Another break up with possible uBPD girlfriend. Looking for answers

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi forum members. I came here after searching through internet and various other resources for possible reasons of problems in my relationship. We were together for nearly 3 years with numerous breakup/makeup episodes including 4-5 long ones (over few months). This is going to be a bit longer post as I will try to provide as much details as possible. I apologise for the length but also hope that people here will find time to provide me answers.

Her: Very attractive, communicative, in mid 30s. Her parents left her when she was 2 with grandparents and visited only few times a month as they worked in another town until she was 7. Comes from conservative family with authoritative father who cheated on mother for years. She has a rich husband who is absent for six and more months every year. Affraid of loneliness and very much control-freak and cautious. Very secretive about her life and can be manipulative, impulsive and childish.

Me: Regular guy few years younger than her, very succesful at work but came from other town to current place of living and not having too much friends here. We work together. I generally do not like arguments and try to find compromise whenever possible, often at my expense. I am/was also married but never looked another woman during years of my marriage. It is this feeling that we are soulmates that attracted me to my BPD.

Our story: She chased me for several months. I finally caved in and first few months were honeymoon. All of sudden we had many common interests, she was mentioning that we are ment to be and that she will one day be my wife. Sex was great, we talked all the time and she got me on hook. Then she flipped the switch. Sudden withdraval, no communication for days. At that time I was in love head over heels and I started chasing her. She returned few months later and things were again progressing. During this time she bounced back and forth between me and her husband but we contemplated divorce and moving in together. 

Same pattern repeated several times over next two years. She would first post some hints online about missing me and then posting statuses on facebook or whatsapp how much she loves me or links to some love songs. Then she would come with tears in her eyes promising that things would be different. Yet, after few days or weeks, usually when she would get a hold of feeling that she regained control she would forget these promises and fights would start. I was always "exaggerating", "pressuring" etc, she would then become distant, stubborn and escalated every fight as if she is pushing me away. In the end I would say that I cannot continue like this and leave or she would leave.

Last episode lasted from this February until 3-4 weeks ago. In January I had enough of her lies and went NC. She was chasing me for a month or so and came with papers filed for D. I took her back. My divorce was underway and I hoped that we are approaching peace. Everything was fine for several weeks but then fights started again, she refused to compromise on anything or even talk about things. I was patient and tried to be as calm as possible although few times I felt pressed by the wall and also exploded.

When her court hearing date came she suddenly backed off again only to come later saying that she made a mistake and wants to spend her life with me. We set the date by which time both of us will finalise everything with our partners and move in together. Yet, as this date approached she became more distant and nervous. She also refused to meet me and fights occurred on daily basis.

Moving on to present: We agreed that she will file for divorce again in the week of my divorce hearing. Two nights before that deadline she texted me around 2am saying that there was big fight with breaking things in her home and that her husband moved out. Next morning I texted "are you ok" and the reply was "do not contact me ever again". I tried to call and she answered in tears saying "I asked you to not contact me and please respect that, I will think with my own head and nobody will tell me what to do". I just said ok and went NC immediately.

Over past weeks it seems as if she is starting new cycle although in some strange way. At first she used to post statuses that suggested she is happy, then there were links to songs about a girl who pretends to be happy but is dying inside. She posted also on facebook picture of herself with t-shirt saying "take me away". There were profile pictures with messages such as "you do not have to control everything, just enjoy life". Also, we had this messaging app which none of our friends uses and it has "last seen" option by default. I did not log into it from my number since the break-up. I do have another number of which she is not aware of. I logged from there few times and noticed that she checks whether I've been online few times a day.

Question: This is very long post but I tried to get as much details as possible. Am I exaggerating to think that this is BPD and that she is starting new cycle by trying to provoke reaction from me? For long I blamed myself for this as I thought her actions were caused with delays in my divorce. I had some financial issues that had to be sorted out first but she was familiar with every step and I tried to reassure her in every possible way that I love her and want to spend my life with her. This entire process took a toll on my health. I am having serious heart problems and several doctors confirmed that it is caused with long term exposure to stress. I do not want to get back with her but part of me wants her to contact just to be able to say no after everything she put me through.

[drmrconfused]

Hi forum members. I came here after searching through internet and various other resources for possible reasons of problems in my relationship. We were together for nearly 3 years with numerous breakup/makeup episodes including 4-5 long ones (over few months). This is going to be a bit longer post as I will try to provide as much details as possible. I apologise for the length but also hope that people here will find time to provide me answers.

Her: Very attractive, communicative, in mid 30s. Her parents left her when she was 2 with grandparents and visited only few times a month as they worked in another town until she was 7. Comes from conservative family with authoritative father who cheated on mother for years. She has a rich husband who is absent for six and more months every year. Affraid of loneliness and very much control-freak and cautious. Very secretive about her life and can be manipulative, impulsive and childish.

