Building your own family and people around you

[funfunctional]

Hi everyone,

I am coming hearing, listening, learning and sharing. It has been extremely helpful hearing all the familiar stories about BPD family members and behavior and I see so many commonalities.

I am dealing with two BPD people in my life.  MIL and sister.   

My approach with the two have been different and I am seeing that now.   I don't have to cut my sister off but just need to draw some boundaries & not RESPOND to her behavior.  Sadly MIL had to be dealt with by total shutdown.  She is much more destructive than my sister and I do worry that as my sister gets older and closer to MIL's age she may get worse too.   My sister I can exercise compassion for & just keep my talk with her simple.   

ONE practice I have had to do:   Build a support system around me that is not family.   This is often difficult.  It takes time.  It can be lonely when you see other people with families around holidays.  This past July 4th I was reminded of all the family that is gone - the old cookouts, etc.   I actually spend a lot of the long weekend alone.    Husband working & kids on vacation with their dad.   So it isn't always easy.   I took a long walk with a neighbor... .it has taken me 4 years since I moved to rebuild people around me.    It is difficult for me when I see Facebook pics of family pic nics and parties and I hear of grandma buying a trip to hawaii for one family and grandparents buying a beach house cause they want the family to enjoy being together.  But this is my road and I need to travel it positivitely and attract more people into my life.    My life and future may just be different than growing up.  New vision created! Things have changed since last December when I decided to change my approach.     I went to an inutitive counselor that encouraged me to cut existing cords and be HAPPY and make a list of things I am passionate about.   It has been a another step in growing and dealing.   Honestly - some days I sit down and simply say "thank you for the nice neighborhood I live in and the beautiful red winged blackbird on my feeder.   Thank you for bringing my husband into my life.

What I have decided:   I want to be happy.  I may not have the big family around me but my friend list is growing and I am meeting more people that don't have fmailies in my area that are looking for people like me to be "family".    My goal is for my UPs to be much more than my DOWNS.   I will continue to have challenges but it is how I respond or don't respond.     Life is not problem free - but I have a life & can just keep doing my best to make it a good one and smile.

[Contradancer]

I love and trust my "created family".  I wish I could remember the modern authoress who wrote, "Home is where they catch you when you fall." Amen.

[SomerledDottir]

Hey, Funfunctional!

Yeah, now you're talkin'!  It's very difficult to come to terms with the fact that our FOOs aren't there for us.  I have a friend at work, a single mom, going through some pretty crappy stuff -- deaths in the family a year or so out, her sons starting to get into trouble.  No real helpful family in sight.  I don't know what is the hardest for her right now, her sons' legal troubles or the fact that the family has, by and large, abandoned her.  I told her about this board and how many of us are basically orphans exiled from our families, and we have to pick folks to be surrogates, if you will.  She is having a hard time wrapping her head around it at this point.  But she will.  Good on you for getting there!

I like the idea of writing the list of things you're passionate about.  Touchstones for hard times, I think.  Funny you mentioned the birdy.  Last night for an hour or so, I listened to the myriad of calls from a mockingbird and I fell asleep to the sound.  I think maybe in looking for fell-swoop blessings, we miss the blessings that are sprinkled like jimmies on a cupcake.

[SomerledDottir]

Contradancer:

Is the author Billie Letts - Home Is Where The Heart Is?

[funfunctional]

Like the "sprinkles on cupcakes"  and the birdy of course. 

I feel for your friend.   She sounds like she is in a tough spot.

I see the difference in raising kids.  I work with some younger ladies with young children and I see the help & support they get.  They have no idea what it is like to deal with a mentally ill mother or sister.  These two woman don't even need to pay for childcare.  They come in - and one in particular goes home to a cooked meal by her mom.   Not saying it is easy for her - everyone has their stuff.  But still - it IS a support system. 

When all you want is someone to just make one hour of your life easier and they just make it more drama & more difficult.  What you learn is "I am better off by myself".   Then once you draw those line you can surround yourself with friends in your life that you can help one another.

I hope your friend gets there soon.

[Contradancer]

SomerledDottir, you are correct that it's Billie Letts from Where the Heart Is.

[PleaseValidate]

"Jimmies"? Someone's accent is showing.   

But honestly,  sometimes I feel like the most alone person in the world. Especially over the last 2 years after "losing" my aunt and the death of my grandmother. A few months ago after reading that essay "Motherless by Choice," this actually hit me hard. Just the perspective that not only have I been child free by choice, but I'm also mother free by choice. Am I really choosing to like this? Do I have a choice?

I used to have a great support network until they all started having kids and then I stopped being invited around as much, if at all. I'm an only child. My Grams I'd dead. My dad is low function schizophrenic. I have an isolating job where I work from home. When i did work outside home,  i was very maternal to those I managed,  no matter what their ages. And to top it all off,  it is very hard for me to meet and keep friends due to my rare sleep disorder.

I used to work every holiday and then I started going to Vegas w a friend. Now I basically sleep through Christmas. The last time I didn't,  I went to another family s gathering and they seemed put off by my presence. I would try to enter their conversations, ask questions, give compliments and show genuine interest but it i was virtually ignored by all but the dog.

*Enter violin sound here*  :'( 

[SomerledDottir]

 , PV!

You're right about the accent -- but somehow, for me, "sprinkled like sprinkles" or "nonpareils" on a cupcake just doesn't roll off the tongue, or have quite the same slightly crunchy chocolatey imagery as "jimmies", ya know? 

