Advice / Guidance Please: getting access to my son

[Aussie JJ]

Ok,

I am a bit of a broken record.  I have a plan so to speak with getting more access to my son.  I just want to know how others faired with trying through mediation to get access when they are painted black.  My EX knows she has BPD, knows I know and is in denial / shame about it all. 

I just want to see my son and was wondering what the best way forward is from others experiences.  I have a lawyer lined up but to be honest I just want 50/50 so that I can see my son and she cant keep moving around. 

TY,


Any advice you can give would be appreciated.  Any stories of how you sucsesfully handled tour situation that might assist me would be fantastic. 

[Matt]

Has your ex been diagnosed with BPD (and/or anything else)?  How do you know about that diagnosis?

The reason I am asking is because if you can prove that, it might give you some leverage, depending how things go.  But I am not suggesting that you mention it to her or her lawyer right now.

The law and procedures are different in different places.  I'm in the US, and I think the laws in Australia may be similar, but you need to learn from your lawyer what your options might be.

Mediation is good to try, because it shows you are trying to be reasonable.  If you can document that you suggested mediation, or that you agreed when your ex proposed it, that may help.  But mediation is unlikely to have good results when the other party has BPD.  Go into it with a positive attitude in case it produces something good, but be prepared for it to be a dead end.  But even if it doesn't work, it's probably worth the time, because you will learn what your ex says about you - what arguments she makes - so you can be more prepared for the legal phase.

See if you can file a motion to have a Custody Evaluator appointed by the court.  That's what I did.  The Custody Evaluator was a Ph.D. psychologist who administered objective psych evals - the MMPI-2 test - and that's what allowed him to diagnose my wife.  He recommended 50/50 custody, and in his report he wrote that if 50/50 didn't work I should get majority time with my son.  He also wrote that my wife should get psychotherapy, and that was put in the court order too.  So if we go back to court some time, I can show that she is not following the court order, since she never got therapy.

Getting your ex's problems into the record - not as an accusation you make, but as an objective third-party diagnosis, could help a lot.  We were both evaluated - it's easier to get a motion approved if both parents will be evaluated, because that is "fair" - so be prepared for that - it's not a problem, just take the test and don't worry about it.  (Not many people are perfect but small issues won't have much impact on the case compared with BPD.)

Find out what criteria are used by the courts where you live.  They may be online, or your lawyer should know.  Help your lawyer make a solid case around each of those critiera.  Be prepared to settle if the other side wants to, or keep steadily on til the court hears your case with as much evidence as possible.

[Aussie JJ]

She has acknowledged it to me. 

Also I intend to just come out and say she has BPD, I know she is onto 3rd psycologist.  She mentioned it flippantly on two seperate occasions, I have enough of a record that I can produce with e-mails to show her behaviours along with house mates and I am going to drag her employer into the picture. 

She worked in the psyc department at a uni and had a breakdown infront of a senior lecturer.   Got hospitalised overseas. 

My psycologist and my lawyer say because she is so inteligent to basically just go head on and do a demo job.  Also bring out her FOO issues. 

[Matt]

In the US, that probably wouldn't be the right strategy.

The reason is that you don't have any actual evidence that she has been diagnosed with anything.  So to the judge, it may look like you are calling her crazy without any facts.

There are some things you can do though.  Maybe you can subpoena her medical records (and be prepared for your own to be subpoenad too!).

You might also be able to file a motion asking the court to appoint a custody evaluator - a Ph.D. psychologist who can administer psych evals to both parents.  That's what I did, and it led to my wife being diagnosed with BPD and some other stuff, and then it was on the record.

You might also want to consider having her deposed - questioned by your attorney under oath.  I did that too.  Then your attorney can ask her anything that is relevant, and she has to answer truthfully.  If she lies (my wife made dozens of false statements and accusations) you will have time to find evidence and prove that, which gives her a powerful incentive to come to a good agreement with you.

Don't assume that she will tell the truth about having BPD unless she has to, and don't assume that the court will believe what you say about her behavior.

And finally, don't assume that the court will even care if she has BPD or not.  You will have to prove that a parent's BPD has a big impact on the child.  You can find lots of scholarly research which proves that, but you may have to find an expert witness to get the evidence into the court record.

