what would a healthy person do

[gtrhr]

I'm at a place right now where I would like to be in no-contact with my ex uBPD girlfriend.

I have found myself at this point of what is a very unhealthy anger, frustration and not being able to let go of past incidents and arguments.  Well today I'm going through some of the lessons on the blog that talk about the accountability for the non-BPDs like me.  How we aren't healthy and healthy people don't allow other folks to walk all over them in a relationship.  This is something my individual counselor frequently tried to drive home to me.

After talking to my ex-uBPD, a session of me venting via text messages ensued yesterday. I felt racked with frustration and anger.  I had to get it all out because I've been sitting on these unresolvable feelings for 4 months now without any contact with her.  She got back to me recently to let me know she misses me and wants me intimately but is unavailable.  It's the ultimate mindf--- and one I am completely regretful I subjected myself to go through.

I don't "hurt" like a sad person. I feel rage like acid is racing through my veins.  It's like a neural network forms between all of the times of being mistreated, and yelled at out of nowhere, or being denied friendship and kindness.  I feel the need to argue down every justification for all those things being "done to me."

I've tried everything:

Talk. Reason. Counseling.

Being the strong silent type.  One of the main times I did this I found her screaming "f--k f--k f--k" at the top of her lungs to provoke a response. 

From then on I talked about issues.  Of course she hates a man who talks a lot about issues or feelings.  That isn't sexy to a woman.

I've left the situation to give her time.  I left numerous times when I said "this isn't right." 

I've read the 10 things keeping you from healing.

I've read how patience is not a virtue in these situations because it just gives her more time to stall, not give you the treatment you deserve, and it leaves you frustrated.  Yet she is always saying, you're in too much of a hurry for this relationship to work.  No I'm in too much of a hurry to even get to the "starting line" where I considered it a real relationship and not a dysfunctional mess that it is.

So now I find myself attempting to fully and completely disengage, give up the hope, and cut all ties, verbal and emotional.

It's been really helpful to have this site as a resource.  Therapy sessions are too short and too many days apart.

[enlighten me]

Hi gtrhr

Your in a good place now. You've lifted the veil about your ex and have got into anger. Im no expert but I have been through this twice now.

Anger was my biggest therapy in getting over my exs.

The first time I was delusional. I didn't think she had lied, stolen, cheated on me because she was so lovely. Every time I started healing something would come out and knock me back. This time though I decided to imagine the worse and the healing process has been so much quicker. While imagining the worse I got angry and I used that anger to turn her from a lovely person to a sad spiteful hollw person in my mind. I know she isn't as bad as I have made out but demonising them help you to remain NC.

NC is the is the main key to getting over them. It removes the temptation. It stops you talking yourself back into the relationship. It stops you doubting how bad it was.

Use the anger you now have and direct it somewhere creative. Whether its exercise, work whatever. Use it to make you a better person and then you will feel better. After a while the anger will subside and you will have got through the worst of it.

Good luck.

[myself]

Damned if you do, half dozen of another.

What helped me, from the beginning of walking away, was to see it as whichever move was better for me to make, I made. Not for her. Not for us. For me. I kept trying those first two, in the r/s, but the third, myself, was lost in the shuffle. I kept coming up last, in a race I didn't even want to run. So I flipped it, put the focus on me, and thought, "If there even is an us, she'll be there, doing her part." She hasn't been here since. There are times I'm not sure she ever really was, but it's not so cut and dried.

I'm also working on letting go of remaining bitterness, and it's hard. There are a lot of legitimate reasons to be upset! I see why I stayed, who I was before her, and who I am after. She jumped through some of my hoops, too, so I'm well aware we both played the game. It was over for me when I knew for sure her dishonest patterns weren't going to change and that my own were becoming worse while interacting with her. I still feel betrayed, wounded, rejected. Honestly, she does, too. Facing what I'm going through, I also already see positive progress. Running from what she's going through, the results are mostly temporary. It's our own mirror that counts, not theirs.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have found myself at this point of what is a very unhealthy anger, frustration and not being able to let go of past incidents and arguments.  Well today I'm going through some of the lessons on the blog that talk about the accountability for the non-BPDs like me.  How we aren't healthy and healthy people don't allow other folks to walk all over them in a relationship.  This is something my individual counselor frequently tried to drive home to me.

