Triggered by Women

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After my experiences with my ex, women in general trigger me.

Has anyone else experienced something along these lines ?

Somebody at my work made a comment to me, and I found myself feeling that sense of 'beat-down' and when I responded, 'not-heard.'

I became very angry, because she took something I said, misconstrued it ... .confronted me on it which is fine ... .and as I tried to explain myself used the same new-age bull-honkey language my ex used.

'You are projecting. Don't talk like that.'

Makes me crazy.

I'm not sure how to relate to women anymore.

All my friends are guys. If a vagina is involved, I run.

[Artisan]

After my experiences with my ex, women in general trigger me.

Has anyone else experienced something along these lines ?

Somebody at my work made a comment to me, and I found myself feeling that sense of 'beat-down' and when I responded, 'not-heard.'

I became very angry, because she took something I said, misconstrued it ... .confronted me on it which is fine ... .and as I tried to explain myself used the same new-age bull-honkey language my ex used.

'You are projecting. Don't talk like that.'

Makes me crazy.

I'm not sure how to relate to women anymore.

All my friends are guys. If a vagina is involved, I run.

[Blimblam]

Idk about women in general but when anyone starts bsing me I get angry now and set a boundary or just leave.

It definately is salt in the wound though but now that we are beginning to set boundaries I guess that's a healthy thing.  But in general when people use flakey new agey rederic to justify abusive behavior Or any type of rederic to justify abusive behavior it is just plain fascist.

[enlighten me]

I don't think that's its just women that I react to. As blim blam said its anyone who displays the behaviour that weve been put through triggers me.

I have found myself less tolerant towards selfish people. In the past where I would have shrugged it of I now find myself getting wound up and annoyed. For example a work college said to me the other day that he could really do with some chewing gum. I had some and threw them to him. He then took two of the three pieces leaving me with one left. I ripped into him for his selfish attitude and for being greedy. He couldn't see how his action was greedy. Now I know this seems extreme but I was working abroad where you cant get chewing gum. I had been generous in my opinion by meeting his need with a rare item and he had repaid me by being greedy.

Afterwards I thought its only chewing gum and realised it wasn't the gum it was how I had felt my generosity was taken advantage of.

I now must work on being more tolerant of others and maybe start being less generous to avoid getting in situations like this.

[AwakenedOne]

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

The only women that have triggered me lately are in the photos on that bpdfamily pdf above. It's helpful information but I have to look away from the photos.

That first woman with the demonic red eyeliner and the possessed look reminds me of my ex a lot. (Page 2)

The woman with the hat is a close second. (Page 4)

[Blimblam]

Artisan,

How are you doing these days? I remember we arrived here around the same time and I felt from you that you were in an extremely confused desperate place very much the same as I was at the time.  I hope you are doing better on your journey of healing.

Blim

[Infared]

After my experiences with my ex, women in general trigger me.

Has anyone else experienced something along these lines ?

Somebody at my work made a comment to me, and I found myself feeling that sense of 'beat-down' and when I responded, 'not-heard.'

I became very angry, because she took something I said, misconstrued it ... .confronted me on it which is fine ... .and as I tried to explain myself used the same new-age bull-honkey language my ex used.

'You are projecting. Don't talk like that.'

Makes me crazy.

I'm not sure how to relate to women anymore.

All my friends are guys. If a vagina is involved, I run.

I definitely have issues toward the opposite sex after my BPD experience.

I have women who are friends, but only to a certain level, and I keep a very tight grip on that.

I don't date anymore, and don't think that I ever will. I went through too much emotional pain due to all the lies, and the outright cruelty and abuse. It was pure evil. I spent a lot of years in therapy and in self help and learned to take care of me, by myself. I learned to just love and take care of just me... .long road. Apparently I was not very good at that, and I made a lot of bad choices for me and my well-being. I also have a self-help network and some very close friends. I feel like I got to the other side of the mountain. Now I just watch and grin.

I trust me, I trust God, and I trust a very few close friends.  I will never put myself in a vulnerable position to be hurt in that way ever again.  I believe that experience almost killed me. Can't say that I recommend it, but it is the only way that this survivor can stay safe from the lies, the manipulations and the self-centeredness.  They all do it... .just stay detached and watch. I can,'t imagine how or why I would invest my heart in that again. Just doesn't make any sense to me any more. Some call me damaged, some call me strong. Whatever, ... .I don't know anymore... .:-)

[Mr Hollande]

I am someone foolish enough to have involved myself very soon after the split from my BPD ex. Yesterday she (the new one) commented on me not being where she thought I was supposed to be due to a photo I'd added on my FB. This is what my BPD ex used to do which was often (always) a prelude to huge drama. I flipped and told her to stop surveilling me on FB. I think she's still shocked by my reaction.

