What Letting Go Really Means

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In the weeks, months and years after a borderline break-up, we are left reeling from the pain and lack of logic. None of it really makes sense - especially the brutal end. The discard. Up until now I have thought our difficulty in moving on was linked to the fact it didn't make sense: that the punishment did not fit the crime and we were stuck in resentment and confusion.

The lessons we go on to learn about ourselves, our FOO, our likely Codependency, our partner selection process, our triggers are all invaluable and promise to serve us well into the future. But do any of you also have a niggling curiosity about your ex? Why is that? Do you have the same niggling curiosity for other lovers and friends who are no longer in your life? Me neither! LOL

So why do you think these ones can still have a hold on us - even after a couple of years?

Today I unblocked my xBPD briefly on Facebook and had a quick look. I was pleased to learn that I had not looked at his profile since DEC 2012! I felt quite proud of that. And today's peek was out of a dispassionate curiosity and nothing more loaded. I saw his face, shook my head at the unnecessarily cruel ending he decided for us, and sent him all my love. Then I re-blocked!

And it dawned on me... .do we perhaps not fully let go of these people because it would mean closing the door on ever receiving their apology? As decent people of high integrity, do we dwell and not fully let go because we are still living in hope of an explanation? Redemption?

They give us no explanation and no closure, which can keep us stuck for a while. But beyond a certain point, are we the ones who are in fact keeping ourselves stuck by holding out hope of decency?

Despite the lessons we learn and the personal growth we experience in the wake of a borderline break-up,

is a more complete letting go even possible in a situation like this - where we were decimated to our core?

Thoughts?



bb12

[bb12]

In the weeks, months and years after a borderline break-up, we are left reeling from the pain and lack of logic. None of it really makes sense - especially the brutal end. The discard. Up until now I have thought our difficulty in moving on was linked to the fact it didn't make sense: that the punishment did not fit the crime and we were stuck in resentment and confusion.

The lessons we go on to learn about ourselves, our FOO, our likely Codependency, our partner selection process, our triggers are all invaluable and promise to serve us well into the future. But do any of you also have a niggling curiosity about your ex? Why is that? Do you have the same niggling curiosity for other lovers and friends who are no longer in your life? Me neither! LOL

So why do you think these ones can still have a hold on us - even after a couple of years?

Today I unblocked my xBPD briefly on Facebook and had a quick look. I was pleased to learn that I had not looked at his profile since DEC 2012! I felt quite proud of that. And today's peek was out of a dispassionate curiosity and nothing more loaded. I saw his face, shook my head at the unnecessarily cruel ending he decided for us, and sent him all my love. Then I re-blocked!

And it dawned on me... .do we perhaps not fully let go of these people because it would mean closing the door on ever receiving their apology? As decent people of high integrity, do we dwell and not fully let go because we are still living in hope of an explanation? Redemption?

They give us no explanation and no closure, which can keep us stuck for a while. But beyond a certain point, are we the ones who are in fact keeping ourselves stuck by holding out hope of decency?

Despite the lessons we learn and the personal growth we experience in the wake of a borderline break-up,

is a more complete letting go even possible in a situation like this - where we were decimated to our core?

Thoughts?



bb12

[Blimblam]

there is something about the level of rejection we receive from them that ingrains itself in our repressed humiliating shameful memories.  Even once we forget them they remain in those repressed emotions bits and pieces of them expecially if we havnt reached a place of being able to look back forgivingly at the good and the bad.  those memories are trauma and it is held in the body.

I had a BPD ex from over a decade ago I had forgotten about working through repressed emotions brought to the surface by the recent ex I am discovering I held on to memories of her deep inside.

[bb12]

there is something about the level of rejection we receive from them that ingrains itself in our repressed humiliating shameful memories... .they remain in those repressed emotions

Fantastic observation! The bond felt so strong... .it was like I was losing a child or family member. It makes sense that they have come to inhabit our greatest fears and shames

[happylogist]

And it dawned on me... .do we perhaps not fully let go of these people because it would mean closing the door on ever receiving their apology? As decent people of high integrity, do we dwell and not fully let go because we are still living in hope of an explanation? Redemption?

