Missing my child's first birthday

[hurting300]

Well today is my daughter's first birthday... my (ex?) Girlfriend is currently giving me the extreme silent treatment for almost four months now. I came home from work after a normal day of texting her and found she had moved and took the baby. Not a word from her since. I'm over her, but I'm extremely depressed today. I miss my baby. I hate her now and if it's the last thing I do I will get even.

[Mutt]

I have 3 kids and the youngest is older than yours. I missed his 2nd birthday after the split. Your DD is turning 1 it's tough   You have anger and it's OK to have those angry feelings. Did you call and ask if you could see your D today? Are you in NC or she is still giving you the silent treatment?

[hurting300]

Silent Treatment. Her phone was cut off. I have no idea where she is. She just disappeared.

[hurting300]

Plus I just don't get why she can't stop this maddening behavior

[Artisan]

Seems like a judge would have a hay day with that kind of behavior. Might be an in for you to get full custody.

[hurting300]

Yes the judge will. We have to find her first. I have no idea what happened. We had a great night before. Even had amazing sex. The only thing I can think of is she was mad because I called her out on lies.

[Artisan]

If somebody is more knowledgable than I about such things please correct me ... .

However ... .

To all appearances, this is kidnapping.

I'd get the police involved. This is your child, you have every right to know where that kid is.

If she is that unstable, you don't know what could happen to your kid, or who she is exposing your child too and the dangers inherent in that.

This is serious stuff.

[hurting300]

Well, thing is I'm not on the birth certificate. We were going to do that. Then she disappeared. And I won't lie, she had been letting the baby stay with her grandmother for weeks at a time, so she could find a job. That didn't make sense. Oh, she never did find a job. So I blew up two days before that. I told her to get a Damn job, bring our baby home and slack off the excuses and lying or your out  then she disappeared. I've not heard one word.

[Artisan]

So she had an immaculate conception and you aren't the father because it's not on a birth certificate ?

[Mutt]

I'm not a legal expert but could you petition the court for a paternity test to prove that you are? Do you have a lawyer?

I understand that you trust her and your child was being watched by her grandmother but I agree with Artisan, she took your child without telling you and you don't know where either are? Have you called the police for kidnapping?

[momtara]

I think you should consider seriously that she can make up an allegation about you, and then you really won't see her daughter.  You have to do something now.  Document, write a journal entry, have a lawyer send a letter to her last known address.  Talk to a lawyer before reaching out to her.  Don't think about "getting even," think about how to protect yourself and have a shot at custody.  You have to stay stable and react calmly even if it's hard.  Dads have really lost out because their exes made up lies and such.  You want to make sure you can get at least 50/50 if you are a stable dad.

[ForeverDad]

First, if she has moved elsewhere that happens to be a distance away or even out of the state, then after six months she can claim residence (wherever).  Do you want a court case potentially far away for the years to come?  I would suggest you file in family court and start your case well before the 6 months is up.  That will lock in the court location even if she can't be located right now.  So you only have a couple months to lock in your local family court as the deciding authority if she has moved far away.  The clock is ticking... .

When you do get the legal issues addressed such as paternity, custody, parenting schedule, etc, realize that you may not get every birthday or other events with your child.  Family court typically alternates holidays during the year and then flips the schedule for alternate years.  In other words, the holidays you don't get one year are the ones you get the next year.  So you may get your child for birthdays and holidays on alternate years.  For those times when you don't have him according to schedule and she is not cooperative to share events then you may have to make your own parties and gatherings on your own parenting time.  Not optimal but that's what you'll have to learn to work around.

By the way, you can be angry about the situation, that she is obstructing your parenting, but don't ever appear to be an angry or aggressive man to police, family court, evaluators or anyone else.  As momtara wrote, if you are perceived as an angry man then it will make any potential false allegations more believable and enable her to obstruct your parenting even more.  As the Scripture says, "Be wrathful, but do not sin; do not let the sun set while you are still angry". (Ephesians 4:26)  There's a lot of truth to that.

Remember, it's not about getting even, or even being fair.  (Many here have learned that family court doesn't try hard to be 'fair'.)  No, it about being the best father to your child that you can be, even if your time is limited by circumstances outside your control.  If you become focused on getting even, then your child will be the big loser.  Some chaos and obstruction you'll just have to Let Go emotionally.  Yes, you need to get legal help through the courts to establish, enable and protect your parenting, but don't lose sight of what the important things are.  Being angry won't help your parenting efforts.  Choose instead to determine what the best constructive strategies are.  That's another aspect of good peer support.  We've been there, done that.  Learn from our collective experiences.

