Conservative Christian initiating divorce from uBPDw, but no (known) adultery

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was just wondering if any Christians here have initiated divorce without any adultery or proof of adultery, and has wrestled with the theology behind Jesus' teaching that anybody who initiates divorce except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery.

A big thing for me is that, although my spouse has had questionable boundaries with other guys in a few instances, I'm not specifically aware of any adultery.  However,  my spouse does have an issue with reading erotic stories involving rape/incest, which may or may not fall into "sexual immorality" depending on the interpretation of that verse.

Although my spouse had mentioned divorce several times throughout marriage, it was always through projection, by randomly asking me if I wanted a divorce, if she wasn't happy with something I was doing.

I don't know about abandonment either.  My spouse has always insisted that she doesn't want a divorce, and that the divorce is wrong and unbiblical, but after I initiated, she wanted to do the fastest/cheapest divorce possible, and signed her paperwork as soon as she got all the money she wanted.  Nobody made her sign  anything.

My current counselor believes that a lot of her behavior throughout our marriage indicates the possibility that she may not actually be a Christian, even though she professes to be one, and that emotional abandonment could be considerd.  She said that the vows to love, honor, and cherish can be considered to be broken... .

... .and yet I keep getting hung up by Jesus' own words, and I don't know If I'm taking them out of context.  I already committed to divorce, but I'm still wrestling with the theology, especially as this could impact whether I can ever remarry.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229161.0

The above link is to my initial post as a newbie here that gives a bit more background on my marriage.

[levelup]

I was just wondering if any Christians here have initiated divorce without any adultery or proof of adultery, and has wrestled with the theology behind Jesus' teaching that anybody who initiates divorce except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery.

A big thing for me is that, although my spouse has had questionable boundaries with other guys in a few instances, I'm not specifically aware of any adultery.  However,  my spouse does have an issue with reading erotic stories involving rape/incest, which may or may not fall into "sexual immorality" depending on the interpretation of that verse.

Although my spouse had mentioned divorce several times throughout marriage, it was always through projection, by randomly asking me if I wanted a divorce, if she wasn't happy with something I was doing.

I don't know about abandonment either.  My spouse has always insisted that she doesn't want a divorce, and that the divorce is wrong and unbiblical, but after I initiated, she wanted to do the fastest/cheapest divorce possible, and signed her paperwork as soon as she got all the money she wanted.  Nobody made her sign  anything.

My current counselor believes that a lot of her behavior throughout our marriage indicates the possibility that she may not actually be a Christian, even though she professes to be one, and that emotional abandonment could be considerd.  She said that the vows to love, honor, and cherish can be considered to be broken... .

... .and yet I keep getting hung up by Jesus' own words, and I don't know If I'm taking them out of context.  I already committed to divorce, but I'm still wrestling with the theology, especially as this could impact whether I can ever remarry.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229161.0

The above link is to my initial post as a newbie here that gives a bit more background on my marriage.

[wishfulthinking]

I have wrestled with this as well.  God does not want us abused, either.  I have talked with a Christian counselor (we used him as a MC, he diagnosed to me my H's BPD/NPD) and with a pastor.  Both have told me that abuse is something God does not tolerate, either.  It is also breaking the vows made under God because true Christians do not treat their "one flesh" as such.  They are breaking that covenant they have made under Him to us.  If we want to get extremely technical, we are not supposed to even initiate a divorce even if the other party is unequally yoked with us and is not a true Christian, we are supposed to separate and live that way and hope they come around to be our partner again, but biblically not permitted to commit adultery by dating or any other relationship.  If they file for divorce from the truly Christian person, we are allowed to sign the papers and we are absolved.  BUT, new testament cuts us a bit of a break with our sins by the blood of Christ.  We no longer have to sacrifice animals for our sins, etc.  So, you can get technical and feel bad about it or you can realize that God wants better for us and we were tricked into the marriage under false pretenses and trusted this person to be who they showed us they were and they were a wolf in sheep's clothing the whole time, and under Christian law that can be annulled.  It's under the secular world's law that annulment is harder due to length of time married and consummating and such. 

