Should I ignore them when raging?/Perfect evening tainted

[Miss Topaz]

After a period of loving calm and a night of love and joy after I surprised him with a graduation dinner, my BPD bf blew up on the street outside a bar over something I don't even understand. I went home and he kept calling to abuse me, finally I got angry back cos I had no idea why his fight with a family member was my fault  but apparently it is my fault I didn't notice his cousin was upset. He has since unfollowed me on social media and texted me multiple times to say I 'ruined his vibe' and 'this relationship WAS toxic i'm tired of arguing. It's over.' We didn't even really argue and I was not even present for his rage at his family members so what he is saying is nonsensical. The whole evening was perfect and when it was over he blew up and is now saying it is over.

My reactions: Getting angry in one phone conversation (I know this was bad)

                    I have not responded to any of his texts.

Is this a good idea? Should I call him or leave it for another day?

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

Hi Miss Topaz.

I don't know why but something about surprises or the unexpected, seems to bring out the rages!

I suggest you let things calm down, but during the downtime, consider what kind of behavior is acceptable to you. Communicate this kindly but firmly to him, and then if he infringes on that, just explain calmly that the behavior is hurting you, and if it continues, you will have to leave the conversation/date/function for your own good. This is assertive, but not aggressive. He then has the choice to respect you or not.

As someone who has been married to someone with BPD for 14 blind years and now for some very seeing (due to this website) 6 separated months, this is called setting personal boundaries, and is much easier said than done :-)

He may rage at you, he may calm down, but you have maintained your own personal integrity towards yourself.

[Miss Topaz]

Thanks for response.

I didn't know about the surprise thing causing triggers.

I said to him 'There is nothing I can say right now to stop you being angry'

He said 'Yes there is. That's right accept we are over'

Me: 'I can't accept what I don't know. I cannot piece together how u got to where u are'

He won't explain what has caused him to suddenly blame me as when he tried to previously I was drunk and uninterested.

We are communicating via text. I am trying to send firm messages. Are the ones above on the right track?

I did leave him alone for many hours until he texted me.

[Moselle]

Thanks for response.

I didn't know about the surprise thing causing triggers.

I said to him 'There is nothing I can say right now to stop you being angry'

He said 'Yes there is. That's right accept we are over'

Me: 'I can't accept what I don't know. I cannot piece together how u got to where u are'

He won't explain what has caused him to suddenly blame me as when he tried to previously I was drunk and uninterested.

We are communicating via text. I am trying to send firm messages. Are the ones above on the right track?

I did leave him alone for many hours until he texted me.

I'm not sure if they really know themselves what triggers them. As soon as we get in to the circular arguments about who said what, and what caused it, and how they're done with the relationship, they have exercised control over us. And that is really what these conversations are about. Them controlling us through our emotions

Somewhere on this site (probably in the lessons on the RHS) is a technique called SET. Sympathy, Empathy and Truth. I've tried it with some success with my wife. But she cottoned on quickly and calls it "fairy talk" now. I just laugh, right there when she's raging, and she starts to swear and do all sorts of things. I'm learning how not to be triggered by it but it takes alot of effort, trial, and experimentation. But although she rages through it, I know that empathy pays off - internally they get it.

The sympathy and empathy is to let them know we are acknowledging them, not condoning or enabling the behaviour, and the truth is something we want them to consider. Eg, she rages and says "You are an arrogant... ." A SET response would be, "I'm sorry you're upset, that must be really difficult for you. You know one thing about arrogance - its easy to see in others, but difficult to see in ourselves."

By the way, if we lose it or validate it - it's called enabling, because it reinforces what is happening.

'I can't accept what I don't know. I cannot piece together how u got to where u are'

You might try. "I can see you're having a really difficult time, if I was in your shoes, I'd probably do the same, but just to be sure, I'd like to chat later when things have calmed down. I'll call you tomorrow morning"

'There is nothing I can say right now to stop you being angry'

OK this is a big one LOL. I'm guilt of co-dependence sometimes and fill the role of rescuer, so I can relate to this. We can't stop anything they do, and the sooner we get that the better. Best is to let them rage. It is their choice, and not our right to stop them. Our choice is to communicate our boundary. eg "The way you are speaking to me hurts, please speak in a softer tone. "I don't want to but if you continue, I'm going to have to leave - and then actually leave"

Sorry if this sounds like a lot of advice. I've been through 6 months of going from 0 knowledge of the is thing to 1-2% :-) Hope it helps

[Miss Topaz]

Thank you so much!