[MommaBear]

Hey Artisan,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I doubt you'd want feedback from a woman, so if not, feel free to skip my comments. I don't want to upset anyone, but if it'll make you feel any better, I have some advice for you and anyone else feeling kind of the same way.

When I split with my exwBPD, I didn't want anything to do with any kind of relationship for - well, EVER. I had pretty much had it with men. Decided that being a single mother without a man in my life was best. Didn't want to expose my poor kid to this kind of crazy, and I knew he had damaged me from years of the ups and downs, the extremes, the endless cycle of selfishness and paranoia.

But I met a man who also has an ex with some kind of PD (she and my ex have a great deal in common), and we spent the better part of our first date (one I was reluctant to go on, I might add) comparing exes.

To this day we have contests to see which one is crazier!

The point is, he's used to walking on eggshells, and so am I, so having someone who understands the aftermath of being in a relationship with a pwBPD is incredibly comforting. There are so many things I don't have to explain, room for me to make mistakes and to grow, and over time, it does get easier. It has, for both of us. There are times I catch him doing something he would automatically do for his ex (or avoid doing because he is burned out), and I don't get mad. I understand why. I finally, FINALLY have someone who can give me the same understanding. Relationships are possible, even when we're still trying to heal and find our way back to our old selves.

Well, maybe an older, wiser version of our old selves.

Hang in there. Sometimes I feel like BPD is "contagious" in that we (nons) start losing our patience, and we've been invalidated for so long, that every little thing sets us off. It gets easier, but don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. Anyone going through what we went through would react the same way.

Hang in there 

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Artisan,

For a while I thought, "I'm permanently broken.  Whenever I get around beautiful women I freak out, become anxious, and feel angry."  After working through that with my therapist, I realized that there are very real reasons my "sensors" are going off.  First off, it wasn't *all* women -not really.  And it wasn't even all beautiful women, though perhaps to some degree.  It was around the beautiful women who walk around and strut, like they know how hot they are and look down on men and other women.  My "sniffer" picks up on narcissistic women who are sadistic and manipulative.  Not a bad skill to have, if I listen to it!

And I have ever reason to feel those ways when they are around!  My unconscious is screaming, "get back!"  Think of it like a warning signal.  Now, of course sometimes we need to heal and work through our pain so that there isn't what pscyhologists call "transference", which means putting other people in the shoes of someone else (such as someone who hurt you).  But by and large, there are usually very good reasons why those emotional sensors are going off.

Just by reading your story, it sounds like your sensors went off for real reasons.  Part of the healing process, at least for me, has been learning to trust my gut.  Before, I would always carry the blame on myself... .like, "I'm so screwed up... .Why can't I just be able to be around anybody and handle all of this stuff?"  But it doesn't work that way.  Your feelings, your "gut", is your ally.  The more you begin to trust your feelings and your gut, the less you will be "reactive" about it.  You'll simply start staying away from people who give you a sense of being "off."  And that is a very good thing.

That's happening to me right now with some girls I'm talking to as I'm dating.  One of them is making me feel thrown off, giving me mixed messages.  One minute she seems interested, and the next minute I'm initiating everything and she only responds a little.  But then she tells me she's confused because I'm not pursuing her more.  It's like... .huh?  In the past I might have been like, "Oh, ok. I'm sorry... ." but no.  I'm *not* sorry.  I don't like the way that makes me feel, and I'll never go back to being in a relationship where the expectation is that I initiate everything unilaterally.

[OutOfEgypt]

Short answer:  Being "triggered" is not necessarily a bad thing.  With where I'm at, I've learned it is a very good thing.

I'm not doubting you.  I'm just asking you to step back a little and think about your interactions.  Is it truly *all* women, or has it been more interactions with specific women or women of certain types?

[Artisan]

Thank you all for the responses. It's helpful and validating.

BlimBlam, I'm doing much much better, thank you for asking! I've been focusing on music, have a band put together, and we are starting to perform and put on dances. I've found some paying gigs, and moving forward with marketing and hopefully hitting the festival circuit next year. I'm working. Getting out into nature climbing boulders and waterfalls. And am developing friendships. Doing everything I know to do to self-nurture ... .oh, and I write and am published on elephant journal again.

MommaBear, your response is very thoughtful and I resonant with it deeply. Thank you for taking the time to explain your perspective and experience. I love women, and find myself avoiding them at all costs lately. The experience yesterday was shocking for me, I responded to her as I did my ex. Most of the other women in my life I have kept at arms length, this one happens to be a co-worker.

That being said, I do have some female friends. Some of them have been interested in me ... .and I avoid them. Although as you pointed out, someone who has been through the fun-house of crazy-making is easier to relate too, and one of the women I feel mostly safe with. Though I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with her.

... .

And, to be fully honest, it isn't just women that trigger me ... .the language and approaches trigger me regardless of gender. However, I do respond more strongly with women. The fear response awakens quickly, the defensiveness is there almost immediately. Not how I want to feel.

