My Story: Dumped out of the blue by ex BPD girlfriend

[NorthLight]

MY EX BPD GIRLFRIEND

I met a beautiful girl, with a very ruff past. She had been abandoned by her mom and dad, and had never had a place she could call «home» (she had been living in different places her whole life, like grandma / uncle etc). She had anxiety and depression and anger issues. I felt so sorry for her because she didn’t deserve that life, she was the sweetest most vulnerable girl, and she totally opened up her hearth and soul for me - Only me, coz she didn’t trust anyone else in the world. I felt so special and important.

When we met she saw a «light», that God has finally given her something good in life, a wonderful person that wouldn’t abandon her. She fell so in love with me, that she cried every night because she was so happy, and was about to give up life till she met me. But now she had me, she wanted to marry me and have kids from literally the first week, and was so blown away of happiness because she had found... Her soulmate, finally!

HER BPD MOM (she described herself when talking about her mom, how sick isn’t that!)

She told me this awful stories about her mom, that always pushed everyone that ever loved her away, and always blamed them, never looked back for a second and was so cold hearted and «evil» to others. Everything was always every one else’s fault, she was NEVER the problem (was the attitude of her mom). She criticized and hated her mom, and her goal in life was to be everything opposite than her.

I was blinded by "the love of my life" so i didn’t see that my ex was actually just the same as what she described her mom as. She saw everything in black / white ! And nothing was ever her fault! She just met so many persons that she thought she could trust, but then she saw their true identity, the were evil, so then she cut them off. Example: She went from loving my sister the first year, then suddenly just flip in her head and see black and never wanted to ever speak to her again (without any argument / fight, so my sister sat there thinking what the heck just happened). She flipped like this to many persons, but i always defended her. 3 therapists, her own sister, her co worker, boss, and some classmates. It was always them, never her. She was the victim every time. Oh yeh, and her 4 exboyfriends in last 3 years (Yes, it should have been red flags in my head, but the love was so intense).

OUR RELATIONSHIP

But of course i defended her blindly, my little vulnerable soulmate, that was afraid of the whole world, but had found me to protect her and trusted with her life. And she was so good to me, always wanted the best for me. Motivated me. Saw the best in me. Gave me faith in myself. She was my first love too, which made her even more important and belief that she was my everything and my soulmate. She was totally in love with me, extremely intense love. Her life had never been better. And i «jumped» on her spaceship up in a universe of intense love and happiness. I was the best guy in the world in her eyes.

In the good days she cried of happiness, wanted to get married soon and get kids, was so in love with me, everything with me was perfect. She always talked about how the future was so safe and good, because whatever happens with economy / job / friends, we would at least always have each others, us 2 as a team, together for ever.

In the «bad» days she could get really sad and afraid of me leaving her (for no reason), really angry at me (for not walking her to the buss stop and random stuff like that), really sad/afraid because of trauma from the past (which made me so sad, and just hugged her for hours while she cried, and she told me she could never live without me).

She couldn’t be a day without me, so we was together maybe 10-15 hours a day for the 2 years we were together, she moved in with me first week and if one of us had to travel the other always travelled with so we were always together. Unhealthy, yes i know, but i was so extremely happy when we was together, and so extremely missing her and worrying about her when we wasn’t together. Everything she felt about me, i felt about her too eventually, so i got very addicted to her after a while... And the ups and downs all the time got me really tired, but so motivation to «fix» the emotional issues.

FROM NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SUDDENLY DUMPED

4 months ago, we did it. We did the last thing she wanted, that she never though she would get: She got a home. Yes, i bought a home, her dream home, she used 1 year to find it and for me, it was perfect too. I have actually never ever seen her as happy as the last weeks in our relationship. She got good contact with both her mom, dad and sister again, managed to control her anger and anxiety, was quit happy at work, and had never had a better daily life with me. She sended this long messages each day that i have saved her life, and she was so happy and thankful and loved me more than anything, and looked forward to a long and so happy life with me.

