He prodded me. Now I am irritated Grrrr...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone 

I am currently 8 weeks NC with my dBPDexbf and doing pretty good I must say! I've been busy with friends, family, my gym, my job, my hobbies... .and things are actually ok :-) In summary - we had an argument, he decided to ignore me, I reached out once asking to talk, he blocked communication with me and I left it at that. So why then is HE the one “prodding” me? If anything shouldn't it be vice versa?

I’m not going to bore you with the details (it’s actually laughably petty and as so many of you warned me it can be like dealing with a 4 year old!) but he has started going out of his way to do something that he knows triggers a notification to my phone. The first time it happened I didn't think too much of it (it happened just after our fight and I put it down to being part of his tantrum) but after weeks of complete NC he does it again! And yes, he does know what he is doing -  it’s all very deliberate and calculated.

I have pretty spot on intuition with things and straight away this is what my gut told me:

1. This was an attempt to provoke a response from me.

(I never once contacted him after he blocked me, I thought "wow, ok then!" and just left him to it - it took a lot of willpower however and I think he found that quite surprising since I felt his blocking was more rooted in punishment and your natural reaction is to go "hey! what the heck are you doing?"

2. This is a way to show me that although he blocked certain things, he hasn't blocked me on email.

(Almost a "hey! you can come at me through email! I haven't blocked you from everything!... to be honest I actually assumed he had!)

I have not reacted at all and have no intention of doing so but it really annoyed me and got me thinking: this situation is very much his choice and was imposed by him on his terms.  I wanted to talk, he didn’t, going so far as to block communication. I swallowed that (very) bitter pill, accepted it and have absolutely stuck to it – HE did not want to communicate whatsoever so I DIDN’T  communicate whatsoever!

Yes, it has upended me somewhat and I suppose I feel a little bit angry about it since I was doing so well. He can't just "move the goalposts!"

[BlondeRunner]

Hi everyone 

I am currently 8 weeks NC with my dBPDexbf and doing pretty good I must say! I've been busy with friends, family, my gym, my job, my hobbies... .and things are actually ok :-) In summary - we had an argument, he decided to ignore me, I reached out once asking to talk, he blocked communication with me and I left it at that. So why then is HE the one “prodding” me? If anything shouldn't it be vice versa?

I’m not going to bore you with the details (it’s actually laughably petty and as so many of you warned me it can be like dealing with a 4 year old!) but he has started going out of his way to do something that he knows triggers a notification to my phone. The first time it happened I didn't think too much of it (it happened just after our fight and I put it down to being part of his tantrum) but after weeks of complete NC he does it again! And yes, he does know what he is doing -  it’s all very deliberate and calculated.

I have pretty spot on intuition with things and straight away this is what my gut told me:

1. This was an attempt to provoke a response from me.

(I never once contacted him after he blocked me, I thought "wow, ok then!" and just left him to it - it took a lot of willpower however and I think he found that quite surprising since I felt his blocking was more rooted in punishment and your natural reaction is to go "hey! what the heck are you doing?"

2. This is a way to show me that although he blocked certain things, he hasn't blocked me on email.

(Almost a "hey! you can come at me through email! I haven't blocked you from everything!... to be honest I actually assumed he had!)

I have not reacted at all and have no intention of doing so but it really annoyed me and got me thinking: this situation is very much his choice and was imposed by him on his terms.  I wanted to talk, he didn’t, going so far as to block communication. I swallowed that (very) bitter pill, accepted it and have absolutely stuck to it – HE did not want to communicate whatsoever so I DIDN’T  communicate whatsoever!

Yes, it has upended me somewhat and I suppose I feel a little bit angry about it since I was doing so well. He can't just "move the goalposts!"

[patientandclear]

First off, are you clear what you want? If you want to be done, carry on.

But if you're not clear on that, you should consider that him blocking you didn't mean he didn't want to talk. You were certainly entitled to read it the way and react as you did, but AT&T his point he undoubtedly feels you have abandoned him. Yes, you were supposed to respond to the blocking--apologize, ask what's up, get desperate and show it. You didn't and that means you stepped outside the game and he is stuck not knowing how to get back on track. Telling you he made a mistake and regrets it is not an option for him as he sees it.

My ex broke up with me (I thought). He said words I took to be final words of decision. I took it seriously and like you say, swallowed the bitter pill. Two months later I asked for NC (he was writing me about other things) and his reaction was so weird I did ask him to talk ... .He was hurt and bitter and blaming me. When we talked he said "but I always thought we would talk!" He is used to patterns where he says no, the other person begs and then he resumes but with more power, I think. He never expected I would just accept his choice and it's implication would be that we were done. He said done ... .But pwBPD rarely really want to be done-done, it seems.

You could wait an eternity for him to reach out in a normal fashion. He probably won't. This is his way of initiating contact. The question is do you want that? These dynamics are tough to navigate and they don't change much.

[beachlover]

I had gone about two months without talking to my ex and she emailed me saying she had something really important to tell me. I unfortunately spoke to her where she tried to tell me that before we stopped talking she was pregnant with my kid and got an abortion. She told me the only person she told was her mom. Out of figuring she was lying again and that she had made me extremely upset, I spoke to her mom. She had no clue what I was talking about. I think this falls into this category as at least her mom realizes what she has spawned, but she won't and I have yet to receive an apology.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi blonderunner et al., I think those w/BPD will do anything for attention due to their fear of abandonment.  My suggestion is to avoid re-engaging, which on some level is what they want, attention, despite indications to the contrary.  Your story, beachlover, is a good example of the lengths a pwBPD will go to draw you back in.  LuckyJim

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Patientandclear 

WOW! You have read the situation and myself like a book! Are you psychic? UNCANNY! Thank you so much for your response, it has been very helpful.