This is really helpful I hope to put it in use in future. But this depends if there is a future. After texting me on and off he informed me he won't be doing so again, he only did it cos he was 'weak' and that I 'shouldn't text him anymore'

He ended up explaining to me the problem :He told me something about his cousin ( v minor), I let slip (in part)to his cousin ( when drunk after a party), his cousin enraged that  my bf had told me something confidential flipped on him and he blames me for it all. I apologised for that  because I WAS at fault but he says we argue too much and split too much and so he is fed up. He won't admit we argue so much because of him and if he sought help most of our arguments could at least involve a call to a therapist after. I am seeing him this week. I don't know if it will be the end of things or if we will get back together and yes, I want to get back together as we were making progress on our 'normal' issues.

[123Phoebe]

Thank you so much!


He ended up explaining to me the problem :He told me something about his cousin ( v minor), I let slip (in part)to his cousin ( when drunk after a party), his cousin enraged that  my bf had told me something confidential flipped on him and he blames me for it all. I apologised for that  because I WAS at fault but he says we argue too much and split too much and so he is fed up. He won't admit we argue so much because of him and if he sought help most of our arguments could at least involve a call to a therapist after. I am seeing him this week. I don't know if it will be the end of things or if we will get back together and yes, I want to get back together as we were making progress on our 'normal' issues.

Sounds like there might be trust issues thrown in there, also.  What might seem very minor to one person, could be a huge deal to somebody else.  Especially with the flip-out he experienced from his cousin.

It's good that you apologized.  Was it heartfelt?

[Moselle]

Thank you so much!


This is really helpful I hope to put it in use in future. But this depends if there is a future. After texting me on and off he informed me he won't be doing so again, he only did it cos he was 'weak' and that I 'shouldn't text him anymore'

He ended up explaining to me the problem :He told me something about his cousin ( v minor), I let slip (in part)to his cousin ( when drunk after a party), his cousin enraged that  my bf had told me something confidential flipped on him and he blames me for it all. I apologised for that  because I WAS at fault but he says we argue too much and split too much and so he is fed up. He won't admit we argue so much because of him and if he sought help most of our arguments could at least involve a call to a therapist after. I am seeing him this week. I don't know if it will be the end of things or if we will get back together and yes, I want to get back together as we were making progress on our 'normal' issues.

Miss Topaz. I've been married for 14 years and had 3 children with someone, and I've been separated for 6 months. I knew something was wrong but only discovered this site after the separation. So my knowledge on BPD is only 6 months old.  I don't know if we have  a future either, but to be sure, knowing what I know now, I would not have entered this relationship 14 years ago, no matter what the good points were. But I have also realised my weakness as a co-dependent through all of this. I am attracted to a BPD for all the wrong reasons I'm afraid. In the beginning my wife idolised me, and I loved that because it covered for an insecurity I had about myself. It becomes a dance, with both parties switching between victim, persecutor, and rescuer. Please inform yourself effectively that you know what you're getting into if you decide to stay. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist familiar with BPD before making a "stay" decision.

[Miss Topaz]

Sounds like there might be trust issues thrown in there, also.  What might seem very minor to one person, could be a huge deal to somebody else.  Especially with the flip-out he experienced from his cousin.

It's good that you apologized.  Was it heartfelt?

Yes I my apology was heartfelt and I do think it was trust issues and yes he admited it would be less of an issue if his cousin hadn't flipped on him.