In the apartment, i sit in now, she used to dance around naked and tell me how she was soo happy, and we would get our first child here, and had to get marry soon. This went on to the very last day. 1 month ago, she didn’t sleep one night, and the next day she was like a different person, without any regret, sorrow, or empathy for me she said «i have lost all feelings for you. i don’t love you. i don’t want to get in love with you again, so i don’t want to fight for the relationship either. i just want to run, and forget you, and you forget about me and have a nice life. I will never love you again, and don’t care about you, please let me go and never contact me again». This was actually worse and more of a shock than loosing a parent, or maybe a child. This was my soulmate. Dead. Gone. But not car-crash dead, just dead inside! I was so in shock. It was a nightmare.

NOW

Now i sit here, alone, totally confused, had the whole life figured out, nothing matters any more. I lost my job, i lost 11 kg, i lost my soulmate of my life. I sit in our «dream home» ALONE. I literally sitting in her dream, but she has left the dream…...

And she is living her life, finally «free» from me, starting life «over again» but have learned so much from me, have her whole family back, her life is back, she finally got happy, and then left so i couldn’t be a part of it. And she couldn’t care less about me. Is this humanity… Humans are evil, at least the «sick» ones. But I can’t get mad. I am just sad. So sad, i still want the best for her, i want her not to be sick, i want the person i fell in love with to come back. I am so confused. I haven’t heard from her since she left! …

But this is a illness, and i am so thankful for this site, reading similar breakups and similar relationship-histories, that makes it a bit easies to understand how a human person can behave like this = Because it is a illness, its not normal behavior. Thats why i shared my story, i hope every one finds peace, understand, accept and move on. My life has fallen apart, right now i just try to stay alive.

[drmrconfused]

My friend, your story is so similar to mine. In the evening we were fine next morning she tells me never to contact her again. She is now throwing a rope from a safe distance but I learned my lesson and this time she can get only rejection if she ever contacts me again. Focus on yourself and take this as a lesson. Things will get better. I know this from previous 4-5 break ups that she put me through.

[Blimblam]

North light I can relate so much to your story.  I too worked my ass off to make the dreams me and her talked about come true only to be betrayed because I got too busy with work and she would not contribute. Then I was dragged through the mud.  Let me tell you this it may not seem like it but she did you a favor the stage that comes after the split the devaluing is like being rejected 1000 times a day. Having it all at once is devastating and the pain from something like this is like you said it is like the death of the love of your life and the perfect parent you never had all at once.  

I'm glad you found this place! I recommend reading the links to the right of the page and every single post by the member 2010 I think you need 10 posts to have access. Also sea_of_wound posts describe exactly what it feels like and is extremely validating to read somone describe exactly how it feels.  

Be gentle withyouself and listen to that feeling in your gut and your heart used to be.  

[NorthLight]

Thank you bro. I am new to site so i don't know how to find post by specific members, but i have read a lot of threads, and it helps me understand that i am not alone here. It seems like every one gave everything, and ended up left alone ... .I wish every one on this forum the best of luck to recover.

it is sick to say, but i have lost family members (that has died) that i loved very much, but this, a "breakup", is actually 100 times more hurtful, because it was a BPD relationship and so intense love.

Maybe because its easier to accept death of a loved one, than to accept to loose your "soulmate" by her dumping you out of the blue, after so intense love and idealization after 600 nights of crying because she is afraid I'm gonna leave her because I am her life and have saved her. It is hard to accept and understand, she is gone for ever from my life, but at the same time she is still alive with the believe she has finally seen the "true" me, and how good it is to get rid of me... .

[withoutapaddle]

I agree with Blimblam. The devaluing is horrible. Keep your head up North! Im right there with you!

[withoutapaddle]

Blim.

How do you find a post by a certain member? Im new to the site as well

[camuse]

Horiffic. My sympathies to you.

You are probably in for a rough ride now, but you will come out of it ok in the end, and as said above, she actually did you a giant favour.

It's not sick to say at all - I agree that it is worth than a death. Remember, what has happened is not a reflection on you at all. Hard to believe that right now probably, but in time you will understand that.

