Off to my therapist once again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all 

I have an appointment with my therapist in an hours time. I haven't been to see her for a year - I originally saw her regarding the sudden breakdown of a long term relationship three years ago and funnily enough my last session with her was the same day as my first date with my dBPDexbf.

She knows nothing of that relationship. Guess it's time to enlighten her!

I wonder what she will make of this... .

BR x

[BlondeRunner]

Hi all 

I have an appointment with my therapist in an hours time. I haven't been to see her for a year - I originally saw her regarding the sudden breakdown of a long term relationship three years ago and funnily enough my last session with her was the same day as my first date with my dBPDexbf.

She knows nothing of that relationship. Guess it's time to enlighten her!

I wonder what she will make of this... .

BR x

[trappedinlove]

Hi all 

I have an appointment with my therapist in an hours time. I haven't been to see her for a year - I originally saw her regarding the sudden breakdown of a long term relationship three years ago and funnily enough my last session with her was the same day as my first date with my dBPDexbf.

She knows nothing of that relationship. Guess it's time to enlighten her!

I wonder what she will make of this... .

BR x

Good luck.  I wonder what YOU will make of this :-)

Enjoy!

[malwa]

woow, funnily indeed... .

I wish you good luck!

malwa

[BlondeRunner]

WOWSERS!   I don't know whether I feel better or worse post my first session! No, I do feel better, it was just difficult to hear some pretty cold hard truths from my therapist - we have quite a close relationship (I saw her for a few years a while back to help me deal with the break up of a healthy long term relationship) and she has clients who have BPD and also clients who are in/have had relationships with pwBPD.

In summary:

- She pretty much begged me to run and never look back! Said I had been dealt an exit card and I need to take it and be thankful.

- Stated there is very little treatment for pwBPD. She herself only manages to make very minor improvements with her BPD clients.

- Warned she has seen people involved with pwBPD lose their minds, I was lucky to have only given 9 months and escaped relatively unscathed.

- Stated that the silent treatment I am in receipt of is emotional abuse.

She kept alluding to me returning to the relationship so I did point out that this is not an option anyway since HE is the one ignoring me and has me blocked on (most) things, not vice versa. She suggested I immediately block him too!

It got a bit heated between us at points as she seemed to paint pwBPD as sociopaths and I just cannot equate that image of a cold, calculating, mirroring, manipulative robot as my dBPDexbf. I just can't. Or don't want to.

She did raise a good point though which made me think: "BlondeRunner, you are a strong girl and I know you wouldn't have accepted this behaviour for one second in ANY of your previous relationships. Why is this different?". I said "I feel bad for him. I don't want him to go through life like this".

Gave me a lot to think about... .

[malwa]

WOWSERS!   I don't know whether I feel better or worse post my first session! No, I do feel better, it was just difficult to hear some pretty cold hard truths from my therapist - we have quite a close relationship (I saw her for a few years a while back to help me deal with the break up of a healthy long term relationship) and she has clients who have BPD and also clients who are in/have had relationships with pwBPD.

In summary:

- She pretty much begged me to run and never look back! Said I had been dealt an exit card and I need to take it and be thankful.

- Stated there is very little treatment for pwBPD. She herself only manages to make very minor improvements with her BPD clients.

- Warned she has seen people involved with pwBPD lose their minds, I was lucky to have only given 9 months and escaped relatively unscathed.

- Stated that the silent treatment I am in receipt of is emotional abuse.

She kept alluding to me returning to the relationship so I did point out that this is not an option anyway since HE is the one ignoring me and has me blocked on (most) things, not vice versa. She suggested I immediately block him too!

It got a bit heated between us at points as she seemed to paint pwBPD as sociopaths and I just cannot equate that image of a cold, calculating, mirroring, manipulative robot as my dBPDexbf. I just can't. Or don't want to.

She did raise a good point though which made me think: "BlondeRunner, you are a strong girl and I know you wouldn't have accepted this behaviour for one second in ANY of your previous relationships. Why is this different?". I said "I feel bad for him. I don't want him to go through life like this".

Gave me a lot to think about... .

Hi BlondeRUnner,

I live in Poland but my therapist said the same as yours - there is very little treatmenr for BPD... .

She said that when it comes to relationships with BPD there are only 3 options:

1. you leave/you are left, which means you need to "cool down your heart"

2. you help him/her to deal with the disorder/treat the disorder (you are the savior, parent)

3. you are in this relationship for all these beautiful super extra amazing moments and at the same time you are prepared for toxic, hurting nightmare, because there never will be "normal".

