I'm desperately stuck on this one fear/worry...

[sea_of_wounds]

Hello family,

I read a lot of posts here where people feel terribly hurt when an exuBPD  suddenly abandons the relationship and then never is in touch again.  Some people on here have even been dumped by texts, or they have been told things like "We'll talk again" and then never hear anything again.

Other has received endless stretches of silent treatments that feel so hurtful and torturous.

I have been in so much grief over the way I had to tell my ex gf I couldn't be in touch right now, that I needed time.  My situation is compounded by the fact that she is in a serious committed relationship.  I have never expected her to leave it---I have tried to bow out several times, unable to cope with the pain and on/off emotions and walls she puts up, the confusion, and deep wounds----but got drawn back in by just a touch of her hand, or an imploring look---my heart broke over and over.

I am still feeling so much guilt and self-doubt for the way I had to stop contact between us.  It probably seemed very abrupt to her.  I did call her a few weeks ago and tried to explain that I am not doing this because I don't love her.  I said I just needed to get to a place where I could come to acceptance, channel my emotions elsewhere, and try to be a friend.

She sent me a beautiful, beautiful email on the 3rd this month.  It hurt so much to once again tell her, gently, that I needed time, that I would be in touch when I could. 

I am sorry to sound like a broken record here, but I am in so much pain thinking I am like all these other BPD people who just cut ties and never look back.  I fear she thinks I care nothing for her at all--that I just easily walked away, when nothing can be further from the truth.

My friends and family keep trying to tell me I am doing this to protect myself, but I still am stuck believing I came across as dismissive, cold, and cruel.  I am trying meditation and yoga, and am still in therapy twice/week, but the more I read about the pain and anguish people here feel for having been suddenly dropped, the more anxious and heartbroken I feel that I am doing the same thing to her... .She reached out, and I maintained we needed to be out of touch.  How could that not come across as cruel?

Perhaps I should note that over the course of a year, I tried to reach a place to move things back to friendship with her many, many times, but when she made another advance, I wasn't strong enough at the time to resist, and I take responsibility for being drawn back in.  I loved her fiercely---

She moved thousands of miles away, and that changed a lot of things.  My role turned into becoming a text message a day--very nice and sweet and light messages, but when she came here in June, the wounds just got ripped open again when I couldn't keep my boundaries and we were intimate for the 1.5 days she was here.

After that, I had to tell her I could no longer live like this---I couldn't explain much, and trying to talk it out with her didn't seem to come to any resolution---I decided being out of touch was the best thing so that I could let all this pain settle.  I was feeling somewhat ok after the phone call a few weeks ago--felt like she understood, but that heart-achingly beautiful email she sent a week later made me doubt everything and feel so brutal.

I am stuck on this issue---I am sorry to ask for help with it again and again.  I just feel so much pain when I read other people's pain about being abruptly cut off----

I don't want to be that kind of person---I don't want to be cold and mean.  I love her so much and would do anything for her, but I have no idea what to do because I am so raw and in so much pain---I wish I could explain more to her why I am doing this---I don't hold any malice toward her at all.  I forgive her----I own my part in this---

Having such a hard, scary morning and just needed some wisdom/insight. 

How many people on here felt like me if they were the ones to end the relationship?  I would love feedback from those who had to end the connection.  Did you go through a period of horrible guilt and feeling so cold and mean, feeling like you were behaving just as they had behaved to you in the past?

Sorry again for being so stuck on this one issue----it is just eating away at me day and night.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi my friend,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I know that the sense of guilt can be almost unbearable.

She reached out, and I maintained we needed to be out of touch.  How could that not come across as cruel?

Because it is not cruel for you to do something good for yourself and for her that does not wrap entirely around her feelings.  How would it be good for her if you kept being pulled back in, especially when she is supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone else?  That's just enabling her dysfunction -which isn't good for her or anybody.

The thing with BPD's (and with us who get involved with them) is that they expect that we will sell our souls to revolve completely around their feelings.  Their feelings become "god".  And we willingly comply.  And we give up every sense of self.