[eagle755]

My god, I might as well copy your post and make it my own, and not even edit anything out. Its so f ing spot on to my situation. Except instead of a house we lived together for 6 months. Instead of leaving me though, she went and had sex with another guy behind my back. I found out and she basically pleaded insanity and begged me back for two weeks. But then stopped begging and basically didn't care anymore. She says all this "I want to get better so we can be together in the future, because I love you so much and I'll never get over you" crap, yet continues to lie and do things that are horrible.

You gotta keep keeping on. Its been two months for me, and I still have panic attacks every morning. Trying hard to stay nc. Thinking about things constantly. Why this, why that. We lost a part of us. They became a part of us from being so clingy and around us so much. It hurts, it really does. I've been with several women since her, and they just don't add up to what I "thought" we had. Its not fair, but we will all get through it somehow. Better yourself in the meantime, I surf every single day now, go to the gym, work, doing all that I can to become a great person for a girl that deserves it. We want that girl to be our BPD other, but we just can't be the hero for them like we wish. I hate it

[KeepOnTruckin]

Coming from out of the blue, when things are going so great, with a future planned is exactly how my relationship ended... .For the second time.

I sympathize with you and wish you the strength to keep your chin up and keep moving.

[sirius]

Northlight, peace bro... .mine is the same kind of story like yours except she was with me for 13 years. Groomed her from High School till becoming a successful lawyer. She painted her family black as well and recently reconnected with them. She left after that, I was garbage after she found/reconnected to her family (enablers). Same situation as she painted my brother black too in the first year.

She left within  less than 24 hours after celebrating (she planned everything for me) my birthday. I was so happy and we talked about children and marriage and then... .ka bammmm.

Extreme pain of losing a soul mate and 7 weeks after she left, I found that she was cheating on me for 7 years with different people a long the way.

I gave up my company, my career my life my soul (attempted suicide with a gun) to be with her. Finally she just flipped... .I reached out she changed her number and thats it... .

Hang in there bro... .

[NorthLight]

YMy god, I might as well copy your post and make it my own, and not even edit anything out. Its so f ing spot on to my situation. Except instead of a house we lived together for 6 months. Instead of leaving me though, she went and had sex with another guy behind my back. I found out and she basically pleaded insanity and begged me back for two weeks. But then stopped begging and basically didn't care anymore. She says all this "I want to get better so we can be together in the future, because I love you so much and I'll never get over you" crap, yet continues to lie and do things that are horrible.

Sad to hear mate, that must be very very hard to give everything you have and her thanks is to cheat. Good to hear that you have started function, i hope i can start one day too... I can not imagine been with another girl haha, maybe because its only been a month or maybe because i can never trust another girl, since she is the only one i have trusted and given my hearth too. Good luck in the future man.

[NorthLight]

Northlight, peace bro... .mine is the same kind of story like yours except she was with me for 13 years. Groomed her from High School till becoming a successful lawyer. She painted her family black as well and recently reconnected with them. She left after that, I was garbage after she found/reconnected to her family (enablers). Same situation as she painted my brother black too in the first year.

She left within  less than 24 hours after celebrating (she planned everything for me) my birthday. I was so happy and we talked about children and marriage and then... .ka bammmm.

Extreme pain of losing a soul mate and 7 weeks after she left, I found that she was cheating on me for 7 years with different people a long the way.

I gave up my company, my career my life my soul (attempted suicide with a gun) to be with her. Finally she just flipped... .I reached out she changed her number and thats it... .

Hang in there bro... .

Thank you for the support. And i have all sympathy for you bro, hang in there! Very sad to hear.

That must be very sad, after so many years

My exBPD switched between black and white on so many people that got close to her actually... but i had never heard about BPD, and just defended her back every time. T

hen she got that "switch" on me. I never saw it coming, I'm still in shock.

When she broke up with me, she had realized that i was keeping her chained from being happy, and she needed to totally get me out of her life to be "free", and she treated me that day as the biggest devil on earth, with NO bad mood/fight or anything that made her view me from white to black. Some days before we ordered vacation plain+hotel, got our home done, and was just so so happy.

How can her idealization and extreme intense love and that I'm "her whole life", change over night, to i am the devil, thats something so crazy that i can't understand and accept it in my head.

