Do I give up the fight?

[reluctanthusband]

Should I give up the spiel about me fighting for our marriage until my last breath?    It seems as the honorable christian male banner I have tried to fly for so long to convince myself there is hope is waning on me. So had an absolute blowout last night.  I had decided that I was not going to go straight home because she had been stressing me out.  I don't ever take any "Me Time" because I am a self sacrificer for the family.  My only one hobby I enjoy is growing vegetables in my garden for the family.  Yes it gets held against me ALL THE TIME!  So I went out to grab some food and go see a movie.  I gave her the option of me coming home and forgetting that our argument didn’t exist.  The argument on the way home from work was about me not giving her the name to my fictitious nonexistent lawyer!  I was a mile away from home when she said "I guess it is nice that you get to go out and do whatever you want" and hung up(She has a car and can leave any time she wants)so I did.  I really enjoyed the movie and the food.  But had such anxiety on the way home I almost started to cry. 

Well I got home she was silent to me but was making a bunch of noise cleaning on purpose.  I laid  there watching tv and fiddling on my phone.  She said she was leaving I said ok.  Started going on about how can a husband that says he loves his wife do XYZ blah blah blah(All Projection garbage)  I say im not going to live my life being her emotional caretaker.  She said fine find somebody to watch the kids tomorrow and call your work.  I said go ahead and leave, you better be back for me to get to work. She leaves and then comes back 20 min later to "Pack her bags"  Totally expected it and is par for the course.  This is where she starts to turn the screws.  Go get a room in the Barraks(I'm a Marine) I say no I have done nothing wrong... .She proceeds to tell me everything I have done wrong.  At this point I'm fuming I am really tired of being told everything is my fault.  I loose it and tell her how most everything is her fault because of her crazy reality where her feelings only matter.  I tell her that if she leaves its over I'm tired of trying to lead an unleadable wife(one of her chief complaints Im not the leader).  I am thinking there is only a few options I have at this point in our marriage (almost 14 years & 3 kids)

1.  Keep at it with the therapy where I am told to let go of the past to make future progress(Change me) while she still does not let go and make any real progress.  She still has unreasonable agruments and still brings up old stuff to validate her "Feelings".  Still acts like a hypocrite and says everything is my fault.  Agrees to make changes but doesn't because she gets to act that way.

2.  Tell her Im tired of fighting and it is not healthy for the kids and its not healthy for me.  File for separation with plans on divorce if it doesn’t scare her straight.

3. File for separation going to divorce no stopping.

All of these options suck  I wont lie.  I have done everything but 2 & 3.  I am hoping that because separation is the only thing I haven’t tried it might work, but part of me thinks it will only feed the victim in her and she will go full tilt crazy.  Im bound to get the crazy tornado any ways.  My feeling is might as well get it over with.  Im a male in California the deck is already stacked against me.  She has orchestrated this perfectly to trap me.  She freaking owns me for life now.  Half of pention, alimony for at least 10 years,  child support and a bonus of parental alienation.  Almost guaranteed false accusations.  I don’t know I have been in a really bad place lately and I don’t see much light at the end of the tunnel.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilHurt420]

I struggle with next step options also.  I don't know when you really call it quits or keep going when everything they do is about them and not us at all.  I've been letting go of the past and trying to make future progress our entire relationship, however my uBPDh is allowed to harbor any little thing I've done wrong for as long as he wants to rationalize his crazy behavior at any moment.

I understand your pain.  Over the weekend I took our son to the beach with my cousin and her kids then stayed at my cousins for a while when we returned.  It felt so nice to be out away from my husband and not worry about him and not have him nagging me (he was giving me the silent treatment for being mad HE didn't come home the night before that).  The entire ride home I cried while my son slept peacefully in the back seat.  I cried for what my life has turned into because of the craziness I have been dragged into and I cried for having to return home to deal with the craziness.

This is no way to live.

[maxsterling]

wow, reluctanthusband.  I can relate.  So very similar to the "arguments" I have been in.  I put "arguments" in quotes, because they seem to be an argument on her end, but most of the time I can't figure out what we are arguing about (such as the name of a non-existent lawyer).  BTW, do you have any idea where she got that idea in her head?  Similar has happened to me, where she goes from calm to level 10 rage because I did not validate something she said because it made so little sense I did not know how to reply.  And the lack of free time or hobby time is the life I have right now, and when I do have time, she will have some kind of comment to try and make me feel guilty about it.  She will also tell me about how I have all this freedom, but she sacrificed so much to be with me. 