NOW, I am a fairly new "book reading" Christian and just learning more and beginning to study more intensely the past year, but learned a lot on this between my own studies and that of the pastor and my MC, so if there is something I've said wrong, please forgive me.

[AwakenedOne]

My current counselor believes that a lot of her behavior throughout our marriage indicates the possibility that she may not actually be a Christian, even though she professes to be one, and that emotional abandonment could be considered. She said that the vows to love, honor, and cherish can be considered to be broken... .

1 Corinthians 7:15

[Aussie JJ]

levelup,

I am not a devoted religious man, my mother and particulary my grandmother were.  I cannot quote from the bible or paraphrase however if you ex-spouse has BPD then you were in love with a reflection of yourself, she was religious because you were.  There was no person there, no sense of self, your ex spouse took on your beleifs and lived them while she was with you. 

I beleive in morals and when religion guides people for the better I feel an obligation to acknowledge their beleifs as being true and factual.  When you feel that you have broken those vows it has to hurt alot.  I dont know how to tell you it is ok as for me, I was devoted to my exBPDgf and would have endured anything for her, I would have opened up and stood side by side battling any evil that existed to overcome those evils together.  I feel that you were devoted as well and those beleifs that you hold you are strugling to come to terms with, as their is a feeling you have betrayed them. 

I was unable in the end live with the person I was becoming, my beleifs had been trampled and I was no longer above reproach morally.  'Love thy neighbour'.  My exBPDgf painted our whole neighbourhood black, I wasn't able to socialise with anyone or interact and they were all evil.  If a relationship is causing you to leave your beleifs at the door and sacrifice your sense of self.  Their is nothing more noble than to ensure that you stay true to those values that guide you. 

If that means leaving, if that entails breaking those vows in one instance to ensure that for every other instance you are upholding those beleifs then there is no shame in that.  Forgive yourself for breaking those vows and embrace the fact that you are staying true to the values and morals that guide you for the rest of your life. 

The fact that you are questioning yourself shows how much it means to you and that it wasnt an easy decision, you didnt just sign the paperwork and rush through it, she did. 

[toomanytears]

levelup,

I am not a devoted religious man, my mother and particulary my grandmother were.  I cannot quote from the bible or paraphrase however if you ex-spouse has BPD then you were in love with a reflection of yourself, she was religious because you were.  There was no person there, no sense of self, your ex spouse took on your beleifs and lived them while she was with you. 

I beleive in morals and when religion guides people for the better I feel an obligation to acknowledge their beleifs as being true and factual.  When you feel that you have broken those vows it has to hurt alot.  I dont know how to tell you it is ok as for me, I was devoted to my exBPDgf and would have endured anything for her, I would have opened up and stood side by side battling any evil that existed to overcome those evils together.  I feel that you were devoted as well and those beleifs that you hold you are strugling to come to terms with, as their is a feeling you have betrayed them. 

I was unable in the end live with the person I was becoming, my beleifs had been trampled and I was no longer above reproach morally.  'Love thy neighbour'.  My exBPDgf painted our whole neighbourhood black, I wasn't able to socialise with anyone or interact and they were all evil.  If a relationship is causing you to leave your beleifs at the door and sacrifice your sense of self.  Their is nothing more noble than to ensure that you stay true to those values that guide you. 

If that means leaving, if that entails breaking those vows in one instance to ensure that for every other instance you are upholding those beleifs then there is no shame in that.  Forgive yourself for breaking those vows and embrace the fact that you are staying true to the values and morals that guide you for the rest of your life. 

The fact that you are questioning yourself shows how much it means to you and that it wasnt an easy decision, you didnt just sign the paperwork and rush through it, she did. 

thanks Aussie 33. your post resonates with me. 