[Confusedmae]

North Light: I can't really add to what others have already said but I just wanted to warn you to be prepared for recontact. Make a plan ahead of time so in case it happens you are prepared.  NC seems to drive them crazy but more importantly, it gives you time and space to heal. Keep reading too.

Gently, please don't compare this to the death of a child. It's not even close. I haven't experienced it first-hand but two of my brothers have (2.5 year old with cancer and 24 year old, married and 36 weeks pregnant with twins) and I wouldn't trade them for anything or anyone in the world.

Keep hydrated, eat when you can, sleep, exercise, educate and remember to breath.

[NorthLight]

North Light: I can't really add to what others have already said but I just wanted to warn you to be prepared for recontact. Make a plan ahead of time so in case it happens you are prepared.  NC seems to drive them crazy but more importantly, it gives you time and space to heal. Keep reading too.

Gently, please don't compare this to the death of a child. It's not even close. I haven't experienced it first-hand but two of my brothers have (2.5 year old with cancer and 24 year old, married and 36 weeks pregnant with twins) and I wouldn't trade them for anything or anyone in the world.

Keep hydrated, eat when you can, sleep, exercise, educate and remember to breath.

I did not want to insult anybody, i don't have kids, and i do not know how it is to loose one, so sorry if that hurted to hear man.

[eagle755]

Yeah dude, I feel you. Reluctantly I have fall back plans. Always carry plan b's. Friend with benefits. My fwb was there the very night things went down. The moment I found out about the cheating, I called my fwb(whom I hadn't contacted since before dating my BPD gf, because that's wrong) and talked to her right in front of my ex, and told her to come pick me up. And basically told my ex as I was leaving that I was about to plow the sht out of my fwb(even better, she is complete enemies with her. And even better than that, my fwb dated the guy my BPD ex cheated on me with, for two years. Very weird, I know, and my fwb always told me how bad in bed he was, it was laughable)

So she came over, and before leaving with her, my fwb said to my ex "I hope the sex you were getting was better than what I got" and started laughing her butt off, then we left.

It was indeed the most satisfying thing that could have ever happened. And I'm so glad it did.

Yet I still also have trouble with other women even after that. (Although I slept with my fwb one day, then 10 minutes later slept with my ex, with her knowing of it too, then another one of my exes after)

Its definitely somethin crazy man. To keep me down even after all of the revenge and crap I did. I just gotta find me a real girlfriend, the sex doesn't even matter

[Blimblam]

to read posts by other members you need to have a minimum post count of 10.

1. click the green button that says 'members' above the search site option

2.click the green search for members button

3. type in the member name

4. click search

5. find the member and click on their name

6. click 'Show the last posts of this person.'

also I want to add make sure you read all of the articles and links to the ----> of the page

read as many articles as you can on the site.

the stuff I read about the BPD behaviors to this day continue to evolve in my own understanding.

[Inside]

NorthLight, I agree very much with the following (and most everything said to this point):

North Light: I can't really add to what others have already said but I just wanted to warn you to be prepared for recontact. Make a plan ahead of time so in case it happens you are prepared.  NC seems to drive them crazy but more importantly, it gives you time and space to heal. Keep reading too.

I also agree this can’t actually be ‘compared with a death,’ but, with a death you are surrounded by understanding, if heartbroken family and friends grieving with support…  With the ‘death’ of a BPD r/s, we are alone    Support that is lacking – but you’ve found it here

I also know how much this hurts, closing on 8 months NC I feel like I’m still searching for ‘closure.’  PwBPD seem never to give or allow for closure, and I think that’s because they don’t want it, they want space, time, and maybe a new adventure.  They are so messed up   So it’s hard to feel, but the disorder did you both a favor and a disservice. 

The ‘favor is,’ they eventually leave, and in your case thank someone you did not get married - or have children with her!  Keep reading around here to assure yourself as to where that ends…  The ‘disservice’ is that you are going through emotional withdrawals the equivalent of a Heroin addict. 

