When do you stop thinking about them?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have not posted here much but have read a lot of the site.

It is over a year since my unBPDexbf cut me out of his life and moved in with a women he had been in contact with online from the other side of the world.

We were supposedly just friends at the time after he stopped communicating with me when I went away for a week at Christmas to visit family 6 months before.

We were still very close and he tried to recycle with me several times right up until the replacement arrived in the country.

Any way long story short.  He contacted me 6 months ago and was complaining bitterly about the new women and how he could not talk to her like he could to me blah blah.  He ended up sending her a text meant for me to her and she gave him the ultimatum to stop contacting me or she would  leave.

I would not want him back even if I could have him as we are wrong together 98%, but it is the other 2% that has me hooked in.

How long will I keep thinking about him constantly?  Any suggestions how to stop thinking about him.

I do not want to give him anymore of my life by thinking about him but I think the way he left without a goodbye triggered abandonment issues in me and also grief over losing my mother just before we met.

Hope this jumble makes sense.

[biglearningcurve]

I have not posted here much but have read a lot of the site.

It is over a year since my unBPDexbf cut me out of his life and moved in with a women he had been in contact with online from the other side of the world.

We were supposedly just friends at the time after he stopped communicating with me when I went away for a week at Christmas to visit family 6 months before.

We were still very close and he tried to recycle with me several times right up until the replacement arrived in the country.

Any way long story short.  He contacted me 6 months ago and was complaining bitterly about the new women and how he could not talk to her like he could to me blah blah.  He ended up sending her a text meant for me to her and she gave him the ultimatum to stop contacting me or she would  leave.

I would not want him back even if I could have him as we are wrong together 98%, but it is the other 2% that has me hooked in.

How long will I keep thinking about him constantly?  Any suggestions how to stop thinking about him.

I do not want to give him anymore of my life by thinking about him but I think the way he left without a goodbye triggered abandonment issues in me and also grief over losing my mother just before we met.

Hope this jumble makes sense.

[Hopeless777]

Since I'm recently out of a very long term relationship (28 years) for only six weeks, I think about her a lot. But every day seems to get better if I have no direct contact with her or anybody that I want to talk to about her. Resist the devil and s/he will flee from you. Draw close to Gad and He will draw close to you. Sure I have sleep problems, concentration issues, regrets, uncontrollable weeping, but they're evening out even though she's suing me for everything I have. So I lose it all? I still have me. She will reap what she sows, but that's not up to me. They that plow iniquity and sow wickedness shall reap the same. Job 4:8.

[LettingGo14]

How long will I keep thinking about him constantly?  Any suggestions how to stop thinking about him.

Hello BLC.  I can only offer what I have learned through experience.  The punch line is this:  I don't think we can "stop" our thoughts.   Have you heard the saying, "What we resist, persists?"

The challenge seems to be that our cognitive brains "want" to turn off the thoughts, but -- at the same time -- we want to figure out what happened.  There are cognitive behavior therapy methods for reframing thoughts, and allowing emotions to rise and be held.

Here's a sample discussion of one type of practice, called REBT:  www.threeminutetherapy.com/rebt.html

[bewildered2]

you don't. you just think of them in a different light. and you become very pleased that you don't know them any longer, and you pity the poor person they are "in love" with now... .

b2

[biglearningcurve]

Thanks for the link Letting Go...   I found it useful.

I drank wine last night after being sober for 8 months and before that 7 years.

The constant ruminating about this r/s is wearing me down.  My T is away for 6 weeks and I have been going to AA meetings and have a support network but when I decide to drink I did not contact anyone.

I am not sure if the r/s with udexBPDbf is the reason for my relapse or just a handy excuse.

[BacknthSaddle]

you don't. you just think of them in a different light. and you become very pleased that you don't know them any longer, and you pity the poor person they are "in love" with now... .

b2

I have had days, maybe even weeks, where I have felt exactly this way, only to slip back.  When I feel good, I still fear the backslides. I imagine that one day I will go a very long time without backsliding, only to realize I really don't care anymore.  That day just seems too far away. 

[Trent]

How long will I keep thinking about him constantly?  Any suggestions how to stop thinking about him.

First, I would focus on the 98% bad rather than the 2% good.  Every time you think of something good with him, think of at least two bad things he did to you.

Second, since you've been apart for a while, have you considered getting back into the dating world?  Spending time around normal men might help you realize how you're better off without your ex, and this might help put him behind you and moving forward.

