Did anyone else feel so comfortable

[eagle755]

Did anyone else feel so comfortable and safe and secure with their BPD partner? Like they would never do anything to hurt you, never cheat or lie or anything? Because to you they seem so innocent and in love

Because I did

And the moment you find them at another guys house sleeping with them

Your whole reality kind of twists?

[Blimblam]

Did anyone else feel so comfortable and safe and secure with their BPD partner? Like they would never do anything to hurt you, never cheat or lie or anything? Because to you they seem so innocent and in love

Because I did

And the moment you find them at another guys house sleeping with them

Your whole reality kind of twists?

Yes my whole reality shattered. The worst pain ever. Then they can be so cold and you realize who u were meant nothin to them. 

[Veronykah]

Yup, when I got the email from the other girl, then saw the photos, and read the emails. Still feels like a dagger to my chest.

Its the only thing that keeps me from contacting him right now. I wonder if he's with her and don't want to find out any more terrible things. He says he's not but they were suddenly "friends" on FB after he broke up with me again? Yeah, right.

I could almost tolerate the other awful behavior, but the cheating, that's the part that I don't think I can ever get over. How could you EVER trust them again when they had all your trust and destroyed it like that?

I'd love to know how anyone can get over that.

[MommaBear]

My xhwBPD went on and on about adultery. Oh! It was the scourge of our times! You'd think he was some kind of radical religious zealot with the way he went on and on about cheating.

Little did I know that his passionate hatred was for the thought of being cheated ON, rather than cheating himself.

To this day he claims it wasn't his fault because he didn't see it coming.

Really? Does ANYONE see it coming? I mean, it's not as if you wake up one morning and say, "You know what? My marriage is pretty stable. I mean, things aren't perfect, but they're not bad, you know? Maybe I'll go sleep with one of my employees, shake things up a bit. Too much stability in a relationship is never a good thing."

And maybe he really didn't see it coming, I could believe that. But did he have to carry on with her for 6 months? Did he have to dance with her at work, eat lunch with her everyday, give her rides to class and worst of all, dig up all the old presents he had given me back when we were dating and give them to her?

To make matters even worse, I WORKED with them, so I got to see this whole hideous affair unfold before my eyes.

And to make matters even WORSE than that, every other employee knew what they were up to (the lack of discretion was obvious even to the dumbest person alive), so I was essentially a laughing stock.

I tried confronting him, he denied it. I tried being nice to her, thinking she was young, had a crush on an older man (her boss), and that maybe if I wasn't just some faceless wife and a REAL person to her, she'd back off. Neither of them did. It only escalated. Right in front of my face. Every. Single. Day.

I cried in my office, alone, every day.

He never cared. When I finally lost my cool and she quit, he blamed me for ending it and treated me even worse than before.

Nothing I ever did was good enough. Nothing I ever said mattered. No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I tried to reason with either of them, nothing mattered. I was irrelevant.

But yes, to answer your question, never in a million years did I think he was capable of such cruelty. Adultery? Maybe. I mean, we're all human. But this level of cruelty? Never in a million years.

[Feralnerd]

Absolutely. Never in a million years would I have imagined that this person who looked at me so intently, who loved me ferociously and without end could suddenly just stop caring and move on in a matter of days. That's part of why you'll see so many people here in denial, the abrupt end after such devotion, after it's been affirmed with profound conviction - it is almost impossible for us to comprehend.

We were all lulled in by hearing what we wanted to hear though. It is important to take a step back and look at that sense of security you had and recontextualize it in the face of all the red flags we might only be noticing in hindsight. I know that after examining my own situation, there were a lot of painfully obvious signs I was almost willfully ignorant of. I wanted to believe the words she was saying, and so I let myself be lulled into that comfort. At some point we have to own our half of the equation - we wanted to be in that comfort so badly, we let ourselves be duped.

[eagle755]

Jeez you guys. I feel like everyone here is exactly the same person, and I'm that person as well. All of our stories are so profoundly similar. And our experiences all so destructively the same. I wish none of you had to go through this endeavour. Its preposterous. But it is a great learning experience. I believe in the brilliance in even the bad times. It may be horrible and traumatic, but at least we can learn from it, at least we can grow more than anyone else is capable of growing. Because unlike them we took on a bull with horns. After this experience we can come to appreciate the smallest things that the next person has to offer, and adore them much more than we could have before. Looking back, we can realize that our BPD partners realistically we're horrible, and incapable of true affection.

Its horrible realizing the truth of it all though. To know that innocent person was just a mask of an abnormally evil parasite. Normal people like us simply can't believe it, or wrap our heads around it because we know we could never be capable of such psychopathic behaviours.

As horrible as it is for all of us, including me, I hope we can all get through it, and rise to be much greater than this.

[learnandgrow]

I echo the same opinions here... .They are very good at getting you to trust them fully... .I never thought it would go down the way it did. She made me believe she was "different." Little did I know all of the things she railed against, and was so disgusted by, she ended up doing. She must not have differentiated between having them done to you or doing the actions yourself... .

[Ventus2ct]

Yes, yes, yes, all of the above. I don't trust easily and yet it felt the most natural thing in the world to do, so comfortable on every level, day to day, night, I once commented we could spend a week in a small room together and wouldn't argue, fight and keep occupied.

It is interesting to note that all they seem to talk about, projecting infidelity etc, fears, criticisms, seem to be all the things they tend to do themselves. In a way it makes me feel stupid for not noticing it at the time.

But I have to admit that I put myself in that position, I did ignore red flags, even simple stupid ones and let all my guards down, duped by a mirage!

[Aussie JJ]

Sad thing is we all in hindsight were just as bad to a degree... .