Hang in there!  During my 3.5 year, seven-recycle ordeal with an uBPDgf… I thought our love was stronger, that ‘she was different,’ so when folks around here told me how lucky I was she'd left, all I wanted was her back.  And since BP’s never seem to permanently leave, I’d ‘get her back.’  Then - the same crap, except less closeness and never ever near the way it once was … just a continual decline right back to the end :'(

It hurts.  But we heal – and grow.  They don’t, they repeat this behavior forever…  But we should now be expert at spotting it, thus never wounded to this degree again.  The hardest and saddest part to me is that we seem punished for helping, even loving another.  Some say we have something to fix about ourselves …I’m not so sure, as I’ve ‘met’ some exceptional people around here. 

Stay with us – and, we will heal …though we shouldn’t have to 

[withoutapaddle]

to read posts by other members you need to have a minimum post count of 10.

1. click the green button that says 'members' above the search site option

2.click the green search for members button

3. type in the member name

4. click search

5. find the member and click on their name

6. click 'Show the last posts of this person.'

also I want to add make sure you read all of the articles and links to the ----> of the page

read as many articles as you can on the site.

the stuff I read about the BPD behaviors to this day continue to evolve in my own understanding.

Thank you Blim! Yeah I have been!

[NorthLight]

It hurts.  But we heal – and grow.  They don’t, they repeat this behavior forever…  But we should now be expert at spotting it, thus never wounded to this degree again.  The hardest and saddest part to me is that we seem punished for helping, even loving another.  Some say we have something to fix about ourselves …I’m not so sure, as I’ve ‘met’ some exceptional people around here. 

Stay with us – and, we will heal …though we shouldn’t have to 

Thank you for the support. And thank you for tips, i am reading, and reading, so many stories here, that makes me grateful that she left now and not in 10 years with kids and family.

I feel so sorry for everyone that has happened with, and when i see how they describe their relationship till the day it suddenly ended, i see so much similar in my relationship with her.

For every BPD relationship story i read, i get a little bit healed, because for every story i understand that all that soulmate / heroic knight / meant to be / intense love, was just a result of her having BPD, it wasn't as unique and special as i thought the whole relationship.

Thanks for support from everyone i haven't quoted too btw this is the one place people know what I'm going through right now.

[jammo1989]

Hey again Northlight, your story is a lot more extreme than mine, as far as her attitude towards you, and the depth of emotion.  This is what i think about your situation, i will try my best to explain exactly what happened in your situation.

The 1st thing id like to address is the fact, she had no career, no future prospects no output towards society.  This within itself maked me think that she felt invisible to society and worthless within herself. This is how BPDs feel, especially like my ex and yours when they really dont contribute much to the world they live in.

She saw you as this mentally and financially strong person, almost like that knight in shining armour.  She put you up on this pedestool, and almost gave her all to you because you made her feel validated you gave her that label, remember what i said about no self identity? Well bu her saying shes in a relationship, maked her feel like she has some kind of identity.  She mirrored all your good traits, and by doing so you made her feel more positive and happier within herself and she probably repaid you for this with mind blowing sex. 

You then brought the house, you proved your love for her and she changed over night, this is probably because she felt that now you havea house together it replicates a future together, she then got scared her BPD got triggered through the fear of abandonment and she ran, a bit like anxiety, flight or fight response.  Bpds are like a bucket with holes in, you could have built a mansion and her response would have still influenced the same outcome.

I also believe that a part of her wanted marriage and babies within the 1st few weeks because either she wanted that label i mentioned earlier in regerence to self identity, or she wanted to trap you with children, not only would that mean child support, and i can assure you thay that child WOULD be used as a weapon against you in order to meet HER needs.  Furthermore, by you giving her a baby would mean you would always be in her life, BPDs hate being alone, so by having you still in the background, she could still get with others knowing you are still attached because a child is in the picture.

You dodged a bullet my friend, think hard about this, you gave her that child, you pay the child support, knowing that money is actually to buy her replacment gifts, also would you like another man bringing your child up? Knowing she would probably manipulate that child into resenting you, throuhh her projection methods.

I know you feel awful right now, but look at the bigger picture, you are like me, you saved yourself before you had the chance to sell your soul to the devil.

[Deeno02]

Jammo 1989 could you look over my situation? Looks like you have some great insight. Im not sure how you can review it other than under the New people section... .

Deeno02