Why can they not discuss emotions/feelings

[Depression = 72% of members]

One thing I noted with my ex is that she was never able to discuss or talk about how she felt on an emotional level, it appears that most people on this site are able to write about their emotions regarding break ups ext etc and yet she never could, well, to me anyway.

What reasons would you give to this? A sign of weakness? She simply didn't know how she felt from one minute to the next? When we broke up the first time there was no discussion regarding reasons, no talk re things she was not happy with so they might be resolved. Is this common?

Sure she said she loved me but we all know what that means!

[Ventus2ct]

One thing I noted with my ex is that she was never able to discuss or talk about how she felt on an emotional level, it appears that most people on this site are able to write about their emotions regarding break ups ext etc and yet she never could, well, to me anyway.

What reasons would you give to this? A sign of weakness? She simply didn't know how she felt from one minute to the next? When we broke up the first time there was no discussion regarding reasons, no talk re things she was not happy with so they might be resolved. Is this common?

Sure she said she loved me but we all know what that means!

[Overbeck]

For many Borderlines, their life is about survival. That is why they can cut us off so easily.

Emotions can be weakness to a Borderline. Weakness makes them subject to pain. So they avoid and lash out.

[Blimblam]

Yeah chief I agree.  They avoid situations that cause them to experience shame and the fear or abandonment so they dissasociate from these emotions and project them onto us it is their coping mechanism. Our identification with these projections opens our own core wounds from truama which is pain on a level I never experienced before

[Ventus2ct]

Yes, you and me both BlimBlam, got the T shirt.

I understand the fear of abandonment etc with them and saw this when I did suggest that we broke up, she made an effort then. But when 2 normal people are in a relationship, if one feels at odds with something, then it gets talked about does it not? I never witnessed this in my r/s, if I had the problem it would get spun around 180 and projected back at me, which is now fine as i understand that aspect.

So we go with the "discussing emotions or issues is a sign of weakness" with them?

But she seemingly never had any problems (well to talk about anyway) instead expecting me to mind read.

The longer I am away from this relationship the more things are becoming noticeable regarding some behavior. Not that it matters now but just interested non the less.

[Blimblam]

If it matters to you then it matters.  Shows you have compassion to understand for her and for yourself.  At one point I thought it was evil or whatever.  Now I just see it as her being so far removed from her own feelings that it looks like evil to me because I did not understand before.  Through understanding I gain compassion through compassion I am more able to forgive myself.  That has been much of my own personal healing process. So I can definately relate to wanting to make sense of it

[Blimblam]

What I find interesting is in skips articles he has all this so plainly written out but as time passes my understanding of their behaviors has evolved with my own healing process.  I guess it is part of the path to radical acceptance.

[hergestridge]

Discussions are upsetting to them, especially discussions about their own feelings. When my wife had something to say she often prepared herself too much in advance and had certain expectation on how things would turn out and how people would react. She often decided on where and when to say things. Often it came across as manipulative and "coupe-like". All this to have her way without running the risk of getting a "no" or having to going to into a discussion which would mean she would be exposibg herself.  Thus, when she spoke her mind it was often at same time when she confronted me with something unpleasant and she never got the symapthy she expected or wanted.

Basically, my wife had no interest discussing her feelings with someone unless she was re-negotiating her positions in some way. The conflict is allways present in her relationship to other people, especially to those close to her.

[Vexed]

Yeah, definitely a characteristic of BPD.  My exBPDgf just sits silent when "feelings" talks occur.  Then I do all the talking, and I have to guess what's she's feeling which she hates. 

Happened last night too. She broke up with me a month ago and now isn't asking me to call her, so I did, "hi", me "hi", crickets... .so you wanted me to call you and also drive the convoy?  Obviously I couldn't say that because that would trigger her but yeah.  Annoying.

[Ventus2ct]

Thanks for that all, so would i be right that even to her "girlie" friends feelings and emotions were not talked about also, never being present I don't know. What I did conclude was that actions were talked about, I'm going to do this, do that etc.

When we became lovers again after her abortion, she never discussed her feelings, she stated that "she was glad I was the first one to sleep with her after her trauma" and that was all. Her friend stated that she thought that was the least that I could do for her….!