Like levelup my BPDh rushed through the paperwork and started divorce proceedings as soon as he could. So he could make me sell the house and move on to his new life. It has slowed down since he discovered he couldn't just press Control D and there is a lot of annoying paperwork involved. Finally the decree nisi has gone through but we are nowhere near solving the financial settlement.

I too stuck by my BPDh for years - 31 almost to the day, through some pretty tough times.  He developed similar characteristics to the ones you describe in your ex.  Painting the neighbours, friends, ex colleagues black. Meantime he was attaching himself to a Quaker community possibly, very likely, with a new woman. He had never shown inclination towards any religion in spite of the many years we spent in our cathedral while our son was a chorister.  I'm certain he's mirroring the new woman's beliefs.  But none of his behaviour to me since he left a year ago has reflected his new found faith. His emails show that he has constructed a personality assassination of me to justify his actions. How is that Christian? But I don't hate him. I hate the BPD and what's it's done to him and what it makes him do.

Since he left me, many many neglected friendships have blossomed. Old friendships have been rekindled. I'm much nicer, happier and more fulfilled. I can now be the person I want to be. It feels good sixty per cent of the time. I'm working on the other forty. It's a rocky road but I'm determined to make it out the other end. 

As for being a Christian.  Just saying your are Christian does not make you one.  Actions speak louder than words. Levelup look at her deeds and what do they say about her?

[Aussie JJ]

Toomanytears... .

I like to look at my actions, look at how I have handled myself.  When I look at myself now I am feeling a lot better.  My 40% is probably closer to 80% of I am honest.  

I can control myself quicker now just focusing on myself and my actions then I stop doubting myself.  

[mywifecrazy]

I was just wondering if any Christians here have initiated divorce without any adultery or proof of adultery, and has wrestled with the theology behind Jesus' teaching that anybody who initiates divorce except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery.

A big thing for me is that, although my spouse has had questionable boundaries with other guys in a few instances, I'm not specifically aware of any adultery.  However,  my spouse does have an issue with reading erotic stories involving rape/incest, which may or may not fall into "sexual immorality" depending on the interpretation of that verse.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27, 28 ESV)

Emotional Affairs and Pornography use are forms of adultery. What you describe here is probably just the tip,of the iceberg of her hidden behaviors.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this but keep,your focus on God and he will comfort you whatever path you choose. Meditate on Romans 8:28. I found this to be true and a source of comfort in my divorce.

Sincerely... .MFC

[toomanytears]

Toomanytears... .

k

I like to look at my actions, look at how I have handled myself.  When I look at myself now I am feeling a lot better.  My 40% is probably closer to 80% of I am honest.  

I can control myself quicker now just focusing on myself and my actions then I stop doubting myself.  

Thanks Aussie. Good thoughts. One thing I've just started is practising gratitude - making a daily record of all the good things that happen in a day.  It really helps to reinforce a positive frame of mind. 

[Rapt Reader]

Just a quick reminder of the ground rules for faith discussions.  We  removed two posts - the points were certainly valid - but they fell outside of the guidelines.

Carry on!

3.2 Respecting Religious Belief Systems: We are a multi-national and multi-cultural community and narrow faith based discussions are allowed.

3.2.1. We very much encourage members to explore how well they are living their faith. At the same time, we ask members not to use faith to judge, criticize or condemn others. There is increasing recognition by leading experts of the benefits of mental and emotional therapies which blend ancient faith based practices (Western and Eastern) with more contemporary clinical practices.

3.2.2 When a thread host raises a question with religious implications, they are entitled to a discussion that stays within the confines of the teachings of their religious culture and the specific topic. For example, if a Christian host is exploring "why God allows mental defect, it" is not acceptable to interject Atheist, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, or agnostic based philosophies into the discussion. At the same time, however, it is recognized that there are different schools of thought within a religious culture and this diversity is acceptable. As a condition of posting in these threads, participants are asked to respect this.

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