Dissociative emails

[Mutt]

I'm curious if other members that communicate by email only with exes get emails that are dissociative?

As an example, my ex sent me an email about changing the times for child exchange by 15 minutes because she's going to be late. I'm fine with that, I'm flexible. I told her a boundary is that I only respond to an email once, that's it. She'll send more emails, a day apart asking the same question when its been acknowledged.  It's as if she forgets or disassociates that she has sent it. What are your boundaries?

Have you had issues with an ex that says "well you didn't respond to my last email" that sort of thing? I personally don't see an issue because it's electronically tracked, but I've noticed this pattern with my ex. Her email bombs have tapered of, they are almost non existent but it's changed to asking the same question several times, it's annoying and I ignore it, I'm concerned of legal implications.

[Nope]

She literally asks a reworded version of the same question?  Are you sure it's exactly the same? Not slightly changed from 15 minutes late to 20 minutes late? I've seen ours do stuff like that.

Either way, be prepared to bring the one you responded to with you to court if necessary. You are right that she may try to say you aren't co-parenting with her based on the other unanswered ones. As long as you have evidence you answered her the first time you should be in good shape.

She may also just be rewriting things to sound better because something about the way she wrote it the first time was triggering later. My fiance's BPD ex wrote him a text that was obviously worded to throw it in his face that she doesn't think he got anywhere in court. She then wrote the request out in an email for documentation but worded it differently so it didn't come across obviously smug and nasty that time.

[Mutt]

That's a good question. It's reworded and the context and tone are the exact same. I think I notice her behaviors patterns now. I haven't been separated for terribly long. I'm not divorced yet but family court is finished and that conflict is settled for now.  Her emails have changed from threats to asking the same things and actually trying to be friendly.

I think she's just doing it to get attention. I quickly glance at the emails and don't give it a second thought.  Having said that it's making sure some detail actually changes and paying attention so it doesn't go against me.  Disassociation is a behavior that I didn't realize that is one of her dominant behaviors.

[razemarie]

My ex does the same thing.  He will send an email which I respond to.  Then he will send another email later on asking the same thing.  Or will simply send an email that says, "hello?"  Like I haven't responded.  He did this throughout our entire relationship if I did not answer a text correctly or within 5-10 minutes of him sending it.  I am sticking to the boundary of only answering once.  I keep all emails for my records in case it ever comes to that.  My thought is that they do it to make contact and get the attention they crave.

[Mutt]

That's the thing. I got triggered memories this last week. I didn't realize that disassociation was a huge trigger for me in the r/s and I didn't know at the time. I would get worked up and get angry at her and tell her why are you asking me this again? It would escalate. Being out of the FOG has opened the curtains to the behaviors I didn't see. It's like she's in her own world and her plot changes but doesn't give anyone the script. Disassociation really confuses me. I don't have to worry about it escalating because I stop. My boundary is say it once, no need to justify, defend or explain. It's there in black and white on a communiqué. She can read it.

I agree, I think she's trying to get attention or validate an attachment. Courts over for the time being and the conflict was a sort of attention.

[razemarie]

I used to get angry about it as well and always thought he was either ignoring me the first time I responded or trying to provoke a fight.  Which it often times did.  I would get angry and respond accordingly.  Now I can see the pattern more clearly.  Stick to your boundaries and only respond once.  If you give an inch, they will run with it.

[Turkish]

That's the thing. I got triggered memories this last week. I didn't realize that disassociation was a huge trigger for me in the r/s and I didn't know at the time. I would get worked up and get angry at her and tell her why are you asking me this again? It would escalate. Being out of the FOG has opened the curtains to the behaviors I didn't see. It's like she's in her own world and her plot changes but doesn't give anyone the script. Disassociation really confuses me. I don't have to worry about it escalating because I stop. My boundary is say it once, no need to justify, defend or explain. It's there in black and white on a communiqué. She can read it.

I agree, I think she's trying to get attention or validate an attachment. Courts over for the time being and the conflict was a sort of attention.

I understand how you feel, Mutt. And I can guess how your soon to be ex-wife does in the context of the disorder traits and your descriptions. The attachment, however, is valid in itself, is it not?

[Mutt]

That's the thing. I got triggered memories this last week. I didn't realize that disassociation was a huge trigger for me in the r/s and I didn't know at the time. I would get worked up and get angry at her and tell her why are you asking me this again? It would escalate. Being out of the FOG has opened the curtains to the behaviors I didn't see. It's like she's in her own world and her plot changes but doesn't give anyone the script. Disassociation really confuses me. I don't have to worry about it escalating because I stop. My boundary is say it once, no need to justify, defend or explain. It's there in black and white on a communiqué. She can read it.