[hurting300]

Hey guys, I can't get her for kidnapping because I'm not on the birth certificate. I've paid big money for a great family law attorney. I have full custody of my first daughter. So this shouldn't be hard. My ex left behind some damaging evidence. Her diaries are completely sick. Plus appointment cards to numerous psychologists. She will pay for this. I loved and took care of my ex for 18 months with nothing but excuses as to why she couldn't work. She is bumming off guy friends right now. She will always be a low life and I feel sick saying that. I've had zero contact with her since April 2nd 2014. I came home and she was moved out. It's weird because all day that day we flirted over text and she even had sex with me and made my lunch for the day. All of a sudden the messages stopped. She was gone.

[momtara]

Bizarre.  Clearly she has an illness.  I know you are hurting.  Rather than revenge, just try to focus on what's best for your daughter.  Since you have the diaries and plenty of other evidence, you will do fine... .and in the end, she is not going to be very happy. 

[hurting300]

What's messed up, is she's been driving by my house! Four times so far. I'm always gone when she does this. My mom and neighbors tell me about it. And another thing. She always blocks me on Facebook also. But this time she deactivated her Facebook. I think she may be stalking me. She is a quiet woman. She only raged one or two times at me... but she pulled scissors on her mother. That blank stare is gets me. I've never once heard her say i love you to our baby

[momtara]

Maybe she is mentally ill beyond BPD, and delusional.  You could ask for a psych evaluation.  Maybe someone can tape her driving by?

[hurting300]

You may think I'm joking, but I got extremely angry at her one night and left. When I came back she ask me where I went. I popped off "I went on a date" she replied, no you did not. She followed me that night and I swear I never saw her. It's like she's a ghost. She can hide just playing around and it's like she has navy seal precision. She is so physically strong also. I think she wants to hurt me. Just the way she would stare at me whenever I'd catch her in lies and she wouldn't blow up. Just stare. She scares me.

[catnap]

She followed me that night and I swear I never saw her.

 

I think she may be stalking me.

Could she have been using the GPS on your phone to track you? 

I've paid big money for a great family law attorney.

What steps has the attorney suggest you take? 

[hurting300]

No she had no phone. This girl is high threat. We are just trying to locate her now. I've been advised too watch my back. I read in her diary that she had a dream she cut the tongue out of a seven year old and put him in the basement. And she wrote that she could communicate with some guy she liked without even saying a word but he didn't know it yet.

[momtara]

I know you're not joking.  She needs a psych eval or custody evaluation.  I think she has issues beyond BPD.  (I'm not a shrink, but!)  That journal is scary.  Sounds like she should be in treatment.  She has probably had severe issues back to childhood, so as hard as it is, try not to think about 'getting even'; just get your child back as soon as you can and/or get some kind of order.  Sorry you're going through this, but hopefully your child's 2nd b-day will be better.

[hurting300]

The pros are doing all they can. My ex is a scary person. I want to go look for them myself but I swear I get the feeling she would do something.

[momtara]

Follow your instincts.  I bet you can give the professionals ideas on where she might be.  (With relatives? Best friends?  Ex lovers?)  The cops could trace her ATM use etc. if it's a police matter... .

[scraps66]

You need the paternity test, now.  Then you need some type of a custody agreement.  That was the first thing that my very first L asked me after explaining my predicament, is the kid yours.  And don't lapse with this, she may have someone else that she could CLAIM is the father, and string him along too.

Look at it this way, regardless of what you're feeling which is not good, this is not a way for your diaghter to enjoy her first birthday, but more so not a good lifestyle for her.  So channel your anger into action and that may make you feel better and a little more in control.   

[hurting300]

She has no job still. She is not been at any of the families homes I've checked out. She has simply vanished. Her driving by my home tells me she is close. Mainly because it's out of her way to do such a thing. I truly think she is keeping tabs on me. And I'm trying not to be too angry trust me.

[hurting300]

Ok the lawyer is going to get a judge to let him get her medical records. Someone said she might be beyond BPD. I think you are right. She never raged but once or twice. But she did slam doors and was extremely jealous of anyone who talked to me, she didn't complain really but the looks and body language said it all. She was a covert abuser. Now that I'm pretty much over the shock I see that. I truly believe she is a psychopath capable of murder. If you could just read her diary you would agree.

[momtara]

Yes, she does sound like she has bigger problems... .what would make her leave so suddenly?