I can't say when to call it quits, but occasionally I feel so overwhelmed I feel this is the only option.  What helps is to create some space so that my raw emotions can calm enough to think rationally.  And then I remind myself that this is in my control, and once I remember that I do have the option of ending things if I want, then I feel better.  I think it is the feeling that my happiness is dependent on her mood, or that the fate of the relationship is dependent on her that causes me the chaos.  I think that is the key whether you ultimately stay or leave, is to feel in a position that you have that option.

[empath]

It seems to me that the whole leading thing causes you stress and aggravation. A leader is not a leader without a follower, someone who is willing to follow. One of the things that gets me about some christian women is that they 'say' that they want their husbands to lead, but they won't follow. I get the husband version of this -- you aren't submissive/obedient. Your walk with God is not dependent on whether your wife responds appropriately, as long as you have acted in love (whether she 'feels' the love or not), you aren't the problem. Your job is not to 'make' your wife behave properly, that's God's job. 

In some of my worst arguments, I have been told to leave as well, but I will not do that. My uBPDh has threatened numerous times which would be disastrous for him personally and emotionally, he doesn't want to 'do the thing that was done to him'. (his previous gfs broke up with him) My thought is that it is his problem if he decides to leave.

[takingandsending]

I feel for you in such a hard situation. You will still be dealing with your SO whether or not you stay or leave. It leaves us with the work of setting boundaries and self-care, and only we can do that for ourselves. I wish it were easier.

I too get the how lucky I am to work and have so much freedom from uBPDw who could never hold down a job without quitting or getting fired. Until the emotional arousal comes down, those boundaries seem to be all that we can rely on.

[waverider]

Desire for a 'leader" is part of the push/pull dynamics which are at the core of BPD. "Lead and tell me what to do/dont control me and tell me what to do".;

It is very hard to "lead" a pwBPD as they dont take directions very well. They are motivated by impulse & neediness, not by obligation and responsibility.

The only person you need to "lead" is yourself. If she wants to jog on the spot and spin around in circles getting dizzy while you go for a run and enjoy the fresh air, then so be it.

Dont allow your religious belief's delude you into playing martyr (in your mind) but in reality you are just being an enabler for her need to project blame/anger/frustration/general chaos on to you. She uses conflict as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Removing conflict is the priority, this needs to be done by non participation rather than compliance. Compliance eats you up, non participation validates your own sanity.

Unfortunately cutting and running often brings the drama on your tail. Dealing with how to cope with it first will reduce its toll whether while you are in it or eventually leave it.

Should I give up the spiel about me fighting for our marriage until my last breath?    

Fight for your own sanity and space in your own world, rather than the marriage. The survival of the marriage may be a by product, or it may not, that is not always yours alone to decide or control

[flowerpath]

":)o I give up the fight?" is a very good question.  To always be on your toes, always be the caretaker, always trying to figure out the feeling/meaning behind what is said so you don't light that fuse, always keeping an eye on your boundary, and feeling ":)o I really and truly want the spend the rest of what is left of my life this way?"  "Can I really do this without resentment?"   I have backed so far away because of all of the emotional digs, the yelling, the cursing, the smashing/throwing/breaking things, the frightening road rage, the financial irresponsibility, leaving most everything for me to take care of, and spazzing out when there is a major decision that needs to be made?"   And then I think, "Am I being selfish? Can't I just have a serving and more caring spirit?  Can I just leave someone for whom some of this is not intentional, but a skewed thought process?"  Peace in my life.  The thought of that is truly wonderful. 

[waverider]

":)o I give up the fight?" is a very good question.  To always be on your toes, always be the caretaker, always trying to figure out the feeling/meaning behind what is said so you don't light that fuse, always keeping an eye on your boundary, and feeling ":)o I really and truly want the spend the rest of what is left of my life this way?"  "Can I really do this without resentment?"   I have backed so far away because of all of the emotional digs, the yelling, the cursing, the smashing/throwing/breaking things, the frightening road rage, the financial irresponsibility, leaving most everything for me to take care of, and spazzing out when there is a major decision that needs to be made?"

