are you ready for seeing a therapist ? can you afford it ?

[lemon flower]

hi everyone,

dwelling around this forum has made me realise that many NON's here are seeing a therapist for their own issues, sometimes related to their r/s with a pwBPD sometimes for other personal problems.

to me this seems rather odd, it might be a difference from country to country but where I live people do not easily frequent a therapist or psychologist until they really have severe problems and cannot maintain a "normal" lifestyle, (eg. fail in their job or loose their family)

things are slowly changing but it still remains a taboo, and many people stay isolated, keeping their problems for themselves or their closest family, until the pot boils over and they crash; they get depressed, become alcoholic, or begin to suffer from stress-related diseases such as CVS, fybromyalgia, migraine, etc.

I am allready thinking of seeing a T for many years (not specifically related to the BP's in my life but more a general feeling of beeing stuck in my life and in myself, searching for new perspectives, and the uncomfortable feeling that I'm not socially functioning the way I wish  )

but somehow I never make the final decision to make an appointment:

- at first it was the lack of time: I had a fulltime daytime job and other appointments and a time-absorbing r/s with my BP-partner, so no time or energy left for it.

- since last summer I chose to quit my job and am no longer living together with my ex, but now I don't have the money for seeing a T(at least not for a long time, I'd probably could afford a couple of sessions, but only if I'd economize and skip some other activities or expenses.

- and then there's the problem of finding a suitable T, when I check the internet it's a bit of a jungle to choose a good T and as mentioned above nobody that I know is seeing one except for my ex and my brother but their T's are specialised in alcoholics and live in another town.

- and last but not least: I still feel resistance in myself: I am afraid of this "digging" in myself and being confrontated with some anxieties, frustrations, maybe unhappy memories... .

It seems so much easier to just go on and keep busy with other more important things (eg the problems of my BP-friend and my brother  , or truly important problems like social and environmental disasters in the outside world, or studying and finding a new job to begin with )

and after all I don't feel exactly unhappy, I am moving on, in my own way, and I have allready learned a lot here, so why bother ?

what about you ? did you find it easy to take the step ? is it a common thing where you live ?

was it affordable or did you have to invest a serious amount of money in it ?

[Reforming]

Hi Triss  

Well done for posting.

Even though I grew up in a fairly informed, liberal family there was still a lot stigma about mental health issues in my society so therapy wasn't something that I came to easily or naturally

I had a difficult adolescence and in my mid teens :'( my mother sent me to see a very experienced therapist (also a friend of my parents). After one session he reassured her that I was normal  

Later on, during my late twenties, a couple of close friends started seeing therapists. By the time I began my relationship with my udBPDexgf my attitude was changing.

When she confided in me about her CSA I encouraged her to seek therapy. Frustratingly I was not self aware enough to recognise I needed some help myself.  

Being in a relationship with udBPD exposed a lot of my own issues and when things got really bad I eventually sought help. But it's still taken a long time for me to really confront my own issues.  

Some of the more enlightened posters describe being in a relationship with a BPD as a beautiful gift. Traumatic but a catalyst which can transform us. I think there is truth in that but at times I wish I had the courage and self awareness to start earlier  

If I'm really honest it wasn't until I reached ground zero that I was really willing to try and confront my own ill heath.

But living with someone trapped with their own illness but utterly resistant to getting help pushed me the other way. Even after I started seeing a therapist my ex found excuse after excuse not to go to one. Her pathological resistance to therapy has made me more determined to really sort out my own problems.

It often seems that the people most in need of professional help are the the most resistant to getting it.

But then I wasn't prepared to do something about it until things became very chronic.  

In terms of time, money etc

I could have saved myself a lot of wasted time and money if I had got help earlier. It's a question of priorities.

Finding a good therapist does take work and it can seem daunting

I'd begin by doing some research. Read about different types of therapy.

I would say that I have bias towards evidence based therapy. CBT, Schema, DBT. I also wanted to see therapist who was familiar BPD. And while I recognise that psychodynamic therapy can work for others I also wanted something that had a more defined timeline.

There are some great articles on this site discussing a variety of therapies. There are good online tools which can help you find therapists in your area. There are some very good books available as well - have a look at the recommended reading list on this site.

I think it's a good idea to interview a number of potential therapists before you commit to one. This is a very reasonable request to a potential therapist considering the commitment in time and trust. Ask them about how they work and get a sense whether you would feel comfortable enough to work with them and trust them.

Finally getting therapy can be uncomfortable and painful but it can be immensely liberating.

