The Lonely Marriage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDwife and I have been together for nearly a decade now and married for just over a year. We don't have a great relationship, though it is the probably at the best it has ever been since we first started dating. Oddly enough, these past couple years have been remarkably calm, easy, and with little (though more than average) conflict. She has been a strong dose of anti-anxiety medication for the past few years and went to extensive trauma therapy in addition to both of us attending relationship therapy. I have also been seeing my own therapist for the last 5 years. Its kind of exhausting to read over that and think about just how much therapy we have endured total. But, hey, whatever gets you through the years.

I attempted to end things permanently 4 years ago, asking her to leave the house and I offered to pay her "alimony" during the transition. Consequently she told me she couldn't leave because she needed me the most then because she finally trusted me enough to disclose her father had molested her through her childhood. I was no stranger, nor immune to the tactics of FOG so I stayed. I promised to help her through her childhood trauma as well as promised to attend couples therapy. In my heart of hearts I knew I didn't want to stay in the relationship but the guilt of leaving her in such a desperate time overwhelmed my sensibilities for self-preservation.

So after we finished couples therapy I was in a false sense of hope about our future and really did a great job at convincing myself things were really going to work long-term. Fast forward a month later when my girlfriend, who I refused to propose to (now wife), leaves to visit family for the holidays and I find myself in a drunken stupor the next day with a beautiful young woman in our bed doing things I've never done with my wife. Due to my wife's escalating emotional and physical abuse over the years, our sex life was all but dead at this point and I was desperately lonely. It was my first and only one night stand, as well as the only time I have ever cheated on a woman. Yet, I had never felt so alive or authentic since before I started dating my wife. After sex, I talked with the young woman for hours, just enjoying a non-confrontational or judgemental conversation. The guilt set in and I kicked her out 3 hours before my wife was to arrive home. Having not gotten caught and the overwhelming feelings of guilt from the infidelity further fueled the FOG feelings and so my denial and feelings of love for my wife increased exponentially (or so I thought). Three months later I proposed to my now uBPDwife.

Everything remained great up until I got sober 6 months ago. Then I got angry... .really, really, REALLY angry! Angry at myself for so many things; staying in abusive relationship, changing who I was to make someone else happy, isolating myself from family and friends, and also very angry for the infidelity. I was also extremely resentful and openly angry toward my wife those first couple months. I guess you could say that getting sober has finally allowed me to process and go through some processes of grieving my past. The greatest and most regularly occurring feeling and regret is loneliness.

The loneliness that I feel in regard to having been isolated from my family for years is more than I can put into words. It brings a lot of shame and pain to my heart to think about how badly I treated my family at times in order to make my wife more bearable to deal with. It makes me sad to think how we will never have the same relationship again. There is also a great deal of resentment I feel toward my wife because of her meddling in my personal relationships. I just find myself longing for human contact these days. I daydream alot about what it will be like to finally be free of this relationship and to be able to mend old friendships and cultivate new ones. I wonder what dating and sex will be like eventually with someone new. I also feel deeply saddened and somewhat ashamed at my finally giving up on this relationship, but I also know I have given it everything I could to make it work.

I just hate feeling so incredibly alone with someone I have built my entire adult life around.

[ATLandon]

My uBPDwife and I have been together for nearly a decade now and married for just over a year. We don't have a great relationship, though it is the probably at the best it has ever been since we first started dating. Oddly enough, these past couple years have been remarkably calm, easy, and with little (though more than average) conflict. She has been a strong dose of anti-anxiety medication for the past few years and went to extensive trauma therapy in addition to both of us attending relationship therapy. I have also been seeing my own therapist for the last 5 years. Its kind of exhausting to read over that and think about just how much therapy we have endured total. But, hey, whatever gets you through the years.

I attempted to end things permanently 4 years ago, asking her to leave the house and I offered to pay her "alimony" during the transition. Consequently she told me she couldn't leave because she needed me the most then because she finally trusted me enough to disclose her father had molested her through her childhood. I was no stranger, nor immune to the tactics of FOG so I stayed. I promised to help her through her childhood trauma as well as promised to attend couples therapy. In my heart of hearts I knew I didn't want to stay in the relationship but the guilt of leaving her in such a desperate time overwhelmed my sensibilities for self-preservation.

