thats how you get hooked

[antjs]

i was watching a video that really made me feel bittersweet. i believe that i am in the final stages of healing but still if i would watch an intimate or romantic scene in media i would get triggered and start yearning but thanks God it does not last long.

I believe that some people here are not rescuers\helpers\ love seeking\vulnerable\love needing by upbringing or family of origin only. i believe that since we were children the media introjected and kind of hypnotized us into "unconditional love" or "love at the first site". i believe we accept a lot of fantasies from the media and implicate them in our lives. one of the lessons learned during my healing process was to use a filter for losing such ideas of fantasies and "happy ever after". i did want to "save" my ex. i saw her brokenness during the second date and told her "i am gonna fix you" and played "fix you" by coldplay but i do forgive myself now. i acknowledge that i was trying to rescue her. i acknowledge that i needed that mirror. i am working now on changing this. it's an on-going process not an event.

[mace17]

Hi antony,

I have a bad problem with trying to "rescue" people too. My ex was an alcoholic and I knew it when I married him, but I thought that love could cure him.  Of course that didn't work.  My current H seemed so sad and lonely when I first met him, his divorce had just been finalized and a month later his mom passed away.  I think this is what drew me to him initially. I am always trying to take care of people who seem lost or hurt, and this is not always a bad thing, compassion is a good quality.  We just need to remember that we can't save everybody, and sometimes we have to watch out so we don't lose ourselves trying to save others.

[mace17]

In my case, I actually think it was because of my family of origin.  My father was the extremely dominating type and my mother was, for the most part, submissive.  Sometimes she grew a backbone and tried to stand up to him, and that's when the trouble started.  From a very young age, I tried to talk to both of them separately and iron out the problem so there would be peace in the house and I wouldn't have to spend too much time hiding under the bed.  To this day, I have a real problem with conflict avoidance and rescuing.

[Blimblam]

antony,

I completely agree with you.  I think it is more than just romantic movies though.  The media informs people a certain view of reality, what is 'cool' what is normal how to talk how to act. What they want out of life. What to buy. What color is good and what color is bad.

All of this serves to, on a possibly unconscious level, bring you inner shame that you are not good enough. So, you will go out and buy more crap you don't need and fuel the GDP. The idea of forming a sense of identity through consumption of commercial goods and the media is the very essense of creating a false self.

It is about control.

[mstnghu]

I've found from this board that despite the fact that the BPD people in our lives tend to paint us black, most of us are actually quite noble. We've tried to do the "right" thing by clinging to hope that they'll change and we'll be there to support them and stand by their side.

I know in my case, I've never desired to be a knight in shining armor. I've even told my wife during big fights that I wasn't looking to get married to somebody so I could fix them. I wanted a life partner to grow together with. Even though I wasn't looking to be her savior, I've still always felt that she needed somebody to accept her and love her and I could be that person. It's gotten to the point now though that no matter what I do for her, it's still never enough and she still makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. It's gotten to where I don't feel like I have anything else to give. It's a complete exercise in futility to try to support her and make her happy.

[Blimblam]

I've found from this board that despite the fact that the BPD people in our lives tend to paint us black, most of us are actually quite noble. We've tried to do the "right" thing by clinging to hope that they'll change and we'll be there to support them and stand by their side.

I know in my case, I've never desired to be a knight in shining armor. I've even told my wife during big fights that I wasn't looking to get married to somebody so I could fix them. I wanted a life partner to grow together with. Even though I wasn't looking to be her savior, I've still always felt that she needed somebody to accept her and love her and I could be that person. It's gotten to the point now though that no matter what I do for her, it's still never enough and she still makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. It's gotten to where I don't feel like I have anything else to give. It's a complete exercise in futility to try to support her and make her happy.

I can relate to these sentiments.  But perhaps the idea "we are quite noble," is a way to disassociate from really taking a hard look at our part in the interaction.  Why do we like to think of ourselves as noble? Where did this idea of viewing ourselves in this way come from? Noble as opposed to what? common or humble?

She needed someone to accept her and you filled that role, did that make you feel special? or did it make you feel like it could be any bloke on the street filling that role and you were just a common place holder?  How did being needed make you  feel?  Are you clinging to the hope you really are that person she made you feel like?

