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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: NC fail  (Read 746 times)
gtrhr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 111



« on: July 18, 2014, 12:58:01 PM »

I posted earlier this week about being on pins and needles wanting to contact my ex gf.  I had enough anxiety one evening to where I did reach out to her and she has been responsive in text in a kind of limited way.  It's clear we are not over each other but in terms of next steps effectively my hands are tied.

I cannot help but still feel like the only solution present today is full on no contact to really get past the anxiety, stress, and setting myself up for having her let me down.

I've been really trying to look deeper in myself and recognize what triggered my anger and my anxiety in the past.  How I would lash out in hopes to burn all bridges with her.  It was totally counter to my goal of a relationship with her.  But I really did try to damage our relationship so badly that she could never possibly want me, as I could not make myself stop wanting her.  So I could once and for all put an end to the notion that she would give me the real committed friendship that I wanted to have with her.

I know that I become anxious when she expresses a desire for a future.  When she tells me we had the strongest connection ever.  Today we did finally break the ice a little bit and had a rather lengthy online chat where she acknowledged her fears and doubts and we went full circle.

Well today I felt incredibly anxious, and she explained how I make her feel when I start asking for real concrete action.  Plus there are other deeper issues with her and guilt of how we started off our relationship.

But you know five years into it the real question for me is, is she dealing with those issues in a way that addresses both of our needs.  It's a resounding no.  And I am not willing to sign up for giving one hundred percent effort all the time, and her being on the receiving end, but not giving back.  That dynamic is what builds the huge resentment in me.

Well this week on the message board I've done tons of reading and reflecting.  I kind of realize I can maybe allow for the possibility for a brief time.  But history has shown it doesn't move us forward that much.

At one time I realized, ":)ude she's just not that into you."  So I don't know why I pay attention now to her saying she still wishes it had worked out.  And how she wants the kind of relationship with me that I describe to her.
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gtrhr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 111



« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2014, 01:00:36 PM »

Sorry if this is not the right type of message for this board.  My feeling after today is I wish I had maintained no contact.  Hope for her is not something exactly to feel happy about anymore.
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LettingGo14
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 751



« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2014, 01:59:29 PM »

This is a perfectly fine message for this board.   Rumination and resentment are things most of us have faced & held.

I think the key is doing what you are doing.   Posting, reading, processing.   The stages of detachment, listed in the right column of this page, serve as a guide to healing. 

It's not a switch we can flip, but it is a process.  And you are doing the work.   
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beachlover

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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2014, 02:30:16 PM »

To be 100% honest I felt the same way with my ex. I've been through the anxiety of not talking and then she'd reach out and say she never felt a connection like she did with me and all the same things it sounds like yours says to you. I'm my opinion once you get past a little NC and your anxiety subsides since you're not talking to them, the feeling is 100x better than sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to throw you a bone or make you even somewhat fulfilled. I honestly think being with my ex was worse than the separation anxiety because of the constant torment she put me thru. I went along with it, and now I'm just angry at her and the things I allowed her to get away with. Yes I still love her, but no one is worth the torment or going thru the disrespect of how I was treated.
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gtrhr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 111



« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2014, 03:46:47 PM »

beachlover, thanks I think it sounds like we have almost exactly the same outlook.  I totally agree that no one is worth the torment and disrespect.

lettinggo14, thanks for the support.

There was some value today in acknowledging to her that my angry responses to her mistreatment were not appropriate.  There are facets of her behavior that are very much like BPD or at the very least NPD.  They all manifest themselves in similar treatment a lot of us get.  Today it was a surprising thing.  She basically came out and said she felt that we both showed elements of PTSD.  I totally agree with her.  My anxiety is palpable at times.  I've allowed myself to feel victimized by her inaction.  She was seeing her own therapist for a while and I recall she got some insights like that before.

And she described how anxious she feels the minute I start asking her for more than just "fantasy texts about how great our connection is and how she wants a future together".  She says she shuts down and it's not intentional.

I think the disconnect is I love her in that moment she can be so open and honest like she was today.  She's not ready to throw down her defensiveness and get real at that moment though.  Frustration mounts.  At one time she was my ideal partner in that she and I told each other really deeply rooted feelings.

Still today I felt that the absolutely awful treatment she gave me was minimized or at least put under the guise of, "I was being noble trying to force you back to your ex" and she even described it as putting the universe back into alignment by somehow reuniting me with my ex.  For her to think she has that power actually makes me want to do exactly the opposite you know.  If she really wanted to achieve that result, she should have broken contact with me eons ago and told me nothing but, have a nice life.  Instead even now I'm getting "I want that kind of life with you" and only one day later, "go back to your ex so that I can sleep better at night."  She told me that would be closure for her.  And guess what, she'll be telling me she wants to be together and that was a test for me sometime later.

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beachlover

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2014, 05:10:34 PM »

Dude, don't let her do that to you. I have blocked my ex in every way shape and form. If I see her I will literally walk the other direction. I know that I have anxiety, but it is heightened with someone so indecisive. The fact that she tells you she wants a fantasy relationship is exactly that a fantasy. Her telling you to go back to your ex is like mine breaking down and telling me how bad she feels like she will ultimately let me down. The more you allow her to string you along the longer you delay getting back to yourself. Let me tell you from my experience, my anxiety was 100 times worse when I was with her always wondering who I'd be spending my time with when I hung out with her. I made a huge mistake allowing contact to start again 3 weeks ago when she lied about getting an abortion. Trust me, 2 weeks no contact now and I'm getting better each day. NC is for you, not her, it's about getting the focus on you and not being there as her backup or shoulder to cry on when she's upset. She can cry to her replacement.
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gtrhr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 111



« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2014, 06:05:21 PM »

beachlover,  I cannot disagree with anything you said.  History has shown time and again that offering more chances doesn't breed change in her.  You're absolutely right.  The three or four months where I never heard from her were tremendously good for me.  I'm back to being scatterbrained and anxious in a short amount of time.

All signs point to No Contact, I just need to bear down and get on board with the idea once again.

She's already cried to my replacement and tells him how much she misses me.  Because you know, life just should be so impossibly complicated.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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christoff522
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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2014, 06:59:32 PM »

Sorry if this is not the right type of message for this board.  My feeling after today is I wish I had maintained no contact.  Hope for her is not something exactly to feel happy about anymore.

Hey brother, completely understand. I always feel that way, I managed 3 months but ended up messaging her couple of weeks ago... worst 4 days of my life. Then a couple of days ago I caved in again. Every time she gets more evil in her reactions.

I find that the dynamic of our relationship is from both sides a deep yearning for one another on the 'fantasy' level, like an addiction, but when contact begins its a mutual regret. I know this, we will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever be right for each other. I often am so evil and callous in the way that I speak to her that it actually makes me feel shame. I hate myself for how I am to her. I also despise her sometimes for how she dares to speak to me. The whole dynamic is psychotic. I really don't want contact with her.

Warning for you, the next few days will be hard, you may even want a dose of revenge. Make sure to delete and block any means of communication.
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