The Shame Theory, as it relates to NC

[Overbeck]

I can guess when my Borderline alcoholic ex GF is going to break No Contact. It is usually between 2 to 4 weeks. Sometimes she sends an empty text. Sometimes she just lays into me after a multitude of phone calls. And other times she tells me she loves me and misses me.

Once she claimed to have sent me a text meant for someone else. Once she said she just wanted to compliment me on one of my columns (I am a writer). She dips her toe in the pool to check my temperature. I loved her, so I always left the door open.

I know when it is coming. Usually on weekends. And now that I know she has cheated on me for years, I see that the pattern revolved around when the one "host" was absent and she needed to suck life out of me once again.

But that changed June 18th. After denials long and wide that she was not seeing anyone else, I saw her in the car with him. She bowed her head to hide her face. I know the guy. I heard from his daughter, whom I dated (yeah, small town), that it might be a thing.

Confirmed. Empirical. Indisputable.

So now it is close to a month and nothing. I saw her on a few occasions walking. Not close enough to talk---not that I would. She saw me as well.

But no phone calls, emails, texts or stalking incidents where she just "happened" to walk by places she knew I would be near at that particular time. Nothing.

I am not sad for this. I am resolute to get her out of my life and heal. But I know she is not done with me. It is not over. It is never over.

The questions for all of you---and anecdotal evidence is very much welcomed--is this:

After years of lying about being loyal to me, is this period of NC going to last much more past the usual 4 week period because she knows that I know she has lied and cheated?

Is her shame killing her because she knows the same helpless little girl routine is blown up with me irrevocably and forever?

I would be shocked if she was done with me. I hope she is. I am coming to terms with her as a black hole of nothingness. But I think she has one more run in her. And her shame might make it an extreme effort to win me back---maybe a suicidal gesture, or a public confrontation.

Opinions?

[Lion Fire]

The longest my ex has gone without reaching out directly or indirectly is just over 2 weeks. We've been split for 3 months. I have never initiated contact.I've noticed that she starts to contact me on Thursdays. Thursdays were always a bad day for some strange reason when we were together. Show's you how neurotic I was that I painstakingly worked out her patterns and tap danced in the warzone. PMT was 10 days of hysteria and emotional turmoil, her period was a week of hypocondria. The rest was  ceasefire at best towards the end. I was a bag of nerves:)

I'm not certain what it's all about tbh. I personally believe that she hasn't found someone or thing to distract her sufficiently yet. I certainly don't think it's about true love or to make an amend. She's just probing, looking for some supply, probably feeling abandoned and rejected and needing a shot of recognition from me. She isn't going to get it.

I'm sure there is shame. BPD is a shame based disorder. However, I don't think my ex will settle long enough to process, admit and take responsibility for her part so the shame just gets pushed down and forms another layer.

I believe she just wants to know that she can access when she needs to.

 

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Chief - my experience has been repeated attempted recycle attempts (while she is/was with someone else) by phone, texts, requests for seeing meeting etc... .I used to relent to all of them.  Once (like you) I had the hard evidence she was with someone and confronted & she couldn't deny it - although she did - the texts, calls, etc stopped.  Haven't heard a word from her in quite a few weeks ... .not counting any more thank goodness.  I'd say keep NC if she reaches out again.  The last contact I received was after she saw me at the dry cleaners - of all places - I ignored her - I drove off - she called multiple times, then texted multiple times.  The last text was "I guess I should just leave you alone" ... .no response from me was a "yes, leave me alone" to which she is listening.  She of course isn't listening ... .she just realizes she can't get what she wants from em anymore ... .attention, sympathy, the chance to "prove that she is a good person."

Stay clean, Chief!

[Confusedmae]

In my experience, he DID wait longer this time in nearly the same situation as you. We were together 11+ years with numerous recycles. A little  over 3.5 years ago, he announced to me that he was moving to another state, to move in with a friend to help him out. And he hated the weather here.   But we could still be "together." I declined that offer and drove him to another state to meet up with his friend. We were supposed to be there Saturday but he was too upset (crying, didn't want to go, etc.) so we put it off until Sunday.  Sunday rolls around and we put it off until Monday. On Monday, I pretty much made him go, all of his ___ was crammed in my car and he had no apartment anymore. (We did live together most of that time but I had kicked him out about 6 months before this.)

Needleless to say, he gets involved with a psycho married mother of 2, complete with requisite drama, and still wants me to be the third wheel. I decline. We have a heated argument on the phone and he tells me to lose his contact information.  So I did. That was May of 2012.

December of 2012, he sends me a birthday email. I respond with "thank you.i" His birthday rolls around in April of 2013.  I send nothing. But about a month later, I get a gazillion calls from real estate agents wanting to list our house. They asked for him on my cell number. We never owned that house.  We just rented it. It was the last address we occupied together. I never contacted him.

Grapevine informed me he had moved to a different state with a different woman in November of 2013. No birthday email for me. No birthday email for him in April 2014. In May, I get a notification that he's looking at my LinkedIn profile. No response from me. In June, I got a 2 sentence email: Hi Stranger. I hope life is treating you amazing." I responded: Hello, strangest.  Indeed, life is amazing and I hope yours is too.

It's lather, rinse, repeat.  If you let it.

I think no contact drives them crazy.  They wonder what we're up to and I will admit I do get some satisfaction from that. Remembering that this is an illness helps too, as does education, time, and distance. It gives you an opportunity to heal.

Best wishes!

[Ventus2ct]

LionFire, Thursdays…….!  Mine was always pulling some stunt on a Thursday, I commented on it to her many times, I dreaded Thursdays. I suspect it was something to do with the approaching weekend, mine liked to go out on a Friday eve and get pissed/party/flirt.

Fortunately I suspect she has new supply as she has not been in contact at all fortunately!

[Overbeck]

Interesting responses. Thank you.

Tomorrow (Thursday) will be a full month since our last contact. Friday will be when I saw her with him... .and when I believe the "Shame Theory" took root.

The consensus amongst those closest to me (Including my shrink) is that it will be close to August 9th when she contacts me. That is the birthday of new guy's daughter... .whom I am friends with, dated and who has vehemently stated she would not ever accept my ex as a legitimate GF to her father. And it is a Saturday. So yeah.

He will do something with his daughter that weekend and my ex will get drunk and contact me.

The hope is that given my current frame of mind that I will ignore her completely. And that will intensify her shame to an nth degree.

The mission is for us to be completely and forever separate. But I know I have one more "trial" to go thru with her before obtaining that peace.

Waiting.

[MommaBear]

Interesting "Thursday" theory ... .my ex was all about Thursdays as well.

Yeah, she'll contact you. Shame doesn't stop them from needed their fix. Nothing does. If shame worked, we'd have all figured it out by now, wouldn't we?

Brace for impact, buddy. My money's on her breaking NC any day.

[eagle755]

Thursday was the day I caught my ex at the other guys house... hmm...

[Overbeck]

Yeah, she'll contact you. Shame doesn't stop them from needed their fix. Nothing does. If shame worked, we'd have all figured it out by now, wouldn't we?

Brace for impact, buddy. My money's on her breaking NC any day.

The shame she feels now of me knowing she screwed anything that moved for years while being angry with me for (rightly) doubting her might keep her away longer than usual.

I spent most of yesterday trying to convince myself that it is mercifully over. That she will let me go and I can heal from the corrosive damage she tried to do to me.

No luck. She has one run left in her. Everyone who know my situation agrees on that.

It is not over.