It's easy for me to tell you that you are doing the right thing, but only you can work through that guilt.  What I see here, however, is not merely guilt but also self-punishment.  It is one thing to feel guilt when you walk away from someone you love because you have to leave them in their pit and cannot and will not stay in there with them any longer.  But it is another to call yourself "cruel" and things like that.  I'm no therapist, but I know my therapist would tell me that the self-doubt and self-punishment are basically a crutch I'm using to avoid feeling the grief head-on.  Hopefully your T can help you process this.

The grief will subside.  It hurts to say goodbye, especially when they are writing you "beautiful" letters, as you put it.  There's no way around that.  But it sounds like you are sticking to your guns, and that is good for you and your life.  Remember, my friend... .there is nothing cruel about salvaging your life from a destructive situation.  It hurts when it means leaving someone you love, but it isn't cruel.  And if she was able to truly love you without being consumed with herself and her own situations, she would support you.  The love would go two-ways, not just one-way.  She doesn't need a martyr.  She needs to take responsibility for herself and for what she's doing.  But she never will as long as there are people who are willing to run to her rescue and climb back down into her pit with her.  As long as she has a guy (or heck, many guys) in the pit with her, revolving all around her feelings, she has no reason to ever leave it.  I'm sorry, my friend.  But it will get better.

[Blimblam]

I don't think she wants to hurt you but it is a natural aspect of our empathy of relating to her projections.  Bearing the burdain of her internal fears and shame do not help her face them when we reflect back pain and suffering. And if she is made aware of how it hurts you she can relate because that is how she feels inside but that only brings her more shame an endless cycle.  Being in a place to process all these emotions and healing is the greatest service you can do to her and yourself. Through the alchemy of acceptance and love turning "these leaden grudges into gold ." To quote tool.  That is what she truly seeks and you can do that but you can only do that from processing all you have internalized within.  Then it may be possible to be a friend to her and  she can perceive in her reflection her own suffering through you transformed into compassion free of pain or suffering.  But you have to be true to yourself in creating the space for which you can make this transformation. 

[sea_of_wounds]

Thank you so much outofegypt, for that eloquent and wise reply.  I had not yet examined the fact that my guilt was also leaning into self-punishment.  This has been very eye-opening for me.

I have felt cruel for what I perceive to be an abandonment.  I think I have also felt cruel because I feel like I am going against my nature in not being available----so much of what I felt valuable for with her was to be there, to be available to her, to be that person who would not fail her.

It was very helpful for you to point out that being that person for her also meant enabling the dysfunction to continue.  Sublimating my hurt and my needs was not allowing her to form a truly healthy bond with me, and to respect me and her current partner.

I did find myself completely in compliance with her wishes/needs, even if it meant I was getting terribly wounded---quietly suffering.

Facing the grief and loss has been a tremendous, frightening struggle.  So much of my pain is entangled with feeling that I caused this, that I was not worthy, but I know so many people have walked this path of fear and shame before me, and I am learning so much from this board.

I really appreciate this line:  

Remember, my friend... .there is nothing cruel about salvaging your life from a destructive situation.  It hurts when it means leaving someone you love, but it isn't cruel.

So many of these wise words I have read here have become mantras for me---that I keep repeating to myself over and over.  I am counting on time to help me fully embrace these words, help my emotions heal and believe them... .

Thank you... .

[sea_of_wounds]

I just saw your very beautiful reply, blimblam.  Thank you.  You are absolutely correct---when I tried to explain how much I was hurting, it just brought more of the shame cycle into full swing.  You wisely pointed out that this was because she could relate to the pain, but she was unwilling to address it within me, and would either put up a wall, avoid, turn off emotion, or become angry (very rarely, but that did happen a couple of times)

The Tool quote was beautiful---leading into the equally beautiful idea that my taking time to step back is not only a service to myself, but a service to her.  I sometimes lose sight of that---I am not only doing this for me, but also, in many ways, for her.  Whether or not it helps her as a person, I know, is beyond my control, but I know that continuing to deny all of my pain and hurt is not helping her learn how to treat me as a friend. 

