I forgive myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I forgive myself for :

-not having the knowledge and never been close to pwBPD before

-ignoring the red flags during flirting: there were plenty

-thinking i was falling in love with a woman with a beautiful heart and soul: who understood and wanted me

-dropping my guards and hoping love was finally at my doorstep: i never felt more alive before

-giving her my full attention/care/love/support/body: and expecting the same back



I forgive myself for:

-accepting her confusion right after we started a relationship

-not standing up for myself

-thinking she was worthed putting all my energy in when there was nothing left for myself anymore

-thinking love will grow, love is good and bad times, love is love for eachother and realizing i was given it all and nothing came back or at a very low level

-Always seeing the good in people and pushing away their bad sides

-for being naive and torturing myself more by trying a friendship and hoping i would get some closure/answers/even more questions

I forgive myself for all that and even more.

I've changed and gained a lot of human knowledge by this experience. Suddenly people with these treats are much more clear and identified more easily. Not everyone is pure and empathic.

Lost my spontanity. My walls are much more thick then they already were before.

But sooner or later i will fall for someone else and build up a healthy relationship full of all values which i've missed and which i realized are my bounderies to defend. When giving it another chance in the future i wont forget my brain and guts and intuition and all the skills which i had to learn by this horrible experience.

Take care for yourself everyone!

[icecream]

I forgive myself for :

-not having the knowledge and never been close to pwBPD before

-ignoring the red flags during flirting: there were plenty

-thinking i was falling in love with a woman with a beautiful heart and soul: who understood and wanted me

-dropping my guards and hoping love was finally at my doorstep: i never felt more alive before

-giving her my full attention/care/love/support/body: and expecting the same back



I forgive myself for:

-accepting her confusion right after we started a relationship

-not standing up for myself

-thinking she was worthed putting all my energy in when there was nothing left for myself anymore

-thinking love will grow, love is good and bad times, love is love for eachother and realizing i was given it all and nothing came back or at a very low level

-Always seeing the good in people and pushing away their bad sides

-for being naive and torturing myself more by trying a friendship and hoping i would get some closure/answers/even more questions

I forgive myself for all that and even more.

I've changed and gained a lot of human knowledge by this experience. Suddenly people with these treats are much more clear and identified more easily. Not everyone is pure and empathic.

Lost my spontanity. My walls are much more thick then they already were before.

But sooner or later i will fall for someone else and build up a healthy relationship full of all values which i've missed and which i realized are my bounderies to defend. When giving it another chance in the future i wont forget my brain and guts and intuition and all the skills which i had to learn by this horrible experience.

Take care for yourself everyone!

[Overbeck]

Icecream,

I could have just as easily posted this myself verbatim.

Borderlines rarely change. We change. We all need to change back. Healing and a positive outlook purges the self-loathing from our soul and helps us all move on. And our BPD exes are not a part of future.

Thank you.

[icecream]

chiefsalsa,

Yes, we needed to change eventhou we were good people before.

Its a huge process and something like a speedcourse through mud and looking for ground to stand on.

Thank you for your support and hope you and all people here who struggle, who take one day at the time to try to survive and heal themselfs,... .

The ground gets more stable and one day stable enough shine on like never before!

Thank you to this board and the people who give many answers and insights.   

[eagle755]

Couldn't have said this better than myself. Such beautiful truth. Perfectly spot on.

[thesculptor]

yes, thank you for your post. i needed to read that. ...

ill share this with you... .

I meditate now... and in researching stuff for her and us...

i found a book called boundaries,

the book went into healthy dating. .

i also found issues within myself and how i attracted her in the first place. i saw how i was not solid in my relationship with myself. ... and for that i am thankful.

these are deep truths,... .that i would likely not have been ready to face, had i not failed so badly with her. see i was doing my best i thought. so i searched and searched till i found a solid reason as to what occurred.

see here is the missing piece for me... .

she needed a dancing partner, ... .and i was and always was the leader.

she only seemingly was the core issue. it was me... who allowed it... .it was me who didn't know myself ...

yes she has the same issues. but she needed me to get to that level.

so...

i take responsibility for my errors as well... and just like your post says...

I forgive myself now.

in the end... believe it or not... .i guess shes a friend and dance partner.

a bringer of light ... in the darkest method possible.

a catalyst for change and in that... i love her truly in such a big way. does this mean i will get back with her.

no it does not. the issues are real. the pain is real. and ...

she can be a friend. she doesn't have to be my girlfriend...

but at least it can be that simple. it can be that ... .easy to digest. we just aren't getting married. shes a good friend that really helped bring to the surface the problems wrong in the both of us.

now to enjoy the day... .and enjoy the future and look at the past damage for the good it can bring... and just ... keep on going. you know?

-Jacob

ps. no we are not talking... but we are " friends" and thats a powerful position as far as i know... .see... every time i tried to push her out of my life hard. she would push to get back in harder.

so now... she knows where i stand. she knows we are over. and ... we are just living life one day at a time. thats the most any of can do.

im hungry.

[Caredverymuch]

I forgive myself for :

-not having the knowledge and never been close to pwBPD before

-ignoring the red flags during flirting: there were plenty

-thinking i was falling in love with a woman with a beautiful heart and soul: who understood and wanted me

-dropping my guards and hoping love was finally at my doorstep: i never felt more alive before

-giving her my full attention/care/love/support/body: and expecting the same back



I forgive myself for:

-accepting her confusion right after we started a relationship

-not standing up for myself

-thinking she was worthed putting all my energy in when there was nothing left for myself anymore

-thinking love will grow, love is good and bad times, love is love for eachother and realizing i was given it all and nothing came back or at a very low level

-Always seeing the good in people and pushing away their bad sides

-for being naive and torturing myself more by trying a friendship and hoping i would get some closure/answers/even more questions

I forgive myself for all that and even more.