You are asking yourself if you can walk on eggshells more effectively

   And then I think, "Am I being selfish? Can't I just have a serving and more caring spirit?  Can I just leave someone for whom some of this is not intentional, but a skewed thought process?"  Peace in my life.  The thought of that is truly wonderful. 

You are balancing serve vs leave.

Learning to protect yourself from the disorder will resolve many of these questions for you

[Lilibeth]

You know, this is so true, what Waverider said - 'Fight for your own sanity and space in your own world' and 'Learning to protect yourself from the disorder will resolve many of these questions.' These are very difficult to do - and i'm speaking from experience. I was totally broken when i came here... .am still in the healing myself process - but besides the validation and the boundaries, you have to force yourself to fight for your own sanity, and learn how to protect yourself. I think in living with a pwBPD, we get caught up in a manage-their-off-moods+our-guilt-feelings kind of cycle. It's very hard to get rid of the guilt feelings, but it is imperative because it frees up the mind to deal with the other issues. It does seem as if everything is against you, but if you step back, you will see that, in fact, you have not been paying enough attention to yourself. It is not selfish to heal yourself first... .

Sending everyone here lots of love and positive energies

Lilibeth

[george2]

Reading the posts on the board tonight is exactly what I needed.  It is so comforting to know I am not the only one that deals with this crazy life.  Tonight, I cried as I thought about how insane my life is at times.  I am so weary dealing with my DBPDw's emotional machine gun.  The only thing that keeps my in the fight most of the time is my children.  I cannot even fathom the thought of giving up time with them, and not being there to balance out the chaos of their mother.  The negative of that is that when she threatens to leave me or kick me out (all too often), I am paralyzed with fear of losing my children and exposing them to even more instability.  I would be considered by most to be a very "manly" giant of a man, who is a highly trained professional by day, that can be reduced to tears and fear by a BPD wife all the time.  I wish I had more to offer except, thanks for sharing your experiences.  It helps. 

[Lilibeth]

Dear george2. Don't give up. All of us here have reached the very end of our endurance time and time again... .we've kept each other going and we won't let you go - be assured of that  . Yes, it is wearying and totally debilitating being at the receiving end of the emotional machine gun. It is also a huge emotional shift for us to balance who we are at work - holding jobs and huge responsibilities - and yet know that we can be reduced to nothing.

Like you, i hang on to my daughter. My fear was that my daughter would be scarred but i learnt from Turkish that this isn't so. So put that thought away - neither will they be scarred, nor will you lose them. There will be hiccups, but you will be able to talk with them, and children show remarkable understanding, george2. But, you have to make yourself stronger. For one, you must know - and for that too, you will find a lot of material here - how this BPD works. Then, when you learn about validation, and the making of boundaries, you will see that you have it in you to not let that fear and grief get into you... .for your sake you need to get strong.

Draw strength from being a highly trained professional, and use it to keep you going and keep you strong when things look black. It isn't easy, but with practice it works.

One other thing, george2, that i have found - i used to cry that my idea of what my life would look like is diametrically and painfully opposite to what it is; i used to be plagued with thoughts that i wasn't good enough; a whole lot of other painful and heart-wrenching thoughts would come into my head, almost paralyzing me. Waverider's calm advice and DreamFlyer99's words of comfort and assurance helped me, and i realized that it was getting in the way of my healing.

Healing of yourself is what you need to concentrate on first... .you are a terrific person at work and a great Dad - draw comfort from that... .that will also help you cope with your wife's outbursts. Don't let the fear paralyze you, for then you will find it very difficult. Don't let hypothetical questions distract you. Be reassured that you are doing your best, that you are a loving person and learn what to do - you'll find plenty of material here for that, and lots of personal experiences to help you. Believe in yourself and believe in your children. It's not a perfect world we are in, but we can handle it... .

Sending you lots of sunshine... .

Lilibeth

[reluctanthusband]

BTW, do you have any idea where she got that idea in her head? 