[hurting300]

Trust me, I've asked myself that question a thousand times. I figure it's because I was catching her in lies and she wouldn't be honest. She had this idea that it was ok too talk about me behind my back and have entitlement.

[catnap]

I am with momtara, be very careful. 

Can you discreetly check if she has taken the baby to the pediatrician since she left?  Perhaps she gave them different contact info.  I realize you are not on the birth certificate, but was thinking if your listed as the father you might be able to see the baby's records. 

[hurting300]

No I'm not listed. She's a complete control freak. She needs to be taught a lesson, and as soon as we can serve her it'll start.

[ForeverDad]

She needs to be taught a lesson, and as soon as we can serve her it'll start.

If your court is like most courts, she won't be "taught a lesson".  They'll set a baseline order, temporary at the beginning, supposedly fair and not gender based but almost certainly subtly defaulted in her favor.  It's your job hang in there, not give up.  I'm not trying to discourage you but just spelling out the reality many fathers face.  It's a marathon and not a sprint.

Largely the courts don't care about the conflict, they expect conflict in the early stages of settling into parenting.  They also expect the parents to get fed up waiting for court to do something and so the majority of cases settle just to move on with their lives.  Sadly, our sort of cases are not the majority. The court techniques that work for most don't faze our entitled ex-spouses/BFs/GFs.  They see themselves as The Authority.  It's been a long time since we had any influence, but family court is The Real Authority, though glacially slow.

I'm not saying you can't or won't come out on top, I'm just saying don't be surprised if things don't go your way.

My story... .I called 911 in 2005 when my then-spouse of nearly 15 years made death threats.  Eventually she was arrested and I got a protection order (TPO) and she was blocked from the house.  As soon as she got out on OR she went to family court to 'protect' herself from me, trying to make me look as bad as her.  Problem is, she included our preschooler in her ex parte motion.  At the hearing CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  (Nothing was said about her, no doubt because she had accused me there and the case against her was in another court that didn't handle children.)  Magistrate never mentioned the pending case against her, just asked, What are your work schedules?  Well, she claimed she "worked from home" (impossible at the time!) so of course she got temporary custody and majority time.  I got alternate weekends and a brief 3 hour visit in between.  Consequences?  No.

When the family court cases were dismissed she blocked all father-son contact, even phone calls, as the parent in possession without an order defining a schedule.  (Police would not help me, saying we had equal but undefined rights as parents.  I was told to return when I had a court order in hand, but they also said if I tried to see my son without a court order and she called them then they would rush to respond.  Not wanted to get arrested, I)  After a month of blocking I gave up on reconciliation and filed for divorce.  By the time I got the initial divorce hearing to set a temp order it was 3 full months blocked from my preschooler.  Magistrate - the same one we had before - asked her to confirm that.  Then he simply said, "I'll fix that" and put the same schedule back in place.  No consequences, no make-up time, no lecturing to her, not even a finger wagged at her.

I could continue with multiple examples as the years went by, every time the order was modified it was baby steps in my favor.  The last order was issued a half year ago and numerous references were made about mother's poor behaviors, disparagement of father in son's presence was the most common occurrence.  Nothing bad was said about me.  The new schedule was that I had majority time during the school year and equal time during the summer.  How did that new order after 8 years of conflict compare with the original 30-minute order?  In the old one I had 22% time.  In the new order she has 25% time during the school years and 50% time during the summer.  Despite all her misbehaviors over the years, she still had a more favorable schedule than I had when we got our first order! :'(

My point in writing all that was to demonstrate that court is not trying to be fair or insightful or delivering justice.  And if it does try to "teach her a lesson" it will be so muted and subtle (for her) that she won't recognize it due to her sense of overwhelming entitlement and need to be in control.  Court will be following laws, case law, procedures, polices, defaults, etc.  If she had majority parenting time in the past, the court will default to letting that continue until overwhelmingly demonstrated otherwise.  It will make sure, once you prove you are the father, that you do have some regular time with your child.  With a child under 3 years of age, it might default to a short alternate weekend for you plus 2-3 visits in between.  Since she's likely to make trumped up allegations, you may start off with even less until the court is satisfied you're not a child-eating ogre.

As many have noted here, it's not that you win your case but that she loses hers.  Still, the courts hate to make one parent feel the loser and let the other feel a winner, so you'll find that it often wants to choose a middle ground.  For that reason, ask for more than you think you'll get.  Why?  "If you don't ask for it you won't get it, but if you ask for it you might get it or some of it."