I felt stuck, not only in my relationship but in my life. I recognise that I have patterns of negative and self destructive behaviour that I couldn't seem to break and that these were having a very negative effect on my life and happiness.

Therapy is not a magic wand, you get back what you put in, with time and effort can really transform yourself.

Good luck and keep posting

(Reforming slowly but faster when he's in therapy)

[free-n-clear]

Where I live people do not easily frequent a therapist or psychologist until they really have severe problems and cannot maintain a "normal" lifestyle (eg. fail in their job or lose their family). Things are slowly changing but it still remains a taboo, and many people stay isolated, keeping their problems for themselves or their closest family, until the pot boils over and they crash; they get depressed, become alcoholic, or begin to suffer from stress-related diseases... .

   Very much the case in Australia, too. There's a mentality that "real men don't cry", and there's a stigma attached to having to see a "shrink". It's also slowly changing for the better - the State and Federal governments are putting some more effort and dollars into mental health issues and there are many not-for-profit organisations running programs.

   Personally, the lack of time/money/suitable T excuses seem to be working so far for me, too.   

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmm Free,

Ill send you some specific advice tonight when I get home.  Im Australian as well and their are ways to get access to resources that suit what you need and also control the costs... .

Ill tell you something, having another person there to assist that Is independant is extreamly helpful. 

[lemon flower]

Some of the more enlightened posters describe being in a relationship with a BPD as a beautiful gift. Traumatic but a catalyst which can transform us. I think there is truth in that but at times I wish I had the courage and self awareness to start earlier  

(Reforming slowly but faster when he's in therapy)

oh yes, if not for my r/ships with 2 pwBPD I'd probably wouldn't have seen a reason for thinking about therapy in the first place, but by now I have the feeling those r/ships aren't even the main isssue anymore, I have been chewing on those for quite a bit now and I don't think a T could tell me much more that I do not allready found out myself 

it's more like a general feeling that I ought to change some patterns in my acting and thinking, mostly needed in other areas of my life like working and career, building a fulfilling social life, expressing myself better... .

I am not unhappy, yet it feels like real joyful happiness, and a good laugh now and then , kind of slipped out of my life little by little ... .

[Reforming]

Hi Triss  

"it's more like a general feeling that I ought to change some patterns in my acting and thinking, mostly needed in other areas of my life like working and career, building a fulfilling social life, expressing myself better... .

I am not unhappy, yet it feels like real joyful happiness, and a good laugh now and then , kind of slipped out of my life little by little …"

I know exactly what you mean. I think that these holes or open wounds either get worse over time or as we get older we are less able to ignore them.

Either way they filter down into almost every area of our lives.

And while I think that self analysis has helped to make me more self aware I recognise that I need a skilled and objective person to help me move forward.

Knowing why why we behave in certain ways is a great first step.

But unless we're taught the skills to change we end up stuck.

I think I'm heading back to schema  

Good luck and thanks for posting

Reforming

[ziniztar]

As long as you keep exploring the excuses, you're not committed to it yet. Which is ok. Change comes in phases and you might not be ready yet. Being honest to yourself is valuable.

I've blamed the system for the difficulty of finding an approriate T, I've blamed the lack of time, I've blamed the costs.

Last week I decided to skip the only (1000 euro) vacation that was planned for later this year.

I realized that 10-11 sessions of therapy would provide me with more rest than any 10 day vacation could ever.

There's still debate on whether the sessions will be covered by insurance but I'm not gonna let that hold me back anymore.

The vacation would be a temporarily relief.

Going to a T willl fundamentally change your future.

It's up to you  .

[Reforming]

Hi Ziniztar

Well done  

I've had that same discussion with myself and made various excuses, money, time, too hard to find a good therapist etc

In the the long term the benefits of good therapy are huge.

Health and happiness are the most precious things in the world and they increase our chances of success every area of our lives.

It's the best investment you can make in your yourself and your future

Reforming

[Surnia]

I am allready thinking of seeing a T for many years (not specifically related to the BP's in my life but more a general feeling of beeing stuck in my life and in myself, searching for new perspectives, and the uncomfortable feeling that I'm not socially functioning the way I wish  )

Than you are ready I would say for a try. In my eyes a general feeling of being stuck in life is a very good reason to see a T.

About your fear of digging: A good T is leading and guiding you so it not feels too much like digging, more exploring and only so far and so deep like you are willing to.

And it depends also which kind of T you choose, for example a behavioral approach is less "digging" orientated than the analytical work.

As somebody who had similar thoughts about some social deficits - its a very important step to go out and see someone. Its more social than try all alone 

my 2 cents.