And also my thoughts about my ex was similar to yours - I feel bad for her... .

Sadly, they do not feel bad for us. As far as I know from all this articles.  I do not blame my ex that she do not feel the same way about me as I feel about us because I try to understand that this is because of her disorder.

For me this is maybe the worst thing, because I need to realise (and I'm trying to do this all the time) that BPD has totally different inner reality! So how can they feel and think as not BPD do?

[Narellan]

BR Thankyou for posting. My T said the exact same thing word for word. She refers to him as a sociopath and after some things I told her she said never to allow him to enter my life again. She said dont open the door to him. Put a big red " danger" sign on the door. I end up trying to defend him to my T ? I think she's overreacting but I'm in no good place to say for sure.

She said its manipulation and mind control from a sisiopath who has no feelings other than to satisfy his own needs.

I haven't been back to see her for a while. I have trouble seeing him through her eyes, or anyone else's. maybe it's time to put glasses on.

[Emelie Emelie]

My Therapist, who also treats people with BPD said the same thing.  Run and never look back.  Very little hope for improvement.  Extremely psychologically damaging to their partners.  The look on his face when I told him I was going back... .he was dumbfounded.  Haven't been back to see him. 

[KeepOnGoing]

My therapist also said to not have NC. She also suggest I not block my BPD friend on my phone or any social media for fear it might trigger her. My therapist said it is extremely hard to keep and hold boundaries, even for a therapist, when dealing with someone with BPD. I also heard on a podcast that many therapists will only deal with one or two BPD clients at a time because they are so exhausting. When I asked my therapist for a strategy for how to deal with my BPD friend if she contacts me, my therapist said: Don't do anything until you talk to me. In fact, she said you two tried to be friends - it didn't work - so move on. In other words, she does not want me to reengage. Says most people who deal with those who have BPD are people who have to because they are a parent or a sibling or there is joint custody of a child. If you don't have to be in a relationship, then don't. That was her advice. I was shocked!

[Tausk]

It got a bit heated between us at points as she seemed to paint pwBPD as sociopaths and I just cannot equate that image of a cold, calculating, mirroring, manipulative robot as my dBPDexbf. I just can't. Or don't want to.

The only thing worse for therapists than trying to treat pwBPD are trying to treat the partners of pwBPD.  Partners who are in denial. Partners who are leaving the crack open for a relapse.  Partners who are caught between hope/uncertainty and won't find closure.  Partners who waste a lifetime in a futile wait for the Disorder to somehow chance into something good.  But's it's not.  The Disorder is EVIL!  The Disorder is a living NIGHTMARE.  The Disorder is sheer TERROR. 

pwBPD are not Sociopaths.  Sociopaths don't feel, so they do things like torture animals to try and experience feelings.  Our exes felt everything as if they didn't have skin.  And sociopaths don't have shame.  However, after a while an untreatable pwBPD is in essence nothing more than shame, because they cannot process their shame into guilt into redemption and absolution.

But make no mistake, a pwBPD who is in devaluation and triggered will do anything to survive.  Their actions can be absolutely Sociopathic. And that is why they are so dangerous.  When I am unsure of this fact, I think of my ex as an emotional vampire or zombie who will suck the life energy from me, and leave me on the side of the road dying and have forgotten me and be with another man before I've even hit the ground.   

Their actions can be deeply destructive without a shred of empathy or consideration.  The actions can easily be sociopathic, manipulative, destructive, and under most standards evil or at immoral.  When fully triggered as pwBPD is Zombie who needs to feed on other people.  It's a relationship Disorder.  So the Zombie/Disorder needs participants. 

It's all about survival of a traumatized three year old, who is in sheer panic.  They cannot see or hear or feel beyond their own immediate pain and fear.  

If you need to think of your ex as and evil sociopath to stay away, do so.  And only after the FOG has really cleared, find compassion for healthy reasons... .and that is that they live in their own creation of the terror of their own worst nightmare.

The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder always wins.  The Disorder cares nothing about collecting collateral damage.  The only way not to lose anymore is the leave as a victim.  

STAY AWAY... .You've been warned.

[KeepOnGoing]

"When fully triggered a pwBPD is a Zombie who needs to feed on other people.  It's a relationship Disorder.  So the Zombie/Disorder needs participants."

Thank you. Great explanation and reminder!

[trappedinlove]

Interestingly, my therapist always brought the focus back on me.

I'd spend maybe half our meeting talking about her and he would typically reply along the lines of

"Well, she has BPD.  How do you feel about that?  Why you are doing this or that?... ."

