Hurt by his words

[overperceiver]

So I suspect that my father has BPD. He also has terminal cancer and went to rehab for alcohol and drug addiction about 10 years ago. He came to visit me on the other side of the country last week and completely snapped at me for a small comment I made after enduring his relentless emotional put downs. He was drinking moderately all week and when I went to talk to him the next day about his anger, he told me that I was still hurt from when I was a little girl (I'm 21) and that I knew nothing about the world if I thought he had anger issues. I told him that I thought I deserved to be treated a certain way and that if I wasn't being treated that way, I would point it out to people. He accusingly asked me how that was going, which was incredibly insulting and hurtful as I have just recently gotten out of an incredibly abusive relationship.

He apologized the next day, a few hours before I dropped him off at the airport to go back home. However, I am having a really hard time letting his words go. He completely discredited everything I have put so much effort into. It hurts so much to have to repeatedly realize that I will never be able to gain his approval, even if he tells me he is proud of me.

Is there anybody else who has had a BPD father say things such as this to them that they have a hard time letting go of? Any coping suggestions? I don't want to dwell on it, but I'm having a hard time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

dear overperceiver

I am sorry you are struggling with your father right now. Words from your parents can sometimes be very hurtful. I think you should repost this on the healing and coping board which is right above this board. I think they will be able to help you better there. Your father was not validating your feelings and that must hurt to feel you were not heard. Take care and Ihope you can read some article here tohelp deal with the effects your father has had on you.

[lever.]

Here is the link to the board you may find more helpful: [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board

This board is mainly for parents of BPD children, the other for children of BPD parents.

I am sorry that your relationship with your father is so difficult, his words do indeed sound very hurtful. If you follow this link you will find others with similar experiences.

[pessim-optimist]

Welcome to the boards, overperciever!

You are definitely not alone in this.  

Our parents' opinion has more power in our lives than we would like to admit. And that is true even when we are adults. If they aren't healthy, their words can be really painful... .

He apologized the next day, a few hours before I dropped him off at the airport to go back home. However, I am having a really hard time letting his words go.

Is there anybody else who has had a BPD father say things such as this to them that they have a hard time letting go of? Any coping suggestions? I don't want to dwell on it, but I'm having a hard time.

At least your father apologized - that shows that he has good intentions in spite of his illness... .

As far as letting go of his words and them not affecting you in a bad way: what have you tried in the past? Have you tried therapy? Having a hard time is normal - it takes time to work through the issues of our family of origin (FOO)... .