Does this sound like BPD or is it just me?

[GFofBDP]

Hi all,

I've been with my bf for 1.5 years. I'm in my 20s, graduated college, great/stable job, personal life is drama free... .except with my bf. He's in his 30s, works for his brother, has drinking problem, problems with family, gets fired or in a huge fight with brother due to his drinking and not showing up to work, starts problems with his family. As for us, from the beginning, my intuition said to get away bc he almost seemed like he was living a double life. Caught him cheating 1 week after my best friend's death. Came back with apologies and promises. From there on, it has been verbal abuse, telling me one story only for him to get caught that he lied when he repeats it a week or so later, flirty texts to his ex, drinking, waking me up at 3am drunk DEMANDING I facechat him or he gets so angry, embarrassing me in front of his friends or being the complete gentleman in front of them only to go completely CRAZY on me once they leave. He praises me to his friends for my job and where I live, only to throw it in my face when we are fighting. His best friend and I threw him a surprise bday dinner and party. He waited on the water for 15 minutes and that completely ruined his night bc "the waitress disrespected him." Everyone stayed up until 4am celebrating with him and when they wanted to leave, he started complain it's a funeral not a bday. He's extremely paranoid from everyone, even his own family.

One second he's the most romantic, kindest and loving person you'd meet and saying he wants to marry me and can't see himself with anyone else. The next he's the hulk throwing stuff, punching holes in the wall (even with his friends), breaking his phone, verbally abusing me and belittling me to the core, etc. He would start a huge fight Thurs just so I wouldn't talk to him over the weekend or he'd ignore me if I try to communicate. His own best friends told me to leave him bc I don't deserve it because I wasn't raised that way and that I have too much going on for me in my life to put up with it. If I get mad or upset and need a day or so to step back, he'll start with apologizing and promising and if I don't respond, he'd add 1/2 naked girls on FB, block me, accuse me of cheating, etc and admits later that he did it just to piss me off. If I did respond to him, 5 mins later, he's back to the monster and ignoring ME to get revenge for ignoring him. When I tell him I wasn't raised like this and I'm not used to this treatment, he'd say "welcome to the real world, hun." Lately, I stopped reacting to his craziness and would just not talk, so he started getting worse verbally, and accused me of things to embarrass me or get me in trouble and later apologize until one day he said something VERY disrespectful and I hung up and haven't spoken or responded to him since. It's been 2+ weeks. He apologized, accused me of cheating, added girls, blocked me, EVERYTHING that used to get a reaction out of me and I have not spoken to him at all.

I, sometimes, find blame in myself maybe because I didn't trust him and would question him a lot but I always come to a conclusion that if he didn't tell me 3 different versions of EVERY story, didn't get caught lying about where he is and cheating, texting his exes that he misses them and treating me like absolute crap, I wouldn't have trust issues with him. He's always getting back at me for something. Please help. Am I doing the right thing by completely cutting him off or should I communicate with him?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaybeSo]

 

You already know, logically,  this is not just you.  

I don't know his diagnosis but he is exhibiting some very serious symptoms.

Obviously, we all play a role in any relationship dynamics; from reading your post, I'd say you may need to work hard on firmer boundaries. You just described a lot of crazy making, insensitive behaviors ... .lots of them... .with validation from others that this behavior is not good... .and you are still wondering if it's just you. unless you develop strong boundaries around your sense of self... .a million people could say it's not you... .and you would still wonder if it's you.  you do not own his behavior, he does. only he owns his behavior. that's a boundary. He has obvious serious emotional issues. in or out of this relationship, boundaries are a lifesaver. if you are done with the relationship it's probably best to keep no contact. if you plan to stay... .use distance as needed for safety, not for punishment, and start reading the lessons on this site.  

[waverider]

The problem with BPD is that it disregards boundaries, hence they trample into "your stuff" and drag you into "their stuff". It all gets intertwined with reaction & counter reaction. It makes you question what is your part and what is theirs. You end up triggering each other.

It is no wonder you question yourself and your part in this. So to answer the question, you did not instigate this, but being dragged into it you unwittingly fuel it. Without a working knowledge of what is going on it is near impossible to keep a healthy perspective.

This forum is here to help you untangle these threads. It is not easy.

[GFofBDP]

Thank you both so much for the response. I believe you are both absolutely correct. Because I got used to that type of behavior, I completely disregarded the boundaries I had set prior to the relationship. That is when I told him "I'm not used to this" and he would say "welcome to the real world" as if it is normal. It's been 3 weeks today with absolutely no contacting him or responding to any of his texts or calls. I'm so glad I cut off contact and stopped blaming myself for his behavior little by little.

My problem now is moving on and realizing that not all guys are the same so I don't end up sabotaging the next relationship by always thinking or expecting negative behavior. I hope that comes with time.

[woodsposse]

My problem now is moving on and realizing that not all guys are the same so I don't end up sabotaging the next relationship by always thinking or expecting negative behavior. I hope that comes with time.

Well before you get to comfy in the knowledge that not all guys are the same... .you must realize that "guys are guys"  (and we can be quite stupid!)  BPD or not!  :-)

(a little levity for ya).

Seriously, I'm glad you understand that you have your boundaries and in any relationship they should be honored. You have to honor them yourself as well.  Remember, your happiness starts and ends with you.  Never let a stupid guy dictate your happiness (we are guys... .)   

[waverider]

My problem now is moving on and realizing that not all guys are the same so I don't end up sabotaging the next relationship by always thinking or expecting negative behavior. I hope that comes with time.

Assumption is the mother of all stuff ups.

Assumption is a human trait, hence we will create stuff ups

The better you know and respect yourself the better you are equipped to avoid and survive stuff ups.

[formflier]

I, sometimes, find blame in myself maybe because I didn't trust him and would question him a lot but I always come to a conclusion that if he didn't tell me 3 different versions of EVERY story, didn't get caught lying about where he is and cheating, texting his exes that he misses them and treating me like absolute crap, I wouldn't have trust issues with him. He's always getting back at me for something. Please help. Am I doing the right thing by completely cutting him off or should I communicate with him?

Please shy away from "blaming" yourself.  It is good to figure out the role you play... .and you do play a role in this... but a good idea to shy away from strong words like blame as you are thinking about it.

I think before we can answer the question about cutting off or communicating... .we need to focus you on education about the dynamics.

And education about communication skills when dealing with BPD.

There are tons of articles on hear about communication and boundaries.  Please look them over and post some reactions to this thread.

You are on the right track... .we can help guide you. 

I'm glad you are here!