[NotASnowflake]

Part of my problem is, in some ways she saved me from myself when we first got together. And I know I have rescued her in some ways too. I've been able to be a calm force in the storm of emotional disregulation, I've prevented depression and low self esteem from dragging down as much as I could, but I'm getting really tired now. I've been dealing with a lot of FOG lately and sometimes I feel like I'm the only person that can help her get through tough times without falling apart. I think one of the main reasons I haven't left yet is that I'm doing the "right" thing by not giving up on her and this marriage.

[mstnghu]

I've found from this board that despite the fact that the BPD people in our lives tend to paint us black, most of us are actually quite noble. We've tried to do the "right" thing by clinging to hope that they'll change and we'll be there to support them and stand by their side.

I know in my case, I've never desired to be a knight in shining armor. I've even told my wife during big fights that I wasn't looking to get married to somebody so I could fix them. I wanted a life partner to grow together with. Even though I wasn't looking to be her savior, I've still always felt that she needed somebody to accept her and love her and I could be that person. It's gotten to the point now though that no matter what I do for her, it's still never enough and she still makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. It's gotten to where I don't feel like I have anything else to give. It's a complete exercise in futility to try to support her and make her happy.

I can relate to these sentiments.  But perhaps the idea "we are quite noble," is a way to disassociate from really taking a hard look at our part in the interaction.  Why do we like to think of ourselves as noble? Where did this idea of viewing ourselves in this way come from? Noble as opposed to what? common or humble?

She needed someone to accept her and you filled that role, did that make you feel special? or did it make you feel like it could be any bloke on the street filling that role and you were just a common place holder?  How did being needed make you  feel?  Are you clinging to the hope you really are that person she made you feel like?

I think what it probably comes down to is that I was trying to be a "good guy".  Her mom and dad divorced when she was 18 and I know that she had abandonment issues. I wanted to be stability for her. I didn't necessarily feel special and I've never been somebody who needs to feel needed, but I wanted her to know that she had somebody in her life who wouldn't abandon her... .then she made me the scapegoat for every bit of discontent and unhappiness in her life. I can do nothing right by her and she is unhappy. PERIOD.

In all honesty, I appreciate you being candid with me. I do however object to this question: "Are you clinging to the hope you really are that person she made you feel like?" ... .The answer is NO! I've always been an introspective person and when I see flaws in myself, I want to work to acknowledge and fix them. I know I'm not perfect, but always try to be honest with myself and deal with my issues. I am definitely not clinging to some sort of hope that that I'm the person she thought I was over 5 years ago! I'm WAY past that. My wife hasn't idolized me in a long time and I'm not looking for that. I actually hate the spotlight and would definitely hate to be idolized. In the beginning of our relationship, I was just happy that a pretty woman with a seemingly great personality was finally APPRECIATING me for who I was. In reality she really didn't though and was just trying to fill a void in her own life. I honestly believe now that she could be just as unhappy/happy with any man. She likes the "idea" of marriage and family, but in all reality, I'm nothing special to her.

As far as the idea of being noble, I think that many of us continue to stick around because we would feel guilty about "abandoning" our BPD partner. We have a moral conscience even though we know we're being kept in a miserable state by that partner. I may have flaws but feel that at my core, I am a morally conscious person who wants to make the world a better place.

I've tried to analyze what negative role I play in our relationship is and I think it really comes down to me being a trigger. My BPD wife wants to maintain control and manipulation in every situation and I know longer allow her to do so. I stand up to her and she hates it! She's been able to get away with it her whole life from many enablers (previously, myself included) and I refuse to do so now. I know that I'm a significant trigger in her life now, simply because I see through her and won't put up with her BS anymore.

[Blimblam]

...

[mstnghu]

"wow, how did you come to those realization in the midst of the relationship?  Coming to those realizations do you still feel addicted to her?  Do you still internalize her BS? or is it more just a frustrating part of life and perhaps you check out in some ways to cope?"



I'm not addicted to her anymore and am actually quite resentful and bitter toward her. I do still internalize her BS and try to make sense of it. I still let her bait me though and I engage and always regret it. My wife's BPD is a constant source of stress and frustration in my life and I do often check out mentally and try to ignore her. I also drink alcohol more, which is unhealthy but at least calms me down... .and gives her more ammo to use against me.

At this point, I'm pretty much at a mental realization as to exactly who she is and what she's about and what BPD is. The emotional aspect along with the practicality issue is harder to reconcile. Do I want to be divorced and single? Do I want to move out and live in an apartment and not have full custody of my son? Do I want to have to pay spousal/child support? Do I want to "divorce" her family whom I like? There are lots of variables involved, especially having a son together.