If there would ever be any hope for a friendship, it would involve her having to acknowledge my pain, in whatever way she could, and not cross the boundaries that inflict it.  And I would have to do the same for myself---not cross my own boundaries and harm myself.

I like your statement about creating space to transform.  When I look at it this way, it feels so much more gentle---creating space does not sound cruel.  It sounds healing.

Thank you blimblam... .

Thank you all for being here... .

[patientandclear]

Sea,

The way I see it, her "beautiful email" shouldn't have been sent. Hadn't you already said you needed not to be in touch for a while, so you could get your feet under you? You'd be back in touch when you could? This was because you were in pain?

The "beautiful email" was the opposite of kind. She deliberately ignored the boundary that cost you a lot to erect. Is that right?

I'm sure she would prefer that you were in touch -- you're super smart and engaging and it's her loss to have you need to step away for a while. When I decided on NC with my ex after the breakup, I was worried he would see it as me rejecting him; and a good friend said "yes you are rejecting him, and that should hurt when he thinks about it." No need to protect her from the natural consequences of her actions ... .She made her choices, this is your reaction to protect yourself. She didn't have to make the choices she did.  Had she not, you'd have acted differently no doubt.

When you stepped away you did it for reasons you could and did articulate and those were connected with reality.

I agree, whenever anyone, wBPD or no, cuts ties to someone they said they loved, and won't explain why, it's awful. I think it behooves us to treat our loved ones wBPD in the same way we would wish to be treated: kindly and respectfully. So walking away with no reason given--I wouldn't do that, tempting as it has been at times. But you did it with kindness, and you explained; you said you'd be back when and if you could. You did not let her down here.

[Emelie Emelie]

P & C is exactly right here.  You made your decision because you are in pain and you're trying to sort this out.  You did treat her kindly and respectfully.  As you said she is in a serious committed relationship.  It's important to treat yourself kindly and respectfully as well.

[Tausk]

My situation is compounded by the fact that she is in a serious committed relationship.  I have never expected her to leave it---I have tried to bow out several times, unable to cope with the pain and on/off emotions and walls she puts up, the confusion, and deep wounds----but got drawn back in by just a touch of her hand, or an imploring look---my heart broke over and over.

I am still feeling so much guilt and self-doubt for the way I had to stop contact between us.

Does her husband know of the interaction between you two?  If not, then do you feel guilt over cheating with your exgfwBPD?  

A pwBPD thrives on triangulation.  You ex will never ever want release from the situation.   She doesn't have the capacity to take responsibility.  

The FOG is so thick that it's hard to see our own noses.  I did and accepted actions that were totally against my sense of decency.  But at some point I had to step up and take responsibility for my actions and stop using my ex as an excuse to not live a life that was in step with my morals and ethics.

[sea_of_wounds]

Thank you Emelie, for your gentle words... .I read your posts and relate so much to what you are going through... .

PC, thank you for that injection of clarity that you always so uniquely give.  You are right--a week earlier I had explained that I could not be in touch, that I needed time, and I hoped that given time, I could resume a friendship, if at all possible.  She said she understood. 

It seemed easier to find some peace with my decision after that phone call.  You are right again, noting how much it cost me to make that phone call and set that boundary---the cost was immense.  The email just ripped things open again, forcing me to restate my original boundary, this time at even more of an emotional price.  So incredibly painful to feel like I am rejecting an open hand----My T asked me today if I was rejecting the beauty of her words, if that was the reality of what I was doing.  I thought about it and said, "No, I was rejecting the painful situation."  I am trying to believe those words even though my mind produced them.

Thank you for the reassurance that I explained the best I could why I had to step back, that I didn't just completely vanish.  Yes, at times I thought maybe that would be the only way, since none of my boundaries could ever be respected, but it was important for my sense of mental well-being to kindly explain.

Tausk, her partner, a woman, I think is, on some level, aware of the situation between me and my ex.  I think I need to start a new thread addressing some wounds there, too.  Her partner has consistently reached out to me for friendship, even calling me on the phone a couple of weeks ago to tell me that she was lonely, that it was hard for her because her partner doesn't contact her much on her extended travels for her musical gigs  (and I unfortunately know part of the reasons why... .I suspect my ex has many women in her circle----I can't be the only one... .not based on what she has told me, hinted to me, etc.). 

