"I Fu&ed With Your Heart"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been lurking around here for a bit now, reading others tales every day.  I've posted a few times in the past.

It's been nearly 4 months since I've seen her (exgf), and nearly 2 months of NC.  That is strict NC:  I've made it very difficult for her to get in touch with me, and I have not sneaked a peak at any social media outlets.

At the end, I contacted another of her victims.  They were engaged in a FWB relationship, and I felt he deserved to know whats going on.  He did not respond to my text, but she did almost immediately.  Her text went something like this "Please quit contacting people and telling them of my mistakes.  I would apologize, but I know it would mean nothing to you.  I Fu*&ed with your heart.  If you contact anymore of my friends or family, I will press charges with the police"

When she left me, via e-mail, I confirmed one of my suspicions very quickly.  She was engaging in a completely separate romantic relationship with another male, the entire time she was dating me.  This was in addition to the FWB scenario.  Who knows how many other men were caught up in her manipulative ways.

That lat text continues to resonate with me.  It's got several examples of habits that I saw over the year+ we dated, but chose to ignore, or hope would improve.

"I would apologize, but I know it would mean nothing to you"-  It was always very hard for her to except responsibility for her actions.  Her apologies always lacked sincerity.  At times, it felt the apologies were only said, in an effort to drop the subject.  Other times, she would apologize, but also try to get me to take partial responsibility for the situation.

"I Fu&*ed with your heart"- What does that even mean?  It sounds like she was aware of what she was doing the entire time, that it was almost a game for her.  I saw several times her lack of empathy.  She would say things like "I can take advantage of him (an exBF), because he took advantage of me", "Sometimes you just have to say something so shocking, to get him to listen" (this was in reference to when she threatened to steal a car from another victim".  There were several other times that I questioned her empathy in relation to other people in her life, but I guess I never believed I would be part of it.

"I will press charges with the police"- An empty threat from a very scared individual.  I don't think she even really understands how harassment charges work.  Initially, I wanted to expose her lying, manipulation, and cheating to everybody.  Her parents, her siblings, her friends, anyone.  I felt that she should not be able to get off so easily.  Then I realized, she would not be getting off that easily.  She is constantly experiencing a torrent of internal emotions.  The smiles and happiness everyone sees, is only a mask to hide her pain.  She barely had any friends, besides the guys she was sleeping with.  Her closest social outlet was Facebook.  Friends over the years had distanced themselves.  I always suspected that her parents and siblings knew something was up with her mental health, but didn't know what to do about it.  Exposing her for what she is, would have been akin to kicking a dog when it's down.  Now, I just hope she decides to get help on her own someday.

Thanks for taking the time to read.  These last 8 weeks I've been doing a lot of personal journaling, and reading these forums.  I think it is time for me to start sharing my thoughts and feelings with the great people of these boards.

[Confused76]

I've been lurking around here for a bit now, reading others tales every day.  I've posted a few times in the past.

It's been nearly 4 months since I've seen her (exgf), and nearly 2 months of NC.  That is strict NC:  I've made it very difficult for her to get in touch with me, and I have not sneaked a peak at any social media outlets.

At the end, I contacted another of her victims.  They were engaged in a FWB relationship, and I felt he deserved to know whats going on.  He did not respond to my text, but she did almost immediately.  Her text went something like this "Please quit contacting people and telling them of my mistakes.  I would apologize, but I know it would mean nothing to you.  I Fu*&ed with your heart.  If you contact anymore of my friends or family, I will press charges with the police"

When she left me, via e-mail, I confirmed one of my suspicions very quickly.  She was engaging in a completely separate romantic relationship with another male, the entire time she was dating me.  This was in addition to the FWB scenario.  Who knows how many other men were caught up in her manipulative ways.

That lat text continues to resonate with me.  It's got several examples of habits that I saw over the year+ we dated, but chose to ignore, or hope would improve.

"I would apologize, but I know it would mean nothing to you"-  It was always very hard for her to except responsibility for her actions.  Her apologies always lacked sincerity.  At times, it felt the apologies were only said, in an effort to drop the subject.  Other times, she would apologize, but also try to get me to take partial responsibility for the situation.

"I Fu&*ed with your heart"- What does that even mean?  It sounds like she was aware of what she was doing the entire time, that it was almost a game for her.  I saw several times her lack of empathy.  She would say things like "I can take advantage of him (an exBF), because he took advantage of me", "Sometimes you just have to say something so shocking, to get him to listen" (this was in reference to when she threatened to steal a car from another victim".  There were several other times that I questioned her empathy in relation to other people in her life, but I guess I never believed I would be part of it.