It really helps me to internalize that my uBPDxso and her behavior are a fact that I have little control of

and my focus must be on myself, my well being, my family, my job, my life, regardless of her,

with or without contact, it doesn't matter.  I need to live up to my priorities and establish my boundaries.

She kept alluding to me returning to the relationship so I did point out that this is not an option anyway since HE is the one ignoring me and has me blocked on (most) things, not vice versa. She suggested I immediately block him too!

How do you feel about that?

How is the silent treatment different from staying in strict no contact from our side?

It got a bit heated between us at points as she seemed to paint pwBPD as sociopaths and I just cannot equate that image of a cold, calculating, mirroring, manipulative robot as my dBPDexbf. I just can't. Or don't want to.

You don't have to. You can walk away calmly without too much drama and do what's good for you even if your ex is not a vicious demon.

Just a person with a personality disorder.  One that you probably loved very much and you still care for, but is toxic to you.

That's an important reason to break the r/s and keep healthy distance form your ex.

She did raise a good point though which made me think: "BlondeRunner, you are a strong girl and I know you wouldn't have accepted this behaviour for one second in ANY of your previous relationships. Why is this different?". I said "I feel bad for him. I don't want him to go through life like this".

Gave me a lot to think about... .

You obviously still care very much about him.

That's beautiful and admirable, but put your own well being first.

You can't and you don't help him by feeding the attachment.

Wish him the best in your heart that's all you can do.

TIL

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Hey BlondeRunner -

Thanks for starting this thread. 

The couples counselor my ex and I went to told me she thought my ex was BPD and I needed to stay away and prepare for her to return and try to recycle me -- she did try.  When I told one of my ex's former clients (She is a PhD Psch) who I am in touch for work reasons - she told me "Phoenix, run away as fast and as far as you can."  This is one of my ex's former "friends."

I thought your comment about "feeling bad for him (your ex)" was interesting and I really connected with it on a certain level.  I think it shows their success in portraying themselves as "victims" with us / their abandoned child.  I felt kind of sorry for my ex too and that if I just boosted her up a bit - emotionally, financially, etc... .she would be ok.  She took advantage of me and drained me of every bit of kindness, generosity and tenderness.  "No good deed will do unpunished."

I also connected with what you said about not wanting to accept the image of your ex as cold, calculating, etc... .he may be deliberate about NC so that he can manage how you see him.  My ex kept saying to me "I'm a good person" every time I brought up the lying, manipulation, abuse, etc... Most recently (a few months ago) she continued to lie to me over the phone and text that she wasn't dating someone - she was trying to convince me that we should try again.

I wonder though if you could 'see" him as in look in on how he is living now if perhaps you might be able to accept it.  The more I've found out about my ex the more I realized I was duped and I use that word intentionally - because thats the word our couples counselor used with me.  I now actually try to sit with the image of my ex in my mind and let myself really look at her (mentally) and allow myself to reframe her picture in my mind and attach the identity and my now current feelings for the person she really is ... .the lying, abusive, triangulating person she is.  It's hard and it doesn't feel good because I have her in my head and heart as this loving person.  This process of reframing her in my mind and in my heart is helping me let go and accept her for who she is as well as force me to make the internal "decision" or judgment that this is someone I really don't want anything to do with - and that I have a responsibility to myself to protect myself from people like her. 

It's a process for me of reframing to let go and in doing so of telling myself the truth of who she is -- just wanted to share with you as I can really relate to wanting to hang on to the identity / definition of who your ex is.  I wish you peace and strength 

[Narellan]

Thankyou Phoenixbpdfamily.com for your post. I really identify will all that's been said in this thread and I'm going to try to reframe my exBPD in my mind. I really need to do something more to detach. The only friend I talk to anymore, he is more of a T with his advice said to me last night a few alarming truths. He is so worried for my well being. He wants me to do hypnotherapy to detach. Everything I've tried has not given me this result. He said if I don't do something drastic now he fears ill end up crazier than my exBPD, or drugged out on Prozac. He said my exBPD has become my obsession.

I think he's right, and lots of it are due to the way I still view my exBPD.

So in 2 days I have booked into a health and well being spa. I'm flying thousands of miles to be alone for a week at the beach, in the sun and will walk and live and reframe my ex. I need to let him go. Especially in my own head.

I'm not going to talk about him anymore. My only friend that I could talk to doesn't get it and he's pushing me to do more. My T isn't helpful as she says everything I know I should do but I'm adversive to it for some reason. I still cling to the belief that he loved me and waited his whole life for me. Fact is he's telling someone else that now and has moved on.