Yes, I still do... .I even contacted him once (yes, I do regret!) to receive the following answer, "There is no explanation and there is no answer, I had no control over my feelings and thoughts during that year".  It did not help... .I still hope to get that apology-explanation-rationalization one day and this is why I even haven't blocked him, though removed from friends and contacts in skype.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've found that as time passes I'm able to look more and more objectively at her and the relationship, and as a result the less and less attractive she gets.  She turned on the mirroring and idealization full-speed at a time when I was lonely and susceptible, a perfect storm of dysfunction, a fantasy I fully bought into, but now I see I never would have gotten together with her in the first place under more level-footed and mature conditions on my part.

But I do have that curiosity you guys mention, interesting to me, and upon digging, it's just the remnants of the fantasy I had created in my head about who she was and what the relationship was, a fantasy that reality never remotely lived up to.  I've noticed I do that in lots of situations, my head will take off and create a situation that feels good, but the farther I go the less that fantasy resembles reality, and it's become important to see things as they really are, be present, relegate the fantasy to hopes of how things could be, a direction, as long as I stay grounded in reality.

The other piece is the confusion of the longing for love with real love, something lingering from my past.  I've found the longing for love, the on-edge, anxious pursuit of something I may not get and don't necessarily feel worthy of, is a buzz, there's lots of energy behind it, and running with it feels like an addiction.  Then there's real love, something I have much less experience with, a slow burn, a comfort, a settling, a sense that it is attainable and sustainable; that's where the the juice of a real relationship is, and the only way that will happen is to stay grounded as I meet new people, keep that fantasy from running the show.

[bb12]

Then there's real love, something I have much less experience with, a slow burn, a comfort, a settling, a sense that it is attainable and sustainable; that's where the the juice of a real relationship is, and the only way that will happen is to stay grounded as I meet new people, keep that fantasy from running the show.

Yep!

And I am soo bad at this bit. I work my arse off at the start and this has become an indicator for me. I need to constantly ground myself and like you said, be sure I am going after the right things and not the thrill of the chase! Look at the facts about them and not my own fantasy version

Bb12

[Rubies]

I'm one of the few here who did not look back with any longing for anything from BPDxh but for him to be out of my life.   Closure from him?  I closed it myself and focused on my own healing and recovery, and learning how not to fall into anything like that again.

I don't understand the need to look back, hang on, continue desiring  what they cannot/will not give you, choosing to be stuck in their suck, or care.   Is it limerence or Stockholm Syndrome?

[seeking balance]

But beyond a certain point, are we the ones who are in fact keeping ourselves stuck by holding out hope of decency?

Despite the lessons we learn and the personal growth we experience in the wake of a borderline break-up,

is a more complete letting go even possible in a situation like this - where we were decimated to our core?

Thoughts?

My experience has been letting go is a process, not an event... .so "more complete" has a connotation of "not enough" to me... .can you help me understand what you mean by this?

That "niggling" you suggest, I really don't have that occur these days.  When I did, it was tied to me having another layer of grief to process when I got real honest with myself. Sad or lonely was at the root.

[Reforming]

I agree with seekingbalance that letting go is a process.

Maybe there are moments of awareness when we suddenly notice a shift in our attitude as we move to detachment.

But letting go happens over time as we gradually accept the nature of our relationship, and ourselves.

It's almost two years since mine ended and I would not claim to be fully detached.

I still think about her at times and I still have occasional fantasies about healing her   but I now I recognise my own rescuing / narcissistic tendencies and try and redirect my focus and energy towards myself. Hard and lonely work  

I do have a much healthier understanding of the real nature of our relationship and much more importantly myself.

I think the longer relationships - mine was almost 16 years - probably add another layer.

For good and ill you've shared a large part of your life with this person and unless you can excise those memories - as in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind (ironically a film about BPD) this person will always be part of you.

I don't want an apology from her and if she offered one what would it mean? What do their words really mean?

I don't think she deliberately harmed me - nor I her

She was / is ill and so was I.

Reforming

[bb12]

My experience has been letting go is a process, not an event... .so "more complete" has a connotation of "not enough" to me... .can you help me understand what you mean by this?



That "niggling" you suggest, I really don't have that occur these days.  When I did, it was tied to me having another layer of grief to process when I got real honest with myself. Sad or lonely was at the root.

Hey SB

Thanks for your comments. You've pretty much nailed it.

The niggling is just as you say; another layer of grief and the confrontation of my lifelong loneliness

More than anything though, I have associated all of that with my xBPD. I can look to him as cause when he probably wasn't.