[lemon flower]

thanks everyone for the replies, they are very much appreciated 

I must admit that I heard similar advises from both my sister and my osteopath, two persons who know me very good and whose advise I do not take for granted

yet in the end it's me who should grab that phone, right

(and you have no idea how much resistment I can feel for a simple object like a phone )

I'll make sure to find a couple of reliable adresses rigth now and I'll call by the end of summer at the latest ,

I really should give this a try!

good luck ziniztar and reforming, you're absolutely right that this "inner voyage" will be much more valuable than a vacation which can only temporarily ease your mind...

[ziniztar]

Thanks. Inner voyage, I like that.

Let's focus a little bit more on your resentment. What did the phone had to do to you to get this type of treatment? can you examine where it comes from?

[Reforming]

Hi Triss,

It's funny how resistant we can be to getting help. I know I was and still am at times.

Though actually when I started going a felt a huge sense of relief

As Surnia has said Behavioural therapies like CBT do not involve digging into your past - something which many of us can find frightening.

But it sounds like you already know what you need to do.

You could wait until the end of the summer.

But the end of the summer will be probably turn into the end of the fall and then after Christmas and so on and so on...

And another year will go by

One thing I've learnt from myself and my ex is that no one can force us to get help if we don't want it.

People might try for a while but pretty soon they recognise that its an exercise in futility.

What ever you choose to do I hope you end up happy and well

Reforming

[ziniztar]

And, building on Reformers post: what are you afraid to find once you would start digging?

(hint: it probably are exactly those beliefs you do not wish to be altered that are at the core of your issues right now. I was afraid to go into therapy as I knew deep down it would mean I would have to pull down the inner statue I've made for my father. I was afraid to hear his somewhat off pareting would be the reason for all my existing patterns. I was afraid to ressent him for it. Guess what. The fact I don't want to or even can't resent him for it is my main issue )

[lemon flower]

 

Let's focus a little bit more on your resentment. What did the phone had to do to you to get this type of treatment? can you examine where it comes from?

very good question, it could be something to do with not wanting to disturb people (you never know if you don't call them while they're sleeping, eating, watching the news, having a fight,... .) and if it is to call to people you don't know (eg a new therapist) it could be about that first introduction you have to do, if it is about calling to official instances it is probably because those are usually unpleasant calls (a complaint, a problem, something technical, something about money,... .)

I guess there are many reasons, but in general I just don't really like phone calls, not even to my friends or family, I would never spontaneously pick up the phone just to chat a little , if I call, it should have a purpouse !

on the other hand I never bother when someone calls me, once I'm in the conversation i can enjoy it and have a good talk.

And, building on Reformers post: what are you afraid to find once you would start digging?

I'm afraid of unpleasant memories from my childhood, or having to examine the r/s with my parents... .

probably a fear that the T would advise me to go and talk to them (my dad is dead allrady but my mom is still alive and I have a good r/s with her, though a little distant)

[Reforming]

Hi Triss,

If you ring a therapist or email them during working hours you're unlikely to disturb them doing something else. They're at work and part of their work is to take calls from prospective clients.

You could also email them which you might find easier. Perhaps if you email explaining your concerns they might be able respond in a way that you'll find reassuring.

A therapist cannot force you do anything that you don't want to do and I would not assume that they will suggest that you should discuss painful issues with your mother. Mine never has. Perhaps you jumping forward and imagining worst case scenarios. You could try focussing on the first step and try and let go of the outcome.

Good luck

Reforming

[ziniztar]

I'm afraid of unpleasant memories from my childhood

Supressing them (over the long run) takes more energy and also causes a lot of pain, you're just not directly aware of it. Facing them means some work and discomfort - but a lot of freedom afterward.

or having to examine the r/s with my parents... .

probably a fear that the T would advise me to go and talk to them (my dad is dead allrady but my mom is still alive and I have a good r/s with her, though a little distant)

As Reforming said, a good T will never push you do to anything. What they will probably teach you is to not need your parents view on this - you can find the peace and acceptance you're looking for in yourself. There are perfect ways of healing without having to discuss them with the others.

You say you're afraid of these things and they're keeping you away from making the first call.

In that case I have a question for you. Do you think fear is a good motive to drive your actions?

[fromheeltoheal]

I've always thought the best therapy is people we are close to, people we are accepted by as we are, people it's safe to be vulnerable with, people who care about us and are affected when we aren't doing well, and vice versa.

That said, there are times when the people in our lives are not helping, even though they're trying, because the relationship is such that they aren't giving us what we need or they just don't understand, whatever.  At times like that it can be very beneficial to have someone to talk to who is detached from our lives, more objective, and trained to help.