Miss Topaz. I've been married for 14 years and had 3 children with someone, and I've been separated for 6 months. I knew something was wrong but only discovered this site after the separation. So my knowledge on BPD is only 6 months old.  I don't know if we have  a future either, but to be sure, knowing what I know now, I would not have entered this relationship 14 years ago, no matter what the good points were. But I have also realised my weakness as a co-dependent through all of this. I am attracted to a BPD for all the wrong reasons I'm afraid. In the beginning my wife idolised me, and I loved that because it covered for an insecurity I had about myself. It becomes a dance, with both parties switching between victim, persecutor, and rescuer. Please inform yourself effectively that you know what you're getting into if you decide to stay. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist familiar with BPD before making a "stay" decision.

I have been seeing someone for CBT for my own issues and I'm in a better place and obs I sue this forum and tell a friend or two. I dunno I'm just not in that place yet tow ant it to end or even believe he truly wants it to end. Maybe that makes me an idiot.

[Moselle]

Hi Miss Topaz,

No it doesn't make you an idiot at all. I fully understand the heartwrenching staying/leaving decision. I'm very tenderhearted, and usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My guess is you have alot of courage judging by your desire to make things work. The difficult thing is that the good times are really amazingly good, and things work beautifully, then on a dime, it switches to screaming and mayhem. It takes a special person to be able to handle those swings. I'm battling with the same decision and I have 3 children to consider too - truly the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

[ziniztar]

How would you feel if you were ignored when you felt bad?

Ignoring is never a good option in my opinion. Let him know that you will repsect his need for space and that he can contact you whenever he wants (at some point, guilt, shame or fear kicks in). Let him know that you will check in with him in a few days - and do so.

It takes a lot of will power to do so, but this could take the edge off. Don't read too much into the wordings as they are a vehicle for his emotion.

Apart from trying to get back - how does his behaviour make you feel? Is he officially diagnosed or not, does he acknowledge his outbursts, etc?

[Miss Topaz]

Hi Miss Topaz,

No it doesn't make you an idiot at all. I fully understand the heartwrenching staying/leaving decision. I'm very tenderhearted, and usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My guess is you have alot of courage judging by your desire to make things work. The difficult thing is that the good times are really amazingly good, and things work beautifully, then on a dime, it switches to screaming and mayhem. It takes a special person to be able to handle those swings. I'm battling with the same decision and I have 3 children to consider too - truly the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

Thank you for this. I sometimes feel so stupid. So many people on here have all these strong ties to their significant other and I don't bar knowing them for several years and being best friends before we got together.

Ignoring is never a good option in my opinion. Let him know that you will repsect his need for space and that he can contact you whenever he wants (at some point, guilt, shame or fear kicks in). Let him know that you will check in with him in a few days - and do so.

It takes a lot of will power to do so, but this could take the edge off. Don't read too much into the wordings as they are a vehicle for his emotion.

Apart from trying to get back - how does his behaviour make you feel? Is he officially diagnosed or not, does he acknowledge his outbursts, etc?

I hate being ignored so I know ignoring is the wrong option but I don't know what to say when he says things like this

'We're not friends anymore. Btw I'm too busy this week to do your meet up. And tbh, I am not going to do it. So many times I have tried to end this and you try to squirm your way back in. You have had all the other break ups on your terms because you didn't let me do what I wanted to do. Now the tables have turned and this is going down my way. It is over. I am already moving on from you. And there is nothing you can do about it'

and that he has deleted my no. and thus the only contact that can now be had is if I contact him and therefore I am prolonging it.

I now know I have to chase him if I want a reconciliation and teh reactions I will get if it is not ta the right moment won't be pleasant.

His behaviour upsets me insomuch as I believe it every time even though I know if we get back together that he will admit to not really feeling this way. It frustrates me he thinks I am to blame for his triggers when I am not always 100% at fault. I always accept my responsibilty but he can't. When he can his solution is to push me away.

BPD was suggested to him last autumn and mood stabilizers prescribed but nothing more was discussed past the meds and now he has left uni he is without meds or a doctor who isn't useless. He embraces his depression diagnosis more than he does BPD. He is not receiving any help at the moment as he needs a GP (doctor) now he has moved back home.

[Miss Topaz]

Also I have read leaving him to it will make it easier for him to get over me 'out of sight, out of mind', should I push the meet up we agreed on because I know he isn't really busy so I can try and work through this or leave it?