Me: Regular guy few years younger than her, very succesful at work but came from other town to current place of living and not having too much friends here. We work together. I generally do not like arguments and try to find compromise whenever possible, often at my expense. I am/was also married but never looked another woman during years of my marriage. It is this feeling that we are soulmates that attracted me to my BPD.

Our story: She chased me for several months. I finally caved in and first few months were honeymoon. All of sudden we had many common interests, she was mentioning that we are ment to be and that she will one day be my wife. Sex was great, we talked all the time and she got me on hook. Then she flipped the switch. Sudden withdraval, no communication for days. At that time I was in love head over heels and I started chasing her. She returned few months later and things were again progressing. During this time she bounced back and forth between me and her husband but we contemplated divorce and moving in together. 

Same pattern repeated several times over next two years. She would first post some hints online about missing me and then posting statuses on facebook or whatsapp how much she loves me or links to some love songs. Then she would come with tears in her eyes promising that things would be different. Yet, after few days or weeks, usually when she would get a hold of feeling that she regained control she would forget these promises and fights would start. I was always "exaggerating", "pressuring" etc, she would then become distant, stubborn and escalated every fight as if she is pushing me away. In the end I would say that I cannot continue like this and leave or she would leave.

Last episode lasted from this February until 3-4 weeks ago. In January I had enough of her lies and went NC. She was chasing me for a month or so and came with papers filed for D. I took her back. My divorce was underway and I hoped that we are approaching peace. Everything was fine for several weeks but then fights started again, she refused to compromise on anything or even talk about things. I was patient and tried to be as calm as possible although few times I felt pressed by the wall and also exploded.

When her court hearing date came she suddenly backed off again only to come later saying that she made a mistake and wants to spend her life with me. We set the date by which time both of us will finalise everything with our partners and move in together. Yet, as this date approached she became more distant and nervous. She also refused to meet me and fights occurred on daily basis.

Moving on to present: We agreed that she will file for divorce again in the week of my divorce hearing. Two nights before that deadline she texted me around 2am saying that there was big fight with breaking things in her home and that her husband moved out. Next morning I texted "are you ok" and the reply was "do not contact me ever again". I tried to call and she answered in tears saying "I asked you to not contact me and please respect that, I will think with my own head and nobody will tell me what to do". I just said ok and went NC immediately.

Over past weeks it seems as if she is starting new cycle although in some strange way. At first she used to post statuses that suggested she is happy, then there were links to songs about a girl who pretends to be happy but is dying inside. She posted also on facebook picture of herself with t-shirt saying "take me away". There were profile pictures with messages such as "you do not have to control everything, just enjoy life". Also, we had this messaging app which none of our friends uses and it has "last seen" option by default. I did not log into it from my number since the break-up. I do have another number of which she is not aware of. I logged from there few times and noticed that she checks whether I've been online few times a day.

Question: This is very long post but I tried to get as much details as possible. Am I exaggerating to think that this is BPD and that she is starting new cycle by trying to provoke reaction from me? For long I blamed myself for this as I thought her actions were caused with delays in my divorce. I had some financial issues that had to be sorted out first but she was familiar with every step and I tried to reassure her in every possible way that I love her and want to spend my life with her. This entire process took a toll on my health. I am having serious heart problems and several doctors confirmed that it is caused with long term exposure to stress. I do not want to get back with her but part of me wants her to contact just to be able to say no after everything she put me through.

[Aussie JJ]

I have to answer in a round about way.  Giving you the straight up 'do XYZ' isn't how this goes.  Do what you feel is best for YOU. 

To explain that and not be a total cop out, mine had the same pattern, finally, she tried to cut me out of our sons life and I was just about dead inside.  I still am recovering and only now starting to understand it all. 

Their is a lot on here about only being able to change yourself.  You cant change others.   

Do you want a partner that throws stuff in the house with her ex husband because she cant control her emotions or that is totally hot and cold and has no respect for your needs?

Ask what your willing to accept, let her continue her pattern and know that their is nothing you can do to change her behaviours.  Its if you are willing to accept them or not. 

[drmrconfused]

I have to answer in a round about way.  Giving you the straight up 'do XYZ' isn't how this goes.  Do what you feel is best for YOU. 

To explain that and not be a total cop out, mine had the same pattern, finally, she tried to cut me out of our sons life and I was just about dead inside.  I still am recovering and only now starting to understand it all. 

Their is a lot on here about only being able to change yourself.  You cant change others.   

Do you want a partner that throws stuff in the house with her ex husband because she cant control her emotions or that is totally hot and cold and has no respect for your needs?