Yes I do.  A  few years back a Christian family counselor(one that told me of wife's BPD) told me to record her outbursts arguments so that she may reflect on them when she is not dis-regulated.  Because text messages are easy to save I started to record our recent argument conversations and record her outbursts on video(when I can).  Well Monday night my mother called and started talking to me and I told her that I was going to sleep.  I handed my phone over to my wife so she could talk to her,  I passed out.  I wake up pull up Facebook and notice there is a friends profile pulled up(benign but interesting cause I didn’t do it).  I go to shave and think the wife is asleep and she says "why are you recording our conversations?"  I explain the above and also throw in that I have been using it to reflect on what I say.  I have tried to turn off my memories of bad arguments so I don't dwell on them,  Bad part of that is I forget what I say sometimes.  I do know that she bends what I say to fit her "Feelings" and outright lies about what she said hence the recording.  So when she took her parents to court when she was a teenager for emancipation her main tool was the tape recorder.  SO... .The only RATIONAL conclusion is that I am going to divorce her... .Uh Yeah.  Despite me being in Cali, a Marine and I have no money.  So she thinks that I am trying to get everything with my "evidence".  I tell her I have no money for a lawyer, she's not a physically abusive felonious mother so What the heck is she worried about. A man that is going to leave his wife doesn't work in his garden

I would be considered by most to be a very "manly" giant of a man, who is a highly trained professional by day, that can be reduced to tears and fear by a BPD wife all the time.   

I know that feeling so well.  I am a Marine and have been one for almost 16 years, I am also a Gunnery Sergeant. The Gunny is likely the most respected and feared rank in the Marine Corps(Think R Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket fame) I am much nicer though.  It guts me when I think of how my Marines see me like that and the fact that they don’t know that when my office door is closed I am crying or that I have thought about taking my own life.  You know what the Irony is in that?  I am an instructor for a program that teaches them to identify suicidal/mental illness tendencies in their fellow Marines and get them help.

The push-pull is getting me right now as yesterday I met her at our kids dental appointment and she was making eyes at me the entire time.  I am sitting there only having a few hours of sleep from damn near screaming myself to an aneurism the night before and waking up to her cuddled to me mildly gesturing for sex the next morning.  Then the rest of yesterday she was just in a good mood getting ready for our two week trip to go see my family in a few days.  I am all the while trying to keep a calm demeanor thinking you crazy woman, I was ready for you to just walk out and go away last night and you are just regular and normal today.  I mean geeze I still have a headache right now almost 2 days later after the argument.  I know I'm in a pull phase right now and I am trying to enjoy it.  I know the push is coming when we go home to see my folks... .   

[Lilibeth]

Dear reluctanthusband. My heart goes out to you and i can feel your pain, your anger, your hurt and even how you are getting ready to face the next phase. Since i've been in exactly the same situation, what i say is out of my experience.

Reluctanthusband, first of all, don't wait for the next phase - see i was doing that too, and i learnt, from here, that doing that only makes it worse. Which is true - cos in a way i was also blocking my mind and head and heart and kind of getting ready for combat... .it only made things worse - i found myself reading more than i needed to into the situation, and worse, i gave myself a dreadful beating after that... .and for what. I am all i have... .and i need to pay attention to that.

So, reluctanthusband - an equal first to the one i just said is to pay heed to yourself. You stay calm and focused. You know the pattern - don't fall into the trap. See, you had the headache while she had already slipped out of that phase in the pattern of her behaviour.

Concentrate on YOU and your kids, reluctanthusband, and take each act of hers as just that - don't anticipate it, don't wait for it, don't even think about it - That will help you to step back till it is over - This is very difficult and i am still trying to do it - sometimes i find myself just crying, wailing, with grief... .and sometimes i'm very strong. I'm also working towards being in that strong state all the time. It's very difficult.

One thing that has helped me get back my equilibrium is to breathe in through the nose and breathe out through the mouth, letting the fear, anger, hurt, all negativity out. Tell yourself you are a wonderful person - you must be or you wouldn't be where you are - and believe that... .your children need you, and you need to let go and relax. Please don't think these are empty words - ever since i learnt them, i am trying to do them - thing is that when i do it, i am on top of the situation at home... .

You aren't alone. There are many people who depend on you because you are who you are - many people who care for you as you are - draw strength from that.

Lots of hugs and positive energies coming your way.

Lilibeth

[george2]

Lilith, what wonderful words and advice you shared.  thanks.  When you said I am a great dad, and work hard at my job, I literally smiled and felt warmth.  All my dBPDw says, is how horrible I am as a father, how wretched of a man I am, how lazy I am (because I have put on some pounds and am no longer the buff guy she married)... .I want to scream at her and say, I spend every waking emotion and energy trying to balance your insanity! (I know that would be wrong, and I am not foolish)... .that I have gained some weight because I don't really like myself like I used to, no longer respect the fact that I enable you, am codependent on your everchanging mood;  however, I know she is lying about the father bit.  I try every day to focus on my little ones, I often weep as I drive out of the driveway to work knowing that she will halfway fix a breakfast for them, and spend much time picking/cutting her skin.

