It just has to be this hard?

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

For a second... .just one second of this insanely twisted roller coaster of a ride, I thought I could hang on and weather through it. I realized over time that it had just gone too far and I need to heal myself before I could ever hang on for someone else's ride. The lack of respect, the inconsideration and just pure conditional love and care are enough to drive some one batty!

I have chosen to end my marriage with my un-dx BPDh. We made the decision 2 yrs ago. On a good day, he will whole hardheartedly agree. On a good day, he'll take responsibility for being a BPD and understands that he doesn't share his life with me. That he has very selfish and self righteous tendencies. That do to all of the emotional abuse, I have trust issues with him.  Those traits do not make a good marriage.

Upon making this decision, he received an opportunity of a lifetime. To own his own business in his career field. Something he had been talking about for the 14 years I've been with him. This opportunity was introduced to him with all the specifications he had wanted. He came home and asked me if he could do it. I knew that meant I would have to live with him until business picked up. We have 2 daughters 9 and 6. I'm a stay at home mom. (He is a great provider and doesn't not want me to stop being home with the girls). So I stayed. If I had said no, it would probably NEVER happen this way for him again. How could I be that person? So I made a selfless decision. 

The selfless decision has made me angry. I know why I stayed, and accept it its just his ability to just disregard what Ive done and the sacrifices the girls and I have made. Common consideration is so far beyond his abilities. I feel completely invisible. I don't know how to get through this with out losing more of myself. I find myself purely exhausted and run down dealing with more and more drama. Doing things with him and for him when I don't want to just to get through the moment. For example: I just finished working a 2 week camp for my kids. There were 60 kids in the camp and I ran half of it. It was a long 2 weeks but a very rewarding and wonderful time. I have not had time to relax. Its been surprises of things for me to do(where he puts me in these bad places where I can't say no!). I can't take time away from my family because my oldest deals with anxiety which is often times triggered by her sister. If the 2 of them get into a fight when I'm not around, its more than like I will receive a phone from my oldest hyper ventilating telling her dad is upsetting her. He's started to emotionally abuse her as well so I like to stay close. He's only allowed to take the girls one at a time.

I don't know how to get through this. I find myself searching and searching but I just get filled with anger and sadness. I find myself asking myself so many times, Why did I stay? When am I going to learn to say no?

His business has been open for a few months and already they are super successful. Within the next few months they should break even and then some. I'm happy for him and glad he is successful but at the same time wish there was a way I could better take care of myself.

Because I am tired and very impatient right now, it takes nothing to upset me. He surprised me today by telling me that he has invited his family over for a cookout on Sunday. This is now all of a sudden a "tradition" so I should obviously feel guilty for asking him not to do it. Sunday was the one day this week where nothing was planned. He's managed to take that day away from for the last 3 weeks. No wonder I'm tired.

Anyway, the situation got the best of me and I got angry and just yelled and yelled. Hoping that if I said the right hurtful thing it would trigger some response in his emotionless, cold face. Of course it didn't. He just sat there staring through me reminding me that all he cared about was that I was "yelling" at him.

Anyway, trying to wrap up my thoughts, I wrote this poem:

Sadness

It hurts

Isolated in space

I'm grasping at stars

Only to get burned

Over and over

The pain becomes expected

Expectation creates anger

And round and round I go

The angrier I get

The more I want to hurt back

The more I hurt back

The more hurt I feel

I don't know who I am at that moment

I just know I would rather feel anger

Than pure concentrated sadness

A sadness that runs so deep

It twists itself and wraps around my soul

It wants to devour me

Become me

It stabs my soul with its sharp knives

Slices open my heart

Just to watch me bleed

It loves to hate me

The anger is powerful

It enrages a dilussional strength

In the moment it creates a hero

In the end its just the sadness

Winning.

[I Am]

Hang in there Overwhelmed.  You are not alone.    Your poem is is powerful - tears- too close.  try to just take a breath before responding when you feel angry.  just one deep breath a few seconds inhale a few second holding and a few exhaling is enough to allow your brain to catch up with your heart so that you respond rather than react.  I am not saying i do this all the time.  my last interaction i failed.  i reacted.  But it does work when used.  I wish you all the best.  Hopefully the business will take off and you can do as you need to soon.  just know you are not alone.

[FindingWings]

Whew... .its as hard as I let it be? After reading a post from a member regarding expectations with the pwBPD's behavior, I come back to the same place- my role in the r/s I've exited. Im angry. Im angry at her... .at me. Im angry that I disregarded numerous red flags, alarm bells, etc. In the process I marched unknowingly but willingly into the place Im in now. It makes me feel like a total dumb #$. I'm especially upset that I went so far down the rabbit hole that I stopped doing the things I needed to take care of me. And I lost the ability to establish boundaries and be objective. You see, I have my own bag of demons and devils that persuade me to ignore reality while the pwBPD just rewrites the script. Pretty handy, huh? After talking to a friend whose background is LCSW, Ive read extensively about this disorder(and my own) and the depths and degrees of behavior that are the hallmarks. She and I had a conversation early on about our parents and what we perceived to be their dysfunction and the effect on us and sibs. She said something that made me squirm a bit at the time but is chilling in its implications. In hindsight, it pretty much sums up the tug-of-war that describes our r/s. I'm paraphrasing, but:

" I know from watching my Mom and Dads interaction that the person who loves the least holds the most power in a r/s."

How's THAT for a burning bush?

The poetry works... .be well and say your prayers if you're into that sort of thing. I am. Heck, Id wear a robe if I thought it would make me feel better. I suppose there are no shortcuts but Ive found some of the knowledge and understanding on this site to be key in helping me to help me.

[I Am]

" I know from watching my Mom and Dads interaction that the person who loves the least holds the most power in a r/s."

How's THAT for a burning bush?

Wow. Wilson    That is exactly how it feels to love mine.   She has the ability to just turn it off... .like a faucet.  I ignored all the flags myself... .

Hang in there and thanks for posting.