Ex's partner seemed so vulnerable, so in need of someone to talk to.  I had to choke back tears as I was talking with her, because I do care for her, and am so upset about everything that happened, wishing I could be a friend to her.  I can't bear this image of me as the whore homewrecker---I struggle with that all the time.  Sometimes I feel I can never be redeemed.

It hurt so much to have to cut ties with her, too.  And the explanation I gave her was even more vague---I had no idea what to say except that I was working on some important things in my life, taking time to address them, and I hoped we also could take time before I was ready to be back in touch.  Not much of an explanation, but it was the best I could do. 

It's bizarre because when ex and partner were living here, the more I tried to pull away, the more they both tried to get me to stay involved.  Ex's partner even said that if I broke off contact, it would be a "disservice" to her family (they have a young son) and it would crush her partner.  I had no idea what to say or do at this point.  It all was so surreal---why would she want me around?  I never could understand.

I wanted to leave so many times, tried so many times.  Got drawn back in---and I don't say this as if I wasn't responsible for caving as much as I did.  It was so hard to have BOTH of them asking me to stay.  Is that unheard of in a situation like this?  Does it make any sense?  I was torn in all directions, my heart was such a mess.

I wish I could rewind time to when ex was my friend---respected me, and it felt so nice to have her in my life.  She opened up something so profound in  my heart----I loved her, I love her, and I want her to be ok.  I feel no anger, no malice.  I just want her to be happy.  I want her to have a good life.  I want her partner to be happy, to feel fulfilled.   

I want to heal... .I want to survive this... .

Thank you everyone for being here... .always... .

[patientandclear]

OK Sea, what you're saying reveals a lot -- just trust your own instincts and knowledge.

As you know I too have had to repeatedly enforce a boundary with my ex, and yes, it is strangely much harder to have to turn away from them ourselves than if they just stay away. It's as if you have to kill something you love and want very much with your own hands. This is manipulative on the part of our exes. A member here described my ex's equivalent to your ex's "beautiful email," as "a lie." He said these lovely gestures which seem to be awfully close to a statement of commitment or a recognition of what we've asked for -- but aren't -- are meant to confuse us--create an impression that we can hope and trust again, when in fact, no, nothing has changed. I think it's true. That's not OK.

Your ex's partner may be trying to manage the pain by drawing her rival(s) close. Not that unusual.

I'm so sorry for the terrible pain but one of the key points staring out at me from your story is how your efforts at boundaries are just laughed at and blown away. That is NOT a loving act. It is using you.

When I was much younger I met someone I should have stayed and spent the rest of my life with. But I was too young to get so serious and I let him go/pushed him away (it was my most BPD moment ... .). I later realized my mistake and tried to take it back. But meanwhile, the guy asked for space. I'd really hurt him. When I realized I messed up, I made super sure I knew what I was doing so I wouldn't hurt him again. And i would never have broken into his requested time apart while he was trying to heal, before i changed my mind, just because I enjoyed being in touch. I wouldn't have dreamed of it. That kind of "gesture" is not loving; it's really selfish.

[goldylamont]

i agree with patientandclear on this one. your ex doesn't care about you, your health or your boundaries. at all. neither does she care about her LT partner from what i can gather.

a couple other thoughts. you mention:

I feel no anger, no malice.  I just want her to be happy.

well, it's really good to be able to let go of anger, let go of malice. but i think it's unhealthy if you never truly felt a good dose of anger. your anger should rise to protect you and your boundaries. where was anger when she broke your boundaries?

the first thing to realize is that this person is emotionally abusive. another difficult truth (which you are aware of) is that regardless of how beautiful the email may seem, she says the same types of things to all the women she's in a r/s with. i'm sure she makes them all feel 'special', and at this point i bet there's several other women out there who can't get angry enough to tell her to stop. a goal would be to refuse to be another enabler for her to continue doing what she is doing.