The point of all this for me is, thanks for saying the kind words.  I do not even know you, but it resonated with me.

Reluctanthusband... .I feel for you.  Three nights ago, I had an early meeting with a big client, and had to get up at 5:00 am.  The problem was, she kept me up until almost 2:00 telling me how she wanted a divorce, how much my family hates her (not even close to the truth), and that she would probably check herself into the inpatient hospital and leave the kids with me since they only love me and all of us hate her.  the day before that, she raged at me and smashed a sentimental object I had had since I was a child.  I honestly felt so much anger toward her... .I just got in the car, drove down the block, and cried.  then I realized the kids were there with her while she was dysregulated, and so I sucked it up and drove back and took both of them to the playroom and played, while she laid in the dark with her dark thoughts.  I am sorry for you, because when she is that way, it really really hurts. 

Thanks again to you both, and I wish you only the very best.

[Lilibeth]

george2, am reiterating - you are a good man - just don't let anyone tell you any different - and DO NOT fall into the trap she is laying for you to fall into. Of course you are not foolish, but BPDs just have a way of getting under the skin, and can really touch our raw nerves. Just the fact that you are handling this, go to work every day, and have sweet kids should prove to you that you are a good person, a great guy... .truly... .and you don't need anyone to prove that to you. Please tell yourself this again and again and again... .

We need to feel good about ourselves, george2 - very especially, since we are in such a difficult situation. Now, george2, let's just concentrate on you - believe me, the kids will be okay if you are - they have an inbuilt protective mechanism, and you are their strength... .so you have to give more time to yourself. Maybe going to the gym or for a run will be good for you - it will get you out, you could take the little ones along, and you will work out your frustration - this is about her, not about you. When she is in the 'good phase' you be normal as difficult as this is, and when she is in the 'bad phase' you just get yourself away and out... .none of this is easy, george2, but it can be done - and you will find your own ways of keeping yourself whole... .believe me. This family has got some really good material that you can use and tweak to your situation.

That smashing of something which meant a lot to you - i have gone through that so many times. People i love, my H has trashed umpteen times, and seeing my pain has gone on and on... .till i got it, again, from this family, that i was leaving myself open to his attacks. Since then i just don't speak about those who mean a lot and hide away the things that have a special significance... .could you try that?

Be with the children as much as possible - that will balance out any fears they may have. You are the pole star for your children, so no harm will come to them. I know, i wish and wish a thousand times i didn't have to put my daughter through this. When she was small, i'd give her more of my time and energy and cover her in my love, but now she's older, we talk about it, and somehow as muddle through the difficult times, it gets easier. Today, she doesn't feel as much hate for him as she used to - just kind of skirts the topic. She too, i guess is learning that this isn't about her and me... .and that helps me concentrate on my healing... .So, don't despair... .

Of course both you and reluctanthusband will make it. Of course you will. I'm trying and believe me more times than you can imagine, am held up by DreamFlyer99 and Waverider when i stumble. Somehow we have to keep ourselves whole and our self-esteems as intact as we possibly can. We owe this to ourselves... .

Hugs for you... .you are not alone on this journey... .

[reluctanthusband]

George hang in there brother, you are not alone.

Lilli thanks for the kind words.

So yesterday afternoon (next day after playing nice nice) I text her asking how the floors are coming along(new floors are being installed) she says "Your floors look nice"  I say "what My Floors?"  she replies "Yeah YOUR floors for YOUR F@#$ing house"  I just start shaking.  She tells me that I told her to get out of "My Effing House" during the last blow up.  I know I did not as I can still be super angry but think about what I am saying.  She then says "I figure it's still your house because you don’t want to apologize or take ownership for what you did last night"  I was speechless, my jaw literally dropped open.  I said "excuse me, you want me to apologize?"  then I told her how I was not because that whole argument I was trying to stay out of it and that she just kept pushing.

Eventually I found out that she had sent me an apology for assuming the worst that I did not see in txt.  I read it and then called to apologize for my part in the argument.  The funny thing was It was a perfect example of almost all of our fights.  She assumes the worst without taking in all other information about the situation and my history, character and sacrifice for the family. Then forms an opinion based off of bad information and then sets her heart on those negative feelings.  She didn’t say she was sorry for acting/being that way, but I believe she honestly herd it. 

