Miscarriage # 7 :( and BPD...

[joshbjoshb]

Hello!

Wasn't here for a while. Things were okay, ups and downs, but I was very busy and couldn't find the time to write, share and try to help others.

I hope you are all well

Today, I read in a post the most interesting study that claims that sharing your feelings via writing has a much better positive impact on your life, vs. sharing through talking. It is verified? I don't know, but the study claims that writing forces you to clarify your thoughts which makes you feel better.

I was very busy in the past few weeks. When you are busy, you just don't take to heart every BPD episode so they seems to calm down, while in fact they constantly occur.

Anyways... .last night my wife miscarried. It's her 7th time miscarrying. We do have healthy children TG and I am thankful for them every day, but we'd like to have more.

This one, is the 3rd after my youngest child, which is almost 2 years old.

It's really sad, it's heart breaking, and for me it's also "run to the nearest shelter" alert.

Because my UBPD wife doesn't know how to be sad. Every sadness has to be translated into anger and blame (are you familiar with that?). So after the miscarriage started, at the end of the night she blamed me for - read this -  being genetically flawed which causes her pregnancy to be chemical pregnancies.

I am sharing it with you because of few reasons.

First, I am sad and can't share my sadness with anyone else - my wife, of course, is busy being angry; and because she trusts no one she is not going to share with anyone what happened (including her mother), so I feel I can't breech her privacy.

Second, I read plenty about validating. All I can say to whoever mastered this - kudos to you. You are one of the best people around. I still can't. I am not invalidating as I used to, but I can't take $hit said about me and how bad of a person I am and to validate it.

Third, as she is a stay at home mom, she was looking to be pregnant to "justify" her staying at home. Now, it will take at least few months before she might get pregnant again, so that excuse is gone. But she doesn't know how to look for a job, and the jobs that are available are not great. And of course, nothing is good, no job is good enough for her, and really I should be the one finding her a job.

Every time she comes up with this long list of complains and blames, I ask her to go talk to someone else. I say how outside people might have better advice, and I can't solve your problem. It's not even about professional help - just share with someone, ask, think, plan, strategize... .yesterday she told me "why won't you go talk to someone. You know my complains and they will tell you what I should do." Yeah.

So that's my story for today. Thank you for listening

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[empath]

I know that you were just wanting to vent a bit. I wanted to say that I'm very sorry for your loss; I've had 5 miscarriages myself. It can be especially difficult when your spouse cannot grieve along with you -- and blames you. I want to encourage you to find someone in real life to share your story of your children with, someone who will be helpful to you.

Hospice organizations usually have bereavement counselors who might be able to at least point you to someone who could actually listen to your pain without the anger and blame. One other thing that I found really helpful was to write my feelings out -- so that they didn't stay bottled up and risk a nuclear explosion.

[coasterhusband]

Truly sorry for your loss, and for the situation you find yourself in.

My wife is in the process of her 2nd miscarriage of the year, so I understand the swirl of emotion happening around you right now. We weren't trying, and dBPDw is having several other health issues that make this even more complicated. She's lashing out, sad, scared, and confused... .and none of that is formed in any sort of reasonable, adult sharing of emotion or request for support. It's just blame and anger directed straight at me.

Hang in there, hopefully things will get better soon.

[LilHurt420]

I'm sorry for your losses.  I went through 2 chemical pregnancies in the last year also.  It was very saddening especially not have any support from my uBPDh because everything has to be about him.

[Giggler82]

Hi all, here's my story for today. I am currently having miscarriage number 3. I'm devastated. I was 4 weeks gone but still hurts as much as the first one. My BPD ex partner was the father and he is dealing with this as he always does... .with another woman. So I'm left to try and deal with it on my own again. He just doesn't understand that he isn't there for me. I find it hard to see how he's feeling as he won't talk to me. He can't. He says he needs to be strong for me and then goes and talks about something we should be sharing with her. I feel very alone and betrayed. This should be our time to grieve together. He keeps telling me I'm BPD. Which makes me feel like I'm dealing with this all wrong. Tbh I have no idea how to deal with this heartbreak. I need his support but it's my "neediness that he can't stand" would really appreciate some advise here please. For all of your that have suffered this loss I'm so sorry you know how this feels. I'm sorry you have to take the blame too.

[formflier]

Joshbjoshb, 

 


Sorry for your loss.  We suffered a one during the height of BPD drama... .man... .I wish I had the tools then.  It was bad for me... .but I think double bad for my wife because I am sure I invalidated her bigtime.


Had no idea bout SET.

 

FF

[Wrongturn1]

Joshb: sorry to hear about the miscarriage - that sucks.   :'(

I've been through that with my uBPDw; she only had one though between our first and second child.  It was rough, and uBPDw still hurts over it 9 years later - I'm surprised that your w could handle that 7 times and still continue to function.

That's a great observation you made about BPDs not knowing how to be sad because it gets translated to anger.  Spot on, although it had not occurred to me before.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm sorry for your loss  My S10 was a threatened miscarriage, and I was fortunate to have kept him. My first child was stillborn. Her birthday would have been on the 21st this month, she would have been 17 this year.

I didn't have a lot of resources when my daughter died. It was unexpected. My H at the time didn't know what to do, he and family kept saying things like "we can have more" as if one child replaces another. I got some counseling through the grief center at the hospital.

Adding BPD to this is very very trying for you... .and I'm so sorry.   

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages myself. It was hard. My H seemed disconnected from the whole thing. For one, the pregnancy was hard- I was nauseated and losing weight.  He was angry at me for not paying as much attention to him. I has to have surgery for one of them. He went out to dinner with a friend after work the night before and I was home alone. When he came home late, I was upset and he argued that "he had to eat. In retrospect, it was one of those impossible BPD arguments where blaming him for anything turned out badly, but I didn't know about BPD at the time.

I am thankful constantly that I now have children. I think that was the most healing. However, I don't think I ever really coped with it. Nobody in my family knows about them. I knew better than to tell my parents (BPD mom). I haven't even told my children now that they are old enough to understand it. I know that the issue was not infertility or a family genetic problem, just one of those unfortunate things that can happen, so there really was no need to mention it to other family.

I think the reason I don't mention it is that, not having felt supported by my H, I don't have a desire to share it. I don't think it is the kids place to be burdened with this kind of information, especially since it not of importance to them. I also mark this time as the beginning of my own emotional disconnection with my H. He had painted me black at the time. Although we have a functional marriage that works in many ways- he is high functioning- I don't wish to confide that kind of emotions with him.

This loss is hard, and I wish you all healing.