Seeking input on setting boundaries

[FreeMeGal]

Hi all,

I am seeking some objective input on setting boundaries with my partner's mom (my MIL).

MIL is extremely negative, selfish, unappreciative, mean, arrogant, condescending, sarcastic, ungracious, and just has an ugly personality. 

She is elderly, moved to our state 2 years ago, and lives near us in a retirement apartment community.

My partner sees her once a week at the minimum, usually taking her out to dinner or a play etc. At first I would go with them, as I wanted her to feel welcome here. In fact, we used to have her over about every weekend, and I cooked dinner for the 3 of us.

But I soon became disgusted with her negative and toxic personality. She leaves me feeling drained every time I'm around her.

I have since started limiting my time around her; usually to about once a month. I really don't have a need to be around her AT ALL, but my partner gets mad at me for "not participating" and "not supporting her." My partner tells me it's much easier on HER if I'm there.

I've explained wanting to set boundaries with MIL, but my partner refuses to accept my point of view, and just whines that I'm "not supportive." My partner and I are having many problems in our relationship (likely due to her being uBPD in my opinion) and I don't need any more blame. Me thinks the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as far as partner and MIL, but that's a whole 'nother story! 

Can you fine, wise folks help me and give me some feedback on this?

I had WAY more than my fill of MIL over the 4th of July, when she was over here 4 days in a row.

Many thanks in advance!

[HappyChappy]

Hi all,

I am seeking some objective input on setting boundaries with my partner's mom (my MIL)... .

... .I've explained wanting to set boundaries with MIL, but my partner refuses to accept my point of view, and just whines that I'm "not supportive." My partner and I are having many problems in our relationship (likely due to her being uBPD in my opinion) and I don't need any more blame. Me thinks the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

So in summary you raise several issues. By posting here you suggest you see your MIL as a uBPD. You also suggest your partner may also be uBPD. And you ask about setting boundaries. Firstly , as all people demonstrate narcisstic behaviour to some degree or other, diagnosing BPD is an in-depth process. By learning as much as you can about BPD, you will answer all of the above questions. No one in fairness can answer such questions without knowing the full picture. But it’s worth noting that children of BPD may have picked up some of their traits, but are not actually BPD themselves.

“An apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is a logical comment. But keep in mind only a very small percentage get BPD and the jean alone is not enough. I’ve never read it is the predominant jean otherwise we would be overrun with BPD.

Diagnosis has got to be the starting point as if someone is BPD, then they are unlikely to change. Also BPD rarely see the need to go to a therapist, they are more likely to suggest you need one. So you may need to diagnose. You deal with a BPD in an entirely different way to a non BPD. This website has articles on setting boundaries and adapting to deal with BPD. This forum will help and support your journey to a solution. Best of luck.