So after we finished couples therapy I was in a false sense of hope about our future and really did a great job at convincing myself things were really going to work long-term. Fast forward a month later when my girlfriend, who I refused to propose to (now wife), leaves to visit family for the holidays and I find myself in a drunken stupor the next day with a beautiful young woman in our bed doing things I've never done with my wife. Due to my wife's escalating emotional and physical abuse over the years, our sex life was all but dead at this point and I was desperately lonely. It was my first and only one night stand, as well as the only time I have ever cheated on a woman. Yet, I had never felt so alive or authentic since before I started dating my wife. After sex, I talked with the young woman for hours, just enjoying a non-confrontational or judgemental conversation. The guilt set in and I kicked her out 3 hours before my wife was to arrive home. Having not gotten caught and the overwhelming feelings of guilt from the infidelity further fueled the FOG feelings and so my denial and feelings of love for my wife increased exponentially (or so I thought). Three months later I proposed to my now uBPDwife.

Everything remained great up until I got sober 6 months ago. Then I got angry... .really, really, REALLY angry! Angry at myself for so many things; staying in abusive relationship, changing who I was to make someone else happy, isolating myself from family and friends, and also very angry for the infidelity. I was also extremely resentful and openly angry toward my wife those first couple months. I guess you could say that getting sober has finally allowed me to process and go through some processes of grieving my past. The greatest and most regularly occurring feeling and regret is loneliness.

The loneliness that I feel in regard to having been isolated from my family for years is more than I can put into words. It brings a lot of shame and pain to my heart to think about how badly I treated my family at times in order to make my wife more bearable to deal with. It makes me sad to think how we will never have the same relationship again. There is also a great deal of resentment I feel toward my wife because of her meddling in my personal relationships. I just find myself longing for human contact these days. I daydream alot about what it will be like to finally be free of this relationship and to be able to mend old friendships and cultivate new ones. I wonder what dating and sex will be like eventually with someone new. I also feel deeply saddened and somewhat ashamed at my finally giving up on this relationship, but I also know I have given it everything I could to make it work.

I just hate feeling so incredibly alone with someone I have built my entire adult life around.

[enlighten me]

Hi ATLandon

Im sorry to hear your pain. Unfortunately it is very easy for me to understand as I have been through it twice myself.

After splitting from my ex wife I started to mend the relationship with family and friends. Unfortunately I then met my exgf and the same thing happened again. I was slowly isolated.

I lived on my own between these relationships and as the ex wife moved away I hardly saw my sons but I never felt as lonely as I did when I was involved with my exs. I don't know whether it is shame that stops us reaching out to our familys or fear of upsetting the BPD but whatever it is it leaves us more lonely than most people could ever imagine.

At least you have found this site as the hardest part of the isolation was not being able to talk to anyone. Where a normal couple have each other we don't even have that. You cant discuss your problems with your partner as theyre it.

I hope this site brings you some comfort. I know it has for me. Good luck.

[ATLandon]

I don't know whether it is shame that stops us reaching out to our familys or fear of upsetting the BPD but whatever it is it leaves us more lonely than most people could ever imagine.

At least you have found this site as the hardest part of the isolation was not being able to talk to anyone. Where a normal couple have each other we don't even have that. You cant discuss your problems with your partner as theyre it.

You hit the nail on the head. It was a vicious cycle for me when it got to the point where I couldn't reach out to my family because they were so judgmental of my wife (or so I perceived it at the time) and my wife would interrogate me about any conversation I had with them or a close friend. It got to the point where it felt like it wasn't worth having close relationships with others in order to avoid her harassment, persecution, and rages.

I also want to say that I didn't write any of this to look for sympathy or give excuses. I know what I did was wrong. There IS a very black/white issue and I'm in the black for what I did. I simply wanted to provide a narrative that I'm sure someone on here can relate to but it is more than unlikely unwilling to share or read something like this that they can relate to.

[blubee]

I attempted to end things permanently 4 years ago, asking her to leave the house and I offered to pay her "alimony" during the transition. Consequently she told me she couldn't leave because she needed me the most then because she finally trusted me enough to disclose her father had molested her through her childhood. I was no stranger, nor immune to the tactics of FOG so I stayed. I promised to help her through her childhood trauma as well as promised to attend couples therapy. In my heart of hearts I knew I didn't want to stay in the relationship but the guilt of leaving her in such a desperate time overwhelmed my sensibilities for self-preservation.