I agree, I think she's trying to get attention or validate an attachment. Courts over for the time being and the conflict was a sort of attention.

I understand how you feel, Mutt. And I can guess how your soon to be ex-wife does in the context of the disorder traits and your descriptions. The attachment, however, is valid in itself, is it not?

Thanks Turk. I had not thought of it in that context and it makes logical sense. It is what it is.

[Turkish]

That's the thing. I got triggered memories this last week. I didn't realize that disassociation was a huge trigger for me in the r/s and I didn't know at the time. I would get worked up and get angry at her and tell her why are you asking me this again? It would escalate. Being out of the FOG has opened the curtains to the behaviors I didn't see. It's like she's in her own world and her plot changes but doesn't give anyone the script. Disassociation really confuses me. I don't have to worry about it escalating because I stop. My boundary is say it once, no need to justify, defend or explain. It's there in black and white on a communiqué. She can read it.

I agree, I think she's trying to get attention or validate an attachment. Courts over for the time being and the conflict was a sort of attention.

I understand how you feel, Mutt. And I can guess how your soon to be ex-wife does in the context of the disorder traits and your descriptions. The attachment, however, is valid in itself, is it not?

Thanks Turk. I had not thought of it in that context and it makes logical sense. It is what it is.

C'est la vie!

I'm sorry you have to keep experiencing her dissociative behaviors, and it must tear the scabs off of those mental wounds which are attempting to heal.

I was kind of griping to my T yesterday about all of the contact recently, even aside from that necessary due to D2's recently broken collarbone (and bumps and bruises on her head about once a week... .that active little girl is going to give us a run for our money!). He basically laid it out that I was me, and uBPDx was her, and that she was always going to look to me for certain things. I think it was a gentle way of beating it yet again into my head: Radical Acceptance of my new reality. If you had anything like a Father-Daughter dynamic like I did with mine (she would deny this, but it was obvious to outsiders), then she may always look to you in that way, Mutt. It isn't fair for us, but with kids involved, there will always be contact.

[enlighten me]

Ive also seen this a lot. The constant asking about the same thing and as has been said I always thought it was an attention thing.

Another version of it was if I asked something I would get no reply so have to ask it again and again. I once asked her why she hadn't answered and I got a feeble excuse of I didn't see it. Even though it said seen on the chat.

[Mutt]

C'est la vie!

You tought me to radically accept that it's a part if the disorder. She's still attached to me and other men that she had a r/s with and doesn't truly detach.

Another version of it was if I asked something I would get no reply so have to ask it again and again. I once asked her why she hadn't answered and I got a feeble excuse of I didn't see it. Even though it said seen on the chat.

My ex also has a habit of saying "you're not being clear Mutt, can you explain to me again?" I'm perfectly clear as I write short and to the point or BIFF if it's something that requires more effort on my part. That was frustrating as I used to re-explain, resend and get told that I'm still not being clear again. I should count my lucky stars that I live in a day and age that I don't require to talk on the phone as an only means.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Repeated emails asking the same question could be a symptom of anxiety, one of teens does it more than the other. It is more like seeking reassurance and coming to me to alleviate their anxiety.  Perhaps it is the same with the BPD sufferer--an anxiety coping mechanism rather than an attention seeking one.

[Turkish]

Repeated emails asking the same question could be a symptom of anxiety, one of teens does it more than the other. It is more like seeking reassurance and coming to me to alleviate their anxiety.  Perhaps it is the same with the BPD sufferer--an anxiety coping mechanism rather than an attention seeking one.

Inability to self soothe... .a BIFF response isn't enough validation of anxious feelings. I got a late night text asking if the kids, with me, were ok. She hadn't done that in months. Triggered by something else? I lean towards dissociation overall in Mutt's case. I think the anxiety is always there, looking to a Parent to soothe.

Mutt, you have good boundaries, and her behaviors may never change. 

[Mutt]

Mutt, you have good boundaries, and her behaviors may never change. 

Thanks pallavirajsinghani. I had not thought of that.

You're right Turk. It's not for me to worry about her insecurities. It's for the replacement to worry about her insecurities.

[bravhart1]

In our house we call this  behavior  "keeping us busy with her".

She may have no other legit issue so she keeps rehashing, even faking a non-response from us.

We just respond to the first one and if she tries to "tweak" it a little bit to make us stay busy with her we ignore it.