Suddenly it all makes sense - uBPD mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I came here looking for a few answers about one girl, got more than enough info to explain the behavior of another, much more important girl.

My mom (52) has gone off the deep end, and BPD seems to explain almost everything.

Her dad abandoned her family at an early age to run around and have kids with several other women. It was the 70's and this was a consequence of the swinger lifestyle, but as as a result they were very poor growing up and her mom wasn't strong enough to raise her and my uncles properly - neglecting them to party and run off with other men as well. Abandonment issues early on.

Most of my family have nothing but nice things to say about the boyfriend she had prior to my dad. Nobody understands why they broke up.

The story she has told me about meeting my father was that he was one of her semi-loserish man-friends that she kept around to make herself feel good. Through the grapevine, she learned he had a lot of money. Three months later, they were engaged, and she even converted to a different religion before the wedding to please his parents. That whole chain of events happened much too quickly.

I can't remember much of my childhood, so I'm going off what other relatives have told me. From what I understand, even at a young age, my mom was strangely over-protective of me, as if there was something wrong with me. Uncles and Aunts were not allowed to talk to me during family gatherings. Innocently playing with cousins was heavily policed. Home movies are unpleasant to watch because there is always a worried look on my mom's face while she is literally steering me around the house.  Growing up, playing outside just didn't happen. I was assured that outside was a scary, complicated place where strangers would try to kidnap me and give me "bad candy" at every turn. I was never introduced to the other kids in the neighborhood - I was told they were "bad" and it was left at that.

Elementary school was interesting. I had excellent grades and never got into any trouble, but my mom (and eventually dad) constantly found ways to become upset with me. A huge recurring problem was their disdain over how I held my pencil. They couldn't deal with it, even though my printing never suffered. As my mom began to volunteer more and more at the school, she would often bad-mouth other kids, teachers, and parents in front of me at home. As I got older, she began doing this to family members as well, and her opinion of them from then on never changed. Painting people black.

In junior high, I'll be honest, I was an awkward nerd, and I got picked on for it. Coming home upset with the how the day went would send her into a rage - "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN SUCH A BAD MOOD?". Even though she was heavily involved in the parent counsel and actively trying to extinguish the bullying situation, she couldn't understand why I was always quiet and upset, lashing out at me for it instead.

She ended up taking a job at my high school as an assistant librarian so she could keep tabs on me. She immediately used this new position to convince the staff my best friend's older brother was luring special needs children into the washrooms at lunch time to fondle them. Along with this, once I made the Football team, she was now the football team's photographer. She used this position to "innocently" flirt with my friends and other coaches, with my dad in plain sight.

Things got worse as High School progressed. My marks slightly dropped due to the terrible lineup of teachers (it happens), and I got a bit of a social life. She saw these new friends (guys I'm still friends with to this day) as a threat. Instead of being happy that I found a good group of guys to chum with, every night out with friends would end in her screaming at me that I was abandoning her, plotting to run away, conspiring against her, and "telling everybody you hate us." This, of course, wasn't true at all, but this did not stop her from convincing my dad that she was right. Fear of abandonment, delusions.

I couldn't take this for very long and eventually had several violent outbursts towards them at home.

During the mandatory therapy sessions that followed, numerous T's could not see anything wrong with me, even as my parents insisted I had "problems" stemming from childhood. The T's often pointed the finger at my folks, leading to several awkward car rides home. Physical abuse started after these sessions ended, but I wasn't sure what to do. Friends understood the situation, but most of my family had been shunned by my mom outright or bought into her delusions that I was "conspiring" against her. Classic manipulation.

As I got out into the real world, her opinion of me would change day-to-day. For a period I bounced around between a couple entry-level jobs. If I was unemployed one day at 10:00am, I was "an embarrassment." If I came home from an interview at 10:45amsaying "I got the job", she was ecstatic. She continued to bad mouth both my friends and her friends as a way of making conversation. On the flipside, generic behavior, such as eating an early dinner at Subway because I had a craving for a Pizza Sub, would cause her to have full-blown meltdowns and claim I was avoiding her. My dad sided with her and this lead to more abuse.