I also explained to her that when I lose it like that it is only because she was incessantly turning the screws with the accusing and assumptions.  I told her that I was just plain happy agreeing to disagree most of the time, but false accusations really get to me and are my button.  For years she held an affair from my knowledge because she kept the belief that "I" had an affair while overseas without her.  Our whole marriage I have been accused of having relationships, wanting relationships(yeah a healthy one), cheating, talking bad about her behind her back.  A guy can only take so much character assassination before he breaks.  I also told her it is not wrong to have those thoughts, but acting them out and holding a fictitious situation over somebody that doesn't deserve it is wrong.

Her biggest argument is that I don’t have empathy or communication.  It seemed as though she got it when I explained to her that she shuts off outside input and all that matters is her feelings when she is like that.  I told her the best thing I can do is dis-engage and let her spin out.

What is happening in our family is what happened to her parents with the exception that we are not drunks and drug users which played into a lot of the abuse that has caused this freaking illness in the first place.  Her biological father was an alcoholic and her mom from some other evidence given to me my a trusted family member is also likely BPD.  I told her she is doing the same things her mother did to her dad except that I will never lay a hand on my wife.  It felt good to tell her how it is in a non fighting accusatory way.

Maybe I'm rambling I don’t know.  I feel although the battle was intense I won it.  But it is such a small battle in another wise long war.  We'll see how the trip goes

[waverider]

Her biggest argument is that I don’t have empathy or communication.  It seemed as though she got it when I explained to her that she shuts off outside input and all that matters is her feelings when she is like that.  I told her the best thing I can do is dis-engage and let her spin out.

This the truth of it, and she may get it, buts as you say when her emotions take off it will all be forgotten again and the behavior repeated. You will just have to accept that, disengage again and not let it get to you.

You are unlikely to change your wife in a hurry, but only how you cope with exactly what you describe

[Lilibeth]

Reluctanthusband. I know exactly how you are feeling, and know the thoughts that must be racing through your head - it is so difficult to even think, let alone think straight, when unfair allegations get chucked at us... .For me, it all becomes either black or totally blank... .and i want to hit back and hit back hard. Worse, the unfairness of the whole thing just gets to me. As i've seen, often, before i know it, it becomes a cycle - and then it gets terribly murky, goes round and round and finally there is only the increase of bitterness, total loss of self-esteem and self-respect and worse... .but worse than this is that while he slips back to being okay, for a time i lose my ability to think straight. Whereas, i know now that if i disengage and tell myself that nothing he is saying is true or applies to me, i feel at least in some control of myself.

It's a wonderful thing that you were able to talk to her in a non-fighting accusatory way. Good for you!

It's a daily thing, reluctanthusband... .i do hope and pray it eases off and things get better as the days and years go by. Till then please do learn to disengage and not let it get to you, as Waverider said... .you keep yourself whole because you have to give a great deal of yourself to balancing things between your wife and you, and giving happiness and filling in the gaps for your children, besides getting your share of life too. We have to do the re-adjustments and re-alignments, reluctanthusband... .many, many re's there... .There is no one solution which will fit all issues... .

Hugs and sunshine coming your way

[formflier]

I know that feeling so well.  I am a Marine and have been one for almost 16 years, I am also a Gunnery Sergeant. The Gunny is likely the most respected and feared rank in the Marine Corps(Think R Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket fame) I am much nicer though.  It guts me when I think of how my Marines see me like that and the fact that they don’t know that when my office door is closed I am crying or that I have thought about taking my own life.  You know what the Irony is in that?  I am an instructor for a program that teaches them to identify suicidal/mental illness tendencies in their fellow Marines and get them help.

Hang in there Gunny!

I'm retired now... .was blessed with two tours as a Skipper.  They were both fabulously successful tours... not because of me... .but because I had great NCOs.  I let them know the broad goal that needed to happen for the mission... .and then got out of their way... .   

Have you ever heard of a vet center?  Google for your location and vet center.  The key is you can go there and it's confidential. 

It has been a lifesaver for me.  Family Therapist there was the one that put me on the trail of BPD.  That allowed me to learn... and change things for the better.

I hope I can help out with some perspective.  I'm military, christian, have PTSD, and my wife has traits of BPD. 

Hang in there!