[OutOfEgypt]

And, to be fully honest, it isn't just women that trigger me ... .the language and approaches trigger me regardless of gender. However, I do respond more strongly with women. The fear response awakens quickly, the defensiveness is there almost immediately. Not how I want to feel.

But maybe it's a blessing?  If you are "triggered" most strongly around women who have a certain kind of approach (like your ex), then that is a good thing, no?  Your heart is throwing off warning signals.

[MommaBear]

And, to be fully honest, it isn't just women that trigger me ... .the language and approaches trigger me regardless of gender. However, I do respond more strongly with women. The fear response awakens quickly, the defensiveness is there almost immediately. Not how I want to feel.

Wow, I know how you feel. So many times with my ex I felt like, "This is not who you are. This is not the kind of wife you ever wanted to be. This is not how normal people feel and think and react. You deserve better. Don't let him change you into something you're not."

But being a bit raw after living in their "fun-house of crazy-making" (LOVE that description, by the way!), that's perfectly understandable.

I think sometimes it's hard for us to have the shoe on the other foot, because a common theme with many of us is that we started out as caring, reasonable people who try to give others the benefit of the doubt, and now for the first time, *we* need someone who is willing to give *us* a little wiggle room, without crossing the line into becoming an enabler at the same time. I always fear that my current relationship - however healing as it may be - will become like a crutch and I'll end up just as dependent and as crazy as both of our exes. I'm hyper-vigilant in that sense, because while I know, intellectually, that it's okay for me to make mistakes, not to be perfect and to be taken care of for a change, at the same time, it's not something I want to get *too* comfortable with either.

I always feel like I'm navigating the line between emotional comfort and dependency.

Our exes really do a number on us, don't they?

As for the idea of your gut being a trigger for a certain type of person, I agree. I never, EVER want to be around a man with those kinds of controlling issues and cavalier attitude towards absolute cruelty ever again. If that makes me hyper-sensitive, then so be it.

Some soldiers never return to combat because it messed them up, but that doesn't mean they can't contribute to the military in other ways, right? I'll never return to a relationship of that kind ever again. I can't tolerate even a whiff of BPD, and why should I? I've exceeded my quota of crazy-tolerance for once lifetime. As have you. Nothing wrong with that.

[Artisan]

Egypt, thank you for your responses. They make a lot of sense. Especially the feeling of being broken. That is how I feel, how I describe myself, and though the wound is healing ... .the feeling is still there.

Makes it difficult to get out the door some days.

I think part of what triggered me with this woman in particular is that she was also saying that people don't come to my classes because of how I post on facebook. I felt judged. And when I responded, the 'you are projecting' bullstink really pushed my buttons.

Perhaps I've developed some type of auto-immune response to certain types of women ; though I would have never considered this person toxic and have only had respect for her, and admire her for her independence and resilience.

I'm encouraged by your response.

[OutOfEgypt]

I think part of what triggered me with this woman in particular is that she was also saying that people don't come to my classes because of how I post on facebook. I felt judged.

I can see what you mean, here.  My ex would constantly say things that are a bit "off" and would make me feel judged, and if I dared to show emotion or respond negatively, I was immediately cut down for being "insecure."  It's like... .no... .you're just a jerk, and you expect to be able to say whatever you want and have people just take it.  If they don't, you blame them for being "weak."  Sorry, that's a sick game, and it's a lie.  Total invalidation of my feelings.

So, naturally I would have feelings about a situation like the above, too.  They can defend themselves and say, "Well, it's true!" or "Well, I'm a blunt person," but generally your gut can tell when someone's trying to be helpful versus when someone's just being judgmental.  It doesn't matter *how* judgmental they are.  They don't have to be BPD.  It will still trigger feeling.  When we learn to accept that and welcome those feelings, we learn who we are and can choose more to respond rather than to react.  According to my T (and through working with him for a few years) the tension and anxiety come from running from our feelings and turning against them.  The actual feelings (anger, pain, for example) are our allies.

[Artisan]

Really wish I could afford a therapist.

Do you think we could have some associated with this board who would work pro-bono / at discounts ?

I'm sure they could make enough money / contacts from people learning to heal from BPD and self-validate to earn a very lucrative living.

[OutOfEgypt]

That would be great, for sure! 

I think what helps a great deal is just having very, very close friends who will listen and validate your feelings.  You learn that its okay to be who you are -a message very different from the message we get in a relationship with BPD people.  Relationships are funny like that.  We get a reflection of who we are from who we let closest to us.  That reflection may be distorted and manipulated and invalidating, like when with a BPD person, or it may be based in truth and love and compassion, such as with a true friend.

[.cup.car]

I don't get "triggered" by women, nor do I feel nervous around them, but I have no desire to pursue a relationship. Once you see how badly it can go, it's like NOPE NOT RISKING THAT HAPPENING AGAIN.