I don't "hurt" like a sad person. I feel rage like acid is racing through my veins.  It's like a neural network forms between all of the times of being mistreated, and yelled at out of nowhere, or being denied friendship and kindness.  I feel the need to argue down every justification for all those things being "done to me."

No, the anger is healthy, it's a natural response to someone stepping all over your boundaries and possibly abusing you.  I Don't know how long your relationship lasted, but for the most part we didn't know our partner has a personality disorder going in, and didn't know the idealization at the beginning was part of it, we just go for the ride.  And when the ride gets ugly, getting pissed off is natural and normal; tolerating it for years without fighting back is a disorder of its own.  The key now is to use that anger and let it burn up in healthy ways, like work out a lot and take care of your body; the anger is a necessary stage of healing and it will pass.

From then on I talked about issues.  Of course she hates a man who talks a lot about issues or feelings.  That isn't sexy to a woman.

I've left the situation to give her time.  I left numerous times when I said "this isn't right."  

Men and women both have masculine and feminine sides.  In the beginning when the man favors his masculine side and the woman favors her feminine side it's arousing for both because there's polarity there, required for passion.  But an all-masculine man isn't as healthy as one who has a balance between the masculine and feminine sides; a man who appreciates a sunset, is sensitive and empathetic when appropriate, cries at sad movies, whatever, is more balanced and has more to offer a woman in a relationship.  And she will appreciate it when he's pure masculine in the bedroom.

But in the case of a borderline, she may or may not believe that, but it does serve to deflect calm introspection, something a borderline won't do, too much openness and honesty screws up the game.

So now I find myself attempting to fully and completely disengage, give up the hope, and cut all ties, verbal and emotional.

It's been really helpful to have this site as a resource.  Therapy sessions are too short and too many days apart.

Good for you, another piece of taking your life back.  Yes, this place is very helpful and grounding.

[gtrhr]

I really appreciate the replies!  This time I guess the anger is healthier in that I haven't gotten to the point of abusing her back by calling her names for the terrible things she did.  I hate that I let myself get to those points in the past.  Then that becomes her thing:  I'm just as bad as her.  Not her realizing everyone has a breaking point and an absolute limit beyond which the responses aren't guaranteed to be nice.  But I feel that is where the healthier person doesn't need the validation, or the acceptance and can say to them self "screw you" and walk away.

I've been called out by her numerous times for texting her too much.  Basically I end up writing a novella in text to her about how bad all of this ___ is until I get it all out.  Because she has denied me a platform to do that face to face, or over the phone.

I told her yesterday we needed 30 minutes a day for the past two years to work all of this mess out.  She too feels unresolved.  She's telling me we could have had a happy life.  I'm like, what?  You mean happy for you if I just stayed and took the abuse and neglect?

When I try to talk to her about things and really get into the real issues, she goes absolutely nuts.  "I'm itching like crazy.  I'm breaking out in hives!  I just took a Zyrtec!  I'm tired!  I have too much to do!  I'm too busy.  You won't let me sleep!"

She becomes a complete madwoman.  And I have to tell you I could follow the couple's dialog to the T and use all of the techniques they teach in counseling.  None of that works with a BPD as many of us know.

We tried couples counseling.  The counselors ranged from absolute rank amateurs.  I mean one girl was so young and completely unequipped to believe that a woman could be a manipulative liar and abuser.

I tell you my own counselor saved my butt during this time.  Her advice to me was to get the hell out if counseling isn't working and if my BPD girl is using it to contain me.

For a time I will say my ex BPD would try but those times were short lived.  And yet she seemed sincere during those times.  But she could never keep extreme mood swings and controlling behavior at bay long enough for it all to sink in and work.   I feel I tried literally everything that I could to make it work.

At a certain point in time I stopped the over-texting.  It really sucks for me that I did it yesterday.  But I'm also not f---ing going to wait 6 months to let this play out the same way it would have played out in a 24 hour period of time.  With me saying, forget it, lets do no contact, nothing has changed!

It did no good and like I said made me feel like acid in my veins all day.  I was totally unproductive at work and it's a wonder I still have a job.  It's a testament to my company just the mental health resources they've provided and the understanding some of my managers have had while I've been going through all of this.

Well the ultimate validation that I'm not crazy even though I feel like it when I'm with her, is all of you and all of the materials written on the subject.

