Here i go...

[saitek]

I've decided to end my marriage with my BPDw. We've been married 10 years we have a d8. The majority of the marriage has been rough. We had some good times and amazing moments but I can't keep going like I am.

My BPDw and I had a conversation about love and I finally came clean about my feelings... .about my loss of that "in love with you" feeling. She had noticed it but I had been sweeping it under the rug and keeping up appearances for the emotional and financial sake of our household. I wont go into the details but essentially i've been carrying all of the financial and emotional responsibilities of this RS for a loong time.

I'm tired of putting out fires, I want out, I want to be free and i want to be done pretending everything is ok. When I told her I wasn't in love with her anymore she was livid. Accused me of being a liar and told me she hated me but loved me. Then she would have moments of clarity(her clarity) and proclaim that she needed someone who would love her the way she deserves to be loved. in her mind she deserves unconditional love... .no questions asked... .And I simply do not believe that is how marriage is supposed to work, especially not with a BPD.

I caught her in an emotional affair a few years back and then caught her in several flat out lies she told me to my face. we separated for a few months and she used some masterfully crafted FOG to lure me back into letting her come home. Since then shes been doing a little better now and then about holding up her end of the marriage but i've been unable to give her the "love" she desires. I just can't do it anymore, don't feel it inside me... .all i feel is sadness and pitty mixed with resentment. I want her to be happy but... I don't want to be responsible for her happiness anymore... .it's too big a job.

So when the chips were down and all the cards on the table her emotional roller coaster began roaring through Sadness and depression lane, over Angry as hell mountain, and quickly through clarity falls. Over an Over. I don't want to kick her out in the street... .I want her to first get a job, then find a place to live and move out. She's already appraised her wedding bands and decided to sell them for the money to make a fresh start. She claims she wont fight me on custody of our d and wants what is best for her, as do I. I'm going to push for full custody but i want her to be allowed to see her as much as is reasonable. I want her to have a relationship with our d. She put in an application today for a job that will be opening up in August.

I'm not sure I'm making the right decision by letting her get her feet under her before we divorce. What kind of warning signs do I need to watch for to make sure I'm not gonna get screwed hard here? I don't have the money for a lawyer right now and things are super tight.

[livednlearned]

Hi saitek,

These are tough marriages. How are you holding up? How is your D doing?

If you can't afford an L, there are two things that are really important to do. One is to read Splitting by Bill Eddy, which you can download to your computer. This is a book that comes highly recommended by people here who have been through these kinds of divorces: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

The other is to consult with a lawyer. It usually costs $50-$100 for 30 minutes, at least where I live. The best thing to do is to read how things work where you live, what are the steps involving in getting divorced in your state (assuming you're in the US?) Every state is different, and there can be some variations at the county level. Then have a list of 10-20 questions for your L. In the event your wife flips and decides she wants custody, you need to know how things work. 

I wouldn't talk too much to your wife about divorce and custody until you have a good understanding. If you can get her to sign custody over without a battle, you are one lucky guy. For most of us on this board, though, it doesn't quite work that way. Is your wife more of a BPD waif than the hermit/queen/witch types?

[ForeverDad]

She claims she wont fight me on custody of our d and wants what is best for her, as do I. I'm going to push for full custody but i want her to be allowed to see her as much as is reasonable. I want her to have a relationship with our d.

In cases like ours I'd trust a statement like that, well, about as far as I can throw an anvil.  If she's not a controlling or possessive parent, then maybe she won't fight for custody.  Most BPD parents described here, especially the mothers, fight tooth and nail and even underhanded to come out on top for custody and parenting time.

One thing in your favor is that in the past she left without her child and had to ask to come back.  That is History.  It may not mean much in family court, but it might make her more inclined to follow the same type of actions, leaving alone.

Hope for her to be cooperative during the process, but also plan well in case it turns into a War.

I'm not sure I'm making the right decision by letting her get her feet under her before we divorce.

Yes, it's a fine line we walk, we are not naturally mean people, we're Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  But too often being nice and considerate can be self-sabotaging in high conflict cases.  Can you find a balance here, get the case moving but also treat her somewhat fairly (businesslike) without letting her guilt you or maneuver you into poor decisions?

[Matt]

I would expect her to act passive-aggressively.  For exampe, for your plan to work she needs to be motivated to get a job;  I bet she won't do that.

So you need a plan for how this will work, no matter what she does or doesn't do.  Find out what your options are for getting her out of the home and getting primary custody of your daughter.  It might require help from a lawyer, so see if you can figure out how to do that - if you could get a loan for example.  You don't have to make that your primary plan - you can offer to your wife, "Let's do this the cheap, simple way." - maybe work out a practical plan that involves her getting a job by a certain date, and moving out by another date, and how the money issues will be worked out, and custody.

But in your mind, be prepared for her not to follow through even if she appears to agree to it.  You'll need a solid plan to handle that, and at some point maybe indicate to her, "I understood that you would get a job by Date and move out by Date.  Now it doesn't look like that's happening, so I might have to file a motion to make it happen so I can move on with my life."

In talking with a few attorneys as LnL suggests, try to get an understanding of how the process works where you live - what motions need to be filed, etc. - so you can figure out whether you could do that without an attorney, or maybe with just a little guidance from an attorney but not a big cost.

Where I live, getting a divorce - even a contested one - without an attorney is very possible, but very stressful - lots to learn and lots of hoops to jump through.  So anything you can learn early in the process might give you a better chance to make the right choices and deal with your wife skilfully.

[saitek]

Thanks for all the suggestions and help guys i appreciate it greatly.

Some news, she has apparently been hired on as a sub teacher! so Ya! employment.

However I'm feeling a vibe like she's thinking I'm gonna change my mind and she'll get to stay because "she's doing soo well... ." but if push comes to shove eventually the kettle will boil over if I continue to not feed her affection and unconditional love as she requires.

I don't want to start a fight and I never directly told her my feelings had changed, at one point of weakness I did say that it was possible for my feelings to change but that my concept of "love" in a marriage and the conditions that go along with it would never change.

I'm being nice and civil to her and offered my support and congratulations on her new job. When she was turning in her application she was nervous about it and I reassured her she was over qualified for the position and that she would have no problem getting the job... .but that's just who I am. I just can't be an a$$hole it's not in my basic nature.

Some days I wish it was in my nature... seems all the a$$holes get what they want... .to an extent and sometimes a detriment .

[Matt]

I would suggest staying away from vague topics like feelings.  You can't win.

Minimize communication except about practical things like paying the bills and fixing the garbage disposal.

Focus on how to get her out of the house.

[saitek]

I would suggest staying away from vague topics like feelings.  You can't win.

Minimize communication except about practical things like paying the bills and fixing the garbage disposal.

Focus on how to get her out of the house.

agreed I will stay the course!