At some point, my friends and I bought go-karts to dick around with in the neighborhood. Everybody up here has some sort of pleasure-craft and nobody seems to mind. My mom painted me black. This new endeavor made me a terrible person who "needs serious help." Her and my dad tried to call the cops several times on us, and they took to abusing me in front of my friends when the cops didn't chase us around the neighbourhood as they'd promised us. I promptly packed my things and crashed at a buddy's house. My mom manipulated my friend's dad into asking me to leave a few weeks later, telling him I have major issues, and I ran to my aunt's house. My dad showed up, assaulted both me and my aunt, then left. Despite successfully filing an emergency protection order on my dad, my mom was totally convinced that my aunt and I are conspiring against them and made everything up.

Currently, my mom has been manipulating a large portion of the family into believing I have severe mental issues. Aside from the lone aunt and uncle who were also painted black by my mom for a different reason several years ago and understand what's going on, I am totally unable to talk with anyone in my family. Everybody is looking for evidence to back up my mom's claims; even generic Facebook posts are wildly misinterpreted by a large portion of my family.

My mom has also taken to emailing me every other day with outrageous claims that are stereotypical of someone with BPD. From begging me to return home (I live on my own now), to claiming the EPO also applies to her and she is not allowed to discuss certain things as her "lawyer friend" has advised her (her name is nowhere in the document), to spreading obviously false stories about other family members... .It's just awful to see in action, but explains a lot. I am NOT comfortable with her knowing where I live, and have given her an address that isn't mine in order to deter her away from my location.

Should I be worried about her future behavior? Or will she eventually poop herself out and leave me alone? I do not wish to have any sort of relationship with someone like that.

[.cup.car]

I came here looking for a few answers about one girl, got more than enough info to explain the behavior of another, much more important girl.

My mom (52) has gone off the deep end, and BPD seems to explain almost everything.

Her dad abandoned her family at an early age to run around and have kids with several other women. It was the 70's and this was a consequence of the swinger lifestyle, but as as a result they were very poor growing up and her mom wasn't strong enough to raise her and my uncles properly - neglecting them to party and run off with other men as well. Abandonment issues early on.

Most of my family have nothing but nice things to say about the boyfriend she had prior to my dad. Nobody understands why they broke up.

The story she has told me about meeting my father was that he was one of her semi-loserish man-friends that she kept around to make herself feel good. Through the grapevine, she learned he had a lot of money. Three months later, they were engaged, and she even converted to a different religion before the wedding to please his parents. That whole chain of events happened much too quickly.

I can't remember much of my childhood, so I'm going off what other relatives have told me. From what I understand, even at a young age, my mom was strangely over-protective of me, as if there was something wrong with me. Uncles and Aunts were not allowed to talk to me during family gatherings. Innocently playing with cousins was heavily policed. Home movies are unpleasant to watch because there is always a worried look on my mom's face while she is literally steering me around the house.  Growing up, playing outside just didn't happen. I was assured that outside was a scary, complicated place where strangers would try to kidnap me and give me "bad candy" at every turn. I was never introduced to the other kids in the neighborhood - I was told they were "bad" and it was left at that.

Elementary school was interesting. I had excellent grades and never got into any trouble, but my mom (and eventually dad) constantly found ways to become upset with me. A huge recurring problem was their disdain over how I held my pencil. They couldn't deal with it, even though my printing never suffered. As my mom began to volunteer more and more at the school, she would often bad-mouth other kids, teachers, and parents in front of me at home. As I got older, she began doing this to family members as well, and her opinion of them from then on never changed. Painting people black.

In junior high, I'll be honest, I was an awkward nerd, and I got picked on for it. Coming home upset with the how the day went would send her into a rage - "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN SUCH A BAD MOOD?". Even though she was heavily involved in the parent counsel and actively trying to extinguish the bullying situation, she couldn't understand why I was always quiet and upset, lashing out at me for it instead.

She ended up taking a job at my high school as an assistant librarian so she could keep tabs on me. She immediately used this new position to convince the staff my best friend's older brother was luring special needs children into the washrooms at lunch time to fondle them. Along with this, once I made the Football team, she was now the football team's photographer. She used this position to "innocently" flirt with my friends and other coaches, with my dad in plain sight.

Things got worse as High School progressed. My marks slightly dropped due to the terrible lineup of teachers (it happens), and I got a bit of a social life. She saw these new friends (guys I'm still friends with to this day) as a threat. Instead of being happy that I found a good group of guys to chum with, every night out with friends would end in her screaming at me that I was abandoning her, plotting to run away, conspiring against her, and "telling everybody you hate us." This, of course, wasn't true at all, but this did not stop her from convincing my dad that she was right. Fear of abandonment, delusions.