I would love to find the passion I had with her, combined with a friendship like I had with my wife whom I'm separated from.  She has proven to be my best friend in the world.  She has been there for me after numerous breakups with the BPD.  And yes, I feel sorry for her too suffering at my hands.  We were at what at the time seemed like a very bad spot in our marriage when I stepped out and went with the crazy girl.  I thought we were done after all the times I tried to bring up issues with her.  She was not BPD.  She was just quiet and didn't know how to talk to me.  She has really come out of her shell alot and we made amazing strides in counseling getting to be able to talk about anything.  So fortunately my good counselors are aware of that about me and realize I'm capable of healthy dialog when working with someone else who also is.  I had tried a couple of years prior to get my wife into counseling with me.  I didn't realize I could just make an appointment and expect her to go when she rejected me, and make some decisions to end the marriage or not based on that.  I really lacked the courage and insight then. These are my real life lessons to this point.  I wish I had never put her through this hell too.  There is a possibility of a future with her if I can rid myself of crazy and my neediness for her to validate all of the harm she caused.  I really all of this time just wanted her to show in her actions that this relationship was one she wanted.

I can totally related to the words myself wrote:

"If there even is an us, she'll be there, doing her part." She hasn't been here since. There are times I'm not sure she ever really was, but it's not so cut and dried.



So true!  Thank you all for reading and understanding.

[Aussie JJ]

Hey gtrhr,

Everyone here can relate to what your experiencing, it is horrible and reading through others posts and seeing that your experiences are valid and that you are not alone is helpful.  For me I know for ages I wasn't able to connect with my feelings because simply to feel was to be independant and my BPDexgf wouldn't have me being independant of her.  Hence I wasnt allowed to have feelings.  

Something that has been said to me multiple times is to be easy on yourself.  :)on't be so harsh accepting all of the blame and guilt.  Yes you were their, as we all have been in a unhealthy relationship however now your out of it and working through it.  

If your exBPDgf is like all of ours she will never and I mean NEVER accept fault for what has occurred.  Confronting her will give you some brief pleasure and instantly after that hit with having contact the pain will start again.  

I have been through it so many times and I am now at the point where I cant do it anymore for myself.  I can't have someone tell me that everything I experienced I am lying about.  Going and confronting her will start the abuse cycle again.  I will start to question my feelings and sanity due to her mental illness.  

All this comes down to is what do you want to do, continue the cycle or continue to learn and grow from the pain you have already experienced living through the cycle.  

I can tell you from my experience that it gets worse and worse the longer and harder you try.  

[gtrhr]

AussieJJ,

We have sheep in my part of the US so I'm glad there were no analogies!  hahaha

Yea it's tough.  I have been through a depression.  I'm actually under some treatment, not for mind-alterning type drugs but basically some hormone related issues that has gotten me physically feeling a lot better and my whole body is no longer in a depression. I think this has been key for me in confronting some of these deep seeded things.  Getting angry, like really angry about this - well I actually feel a lot of relief this evening.

One of my friends at work tells me just get rid of her and ignore her.  But I'm the one that keeps pinging her because I am the one that missed her.  But he is right.

I agree she will not accept fault.  She has given lip service to the idea before she was mostly at fault.  Even lately she has said she never gave us a chance.  But I think what it would really take is like you said, impossible.  Her fully realizing she did everything in her power to drive me away and feeling complete regret.  She has used the word regret but none of it adds up to really taking responsibility.

Part of me says, yeah if I had only stayed with her.  I broke it off with her over what really amounts to a petty argument that I kept pushing her to really try and be a friend and being a little bit understanding to have my back about something at my work.  Of course that's in the context of all of the other *stuff*

Yeah keeping hope alive was just too much.  I tell you it's so hard to be treated like you yourself are a child by someone who throws tantrums and shouts you down over some simple asking for what you need in a relationship.  The past four months have been peaceful and the next phase is to stop longing for her.  That has always been the tough one for me.  I did 5 years.  No way do I have another 5 in me.

[goldylamont]

a healthy person would do what it is i believe you want to do. which is to stop engaging with her and to cut her out of your life. give up on the dream that she will change. even if you change and become healthy, she won't. give up completely on this--radical acceptance. and as others have stated a healthy person gets angry when their boundaries are crossed and then channels this anger into removing themselves from the person that is the cause of the anger. i think you are on the right path. but if you are entertaining still being with this woman then you are on the wrong path. a healthy person will feel just as much pain and suffering you are feeling. they aren't immune to this--no one just "gets over it", healthy or not. just, a healthy person accepts the anger and pain by making a decision to go NC a bit easier than someone who is not.