First off, are you clear what you want? If you want to be done, carry on.

No, I suppose I'm not clear and that's why I am annoyed - I am irritated at myself! Deep down I know I should keep on walking. I don't see it working no matter how much I love, miss and care about him.

... .you should consider that him blocking you didn't mean he didn't want to talk... .at this point he undoubtedly feels you have abandoned him. Yes, you were supposed to respond to the blocking--apologize, ask what's up, get desperate and show it. You didn't and that means you stepped outside the game and he is stuck not knowing how to get back on track... .

100% agreed. I have to hold my hands up to my own shortcomings which have contributed to this situation - I am terribly stubborn, proud to the end, will do anything to avoid being in a vulnerable position and I do tend to see things in very black and white terms. I was blocked, translated that as "I hate you, don't you dare talk to me" so I kept well away. Perhaps I should have reached out, I don't know. I'm just quite a simple person like that, I'm not all "about the drama".

My ex broke up with me (I thought). He said words I took to be final words of decision. I took it seriously and like you say, swallowed the bitter pill... .When we talked he said "but I always thought we would talk!" He is used to patterns where he says no, the other person begs and then he resumes but with more power, I think. He never expected I would just accept his choice and it's implication would be that we were done.

This! I suspect my dBPDex is used to this trick working in previous relationships. What you have mentioned above also throws the fact that he won't return any of my stuff into a new light... .

You could wait an eternity for him to reach out in a normal fashion. He probably won't. This is his way of initiating contact. The question is do you want that? These dynamics are tough to navigate and they don't change much.

P&C, you have me pegged! This is exactly what I thought - he needs to reach out in a normal fashion if he has anything to say. I need to stop placing "normal" relationship expectations on him. Eurgh, these dynamics are so tough to navigate.

Hi Beachlover   - Wow! That is awful! Thank goodness you listened to your intuition. I can't imagine the emotional stress of such a thing,

Hi LuckyJim   - Agreed. My dBPDexbf told me a hideous lie in a similar vein as beachlover's and it came down to attention seeking I think. And I think your suggestion re: avoiding re-engagement is a good one!

[patientandclear]

Hi Patientandclear 

Hi!   

... .you should consider that him blocking you didn't mean he didn't want to talk... .at this point he undoubtedly feels you have abandoned him. Yes, you were supposed to respond to the blocking--apologize, ask what's up, get desperate and show it. You didn't and that means you stepped outside the game and he is stuck not knowing how to get back on track... .

100% agreed. I have to hold my hands up to my own shortcomings which have contributed to this situation - I am terribly stubborn, proud to the end, will do anything to avoid being in a vulnerable position and I do tend to see things in very black and white terms. I was blocked, translated that as "I hate you, don't you dare talk to me" so I kept well away. Perhaps I should have reached out, I don't know. I'm just quite a simple person like that, I'm not all "about the drama".

I want to make super clear that there was nothing wrong with your response.  He blocked you.  That means he doesn't want communication.  In normal life.  You are not doing something "wrong" if you take someone at their word.  And even though normal meanings probably don't apply with pwBPD, it really is going down the rabbit hole once you start playing God and deciding which of their statements to take at face value (like "you're the love of my life" and which not to (like "it's over" or "I don't want to talk to you".

So your response didn't work for him, but that doesn't mean it was wrong.  Does that make sense?

If you want to continue this, you may have to practice not taking what he says (any of what he says) at face value.  In a sense that can "work," at least for a while.  But that is a very, very challenging framework for a relationship.

[Trent]

I don't see it working no matter how much I love, miss and care about him.

Logically, at some point in the r/s, we all realize it's not going to work out.  Unfortunately, that doesn't stop our heart from trying, and ultimately delaying & deepening the hurt in the process. 

You are at a critical juncture right now.  You've already survived the first 8 weeks post breakup, which IMO are the toughest.  Good job!      Now is the time to block him, go NC, heal, and move forward.  You know that you don't need this crap, and you deserve better.   

[Lucky Jim]

Logically, at some point in the r/s, we all realize it's not going to work out.  Unfortunately, that doesn't stop our heart from trying, and ultimately delaying & deepening the hurt in the process.

Well said, Trent.  Postponing the pain only makes it worse, yet most of us have probably stayed too long in our BPD r/s.  (I did!).  LuckyJim

[BlondeRunner]

I want to make super clear that there was nothing wrong with your response.  He blocked you.  That means he doesn't want communication.  In normal life.  You are not doing something "wrong" if you take someone at their word... .

... .So your response didn't work for him, but that doesn't mean it was wrong.  Does that make sense?

I love this. I sometimes forget I'm not involved in something that "normal" can be applied to and I need to keep reminding myself of that, and yes, that makes sense 

Hi Trent 

You are at a critical juncture right now.  You've already survived the first 8 weeks post breakup, which IMO are the toughest.  Good job!      Now is the time to block him, go NC, heal, and move forward.  You know that you don't need this crap, and you deserve better.   

You are so right. I think this is why it annoyed me... .things are going well, I'm doing ok and then the boat is rocked ever so slightly but enough that your mind starts spinning out!

I know I need to stay away. I was thrown an exit card and need to run with it. My gut is screaming at me to keep walking. I am doing my best to listen to it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BR, I got into a lot of trouble w/a pwBPD when I ignored my gut feelings.  I'm glad that you are listening to yours.  My T describes it as "thinking from the neck down."  LJ