We allowed them to overide all our boundarys and we overide all of theirs.  We didn't know the disorder but if honest I was guilty of overriding her boundarys as well. 

In this the fact that she had none whatever I put them in place, I destroyed them on on her.  I am the one that allowed the abuse and put those boundarys so low.  I am the one that didn't walk away as I was trying to understand.  From a BPD persons side im sure they are going through a lot of pain as well.   Now my boundarys are simple, I cant do it anymore for my own health... .


Its so horrid. 

[Ventus2ct]

JJ, I don't think they have any boundaries at all, they stop at nothing to get what they want, I certainly didn't stamp on hers although I did lower mine, in fact I didn't have any at all towards the end.

Call me callous but her "pain" or what she is going through should be non of our concern any more, we need to care about "us" They made their bed, they can sleep in it. We assume that they are in pain, maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I know mine can't have been in that much pain as was on dating sites prior to the break up, searching on Tinder and Match.com, she was really crying herself to sleep wasn't she?

We are history, stuff her pain I say, the only person who can cure that pain is her but then she doesn't know or admit there is a problem.You'd think over her 36 year life she might start to notice there is a pattern to her crappy relationships but then she leaps from one to the next believing the next one will be the "Fairytale", the one that never is or will be.

Sure mine could get married to the next one, have a family etc but the same sequence of events will occur as it did in our relationship, I guess it just depends on how long the honeymoon period lasts.

[AwakenedOne]

Like they would never do anything to hurt you?

Yes, on the day I married her I thought she will always love me.

It was all an act though. Sometimes I feel like a fool and a sucker for falling for and believing her fkn bs puppet show. I need to forgive myself somehow.

[Feralnerd]

To know that innocent person was just a mask of an abnormally evil parasite.

I don't want to derail the topic, but I think it's really important to address sentiments like this. We're in a lot of pain, and it's OK to be angry. But try to remember that this is an illness that is a response to them experiencing a profound childhood trauma. They don't want to be this way; they're like emotional 3rd degree burn victims.

Thinking of them as evil might get us through some tough moments, but at core, the reason we felt so comfortable is that they really meant what they were saying at the time. Let that sink in. The reason it felt like they were saying they loved you with conviction is because they really believed it too. It wasn't a deliberate attempt to destroy you, but getting caught in the crossfire between a person and their struggle with a very serious mental illness.

It might feel good to hate at the moment, but I know from experience that it will only keep you from growing in the long term. And it will only serve to keep you from letting go.

[AwakenedOne]

To know that innocent person was just a mask of an abnormally evil parasite.

I don't want to derail the topic, but I think it's really important to address sentiments like this. We're in a lot of pain, and it's OK to be angry. But try to remember that this is an illness that is a response to them experiencing a profound childhood trauma. They don't want to be this way; they're like emotional 3rd degree burn victims.

Thinking of them as evil might get us through some tough moments, but at core, the reason we felt so comfortable is that they really meant what they were saying at the time. Let that sink in. The reason it felt like they were saying they loved you with conviction is because they really believed it too. It wasn't a deliberate attempt to destroy you, but getting caught in the crossfire between a person and their struggle with a very serious mental illness.

It might feel good to hate at the moment, but I know from experience that it will only keep you from growing in the long term. And it will only serve to keep you from letting go.

I would like to respectfully disagree. BPD is a disorder. Each person is different, your right just as they all aren't evil you can't in turn though say that all of them are good and can't help it and didn't mean any harm at all. Most chose not to get help, including my wife. I will never believe a pwBPD is on autopilot mode programed to cheat, lie, steal and abuse and has absolutely no choice. I have seen no documented proof of them having no choice. If you find it please pm me. I would classify it more as they have a high tendency or being even more fair, a super high tendency to act out. They do have a choice though. My ex chose to execute a well planned attack on me one night when I was sleeping that physically hurt me bad. She chose it.

[Popcorn71]

I felt so comfortable and loved with my ex.  I really thought he adored me.  He said so often enough!  It took a lot to trust him because of a previous bad marriage and he knew that.  When he finally had my 100% trust he changed completely and eventually left me in a way I would never have imagined.  He seemed to enjoy hurting me at the end of our relationship and was a completely different person to who I thought he was.

[Turkish]

Did anyone else feel so comfortable and safe and secure with their BPD partner? Like they would never do anything to hurt you, never cheat or lie or anything? Because to you they seem so innocent and in love

Not so much because of that, but because my I knew my uBPDx was terrified of being abandoned and cheated upon. Like many of us, I think, for years i got the "you love me, don't you? You'll never leave me right? You won't ever cheat on me, will you?" I was naive to think that she would never do it to me, least of all to project her core abandonment wound upon our children  :'(

Lesson learned the hard way.

[NorthLight]

"you love me, don't you? You'll never leave me right? You won't ever cheat on me, will you?"

The she ends up being the one doing everything she was so afraid of you doing/not doing.

In this forum i often feel like we are all describing the same person, so much similarity !

If i had found this forum when i was with my exBPD (or knew what BPD was at that time) my head would explode

[BacknthSaddle]

Did anyone else feel so comfortable and safe and secure with their BPD partner? Like they would never do anything to hurt you, never cheat or lie or anything? Because to you they seem so innocent and in love

It's funny: my ex would say stuff like this, and I would actually try to reality check her.  I sent her this article once:

www.nytimes.com/2012/12/02/opinion/sunday/new-love-a-short-shelf-life.html?pagewanted=1&ref=general&src=me&_r=0

And she said "do you think that would happen to us."  I said, "yeah, I think it happens to everybody."  She says "I think we'll have the same passion forever."   This would happen again and again, and she truly just overpowered my reason. And then of course she didn't care about me anymore.  Or worse: she did, as a "friend."