I need to find some peace. We all do 

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Malwa,

... .my thoughts about my ex was similar to yours - I feel bad for her... .Sadly, they do not feel bad for us. I do not blame my ex that she do not feel the same way about me as I feel about us because I try to understand that this is because of her disorder.

I feel the same. I don't have hatred or even a huge amount of anger towards my ex, I'm largely able to see "BPD" and not "him" if you get what I mean. I think this is what has helped me handle this relatively well - I haven't taken it personally.

Hi Narellan, Hi Emelie, Hi KeepOnGoing 

My T said the exact same thing word for word... .She said dont open the door to him. Put a big red " danger" sign on the door.

My Therapist... .said the same thing.  Run and never look back.  Very little hope for improvement.  Extremely psychologically damaging to their partners.

If you don't have to be in a relationship, then don't. That was her advice. I was shocked!

Shocking isn't it? I wasn't expecting her to be so blunt! Like, she really meant it when she warned me to stay away. She said "there will be no happiness there for you, Blondie. We should be having a party right now!"

Hi Tausk 

Thank you for your wonderful post. I have screenshot it to keep on my phone for quick access!

pwBPD are not Sociopaths.  Sociopaths don't feel... .Our exes felt everything as if they didn't have skin.  And sociopaths don't have shame.  However, after a while an untreatable pwBPD is in essence nothing more than shame, because they cannot process their shame into guilt into redemption and absolution.

But make no mistake, a pwBPD who is in devaluation and triggered will do anything to survive.  Their actions can be absolutely Sociopathic. And that is why they are so dangerous.   

Their actions can be deeply destructive without a shred of empathy or consideration.  The actions can easily be sociopathic, manipulative, destructive, and under most standards evil or at immoral. 

Tausk, now I have calmed down and got a bit of perspective on the session this is actually closer to what my T was saying. They can have sociopathic actions.

they live in their own creation of the terror of their own worst nightmare.

And this is why I feel dreadful for him. He is compelled to live his worst nightmare over and over and the worst thing is, he knows it. He used to mention it all of the time.

Hi TrappedInLove 

Interestingly, my therapist always brought the focus back on me. I'd spend maybe half our meeting talking about her and he would typically reply along the lines of "Well, she has BPD.  How do you feel about that?  Why you are doing this or that?... ."

Well I walked in with the announcement "Ok, I will talk about him for a bit but really we need to address what this whole debacle says about me!"  And as much as I hate to admit this the bottom line comes down to my own abandonment issues and that I like to have people depend on me as I think it makes them less susceptible to leaving.

She kept alluding to me returning to the relationship so I did point out that this is not an option anyway since HE is the one ignoring me and has me blocked on (most) things, not vice versa. She suggested I immediately block him too!

How do you feel about that? How is the silent treatment different from staying in strict no contact from our side?

Urgh, I don't even like my answer to this. I stick to the ST because it comes from him, it's out of my control, imposed by him and there's nothing I can do. If it was NC coming from me would I be the same? Eek. I don't know. Mind you, I should give myself some credit - I could have been banging his door down but haven't been.

You obviously still care very much about him. That's beautiful and admirable, but put your own well being first.

You can't and you don't help him by feeding the attachment. Wish him the best in your heart that's all you can do.

This is exactly what my T finished with. She said "be kind to yourself" and "sometimes you can only love someone from afar".

Hi PhoenixFromTheFlames 

I thought your comment about "feeling bad for him (your ex)" was interesting and I really connected with it on a certain level.  I think it shows their success in portraying themselves as "victims" with us / their abandoned child.  I felt kind of sorry for my ex too and that if I just boosted her up a bit - emotionally, financially, etc... .she would be ok.

Yes! I'm telling you, there's no bigger victim in this world than my ex - MY GOODNESS! Constantly in a gloomy pity party, nothing works out for him, a victim of his upbringing, his exes, his job, his friends, his landlady... .I have never known someone with such bad luck haha!

Totally understand re: "If I just boost them up... .". I always used to think this. If I help him get this in line then things will be better... .they never were. There was always something else.

It's a process for me of reframing to let go and in doing so of telling myself the truth of who she is -- just wanted to share with you as I can really relate to wanting to hang on to the identity / definition of who your ex is.  I wish you peace and strength 

Thank you for this. I am gradually reframing him. I don't think he is a demon but what seems to resonate most with me is what Tausk outlined above - a traumatised and panicked toddler, someone emotionally underdeveloped who cannot give me what I want, need and deserve.

As Phoenix says above, I too wish you all peace and strength