All therapists are not equal though, they may have different areas of focus, and we just 'fit' better with some than with others.  It's OK to start seeing someone and then decide to end the relationship and start with someone else, although there can be a feeling of spinning your wheels, spending money, and not getting any help that way, but when you do find someone you click with, it is relieving.

Another important aspect is clearly defining goals going in.  I know people who have been in therapy for over a decade (!), and nothing really seems to change; I get the feeling they're just going to have someone listen to them talk about themselves, even if they have to pay them.  But good therapy should be relatively short term and goal oriented, so you can get in, get the work done, and move on with your life.  That mindset will also cause you to push a little harder when you go, since change is scary, change can be painful, but the right change can be very beneficial.

[Reforming]

"But good therapy should be relatively short term and goal oriented, so you can get in, get the work done, and move on with your life.  That mindset will also cause you to push a little harder when you go, since change is scary, change can be painful, but the right change can be very beneficial."

I think heeltoheal is absolutely right. With the right therapist and therapy you can accomplish a lot in a comparatively short space of time. It definitely helps if you have a clear goals when you start but even if you don't you can define this pretty quickly with the right T.

As JFK said you've nothing to fear but fear itself and it really is amazing how much lighter your soul feels when you just start getting help

Reforming

[Tausk]

I've found good ones and some who are pure destructive evil. Be careful, a ton of therapist are people with their own Disorders.  

My advice, find one who is really healthy in their personal life and can detach from your issues.  :)on't get angry women, or fat men... .or resentful feeders on personal destruction. 

But whether you find one or don't, ... .the key factor is HOW:  honesty, open mindedness, and willingness.

There have been many studies on the Placebo effect of therapy.  This can be described as simply having the HOW to bring one's self into seeing a therapist can be the stimulus for positive change.  One way of looking at this is when we are ready to see a therapist is when we are ready to change.  And we are not able to change if we are not ready to change.

But also remember, that for dealing with the interaction of having someone close to us with BPD, the therapeutic benefit of one person on this board, who truly understand our personal insanity with the Disorder, is without measure.  That's why I'm so grateful to be here.

Nonetheless, seeing a T can help.  I've a got a good one who I check in with once in a while when I'm overwhelmed and want to work on specific issues. I have a very high pressured job.  I told my T that my job has a great deal of responsibility but very little actual power.  My T responded, "It sounds like your childhood.  Your relationship with your ex.  Your relationship with your FOO. Why do you find yourself gravitating to that space?"

Profound insight that I never realized before.  

[Aussie JJ]

I have to say my psycologist has guided me through a lot.  He has explained so many things and used my words as examples. 

A big thing was counter transferance.  Explaining why I got so worked up as constantly being around the BPD dynamic I had taken on that all or nothing approach to conflict.  I had been on the nothing end for so long that I wanted it all!  Very unhealthy with 2 people trying to get the upper hand. 

The most powerful thing he has guided me through is my own feelings towards my BPD ex.  He allowed me to open up to her and also accept her issues as a part of who she is, also stopped me from blaming her for everything.  I have no control over my issues unless I work on them she has a lot of work to do as well.  Accept it for what it is and accept I can only work on myself. 

I agree having a well grounded T or P is important.  I asked mine some stage early on very bluntly after reading on here that all T's or P's had their own issues, they are all broken to a degree themselves.  He agreed with me and explained those that often cant help themselves try to help others.  Then explained some of his traits and motivations for working in 2 specific fields.  I sat on it for 60 seconds and said, so when you said XYZ that was this trait?  He laughed and said yes exactly, then explained how all traits are present at some stage or to a certain degree in everybody. 

Its being aware of your self and getting that knowledge of yourself that is so, painful?  Maybe not painful however its certainly hard to get off cruise control mode. 

[lemon flower]

so I did it, I mailed a therapist in my town to ask for a consulting appointment... .

I chose a female T that I recently heard talking about BPD in a workshop. she seemed very experienced and works also with family of pwBPD.

as my r/ships with pwbPD have been of great importance in my life (and still are) I might as well start with that story 

I'll make sure that I have pointed out for myself which areas in my life need change and what fears might block me in my daily life.

that will probably make it easier to check if she can offer me an appropriate therapy :-)

[Reforming]

Well done for making contact. She sounds like a great choice

Reforming

[Surnia]

Great news, triss!  

How are you feeling right now?

[lemon flower]

Great news, triss!  

How are you feeling right now?

I think I am merely curious, and it's a satifying feeling that a date has been picked, now I can adjust myself to the idea :-)

[Surnia]

 

Being curious is a great approach to life.