Seriously though, I think you and I have alot in common, although I still have my mother.  But she's 75, and starting to show some signs of dementia, so I don't know how long I'll have her, either.  The rest of my family sounds alot your situation, and mothering people at work.  I'm trying to cut back on that because one of the upsides associated with my brief time with uBPDsis is realizing that I'm codependent and sometimes giving for the wrong reasons.  And one of the upsides of middle age is that lower energy and the realization of your own mortality brings a desire to use what energy and time you have to find the things that bring you joy and have/do those things, and let go of the rest.  Time to reinvent!

I've had the same feelings/experience of holidays as you.  Perhaps slightly different for me is that holidays and summers are horribly busy where I work and I HATE them!  I doubt I will celebrate any holidays at all after my mother passes and i hope to start a new line of work soon so maybe that will abate.  Could you do something like that?

I am also childless by choice, and I rarely have second thoughts about it, although the well-meaners in my neck of the woods sure can make you feel like a big, fat nothing if you don't get married and have kids.  Downside to having jimmies, I guess.   

The friend I mentioned in the previous post is having some money problems and another friend and I lent her some money.  The right, good people are still out there, PV, take heart, and you will find them.  And you have us, so hang in there and thanks for the smile you gave me.

[funfunctional]

Hi pv

Sometimes we need a little violin played for our behalf.   Feeling lonely thru holidays is not easy.  So many have no understanding of this and take for granted people in their lives. 

Wondering if there are any soup kitchen or places you can volunteer so u are not sleeping thru holidays?   I worked from home for a while and went bananas.    Your access to outside world sounds limited.  Wondering if you need to get out more?   

Not easy!   Think some change is in your future?   

Take care

[PleaseValidate]

SD- I used to work serving ice cream and i was surprised that some people in our own area don't even know what jimmies are! I think is some sate in the south that calls them shots. Also, a lot of people have so many different ideas about what a frap is.

FF- yes, I absolutely need to get out more!  I've gone out a lot last week but I often cancel on people due to sleep and then feel like a loser. I started tracking my cancelations about 6 months ago and I usually have a 50% rate. Pretty bad but I'm working on it. June was 100% met! 

I WANT to volunteer working w animals but when I've tried in past, my sleep pattern got in the way of my reliability.

It's ironic,  i indirectly worked w homeless for a while and I remember w great sorrow the feelings that came over me knowing that someone literally had no one else in their life for support. I guess I should be grateful I'm not at that point (yet) even if i often feel pretty darn close!

[SomerledDottir]

PV:

Did you ever just take yourself out on a date?  Maybe there's something new you want to see or do, or a new restaurant you'd like to try?  I do that sometimes and it would work better with your sleep disorder.  I mean it, get yourself flowers and everything.  So many more things to do like that with it being summer.  And who better to treat you since you know what you like!

[HappyChappy]

Love the idea of takeing oneself on a date. I'd have breakfast at Tiffanies (with extra chips).  There are loads of intrest groups you can join. That way you have a shared interest with the people in the club and they also tend to have joined in order to find company. Just makes it easier. You just turn up on club nights so doesn't matter if you miss them.

"Jimmies" in this country refures to a Hospital that a child entertainer called Jimmie Savil did charity work for. The irony is Jimmie has just been revealed as our countries most prolific child abuser - a big fat Narcassist. So I guess both meanings involves discontentment. The good news is the Police have gone down his address book and have already incaserated 2 more stars. Yippee !

There are clubs in this country, with no booking requires, and next to no cost. So you've got nothing to lose but the oppertunity.

[Contradancer]

Never hesitate to take yourself out on a date. It's so low-pressure without scheduling, doing what I like, and not worrying about pleasing any one but me... I take myself out for my favorite coffee and a cheap movie about once a month. Love it. Highly recommend it.

[PleaseValidate]

Thanks All!

I used to do this all the time. Even just staying a few nights in a nearby hotel room, getting room service etc just to get away.

The barrier now is that I've promised myself I will NOT do this until I start working again. As to reward myself for working. I probably could benefit from a stay before working if it wasn't for my darn guilt getting in the way of my enjoyment. Seriously,  i went to Vegas over a yr ago and had an awful time feeling undeserving. I know this is bunk, but I am working on it! Guilt guilt guilt. Forget "original sin",  I think us BPD offspring are born w "original guilt!"

But I want to share some good news. I'm very excited that i bought something called "the kitchen safe." It locks items for 1min to 10days. I plan to throw this phone in there, my phablet and all my tv remotes to FORCED myself into working. So I'll either be working all next week,  maybe start 1-2 days at a time,  or I'll be crying in my bed about life. Or maybe some of both.

Please wish me luck! I am sending you all much positive energy for the week ahead! 

[healinghome]

wow, I feel the loneliness you are expressing and can relate.  its really sad.  foo with BPD creates a big hole where support and love in both directions should be.  BPD is so rife in my family that I'm mostly nc with all of them immediate and direct.  I even met a old aunt recently and found her to be showing signs of BPD! 

it took me a heck of a long time to come to the conclusion that losing everyone I cared for caused me to find the one person I hadn't been caring for... .myself!  I found that I lost them and gained me and this place has the ability to feel peace, something I never experienced with BPD's.  which is an experience I can have for the rest of my life that brings me comfort and peace always.  so while I don't wish to disregard your sadness (I know that place well), remember also what you gain also    and do something nice for yourself that wouldn't have been a possibility as a child like watch your favourite movies, cook your favourite food, listen to good music,  etc.