I wish I could rewind time to when ex was my friend---respected me, and it felt so nice to have her in my life.  She opened up something so profound in  my heart----I loved her, I love her, and I want her to be ok.  I feel no anger, no malice.  I just want her to be happy.  I want her to have a good life.  I want her partner to be happy, to feel fulfilled.   

i think it's important to accept that none of the above will come true. ever. and i don't want to be blunt, but it's the only way i can think to say it. it's normal to feel this way. i can completely empathize. yet, to heal, you have to realize that we can't go back in time. things change and we have no control. appreciate that she opened up your heart, keep this love and give it to another more deserving. you can't make her be happy or have a good life. and her partner won't ever be fully happy without a serious change in the r/s (spelled confrontation or walking away). but your future can be happy. and your present can become better and better when you release control of these dreams.

I want to heal... .I want to survive this... .

Thank you everyone for being here... .always... .

you will heal! and you will survive! i promise you  you have a kind and heavy heart. we all have to be responsible and make sure we begin to only share our hearts with those that are deserving.

[OutOfEgypt]

I had not yet examined the fact that my guilt was also leaning into self-punishment.  This has been very eye-opening for me.

Well, I wouldn't say the guilt is self-punishment.  The guilt is probably real.  It doesn't need explanation.  It doesn't feel good leaving behind anybody.  I would say the way you handle the guilt (putting yourself down, tormenting yourself) is, rather than just allowing yourself to feel it.  And I would say that your sense of guilt is distorted by fantasy, not reality.  When truth comes into the picture, you will see that though there is a sense of guilt in leaving her behind you are actually doing something good, something you have peace about.  Peace and pain can coexist.

I have felt cruel for what I perceive to be an abandonment.  I think I have also felt cruel because I feel like I am going against my nature in not being available----so much of what I felt valuable for with her was to be there, to be available to her, to be that person who would not fail her.

Yes, I know this very well.  You get a sense of self-worth from being her tool, to put it in blunt terms, at least when it appears to succeed in making her happy for a moment or when you know you are "helping" her in some way.  But that is not a healthy relationship.  Agree?  A healthy relationship does not mean that one person completely gives up their identity in order to server another.  And no matter how much of yourself you give up to be "available" to her, you do realize that it won't ultimately make her love you back in the same way, right?

Facing the grief and loss has been a tremendous, frightening struggle.  So much of my pain is entangled with feeling that I caused this, that I was not worthy, but I know so many people have walked this path of fear and shame before me, and I am learning so much from this board.

I truly believe that much of our "attachment" is to the dream of what we wanted things to be like and what we wanted the BPD person to be like.  In other words, part of the reason we are so struck is because we don't want to give up the dream, face reality, face the feelings associated with stepping into reality, and letting them go.  We insist, somewhere stubbornly inside, that it ought to be a certain way.  We won't accept the simple fact that they are hurting us like crazy with little care about it.  We won't wake up in part because we don't want to.  We prolong our agony because we don't want to face reality.

[sixthsense]

Hi Sea, I'm a Newbie, but I totally feel your pain! I'm struggling mightily with the decision of whether to end my relationship with a BPD or stay entrenched in the dysfunction.

We're advised to cut ties with our BPDs, but it sounds so much easier than it is! You are doing the right thing by staying away... .it's the best thing for your physical and emotional wellbeing, but the pain SUCKS! I feel like an addict! I now know what an aching heart feels like. I now know what yearning feels like. I now know what being emotionally stuck feels like. I understand your pain and I am hopeful that by sharing a little of my story, that I can get the support support I need to end this dysfunction for good. Woman to woman: Let's get stronger together!

Here's the accelerated version of my story: We started carpooling over a year ago and unexpectedly became very attracted to one another. Four days a week over two hours a day of intimate time together. We were very close and the closer we became, the more intense things became. And the more intense things became the more her walls went up and the silent treatment kicked in.

I'm a diehard romantic and I think it's sweet and loving that she sent you a beautiful email albeit more painful for you. I'm new, but I think they call it "validating an attachment". Meaning that she wants to keep you close in case her current relationship doesn't work out.

Unfortunately, my BPD isn't emotionally expressive. She'd throw out a couple of cryptic words and expect me to know what she meant, needed or wanted. Early on when she tried to communicate her feelings and emotions as much as she possibley could, I didn't know about the illness so I didn't know how to respond.

