Do pwBPD have ESP?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is a serious question.  Some background:

A few months ago, almost purely at random, a cousin of mine happened upon an unique idea for an engagement ring or wedding band.  It would involve using raw materials from my grandparents house (which my cousin now owns), having the materials shipped to an artist, and having a ring constructed.  This is a totally unique idea that I had never heard of before, but I instantly thought it was perfect.  Perfect because:

1) it's not too expensive.  This is important, because my fiancé both obsesses about spending too much or not spending enough.

2) It's meaningful and unique.  Much more so than a ring from the jewelry store at the mall.

3) It's symbolic - I don't have a family ring to give, but this would be the closest thing to it.  It symbolizes her becoming a part of my family.

4) I consider it "good energy" on a spiritual sense.  

So, my idea was to have the ring made (it would take probably 2 months), then propose to her.  Of course, not a week or two later with her constant anxiety and impatience I was "forced" to propose to her without a ring.  Forced in the sense that I had already made up my mind to propose to her, but her behavior was such that she would probably have ended things due to her intense anxiety before the ring was ready.  Not the proposal I wanted, and I know that would ultimately not be what she wanted.  

So here I am, about 2 weeks later, working on the logistics of getting this ring made, about ready to have everything arranged, and am quite excited about it.  And of course, every woman she tells she is engaged wants to know the details of how I proposed and wants to see her ring.  I knew that would happen, and that is why I wanted to wait! (Does she even understand that her extreme anxiety and impatience prevents her from getting the things she wants?).  So now I know she thinks about this constantly, and I know within a week there will probably be a major dysregulation over this.  I've given her a few hints about the ring, but no details.  And I think that also sends her brain racing.

This morning, she woke up, and told me she had a weird dream.  I asked her about it.  She said in he dream I gave her an engagement ring that she didn't like, and that I was being mean, and then she got mad at me and left.  And she described the engagement ring from her dream, and it was of the same unique style of ring that I am getting made for her.  Remember, this is NOT a typical style of ring!  

- Does she have some kind of ESP?

- Is this a huge coincidence?

- Did she subconsciously figure this out based upon scant clues that I gave her?  All I told her is that I want to get her a unique ring made from materials found at my grandparents house.  

- OR - perhaps she either snooped through my phone or personal emails?

Do you really think this was a dream she had, or perhaps this is something she had figured out by whatever means, then said she had a dream as a means of bringing this up with me?

I feel REALLY down over this this morning.  I just don't know how to move forward.  I've snapped back to the mindset that there is no win in a r/s with a pwBPD, so why bother.  

[maxsterling]

This is a serious question.  Some background:

A few months ago, almost purely at random, a cousin of mine happened upon an unique idea for an engagement ring or wedding band.  It would involve using raw materials from my grandparents house (which my cousin now owns), having the materials shipped to an artist, and having a ring constructed.  This is a totally unique idea that I had never heard of before, but I instantly thought it was perfect.  Perfect because:

1) it's not too expensive.  This is important, because my fiancé both obsesses about spending too much or not spending enough.

2) It's meaningful and unique.  Much more so than a ring from the jewelry store at the mall.

3) It's symbolic - I don't have a family ring to give, but this would be the closest thing to it.  It symbolizes her becoming a part of my family.

4) I consider it "good energy" on a spiritual sense.  

So, my idea was to have the ring made (it would take probably 2 months), then propose to her.  Of course, not a week or two later with her constant anxiety and impatience I was "forced" to propose to her without a ring.  Forced in the sense that I had already made up my mind to propose to her, but her behavior was such that she would probably have ended things due to her intense anxiety before the ring was ready.  Not the proposal I wanted, and I know that would ultimately not be what she wanted.  

So here I am, about 2 weeks later, working on the logistics of getting this ring made, about ready to have everything arranged, and am quite excited about it.  And of course, every woman she tells she is engaged wants to know the details of how I proposed and wants to see her ring.  I knew that would happen, and that is why I wanted to wait! (Does she even understand that her extreme anxiety and impatience prevents her from getting the things she wants?).  So now I know she thinks about this constantly, and I know within a week there will probably be a major dysregulation over this.  I've given her a few hints about the ring, but no details.  And I think that also sends her brain racing.

This morning, she woke up, and told me she had a weird dream.  I asked her about it.  She said in he dream I gave her an engagement ring that she didn't like, and that I was being mean, and then she got mad at me and left.  And she described the engagement ring from her dream, and it was of the same unique style of ring that I am getting made for her.  Remember, this is NOT a typical style of ring!  

- Does she have some kind of ESP?

- Is this a huge coincidence?

- Did she subconsciously figure this out based upon scant clues that I gave her?  All I told her is that I want to get her a unique ring made from materials found at my grandparents house.  

- OR - perhaps she either snooped through my phone or personal emails?

Do you really think this was a dream she had, or perhaps this is something she had figured out by whatever means, then said she had a dream as a means of bringing this up with me?

I feel REALLY down over this this morning.  I just don't know how to move forward.  I've snapped back to the mindset that there is no win in a r/s with a pwBPD, so why bother.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Rapt Reader]

Wow, that's pretty eerie, maxsterling 

As a female who loves jewelry, there's always the chance that she will love it in person (as compared to the dream version).

Has she ever had dreams that predicted the future before?

Is there a way she could have known what you were getting for her?

I don't see ESP-like traits in any of my own BPD loved ones, but maybe other members will have experience like that... .

I would just go on and do what you were planning on doing with the ring, because what choice do you have at this time? I do know how it feels when it seems that no matter what I do, it's not enough (or the right thing) for my BPD loved one 

[maxsterling]

Rapt - I'm trying to remember... .

Nothing even close to this coincidental, but she is easily the most perceptive person I have ever met.  I think that's probably true for many people with BPD.  I know in her case, she was raised by an abusive mother, so from very early on she probably had to learn to gauge her mother's moods based upon clues and facial expressions.  Of course, many times she is wrong, or makes things bigger than they are, but if I am having a bad day or something is on my mind, she's on me in a snap.

The more I think about it, the more I think she probably didn't snoop my phone or computer.  She just doesn't seem to be that kind of person, at least any more than the average person.  And if she did, her emotions would overwhelm her and she would confront me in a different way.  She's incapable of holding ANYTHING back.  On the other hand, it's entirely possible she did some facebook investigating, or just obsessive google searching regarding unique wedding bands or engagement rings, or asking around.  It wouldn't be *that* hard to figure out if one spent the time to think about it.  But again, if she sleuthed it, it seems her nature would be to confront me about it in another way rather than tell me she had a "dream".

SO, I think she actually did have a "dream".  It just seems soo bizarre though.  And dream or not, it seems to be set up for a disaster.

[Rapt Reader]

Boy... . 

It sounds like she really has a gift for perception, and maybe prescient dreams... .

I hope it all works out; it's too late now to change the ring's style? Like even just a small thing that could make it less like the style she doesn't like?

The jewelry lover in me thinks there's always a way to make a piece a little more special or unusual than the norm, and maybe the jeweler has some ideas for you? If there is time to do this, go to the jeweler, tell him/her that you just found out that your fiancé doesn't like that style--what could be done to make it more original and special? You know, there could be several ways to make that happen... .Is it too late to try? I'd try, especially since you are sure she will be very disappointed and it will wreck the presentation... .Is there any possibility to do that?

Good luck, maxsterling... .I'm rooting for you and for a happy fiancé