"I will press charges with the police"- An empty threat from a very scared individual.  I don't think she even really understands how harassment charges work.  Initially, I wanted to expose her lying, manipulation, and cheating to everybody.  Her parents, her siblings, her friends, anyone.  I felt that she should not be able to get off so easily.  Then I realized, she would not be getting off that easily.  She is constantly experiencing a torrent of internal emotions.  The smiles and happiness everyone sees, is only a mask to hide her pain.  She barely had any friends, besides the guys she was sleeping with.  Her closest social outlet was Facebook.  Friends over the years had distanced themselves.  I always suspected that her parents and siblings knew something was up with her mental health, but didn't know what to do about it.  Exposing her for what she is, would have been akin to kicking a dog when it's down.  Now, I just hope she decides to get help on her own someday.

Thanks for taking the time to read.  These last 8 weeks I've been doing a lot of personal journaling, and reading these forums.  I think it is time for me to start sharing my thoughts and feelings with the great people of these boards.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Confused - I'm glad you are sharing here.  It helps all of us.  I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through.  Good job with NC.  I was never very good at that but I've made it 18 whole days now.  Longest ever.  Your two months is inspiring.  Hang in there.

[gtrhr]

I've just started posting to the board too and it's been a help already.  It sounds like you're doing really well with the no contact.  It sounds like she's caused lots of torment and anguish to people too.

Regarding the threats of legal action I've had this happen before.  I actually got a call at work one time from the local police investigating a claim she had made against me.  Some employers offer a free legal consultation as part of an employee assistance program, or it's worth it to do a 30 minute consultation with a lawyer even just to find out your legal rights.  Just something to consider.  It certainly assuaged my fears.

And actually some advice I got from my lawyer was that she really could not go around bad mouthing me to my employer or potential employers and that would open her up to a lawsuit. So I worry like in your case you need to be clear on what you're doing if you're attempting to warn people about her.  You definitely don't want to open yourself up to a lawsuit from Crazy.

[.cup.car]

The legal action threats I find interesting.

I did a lot of reading up on this; my ex's dad confronted me and threatened "legal action" after I'd leaked a lot of private conversations between her & I online, and made sure they spread quickly and were linked to her real name. This sounds like a low blow, but ended up saving me in the long run.

People with BPD will most certainly attempt to skew everything as their one and only defense mechanism, and they're going to do everything in their power to make sure it works. They'll call you a creepy stalker, say you were "just friends" or my personal favorite: "only talked on Facebook a few times." They'll go full throttle to make you look like the bad guy so they don't have to face the truth.

At the end of the day, I still had everything archived. My ex's story of "we only talked on Facebook a few times and he's a crazy crackhead who was making up stories about us to make himself feel better" didn't hold up when I was able to produce phone records of us exchanging addresses, arranging to meet up late at night, or discussing personal issues that demonstrated the exact opposite of what my ex was trying to claim.

Her dad ran away with his tail between his legs upon seeing all of this. I never received a call from the police and nothing ever came of his "serious" threats.

Moral of the story: save everything so you can bail yourself out when it gets ugly.

[Blimblam]

ugh trying to decipher their messages when you are painted black, has been described by another member on here before, like trying to decipher the message in the tea leaves. I have been their as well.

I think she came about as close to an apology as you will get.  She admitted wrong doing.  She can't apologize because she is not truly sorry.  She feels shame. Really with the smear campaign you may not realize it but you are being dragged down to her level and she will beat you with experience.  Or if you "win" you will have gone through so much pain and suffering to get their it will not have been worth it.

[Ventus2ct]

ugh trying to decipher their messages when you are painted black, has been described by another member on here before, like trying to decipher the message in the tea leaves. I have been their as well.

I think she came about as close to an apology as you will get.  She admitted wrong doing.  She can't apologize because she is not truly sorry.  She feels shame. Really with the smear campaign you may not realize it but you are being dragged down to her level and she will beat you with experience.  Or if you "win" you will have gone through so much pain and suffering to get their it will not have been worth it.

Yes, I think you just have to endure it, hold your head high and get on with life. I was ever so tempted to stoop down to her level as was aware she was bad mouthing me to all and sundry but she is a "professional" in this aspect and I was not, she'd run rings around me and I'd have ended up simply verifying her accusations/labels to all her friends and family.

She made out her pervious ex was this and that while we were together and now they're best buddies!

[peiper]

Mine admited that she had thousands of dollars in counciling bills she owed for her last marriage, I wonder now if it was really for her. The last time she moved back I mentioned that I thought she was BPD, it was like Id never said it, she complety ignored it.