Ask what your willing to accept, let her continue her pattern and know that their is nothing you can do to change her behaviours.  Its if you are willing to accept them or not. 

Actually, I want someone caring who will love me and let me love her. The idea of life with someone who throws stuff around, sits on the fence between me and other guys and does not care for my needs does not amuse me. It is just that for long I asked myself whether her behaviour is my fault. I was patient and caring for long time, for more than nine months of our relationship despite everything that happened during that period. But as time progressed and things did not improve I just could not take it anymore so I stood up for myself more often. That is when troubles started. She wanted it her way or no way. Many people told me that there is something wrong with her and that I should back off long time ago but the idea of BPD never crossed my mind until recently.

[bewildered2]

it sounds like BPD, and it looks like she is trying to provoke a reaction.

i am worried about your health. remember that you only have one heart, and that you need it. is it worth the risk to let her break it?

look at it like a drug addiction. she is your drug of choice. do you know of any addictions, e.g. booze, alcohol, drugs, that are good for a person?

why is this arrangement good enough for you? what percentage of the time are you happy with her, and what percentage of the time are you unhappy?

b2

[drmrconfused]

it sounds like BPD, and it looks like she is trying to provoke a reaction.

i am worried about your health. remember that you only have one heart, and that you need it. is it worth the risk to let her break it?

look at it like a drug addiction. she is your drug of choice. do you know of any addictions, e.g. booze, alcohol, drugs, that are good for a person?

why is this arrangement good enough for you? what percentage of the time are you happy with her, and what percentage of the time are you unhappy?

b2

Actually, the heart thing was first trigger that opened my eyes. All of my friends and colleagues were so scared when this started to happening as I ended up in ER twice with extremely high blood pressure and pulse. Yet, her only reaction was "can't you just calm yourself down?". I do not require anybody to take care of me as I am living alone and taking care of myself since I was 18 but this complete lack of empathy shocked me.

The relationship is not good for me and I am not going back as most of time was really bad for me. I felt as if I am giving and giving but not getting anything in return. It is answers of why did this happen that I am after.

[BacknthSaddle]

Question: This is very long post but I tried to get as much details as possible. Am I exaggerating to think that this is BPD and that she is starting new cycle by trying to provoke reaction from me? For long I blamed myself for this as I thought her actions were caused with delays in my divorce. I had some financial issues that had to be sorted out first but she was familiar with every step and I tried to reassure her in every possible way that I love her and want to spend my life with her. This entire process took a toll on my health. I am having serious heart problems and several doctors confirmed that it is caused with long term exposure to stress. I do not want to get back with her but part of me wants her to contact just to be able to say no after everything she put me thrdsafasough.

My friend, your story is so much like mine it's terrifying.  Take a look at the 10 things that can get you stuck (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality).  The "circumstances" item really opened my eyes. No set of circumstances, including if you both met when single, were going to make this work.  None. 

The bigger point is though: it doesn't matter if this woman is BPD or not.  You went to the ER for god's sake!  Do you think that people who spend their lives with people they love frequently go to the ER because of them? No. 

This woman made you feel something very intense.  I know that feeling.  But she's not healthy for you, and anyway that intensity wasn't really about her.  Move on from her.  You will survive.

[drmrconfused]

Question: This is very long post but I tried to get as much details as possible. Am I exaggerating to think that this is BPD and that she is starting new cycle by trying to provoke reaction from me? For long I blamed myself for this as I thought her actions were caused with delays in my divorce. I had some financial issues that had to be sorted out first but she was familiar with every step and I tried to reassure her in every possible way that I love her and want to spend my life with her. This entire process took a toll on my health. I am having serious heart problems and several doctors confirmed that it is caused with long term exposure to stress. I do not want to get back with her but part of me wants her to contact just to be able to say no after everything she put me thrdsafasough.

My friend, your story is so much like mine it's terrifying.  Take a look at the 10 things that can get you stuck (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality).  The "circumstances" item really opened my eyes. No set of circumstances, including if you both met when single, were going to make this work.  None. 

The bigger point is though: it doesn't matter if this woman is BPD or not.  You went to the ER for god's sake!  Do you think that people who spend their lives with people they love frequently go to the ER because of them? No. 

This woman made you feel something very intense.  I know that feeling.  But she's not healthy for you, and anyway that intensity wasn't really about her.  Move on from her.  You will survive.

Thanks for this link. I found many similarities with my story not only in circumstances section but also with respect to words that were said and belief that they have seen the light. I am not perfect, far from that, but at least I always wanted to work on our issues and begged her many times to talk to me and to reach some kind of compromise even if it would mean that I have to back down heavily. It was as if I am talking to the wall. In the meantime her games continue. She checks whether I am online few times per day and also tries to provoke my reaction through various pics and statuses that are supposed (I guess) to suggest she is leaving and to make me jealous.