I couldn't take this for very long and eventually had several violent outbursts towards them at home.

During the mandatory therapy sessions that followed, numerous T's could not see anything wrong with me, even as my parents insisted I had "problems" stemming from childhood. The T's often pointed the finger at my folks, leading to several awkward car rides home. Physical abuse started after these sessions ended, but I wasn't sure what to do. Friends understood the situation, but most of my family had been shunned by my mom outright or bought into her delusions that I was "conspiring" against her. Classic manipulation.

As I got out into the real world, her opinion of me would change day-to-day. For a period I bounced around between a couple entry-level jobs. If I was unemployed one day at 10:00am, I was "an embarrassment." If I came home from an interview at 10:45amsaying "I got the job", she was ecstatic. She continued to bad mouth both my friends and her friends as a way of making conversation. On the flipside, generic behavior, such as eating an early dinner at Subway because I had a craving for a Pizza Sub, would cause her to have full-blown meltdowns and claim I was avoiding her. My dad sided with her and this lead to more abuse.

At some point, my friends and I bought go-karts to dick around with in the neighborhood. Everybody up here has some sort of pleasure-craft and nobody seems to mind. My mom painted me black. This new endeavor made me a terrible person who "needs serious help." Her and my dad tried to call the cops several times on us, and they took to abusing me in front of my friends when the cops didn't chase us around the neighbourhood as they'd promised us. I promptly packed my things and crashed at a buddy's house. My mom manipulated my friend's dad into asking me to leave a few weeks later, telling him I have major issues, and I ran to my aunt's house. My dad showed up, assaulted both me and my aunt, then left. Despite successfully filing an emergency protection order on my dad, my mom was totally convinced that my aunt and I are conspiring against them and made everything up.

Currently, my mom has been manipulating a large portion of the family into believing I have severe mental issues. Aside from the lone aunt and uncle who were also painted black by my mom for a different reason several years ago and understand what's going on, I am totally unable to talk with anyone in my family. Everybody is looking for evidence to back up my mom's claims; even generic Facebook posts are wildly misinterpreted by a large portion of my family.

My mom has also taken to emailing me every other day with outrageous claims that are stereotypical of someone with BPD. From begging me to return home (I live on my own now), to claiming the EPO also applies to her and she is not allowed to discuss certain things as her "lawyer friend" has advised her (her name is nowhere in the document), to spreading obviously false stories about other family members... .It's just awful to see in action, but explains a lot. I am NOT comfortable with her knowing where I live, and have given her an address that isn't mine in order to deter her away from my location.

Should I be worried about her future behavior? Or will she eventually poop herself out and leave me alone? I do not wish to have any sort of relationship with someone like that.

[Kwamina]

Hello .cup.car  ,

Talking about a difficult childhood isn't easy so thanks for sharing your story. Your post will also help other people on here. I'm sorry your mother treated you this way, quite frankly her behavior sounds horrible and having her work at your school only made a bad situation even worse. I am happy you don't live with her anymore, her behavior sounds very draining and damaging and I fully understand your desire to distance yourself from her. Protecting yourself and your emotional and mental well-being should definitely be your number one priority, especially considering all the things you've already went through with your mother but also with your father.

You ask if you should be worried about your mother's possible future behavior. The reality of BPD is that if the person doesn't acknowledge there's something wrong with them and doesn't fully commit to learning how to better deal with the disorder, it's very unlikely that their behavior will change (for the better). Based on how you describe your mother I unfortunately strongly get the sense that she doesn't acknowledge her wrongdoings at all and might even think to be justified in treating you the way she does. I wouldn't say that you should be worried about her future behavior, but that you should be fully aware of what she's capable of based on your experiences so far. You can use this awareness to prepare yourself for any future interactions with her. The fact that you don't live with her anymore at least places some distance between the two of you and you can use this to work on healing yourself. I suggest you take a look at the survivor's guide to the right of this message board. This is an invaluable tool for adults who suffered childhood abuse. When dealing with your mother boundaries are also very important, that's why I also suggest you take a look at the following workshops:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries

I hope you'll find the information on here helpful.