I'm not happy in our relationship but there are many other considerations to think of in the event of a separation or ultimate divorce. I do know that I was happy before she came along and often think about being happy again. I'm definitely in limbo at this point. I know all about BPD and how people afflicted by it act and how afflicted their "victims" (myself included) are. It's no easy decision.

[Aussie JJ]

For me, I came to the conclusion that if I could get her to acknowledge the problem and accept help I would be their for her and our son.  I know she isn't a bad person, I know she isn't deliberately manipulative or dysregulated.   

My words to her were it didn't have to be her problem but it could be our problem. 

I decided to try to save the person  that I know exists behind the disorder.  Unfortunatelly reaching out triggered the disorder and all of those coping mechanisms came out to deny the problem exists.  This was one of the most painful things I have ever endured. 

I had hoped as I'm sure others here have that we could assist and instead of enabling the behaviour we could enable the change.  I would accept some of the dysregulation as I could understand it and I would work through it with her. 

I can look back and I can say in 20 years to my son when he asks what happened I tried and I didn't run away.  It wasn't me that abandoned the relationship, I will be able to say that with absolute truth and I can say I have no regrets about the actions I have taken to try and help and reconcile to provide him with two caring parents in a single family unit. 

I wont have any shame to my actions previously, guilt that I didn't recognise earlier the problem that existed however no shame as when I found out I tried.  My belief is she knows and she can explain that to him, I wont appoint blame for her actions however ill always be able to defend mine in a rational manner and my actions will reflect that. 

It is the ultimate pain for me knowing that I can't help her amd that she wont accept the problem.  I can only counter the train wreck and sit back as a nuteral observer. 

[lemon flower]

I believe that some people here are not rescuers\helpers\ love seeking\vulnerable\love needing by upbringing or family of origin only. i believe that since we were children the media introjected and kind of hypnotized us into "unconditional love" or "love at the first site". i believe we accept a lot of fantasies from the media and implicate them in our lives.

not to forget all the classic fairy-tales, the chick-lit,... .but also all the great classic writers, artists... . 

I wonder where our romanticised perception originates from !

[antjs]

antony,

I completely agree with you.  I think it is more than just romantic movies though.  The media informs people a certain view of reality, what is 'cool' what is normal how to talk how to act. What they want out of life. What to buy. What color is good and what color is bad.

All of this serves to, on a possibly unconscious level, bring you inner shame that you are not good enough. So, you will go out and buy more crap you don't need and fuel the GDP. The idea of forming a sense of identity through consumption of commercial goods and the media is the very essense of creating a false self.

It is about control.

you are totally right. it reminds me of the idea of the movie of fight club. this movie is great. also tyler durden represents the mirror of the false self. edward norton discovered at the end of the movie that tyler durden is his false self and that he does not exist. this movie reminds me of the BPD relationship. in the wake up call, she is not there, you were just looking into a mirror.

[Blimblam]

antony,

I completely agree with you.  I think it is more than just romantic movies though.  The media informs people a certain view of reality, what is 'cool' what is normal how to talk how to act. What they want out of life. What to buy. What color is good and what color is bad.

All of this serves to, on a possibly unconscious level, bring you inner shame that you are not good enough. So, you will go out and buy more crap you don't need and fuel the GDP. The idea of forming a sense of identity through consumption of commercial goods and the media is the very essense of creating a false self.

It is about control.

you are totally right. it reminds me of the idea of the movie of fight club. this movie is great. also tyler durden represents the mirror of the false self. edward norton discovered at the end of the movie that tyler durden is his false self and that he does not exist. this movie reminds me of the BPD relationship. in the wake up call, she is not there, you were just looking into a mirror.

Marla would be the BPD. Remember the line "she's a predator posing as a pet"   Yes that movie is a great representation of the the subject at hand.

Here's a link to a good speech from the film the network about the influence of "the tube"

www.youtu.be/HFvT_qEZJf8

Also I'll post a link to the story of stuff that talks about the context of shaming the public into buying stuff in the context of the global economic system.

www.youtu.be/9GorqroigqM

[antjs]

Marla would be the BPD. Remember the line "she's a predator posing as a pet"   Yes that movie is a great representation of the the subject at hand.

yes thats why her picture is the avatar of Boris