[drmrconfused]

She definitely is starting new cycle. Last night I couldnot sleep so I talked with friend of mine on whatsapp. Being curious I opened her profile few times. She was online and typing. For those unfamiliar you can only see whwn someone is typing if they are typing to you. Yet, she did not dare to hit send button. This morning, a new link to song about a city where we were happy last time. Guess she realised jealousy games do not work and now changes approach. I want her to contact me so much not to get back together but only to rejecther once like she did to me many times. Childish I know but what can you do.

[bewildered2]

she is still your drug... .time to take care of yourself... .be careful.

b2

[drmrconfused]

she is still your drug... .time to take care of yourself... .be careful.

b2

I know and I completely agree with you. Its just, many times before I thought I am fine and then caved in. This time I am taking things step by step.

[drmrconfused]

I slipped. Two nights ago I sent her text saying everything I felt about her recent behaviour and that this time I am leaving for good. It did not take long for her to reply. Same old story. That day when she left she was out of herself, she constantly thinks of me etc etc. Yet, this time I was able to confront her with her lies. After some time of talking she asked that we should meet each other. I rejected saying that I dont think anything good can come out of it. Then she started game playing saying that she is thinking of leaving her job as I am supposed to be her boss from October, then she would throw some signals as if she wants me to chase her. I rejected it all. Finally, after few hours of talking I said that conversation is leading nowhere and that I have to go. She was furious, saying that she could kill me with her hands, that this is not supposed to happen. Then she said that I have her number and can contact her anytime. I just thanked and said that I wont be needing her number as I needed from her more than just number. There was no reply. It is fascinating that she sees almost nothing as her fault and tries to blame it all on me. Through conversation she tried to leave impression as if she is moving on but she was also furious over hearing from my friends that I am living life as well. Is this common for BPDs?

[bewildered2]

if you want to understand BPD then read "i hate you, don't leave me" by dr.j kreisman.

after reading it you will understand what you are dealing with, and you will run.

b2

[BacknthSaddle]

Do you want a partner that throws stuff in the house with her ex husband because she cant control her emotions or that is totally hot and cold and has no respect for your needs?

This comment by Aussie JJ is a LITERAL reflection of my situation, and it's something I now remind myself of every time I get urges to contact here or I experience longing.  PLEASE think long and hard about this.  "Soulmates" that descend on you from the heavens are fairy-tale fantasies.  These actions are reality. 

[drmrconfused]

Do you want a partner that throws stuff in the house with her ex husband because she cant control her emotions or that is totally hot and cold and has no respect for your needs?

This comment by Aussie JJ is a LITERAL reflection of my situation, and it's something I now remind myself of every time I get urges to contact here or I experience longing.  PLEASE think long and hard about this.  "Soulmates" that descend on you from the heavens are fairy-tale fantasies.  These actions are reality. 

Sadly I know you are right. Since my last entry here she posted picture of herself and close friend in place where we were supposed to go this summer. On the top of that, she does not use facebook but I noticed that this friend of hers is now posting things almost daily that involve my exBPD. This person knows about our situation. I may be exaggerating but it is as if my ex wants to brush into my face how happy she is and one of ways to do this is through this girl who is my friend on facebook. Would it be too mean to delete this other girl from facebook?

[BacknthSaddle]

No. It would not. Protect yourself.

[drmrconfused]

No. It would not. Protect yourself.

I have to do it and will as it is too hurtful to see pictures knowing that this was the place where we dreamed of going together for so long. But why do they want to do these things? She left, I did not beg or tried in any way to bring her back. Why this desire to hurt me even more?

[drmrconfused]

I am proud of myself. This morning a group message came from her inviting me and two other friends for a coffee tomorrow. The tone of message was seemingly innocent suggesting that she is writing due to "previous agreement between all of us". I was like "wait a minute there was no agreement that I am aware of". I politely said that I am busy tomorrow and wished them all fun. Hour later text message comes to me. I did not open it yet. Am I exaggerating or is this some twisted attempt to open up communication with me? Either way I am proud for being able to say no even for such small thing as coffee invitation. 

[drmrconfused]

Second text was directed only to me. In her words 'just to make things clear, group message was sent due to request of our mutual friend who is out of town and has 10% of battery. Therefore she asked me to send this message'. Am I crazy or is this too obvious attempt of fishing for communication?

[Artisan]

Isn't all the second guessing and trying to figure out what she is communicating exhausting ?

Facebook statuses, videos and songs with some possible meaning, and so much relationship drama ... .in my opinion, none of it has anything to do with a healthy and balanced dynamic.