[ForeverDad]

Our typical wisdom here is that in most cases you can get a better, less unfair decision from a judge than you can from your obstructive ex.  That's why initial attempts at mediation usually fail, it is too soon for the ex to really feel the pressure to settle if a court event or hearing is not looming.

How does your country default for fathers' typical parenting schedules?  Remember that you don't have to give up and default to typical results.  If you don't ask, you won't get but if you do ask and ask for a lot then you might get it or at least some of it.

[Aussie JJ]

To be honest.  I have read so much that for me to remove our son from her even if I could it wouldn't be the right / moral thing to do. 

I know that if he has a stable parent, one he will learn from me.  She is VERY high functioning.  Here the court tends for child's best interests.  I don't want to be like her and try to exclude her from his life.  I want out of everything.

1) lock in some stability with residence / schooling

2) get some real time with my son

I know she cab BS a psyc eval.  Hence just coming out with the accusation.  Force the whole history into the court.  I have no fear in that respect. 

[Matt]

Objective psych evals work differently.  My wife and I took the MMPI-2.  It has three "truth scales" - sets of questions sprinkled through the test which detect very accurately whether you are telling the truth or not.  My ex is very smart and has a legal education, but her results showed she "presented falsely" (that is, lied).  And the test was still able to show she has BPD and some other stuff.

The key is objective testing, not just an interview.  I think many people with BPD can fool even a smart professional, but I don't think they can fool the MMPI-2.

Nobody here has said you should aim to remove all contact between your son and his mother.  The question is, how much contact with her is best?  The answer - if she has BPD or another pscyhological disorder - is probably, "not very much".  But only you can decide what schedule will be best.  Right now, for example, my S16 - when we separated he was 8 - has very little contact with his mom, by his own choice and his mom's - neither of them has much interest in seeing each other, even though he's a great kid.  Legally we have 50/50 but over time she has just lost interest in him - she finds it difficult to deal with him and he doesn't like being around her.  And the psychologist recommended that I let that separation between them happen naturally and not force them to be together more.

It may be similar with your son, once the legal fight dies down - you may find that he does well with you and not so well with his mom.  If you can get an outcome to the legal fight that allows that to happen, that may be best.

[Aussie JJ]

Matt, thankyou for that insight.  I dobt know about psyc tests.  My psycologist tells me not to worry as I don't have issues however I still keep appointing blame on myself. 

I know deep down that if I am their what you have described will happen.  It actually saddens me that.  Really cuts me up as I have parents that have been marries 35 years now and although they have problems they work through them. 

I cant do that with her, it makes me feel like I have failed for her.  How silly is that feeling, really it is quite crazy. 

I am resolved to not fail our son  the effects that exBPD had on me I dont want him to be exposed to. 

[Matt]

It's easiest to get the court to appoint a psychologist to do the testing, if you ask for both parents to be tested.  That is viewed as more "fair", so you don't have to prove the other party has a problem in order to get the testing done.

You could be worried that your own results won't be perfect, and you're probably right.  Mine weren't.  I wasn't diagnosed with any disorder, but the results showed a high risk for addiction, which was a surprise to me.  I asked the psychologist what I should do, and he said "Keep doing what you're doing." - no drugs and not much alcohol, and seeing my counselor regularly.  That issue didn't hurt me at all in the custody case;  in fact, because I was managing it well, it probably helped me.  It showed that I was accepting that I had an issue, and managing it well, in contrast with my wife, who had much bigger issues, and was denying them and not getting any help at all.

If you both take the MMPI-2, and your results show some issue, don't sweat it, just find out what is the recommended path forward and get on that path.  Show that you can and will do the right thing, and if your wife is like most people with BPD she probably won't do the right thing - she'll deny it and blame somebody else, and won't accept the treatment she needs.  The contrast will be clear and will show you are the healthier person.

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmmm,

Is it worth in your opinion reading up on the test before hand or just go in and answer freely?  I have to be honest here, I want to take it to see if I have any issues to work on now that you have said I cant hide from it!  Would make it easier to fix them before hand.   If you take the test is it registered somewhere where others can access it or can you do it confidentially before  hand ?

[Matt]

I'm telling you my experience in one US state;  things may be different there.  Your attorney should know.

Don't try to "study" or prepare for the test.  It's not that kind of test;  you'll do more harm than good trying to get an "A".  Just relax and take it honestly.

The really important "test" is how you deal with imperfect results.

And after all, life is imperfect too... .