Over the course of our relationship, I've been her friend, confidant, protector, and dirty little secret. I have been very caring, generous, supportive and accommodating.

The last few months, however, we've been in the throes of the silent treatment and it is really painful. I've always been a strong and in control kind of girl, but the inconsistent emotions and behavior--not to mention the silent treatment, have taken a toll emotionally. Especially the silent treatment. Apparently, she has split me black so regardless of what I do, I'm perceived as bad in her eyes. The only thing I'm guilty of is being very nice to her. I'm learning that with the illness, being nice/kind to a BPD or being too close are bad and can be triggers. The closer we get the more she does things to push me away.

Our birthdays were in June and are 11 days apart. Although we were approaching full on silent treatment, I gave her a card, a neck pillow for our long commute and and tix to Disneyland so she could take her nephew. Well, I got NOTHING. She didn't even wish me happy birthday!

Was her deliberate disregard for my birthday, the beginning of splitting? Of course, I was hurt, but I didn't and still haven't said a word about it.

Our commute now consists of half-ass good mornings and goodbyes. When I drive, she sleeps and when she drives, I sleep. I used to try to strike up conversations, but my efforts were met with one and two word replies--so I stopped. So, now I guess you can say that I'm reciprocating the silent treatment.

She doesn't talk to me in the car, but makes calls to friends and her conversations are upbeat and fun.

Funny thing though, when I make a call ot take a call during the commute she becomes very uncomfortable and fidgety. She starts fumbling with her phone as if to see who she can call or text, makes noise, sings, blasts the a/c and has even rolled down a window. Athough I'm as quiet as a church mouse when she's on the phone.

Why the acting out?  Particularly, when we're in silent mode? I've been advised that this is just her being immature.

Anyway, so after reading numerous posts and materials on this site, I've made the decision that I've got to end this as the pain is unbearable. For the first time in my life, I feel my heart breaking. So, I wrote this note that I intend to leave for her as I exit her car tomorrow. The not is short and sweet. I don't say that I need space, I simply say that because of certain behaviors, i.e. silent treatment, etc,  "... .I am quietly removing myself from the situation before things get any uglier than they already are". "... .I am protecting my wellbeing. I left all emotion out of the note.

But now hearing your story, I'm afraid that I am going to feel tremendous pain rather than relief. This pain is off the chain right now which has prompted me to take action. I can't imagine the pain with additional layers of guilt and sympathy. I know I need to end this for my own good. I can't speak for her, but the silence is hurtful and intense for me, although I'd never say so.

Today, I was feeling confident and a bit resentful and ready to end this and I still am ready to put the focus on me again. But maybe it's wishful thinking, but she appeared to be a little off balance today. A little humble? I think my being silent and totally ignoring her may be getting to her. She appeared to be uncomfortable and a bit awkward in the car today. When she exited, she said "thank you" and I said have a good evening. Her response "huh?", was the sweetest and most innocent I've heard her sound in months. I repeated the have a good evening and took off.

Can anyone shed light on her behavior? Is she a little unnerved by my response to her these days? I've been silent for awhile now, but I believe it was a sad silence. Today, it was a very confident silence. A silence that screamed out, "I'm done, stick a fork in me!"

My jaws were tight today as I thought of all the reasons why I needed to end this, the up and down moods, the lies, the disregard for my feelings, deliberately ignoring my birthday, etc. and I felt myself getting stronger and focused.

But I want to make sure that I am making the right decision. I have to be sure that I want it to be over--and I do. I have to make sure that I am emotionally ready for the clean break and the consequences to my emotional health. I don't know how she's going to react to me severing ties completely--but then I don't even know how I'm going to react.

We work for the same company in different departments and there's a strong possibility that we will work on projects together. UGH!