[KeepOnGoing]

Oh no. I am so sorry to hear about your relapse. I am also in the program. Twenty two years, and this recent incident of being cut off by my BPD friend felt like my first day in AA. The feelings are that raw, and it is going on two weeks now. I want to kill the pain. I hope you have a good sponsor you can talk to in the program. Sounds like you're going back to meetings? I feel like doing 90-in-90 myself to get past this. Went to four meetings this week. It does help. And our program also teach us to help another alcoholic. I hope his has helped you. Your sharing certainly helped me. Keep me posted on how you are doing. I really do want to know.

[biglearningcurve]

I have not been to a meeting since I started drinking yet.  to be honest I am enjoying the numbness.  I am wondering if the ruminating about the exudBPDby is just masking some other issues that I have.  I just feel utterly lost right now but this board is a great help.  thank you to those who have posted.

[Artimer]

I have not been to a meeting since I started drinking yet.  to be honest I am enjoying the numbness.  I am wondering if the ruminating about the exudBPDby is just masking some other issues that I have.  I just feel utterly lost right now but this board is a great help.  thank you to those who have posted.

There is nothing wrong with you  . I was like you, questioning if it was me? Analysing every single thing about myself, then with the help of the wonderful people off here, I realised that yes I am not perfect, but those imperfections make me me. As suggested, start dating too. Not to fill a void, but to enjoy the company of others.  I've been on two dates with somebody this past week, and I'm actually back to being happy and enjoying being me.

[Lion Fire]

For me, the thoughts haven't gone away but over time they have become less painful.

I committed to looking at myself, looking after myself, staying away from  her with NC. The withdrawal and grief process was painstaking and brutal. There were times I thought I wasn't going to make it but I kept on. faith, hope and endurance.

What kept me resolute in my healing process was knowing that I would have to do it all again and perhaps again and again if I got sucked back in to her mad world. According to what I've read here, it gets worse and what I was going through was already as bad as I've ever felt. That thought kept me straight 

Time is the greatest healer. Try to make it the last time you have to do this.

Stay strong

Blessings

[Blimblam]

For me, the thoughts haven't gone away but over time they have become less painful.

I committed to looking at myself, looking after myself, staying away from  her with NC. The withdrawal and grief process was painstaking and brutal. There were times I thought I wasn't going to make it but I kept on. faith, hope and endurance.

What kept me resolute in my healing process was knowing that I would have to do it all again and perhaps again and again if I got sucked back in to her mad world. According to what I've read here, it gets worse and what I was going through was already as bad as I've ever felt. That thought kept me straight 

Time is the greatest healer. Try to make it the last time you have to do this.

Stay strong

Blessings

Lionfire,

I am curious as to what you hoped for? Did what you hoped for change several times?  Did hope ever serve to harm you?

blim

[Caredverymuch]

For me, the thoughts haven't gone away but over time they have become less painful.

I committed to looking at myself, looking after myself, staying away from  her with NC. The withdrawal and grief process was painstaking and brutal. There were times I thought I wasn't going to make it but I kept on. faith, hope and endurance.

What kept me resolute in my healing process was knowing that I would have to do it all again and perhaps again and again if I got sucked back in to her mad world. According to what I've read here, it gets worse and what I was going through was already as bad as I've ever felt. That thought kept me straight 

Time is the greatest healer. Try to make it the last time you have to do this.

Stay strong

Blessings

I would agree with all you suggest Lion. This is exactly what has also helped me. And time. Thank you.

[Frankcostello]

You don't forget about them.  It's been two years since my exBPDgf cut me out of her life cold.  You eventually come to a place of peace within yourself and become grateful that you bit the bullet and the person is no longer in your life.  What kind of person would just cut you out of their life and move on with someone else right away?  You don't need that in your life. It takes work on your part but coming from experience I'm grateful that my exBPDgf is long gone from my life.

[Lion Fire]

Hi Blimblam,

At first, due to the insane circumstances all I wanted was to regain my sanity and get out. I did

Then I hoped for healing. This is ongoing and I'm healing

I hoped that the dreadfully painful feelings would subside. They have.

I hoped to regain balance, peace and perspective. This has happened.

Everything I hoped for has happened but it took some heavy work.

I knew the r/s was doomed so I ended it. I never wanted her back.

This has certainly made things simpler in my case.

Look after yourself.

I wish you strength and peace

[Lion Fire]

What I'm really trying to say is don't ever lose hope.

Hoping for healthy and authentic things will pay off.

[Blimblam]

What I'm really trying to say is don't ever lose hope.

Hoping for healthy and authentic things will pay off.

L

I will try and thank you.

I was curious because hope for me has become such a twisted emotion or concept.  I always find her lurking in my notions of hope.  Cultivating the type you speak of seems like seeds in the garden I must tend to that are still under the surface.