So as I assumed communication is certainly not a strong point in their make up after of course snaring you via their amazing communication to begin with, this was something I couldn't understand during our relationship at all, but I may add makes sense now. So thanks, another observation/question answered.

Which would bring me onto another question, friends, do BPD people tend to hang out with others of the same sex? It would seem to be plausible but then competition for victims/partners may result?

Only I did notice that her main current friends are all:

9-5 workers, live for Friday night in order to go out and then have no recollection of the night before, spend most of Saturday in bed with a hangover, then spend Saturday afternoon phoning each other up trying to fathom out what they did the night before.

All are single, they do plenty of FWB's with others and they are all on Match.com.

They have no savings, rent, spend all their money on booze and cheap clothes.

Or is the youth of today? All aged 32-36.

[Dutched]

For a person suffering BPD feelings hurt.

A BPD therefore avoid not feelings, but the hurt a feeling causes.

As Marsha Linehan describes:

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90 percent of their body. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement “.

That is compared with a physical painful wound. Touch it, a wound that cannot be touched without causing intense agony. Imagine the pain that you would have to endure. Now imagine the same for an emotional wound.

Not to justify, to explain.

[MommaBear]

Sometimes I think it takes a certain level of emotional maturity to have a discussion about feelings, something pwBPD just don't have.

Can't force maturity, unfortunately. It's something that takes both time and a desire to achieve.

[Overbeck]

As someone who write substantially, I always thought long emails explaining my feelings and love for her would be a good thing.

Time after time, I found she selected words from my emails she deemed insulting to her and used them to be angry with me.

Emotions are rarely ever positive to a Borderline. Talking to them about it is usually a losing proposition.

[MommaBear]

As someone who write substantially, I always thought long emails explaining my feelings and love for her would be a good thing.

Time after time, I found she selected words from my emails she deemed insulting to her and used them to be angry with me.

Emotions are rarely ever positive to a Borderline. Talking to them about it is usually a losing proposition.

Been there, done that. It's bad enough we have to walk on eggshells with them, typing on eggshells had also become one of my skills over the years.

I used to think he had selective memory loss when we discussed past conversations, now I realize that by doing it with emails as well, he just didn't want / have the ability to deal with anything emotional.

[eagle755]

Definitely could never talk about emotions. I would even ask why and all I would get was "I just don't show emotions anymore"

And whenever catching her in a lie, I would get the same line, over and over, it would not fail "why does it matter to you". That was the single most worst thing in the world. Finding her at another guys house, whom she was sleeping with, and for three hours just getting "why's it matter"

Destroys a man

And walking on thin ice constantly, I can definitely agree with. I got to the point where I stayed in my room and played video games to avoid conflict. Which lead to her cheating because I wouldn't pay attention to her, either way I'm sure she would have cheated, attention or not, because our r.s was hitting that BPD end, she was just looking for justification in her head

But at the end, I actually got pretty accustomed to the fighting, and would actually purposely make her angry, then make her laugh about it. I was pretty good with the rollercoaster type deal, and was able to make a BPD person quite happy. Probably why she's still kind of stuck on me, in a way. Maybe not anymore cuz they change their minds so much, but I wouldn't know, staying NC strong

[Vexed]

As someone who write substantially, I always thought long emails explaining my feelings and love for her would be a good thing.

Time after time, I found she selected words from my emails she deemed insulting to her and used them to be angry with me.

Emotions are rarely ever positive to a Borderline. Talking to them about it is usually a losing proposition.

This. Whether emails, or talking, no different.  Always selects the one sentence that wasn't perfectly stated.  And if they are all perfectly stated, she will just twist one of them to put words in your mouht you never said.  FML.

[Ventus2ct]

So very encouraging to hear all this, I thought maybe it was just her or maybe I was just too emotional (although never been a problem before). It's so interesting to see traits occur like this. I can understand now a little more.

I always stated that I would be perfect if I "didn't give a ___" about her, treated her as a glorified FWB, nothing more and nothing less, no emotion, just use her. It's not who I am but from her offers of a FWB instead of a relationship early doors, it would appear that this is what she could well have put up with.

So I also assume (rightly or wrongly) that she may flip to someone like that, the opposite of who I was, or a married man, no commitment, no emotion and a bit of a challenge.?