I just hate feeling so incredibly alone with someone I have built my entire adult life around.

Hi ATLandon,

I have issues mainly with my BPD parents and son, but I want to let you know I relate to your story in your marriage.  The more I read on this site the more I realize that my ex husband has his own BPD traits, but seems to not be full blown.  He is not the only relationship that I felt compelled to stay in even though it was so obviously unhealthy.  When we were younger, after I realized we were not a compatible couple I tried breaking it off and he had a meltdown.  He acted as if I was abandoning him.  And I stayed with him because of that.  I thought I was responsible for his well being.  This began a 20 year relationship that was full of strife and enabling.  I realize now that he was projecting his fear of abandonment onto me, when really it was his childhood he was reacting to.     

I saw the same behavior in my parents... My dad would beg my mom not to leave him.  Tell her he can't live without her.  He couldn't see that he was creating a hostage situation.  And she couldn't see that she had a way out.   My father would frequently turn to me as well to comfort him in his pain.  But now I see that it was not my job to make him feel whole.  He needed professional help.  And learn to validate himself. 

Your anger is understandable.  At least you know now what an unhealthy relationship is.  You say that you feel deeply saddened and somewhat ashamed for giving up on this relationship.  I also feel the same.  I can't believe at times that we kept it up for so many years.  And there are people who go their whole lives in relationships like this.   My ex and I are doing so much better now.  We have learned so much and have three children to think about.  But it seems that even though a relationship ends, it can lead to a lot of healing and growth.  Shame has it's way of stopping the healing to start. 

[empathic]

I don't know whether it is shame that stops us reaching out to our familys or fear of upsetting the BPD but whatever it is it leaves us more lonely than most people could ever imagine.

At least you have found this site as the hardest part of the isolation was not being able to talk to anyone. Where a normal couple have each other we don't even have that. You cant discuss your problems with your partner as theyre it.

You hit the nail on the head. It was a vicious cycle for me when it got to the point where I couldn't reach out to my family because they were so judgmental of my wife (or so I perceived it at the time) and my wife would interrogate me about any conversation I had with them or a close friend. It got to the point where it felt like it wasn't worth having close relationships with others in order to avoid her harassment, persecution, and rages.

... .

This is quite similar to what I am feeling. I'm not very good at social interaction, have very few friends. I've struggled a lot with this. Now with my wife putting extra burden on these interactions it's like the straw on the camel's back, it's way easier for me to avoid it.

I regret telling my parents about my issues with my wife (eventhough at the time I felt I had to) because every time I talk to them now they want to know what the status is. It's well-meant and they care about me, but I don't know how to respond to that. Before I could go there and be free of the problems for a while.

[enlighten me]

I regret telling my parents about my issues with my wife (eventhough at the time I felt I had to) because every time I talk to them now they want to know what the status is. It's well-meant and they care about me, but I don't know how to respond to that. Before I could go there and be free of the problems for a while.

Tell them the truth. My sister is only just starting to talk to me again. I kept everything from the people that loved me most in the world and nearly lost them.

If you are committed to your wife then you still need your family to support you. Tell them that you love your wife and hope that they can understand that you cannot give up on her. Ask that they respect this but that can they be there for you as you need them still.

If you are going to leave your wife you still need them so hide your shame and tell them. Give them a copy of some of the things on here and let them know what you have been going through and why you have put up with it.

They love and only want whats best for you. The reason we cant tell them the truth is that we know we have done things wrong and we are ashamed of it.

[Soccerchic]

Congrats on your recovery!  Are you able to connect with other men at stag meetings?  That would really help as well as being of service to other friends of BW.  I totally get the alone feeling. I am a super social person who never has dinner parties due to my uBPDh unpredictability and drama. I also am embarrassed for my friends to know what's going down because I have been unable to accept my extreme codependency. I can't tell him personal worries due to his inability to cope with his own emotions. He just stresses even more than me so it seems better to keep my own counsel. I also fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone who can communicate on my level so I don't have to make such huge accommodations for. Wow. I would love to experience empathy. Can you imagine a board like this for the BPDs?  It would be an interesting social experiment to see their feedback and compare it to the amazingly empathetic comments of those here.

