Venting

[Someday . . .]

Aaaaaargh!   My dd26 is in the midst of an eating disorder.  I have refrained from any mention of it for the past 3 - 4 mos (as recommended).  The positive thing is that she has taken the initiative to join an eating disorder support group - the first meeting was last week.   I know that she has been using the scales at least once a day and was wondering if I should approach the subject or not.  I called a well known eating disorder clinic and asked for advice.   The conversation then that transpired between my daughter and I went like this (as coached by the clinic):  "I know that you are having trouble/issues around food.   I also know that in that past when you have been having challenges that you have asked for the scales to be put away.  I was wondering if you would feel that it is helpful to put the scales away for a while?"   Wow!  Did that open a huge can of worms!   A lot of dysregulation and then this morning I woke up to her having posted on FB (and to my wall also) a note that said "scr*w you mom" along with a list of do and don't to people who have an eating disorder.   So much for trying to be kind and helpful . .  .sigh . . it gets so tiring to be yelled and screamed at and always the 'bad guy'   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

There is a lot of conflicting advice given to parents of people with eating disorders- keep out of it v take control.

You have tried to be supportive but she has chosen to hear it as criticism-I think she will settle down.

I wonder if the tool about responding with SET would help?

It IS upsetting when we try  our best and get yelled at for our pains, try not to take it personally, its a reflection of her own emotional state  and at least she is beginning  to seek help. 

[Someday . . .]

Lever, I did respond with SET.   I fb'ed her a response that was caring and when she read it this morning we had another conversation (short) and were able to resolve the issue.   The difficult part is, is that I am always playing the part of loving, caring, and understanding mother, while she's gets to play the role of the angry and verbally abusive person.   Somehow it doesn't seem right   

[HealingSpirit]

Dear JKRAJM,

I really feel for you!  This is such a difficult situation!

The difficult part is, is that I am always playing the part of loving, caring, and understanding mother, while she's gets to play the role of the angry and verbally abusive person.   Somehow it doesn't seem right   

I know what you mean!  But, if you didn't always respond as you do, things would surely be much worse. I'm impressed that you didn't feed the fire when your DD blew up.  I think you handled that admirably.  But, it sure isn't fair to be the punching bag.  You didn't deserve that.

Hang in there!  HUGS

[pessim-optimist]

The difficult part is, is that I am always playing the part of loving, caring, and understanding mother, while she's gets to play the role of the angry and verbally abusive person.   Somehow it doesn't seem right   

Your gut is telling you the truth, being the loving, caring parent is natural, but being the punching bag isn't part of your job description as a parent - and it isn't enjoyable in the least.

I think you handled it very well. SET is the first step in keeping the conversations as calm and sensible as possible. The next step is to not let our children abuse us - it IS your right to protect yourself, and not let yourself be abused.

What have you tried before? Has anything worked?

Some of the tools we have here that you might be interested in exploring are in Lesson 3 of the lessons to the right ------>. One of them is "taking a timeout" - this workshop talks about the ins and outs of it: How to take a time out

[Being Mindful]

Lever, I did respond with SET.   I fb'ed her a response that was caring and when she read it this morning we had another conversation (short) and were able to resolve the issue.   The difficult part is, is that I am always playing the part of loving, caring, and understanding mother, while she's gets to play the role of the angry and verbally abusive person.   Somehow it doesn't seem right   

You're right JK that it doesn't seem right or fair. Good for you for using SET. It worked and the issue was resolved. The more you are able to use these skills the more she will lessen her role as the angry, abusive person. Keep it up