Confession time

[KeepOnGoing]

I have to confess that I created a fake email and fake Instagram account so that I can see her account and what she is up to. Maybe it's my secret way of saying ha ha, since you painted me black and blocked me! Silent treatment. No contact for more than two weeks now. I feel like I am getting a little bit better, but then this? Cyber stalking? What is wrong with me? I feel like a horrible, horrible person.

[Take2]

Awe... .Keepongoing... .you aren't a horrible person.   You are working thru a very painful difficult time... .I know many of us (ie me) have done things we aren't proud of in moments of pain and despair.   It isn't where you want to be, it isn't healthy yet... .but it also isn't hurting someone.

Be gentle with yourself.   You see where you are and know you need strength

You will get there.  It takes some of us (again ME) longer than others to give up and stop caring.

You too will make it past this... . 

[Mr Hollande]

I have to confess that I created a fake email and fake Instagram account so that I can see her account and what she is up to. Maybe it's my secret way of saying ha ha, since you painted me black and blocked me! Silent treatment. No contact for more than two weeks now. I feel like I am getting a little bit better, but then this? Cyber stalking? What is wrong with me? I feel like a horrible, horrible person.

If you need to look then look. Satisfy that curiosity if you must. No one here will judge you for it. My only advice is make sure she doesn't get the satisfaction from knowing that you're doing what you're doing. You've been invited to a staring contest and it's important that you are not the one to blink first. Not ever. One day you'll be ready to leave all that to the wind and it'll be a good day. Till then baby steps will do.

[Tausk]

Take it easy and give yourself a break.  We all cyberstalk.  I even cyberstalked my ex's mom who barely uses facebook    

We do it because we've been abandoned and we want to maintain the connection.  We want to believe that what we had was real.  We want to hope that they might see the light and see we were their true loves.  And this might make sense in a "normal" relationship.  But ours was never a relationship.  It was simply an interaction.  Like ships passing in the night.   And although we want to know we were loved by our exes, they don't understand love, only need.  

Cyberstalking just means that you belong on this board.   But cyber stalking and stalking on any level won't help us detach and depersonalize.  

Closure means that we stop all channels of the Disorder to affect us.  Closure is an action.  And we take actions by closing the door and looking at ourselves and our FOO issues.

Stay on the board.  Keep sharing.  You're in the right place.  Nothing you say or do won't be understood here... .cuz we've all done it before  

[Overbeck]

Keep,

I would never criticize you for your actions. But each of us on here owes it to each other to remind you of what your actions can do to you.

You are posting in the "Leaving" forum. You are trying to detach. Sock puppets on social networking sites are poison to your purpose.

I know full well the "pull" you feel to know what is going on. Resist! Ignore! Heal.

When you keep your BPD in your life by checking up on them, you take 273 steps backwards. The "fix" you get lasts for a fleeting moment.

Delete the faux accounts and come on here when the need to obtain information on her overwhelms you.

[patientandclear]

For what it's worth, I think additional facts can sometimes help with the detachment process.  Sometimes not.  I've definitely been through periods when it was essential that I not know what was going on with my ex.  But by and large, getting some information about what he is really up to has actually helped me to detach.

Remember, NC and no information are tools for detachment, not goals in themselves.  If another approach works better for you, that's fine.

Why more information has often helped me:

When I was with my ex, I had a very idealized understanding of who he is and what he does. I made all kinds of assumptions about who he really was based on his mirroring/idealization of me.

It's been helpful to me in letting go (a much longer process than I'd ever imagined) to see him actively being quite different than that idealized picture. Each time he does something that changes my view of him I get a little clearer and it makes it harder to believe his appealing "hooks" when he tries to come back around.

I definitely would have been more susceptible to his extremely skilled custom-built just-for-me overtures had I not had specific information that didn't line up with the picture he was painting for me.

I think we need to know, too, because it just doesn't make sense what's happening. At some point you accept it and then can almost predict it, but until then, the impulse to find out actually seems pretty rational to me.

So ... .I'd go easy on yourself!

[Overbeck]

It's been helpful to me in letting go (a much longer process than I'd ever imagined) to see him actively being quite different than that idealized picture. Each time he does something that changes my view of him I get a little clearer and it makes it harder to believe his appealing "hooks" when he tries to come back around.

I can see the logic in this theory. Certainly having my BPD ex date a man whose daughter I once dated allowed me to obtain information that helped me relieve myself of awful doubts.

He is not a good guy. He feeds my (alcoholic) ex beer and enables her disorder... .at least that is what I know right now.

If I was to continue to fish for information, I might find out things that are highly upsetting. I had a crying spell Sunday morning when I realized this thing with her and him might not have been recent... .but was going on for as long as 3 years. I do not need to know more than I do. Odds are it will hurt much more profoundly than it could help.

It sucks to be on the outside. It is strange to have our exes do familiar things with someone else. But that is good for us... .because it means we can get away and live happier lives. We must break free and never, EVER look back.

Run the other way and avoid giving into the curiosity. That is the safest bet to heal IMO.

[eagle755]

One thing helping me, is completely blocking her from my head and keeping myself occupied 24/7. I used to wake up at 4pm and sleep at 6am, for about 4 years.

Now I wake up at 8 every single day, due to underlying anxiety this has caused me. My life has turned upside down. At first it was so crappy. Now I'm trying to use it as motivation and growth.

From the moment I wake up, I'm doing something productive, instead of playing video games all day, I'm at the beach surfing for hours on end. Its so therapeutic. Then I use my punching bag, spar with my friend, then hit the gym. And usually go to work after.

It helps so much more than you'd know.

Its been two months since I had to leave my BPD ex for cheating on me. At first I went through pure depression, lost 20 pounds. But the quicker you get out of that phase, the better.

But it's hard, no matter how many women I saw, nobody compared to the ""bond"" that me and my ex had. I'm still trying to come to terms to it all being a lie. I still wake up with my heart racing, not rolling over and seeing her there, not having her with me, every night I have a heart pounding dream about her being with me, and us being okay, and then in the dream she'd cheat again.

I hope this helps you somehow, I even stalked her at first. But this is normal, this will also pass.

Were here for ya man

[MommaBear]

I never check his FB account. Hadn't for months, then did once, because I had a gut feeling, and he had public photos of our kid (which we agreed never to do) all over his page.

Of course, I had to tell him to take them down, which meant admitting that I looked on his page. That didn't end well.

But there are times when I just don't care. I can't look, because I know that nothing good will come of it, and that FB is one, GIANT mask. For everyone.

And yes, he changed his image, his hobbies, EVERYTHING to match his new love interest / parasitic host.

I'm already at a point where I never think of his FB page, I don't look at it, and I'm not tempted to. I think it stems more from mental and emotional exhaustion and a low tolerance for all things "him" at this point. You'll get there eventually. It gets easier with time.