I do feel that I need to figure out what the heck I'm getting out of this relationship or I would find another what I call fixer upper guys.  :)o you know what it does for you ?  I wonder if I used to need this much control or the fake security to be needed.

[LilHurt420]

I think being completely sober is an eye opening experience.  My uBPDh and I have a story that starts out just like yours.  We've been together 10 years, married a little over a year.  Things were so great in the beginning (college), and I don't think they can ever get back there.

We've been through hell and back through the last 10 years (mostly his doing).  After years of being gas lighted (before I knew what that was) and cheated on I cracked and turned to someone else an ended up cheating.  My DH has not let me live that down (though since that time we've found out he has a 1.5yo child after the girl he was cheating with had a few others tested and it wasn't theirs).  My cheating is the cause of his rage and dysregulation 95% of the time, yet everything he's done is ok to him.

After I cheated and we started to work through our issues (and got married), I thought things were finally changing for the better.  However now I see they are only worse.  I am now pregnant with our second and have to be completely sober 100% of the time because of the pregnancy.  I feel this is an eye opening experience in itself just being sober.  I got used to coming home from work and drinking and smoking all night to numb the pain and bring me & my DH closer.  Now that I'm completely sober and can clearly see everything he is doing... .it disgusts me.  I'm also angry for throwing away the last 10 years of my life, letting myself have 2 children by him, staying through so many of the completely f***ed up things he's done to me over the years.  I don't know how and if we will recover now.

[ATLandon]

Congrats on your recovery!  Are you able to connect with other men at stag meetings?  That would really help as well as being of service to other friends of BW.  I totally get the alone feeling... .


I do feel that I need to figure out what the heck I'm getting out of this relationship or I would find another what I call fixer upper guys.  :)o you know what it does for you? I wonder if I used to need this much control or the fake security to be needed.

Soccerchic, thanks for well wishes on recovery! That has been amazingly easy this go around with sobriety and I actually enjoy being sober now. It gives me a very defined sense of control that I just don't have in other aspects of my life. I haven't been to a meeting in a couple months due to my work/school schedule but I always keep in touch with people from the program and volunteer in any way possible when I do make it to meetings. I can't say I really connect with men in general, much less those at AA meetings but that's an issue unto itself.

I can say I figured out what I need in a long-term relationship and it doesn't include my wife or anyone combative like her. I have learned that I'm attracted to women with "strong personalities" with a penchant for conflict/aggressive behavior. This was likely due to my relationships with my mother and oldest sister (both likely BPD) and have learned to run like the plague when introduced to these personality types.

As far as the actual affair goes, it all boiled down to control. I needed to feel empowered by a decision that was purely my own and something that was solely for me. Also, the woman I slept with was younger than me, in my home, and also a sub (I'm a dom; bdsm culture)... .so I was very aware of my need to control every aspect of what happened that night. I told the young woman what I needed and she happily obliged (I almost didn't know what to do with that) and when it was over I got to tell her to leave. Obviously and shamefully so, it was also an act of defiance toward my uBPDwife. It was almost as though I had to prove to myself that I could do something just as mean-spirited to her as she had to me over the years. Except, I never told her. I proved myself right but I can't say I gained anything of value from it. Another aspect of my new-found sense of needing control is that I have become very interested in BDSM culture. I could go on and on but I'll leave it at that.

[waverider]

  I am now pregnant with our second and have to be completely sober 100% of the time because of the pregnancy.  I feel this is an eye opening experience in itself just being sober.  I got used to coming home from work and drinking and smoking all night to numb the pain and bring me & my DH closer.  Now that I'm completely sober and can clearly see everything he is doing... .it disgusts me. 

This is important, as drinking can add to the dysfunctionality, not only due to the interaction but you also use it as an avoidance tool.

Just recently I stopped drinking. It was no real drama or causing an issue, I just wanted to save some bucks, so thought I would stop for a while. Wow, the difference is amazing as I find it stops fueling "perceptions". I seem to be even more centered about things and far more objective. I think at times I was using it as a "hidy hole"

Luckily we are already over the hump of conflict and destructive behaviors, so it doesn't reveal disgust, but a clearer path out of the mire, with a lot more acceptance.

Sets a good example and saves some $$ in the process