Family, all support and advice is very much appreciated... .thanks for listening!

sixthsense

[sea_of_wounds]

Thank you again, outofegypt, for the continued help with my situation.  Yes, I agree so much that it is tremendously hard to let go of the fantasy---because in the end, that was the the most beautiful, most "real" part---and it's hard to understand how that could not be the overarching atmosphere to the whole connection.  It was there---we saw it and felt it---but it got buried under so many layers of pain and dysfunction.  So painful to sort through the rubble and realise the good got shattered with the bomb blast of all the bad.  That everything is mixed together---and there is no separating the two. 

Goldy, thank you for the direct statements---it helps sometimes to hear things in a blunt way, because so much of the pain is mired in confusion and disillusionment.  It's so challenging right now to see any of her actions as abuse, but when you state it as such, I have to examine it for what it is, for what it did for me, and yes, also face the reality that she could be saying equally beautiful things to other women, all to keep them in her orbit.  I have to face the reality that I am probably just one of many, or a few in her circle of "go to" women.  I don't know.

And I agree that if there are others, they might be stuck like me, unable to get angry enough to walk away.  I have touched on moments of anger, but they have been fleeting, and I return to this deep pain and regret and self-doubt.  Maybe in time, more of my pain will channel into a safe kind of anger that helps me feel some of the injustice of what happened.

Madison, I read your post the other day---I am so glad you responded.  I actually want to take the time to respond to your situation in a private message.  I can relate to your extreme pain, the terrible sense of the impending loss, the total heartbreak of not understanding how something so light, positive, close and warm could turn into something so cold and dismissive seemingly overnight.  But you are right---it seems the more a person is warm, caring and giving to a BPD, the more they feel a need to distance and run.  I noticed this early on with my ex---I didn't realise exactly what was happening then, and I was so shattered and lost.  I remember one time after she kissed my face and gazed into my eyes, I felt compelled to read her a poem I had written about her.  She immediately put all her walls up, and started listing all the reasons why I should not want to be around her.  I was so confused and hurt. 

My ex never gave me the silent treatment, and as far as I know, she never painted me black (unless in private?) so it has made this even harder to understand, and sometimes I worry that I am the disordered one, just "too sensitive"  But there were so many other conflicting and painful episodes that I try to focus on to help me realise how much suffering I was going through.  Even if I just flash back to all the times I had to go to friends, a total shattered mess, I realise something must have been going wrong for me to feel this way---something was tearing me apart---It wasn't all in my head, even if I struggle to believe that to be true.

Deciding to walk away from the pain and abuse takes incredible courage, and yes, the pain of such a choice is immense----it is like what patientandclear said---it's as if we are taking the very thing we love and crushing it with our own bare hands----it doesn't feel right at all---not in the moment, even if logically we know that there is something terribly awry and we must do what we can to salvage ourselves from the destruction.

Because we still care so very much, it is torturous to walk away.  It is so much easier to walk away from someone who didn't touch us on such a deep, soul level.  But these people do.  They open up something in us so profound, so beautiful, so alive.  It was real for us, but for them---I don't know if we can ever know what it was for them.  Their dysfunction rules so much of their behaviours and their emotions.

Yes, the woman you describe sounds very immature--very emotionally stunted.  It is tragic, heartbreaking.  I know how much we want to reach these people, to heal the wounds we perceive are inside of them.  We want to return to that place when we made them laugh and smile and enjoy this life.  It felt good to be a part of that enjoyment and pleasure and delight with them. 

As everyone on here keeps telling me, it is ok to remove yourself from a damaging situation.  It is ok to protect and take care of yourself.  It is ok to heal. 

When you do take that step to walk away, we will all be here for you.  All of us have been through this hell---some of us are in the thick of it, some are slowing finding the way out, some have survived and come through to the other side, and are here to help others who are hurting so terribly.

Please know that your pain and loss are very real---the love and care you felt are very real---and you are making the right choice to step back and tend to your wounds.  You are making the right choice to remove yourself from behaviours that are causing so much turmoil and hurt inside of your heart. 

More to say, but must be off for now.  Thinking of you all, and thanking you all for being here... .

[OutOfEgypt]

Yes, I agree so much that it is tremendously hard to let go of the fantasy---because in the end, that was the the most beautiful, most "real" part

The fantasy was the most real part!  We know deep down it isn't a real relationship.  Such a cruel irony!