I've changed and gained a lot of human knowledge by this experience. Suddenly people with these treats are much more clear and identified more easily. Not everyone is pure and empathic.

Lost my spontanity. My walls are much more thick then they already were before.

But sooner or later i will fall for someone else and build up a healthy relationship full of all values which i've missed and which i realized are my bounderies to defend. When giving it another chance in the future i wont forget my brain and guts and intuition and all the skills which i had to learn by this horrible experience.

Take care for yourself everyone!

Ice cream, what an inspiring post. Forgiveness is what its all about. We learn and eventually accept this is a  d/o.  Through empathy we forgive our ex's and we forgive ourselves if we need to.  We begin to understand our core issues and so much more.  Then about boundaries.  Our boundaries we use in detaching are about protecting ourselves so we can fully heal.  And in moving forward we can more easily retain those boundaries which will preserve our self love.  And out of heartache, with great understanding and forgiveness, comes a new and much better life.  Thank you for sharing. 

[thesculptor]

cared very much, I love what you wrote as well.

thats how I feel .

like what you said.

examining my core issues was a big step for me. huge. .

and in seeing i had my issues, i was able to forgive her too.

I do think she pushed it way to far... but you know... ok... .I'm going to forgive. so i can free myself from that weight.

-Jacob

[Caredverymuch]

cared very much, I love what you wrote as well.

thats how I feel .

like what you said.

examining my core issues was a big step for me. huge. .

and in seeing i had my issues, i was able to forgive her too.

I do think she pushed it way to far... but you know... ok... .I'm going to forgive. so i can free myself from that weight.

-Jacob

Sculptor, I so agree and your post is so inspiring. Yes, so many of us endured a tremendously big overwhelming devastating life changing experience in our r/s with a pBPD.  I can say with certainly, my interaction was likely the most beautiful and subsequently the most traumatizing event of my life. But its over.  And I want to move forward a better more whole erson as a result.  So I have chosen forgiveness.

To forgive does not mean you forget or excuse.  For me, it simply means I accept that I loved someone very, very much who has a very serious d/o.  And despite all that the d/o imploded on my being, I have learned more about me as a result.  My love was as genuine as everyone's here.  And I realize love cannot cure or change anyone.  So I forgive and I hope my expBPD one day might undoubtably know two things: 1) inner peace 2) and disorder or not, I truly loved him just for being born. I always will. 

I feel upon this quote recently which surmises how I feel:

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

I chose moving forward.

[Artisan]

We cannot change back. The influence has happened. We can only change forward, wiser.

[icecream]

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

I chose moving forward.



Exactly, thats what i've realized too and thank you for that wisdom.

Personally i'm just done with the fact to analyze my ex, to try to understand her, to torture myself in her disorder and the fact she would never give me closure or answers is not going to change today or the next.

I've accepted i wasnt or am perfect and i forgive myself for all my flaws, hopes, dreams, fantasies, and faillures with and about her.

I'm not saying i'm "forgiving her" for all what happend, done to me or for her disorder. It doesnt matter anymore and any attempt from her side to reach out for a close connection again is not needed. No need to argue, discussions, explanations, it never was enough and it will never be enough. Accept it family and a heavy load can be dropped of your shoulders.

[thesculptor]

cared very much,  You know... I really like how you said you hope he gets.

1. inner peace and that

2. you loved him very much... .


let me share something... in the relationship before this one...

I feel I was somewhat borderline personality disorder.

not to these crazy exerts. but to the extent, that i wanted closeness and also wanted my space... .its like a paradox, after i broke it off with a girlfriend i had... before the one with BPD, she said.

" I want you to be happy, your not happy, i hope you find peace, i can't give it to you. "

it was a bit mind blowing. here i am... after this crazy devastation, now meditating, now focusing on finding inner peace, and relying on inner joy to make me happy. so i think its possible for your person to find it.

on the bright side, my appetite for women is coming back slowly ... which i see as a positive sign... its like for almost 2 years... .ive only thought of her... just her... i was loyal to just her... today. i said... hey shes cute, shes sexy... and i feel like ... I'm not going to take action because i want to be happy unto myself... but at least I'm wanting to get over her.

so thats a plus. and ... you know... i hope me and the girl with BPD, can at least be like buddies one day... just like 2 people that can laugh about this.

[half-life]

Thank you for the wonderful post.  I too have faith that you will fall for someone sooner or later and build a healthy relationship 

[Tolou]

Ice Cream,

your post is deep and it good that you can forgive yourself some people never get there and others take a very long time, it's what makes us different.

Part of growing, is learning, and unfortunately, when we hurt, then recover, there is growth, in many different ways.  Good luck to you moving forward and keep posting!

[icecream]

Thank you all for your replies and keep posting, write it off... .

We are the adults, we need to be realistic.

When fantasies about my ex pop-up or when i have a situation were i start dreaming about us both like we could have done this and that... .you know daydreaming, i force myself and say in my mind something like; "no, we dont have the same values and would only make eachother unhappy, i dont choose a life like that i want something else"... .its simple but i keep reminding myself to say that in my mind. Because it is the way it is and i would only waiste time to create more fantasies about her.

She choose to dump me, she choose to treat me disrespectfull, she choose not to give me closure, she choose to show the world how happy she is with her new partner and she expects from a distant ex and safetynet like me to like her posts well... .BPD or not, i dont care i choose not to accept this mess anymore.

I choose for myself its the only option i can be sure of and the only person who deserves it is myself and thats were all the focus needs to be.

Thank you all for being here and helping eachother as caring humans do, it means so much