I have just never taken so long to move on from someone. That being said, I don't think about him much and don't want him back. It's more that I can associate the very awareness of my solitude and singledom with him and I am not sure why. Perhaps his rejection / discard of me was so baffling and intense that it really confirmed some of the worst beliefs I had about myself.

Much of the reading talks of being attracted to the same characteristics of our most abusive parent when selecting a romantic partner... .we are still trying to crack that riddle. For me, the feeling of not having let go completely from my ex, is related to that. The confusion I still feel about the ending is akin to never being able to complete that puzzle. If I chose him because of my FOO and desire to keep trying to understand my abusive parent then in short, I still don't. I never got the answers I was subconsciously seeking and that can feel like hanging on, you know?

bb12

[seeking balance]

It's more that I can associate the very awareness of my solitude and singledom with him and I am not sure why.

Is it possible the reason is because you are aware and not numbing?

In life, everyone has coping mechanisms to pain, sitting in it takes courage, awareness, vulnerability - all of these require strength and faith... .real strength, not artificially generated.  Perhaps you are stronger than you even realize?

If I chose him because of my FOO and desire to keep trying to understand my abusive parent then in short, I still don't. I never got the answers I was subconsciously seeking and that can feel like hanging on, you know?

Why do you have to understand?  Can it be enough for you to accept it, grieve the parts you lost and let go? 

Understanding the disorder didn't help me feel free - I am free because I let go - understanding it gave me the space to feel and grieve.  It was layers of sadness and hurt. 

Lonely is part of the human condition - everyone experiences this from time to time; this too shall pass - all emotions do - radical acceptance.

Not sure if this makes sense to you right now... .but you telling "little you" it is ok to feel lonely and scared, but that it will all be ok - this is how we remove the negative tapes of "I feel lonely, I must be broken" to "I feel lonely, it is ok, everyone feels this way sometimes".  Talk to yourself like you would talk to a small child with those same feelings - this is a tool in healing from the FOO past.

Good job digging deep - keep digging 

[bb12]

Why do you have to understand?  Can it be enough for you to accept it, grieve the parts you lost and let go? 

Great question. Being so rational and meaning no harm, I find defamation and illogical behaviour particularly hard to just let go of.

Understanding the disorder didn't help me feel free - I am free because I let go - understanding it gave me the space to feel and grieve.  It was layers of sadness and hurt. 

Lonely is part of the human condition - everyone experiences this from time to time; this too shall pass - all emotions do - radical acceptance.

I am less lonely than ever before... .but can still feel my social isolation. I have more strength and self-love than at any other time in my life, but can't help but wonder why I have spent so many of my adult years alone (or in bad relationships)

Not sure if this makes sense to you right now... .but you telling "little you" it is ok to feel lonely and scared, but that it will all be ok - this is how we remove the negative tapes of "I feel lonely, I must be broken" to "I feel lonely, it is ok, everyone feels this way sometimes".  Talk to yourself like you would talk to a small child with those same feelings - this is a tool in healing from the FOO past.

This is amazing advice. Almost CBT. I am prone to catastrophizing but feeling lonely should not equate to being broken. For me it always has, but talking to my inner child is a great new technique



Good job digging deep - keep digging 

Thanks again. Your advice is always incredible

BB12

[seeking balance]

I find defamation and illogical behaviour particularly hard to just let go of.

me too

At some point, I accepted "it is what it is" - probably when I decided to stop struggling with understanding... .I mean most of us here probably know more about BPD than many T's, knowledge depersonalizes, but doesn't change it.

I am less lonely than ever before... .but can still feel my social isolation.

What do you mean about social isolation?

I have more strength and self-love than at any other time in my life, but can't help but wonder why I have spent so many of my adult years alone (or in bad relationships)[/b]

We all have a journey and lessons to learn, you are learning yours - if you don't like being alone now, you do have the power to change it in that you can meet new people, open up your world.

This is amazing advice. Almost CBT. I am prone to catastrophizing but feeling lonely should not equate to being broken. For me it always has, but talking to my inner child is a great new technique

Thanks again. Your advice is always incredible

BB12

Glad to share what I have read and learned... .for the record, when I feel lonely I do the same thing - I practice everything I share, it isn't always easy or perfect, but it honestly does get better