[Miss Topaz]

I'm goin a lil stir crazy guys . the problem is i'm an impatient person so even adhering to no contact with him is like- why can't i just message them? I didn't delete his no.

[ziniztar]

What it is that you want? What feels best to you in this situation? Learn to trust and take responsbility for your own path. Although advice on these boards can be helpful to understand the BPD dynamics, you are the one taking the decision.

I know this is hard... .

How long have you guys been together?

[Miss Topaz]

Hey

Ithink I need to know how to deal with certain situations. At the moment I feel I need encouragement maybe to sit  tight. I do want us to reconnect but I dunno if it is wrong to reach out to them first?

Also we have been together for  over 18 months ( we don't live together though)

sorry if I sounded like a mess. I feel safer here to say how I really feel. I sometimes have to dumb it down with friends.

[123Phoebe]

Hey

Ithink I need to know how to deal with certain situations. At the moment I feel I need encouragement maybe to sit  tight. I do want us to reconnect but I dunno if it is wrong to reach out to them first?

Also we have been together for  over 18 months ( we don't live together though)

sorry if I sounded like a mess. I feel safer here to say how I really feel. I sometimes have to dumb it down with friends.

No need to apologize for sounding like a mess Miss Topaz (which you don't), we've all had to sit with our anxiety at one time or another.  It's hard!  It felt like the only way to relieve my icky feelings was to connect with him, when the person I needed to connect to was myself.  When I was able to find ways to self-soothe, bring myself down to my base-level contentedness, was the day I set myself free.

Do you have any hobbies or passions you've let slide or put on the back burner?

[Miss Topaz]

No need to apologize for sounding like a mess Miss Topaz (which you don't), we've all had to sit with our anxiety at one time or another.  It's hard!  It felt like the only way to relieve my icky feelings was to connect with him, when the person I needed to connect to was myself.  When I was able to find ways to self-soothe, bring myself down to my base-level contentedness, was the day I set myself free.

Do you have any hobbies or passions you've let slide or put on the back burner?

Thanks

I don't know tbh. The problem is I'm not exactly flush with cash at the mo so my life is pretty boring, filled with job hunting.  I do have a wedding to go to this weekend so I can try and enjoy myself there.

He posted on social media that he went to a poetry night ( something we usually do together) and he had a great time. When someone posted a song lyric about letting ur guard down and being willing to work on things  he said it was 'effort' flippantly. *sigh*

The wedding this weekend will help hopefully as I will have fun with family.

[hurthusband]

I am not sure if ignoring is a good idea. What if the problem is ourself?

I am so confused.  What if I am the problem?

My wife for instance wants a divorce and says im horrible... last night everything was fine.  this morning she held me.  I got up and got a shower, my alarm went off cause I forgot it was on.  It was on my phone in the bathroom with me.  Suddenly, it wakes her and im a ___ty inconsiderate husband and she needs away from me.

Im constantly told that I am a murderer for the abortion she had and its my fault.  all my fault. 

Whether i ruined her life or not, it doesnt matter cause it hurts that she blames me in her own mind.  I never wanted that.  I waited too long... nothing left.  I gave too much... in the end we both doomed

[thereishope]

Hi Miss Topaz,

No it doesn't make you an idiot at all. I fully understand the heartwrenching staying/leaving decision. I'm very tenderhearted, and usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My guess is you have alot of courage judging by your desire to make things work. The difficult thing is that the good times are really amazingly good, and things work beautifully, then on a dime, it switches to screaming and mayhem. It takes a special person to be able to handle those swings. I'm battling with the same decision and I have 3 children to consider too - truly the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

I am in the same boat and trying to manage my inner turmoil in the process... .

[ziniztar]

The wedding this weekend will help hopefully as I will have fun with family.

Try to get through the time.

You're in your twenties right, from the UK. You must know 9GAG and the Good Advice  Mallard. During our first cycle in March (our absolute and if it is up to me, lowest low to never return) I saw the Good Advice Mallard while browsing 9GaG and he mentioned:

Don't make decisions when you're angry.

Don't make promises when you're happy.

Whenever my dBPDbf tends to act upon his extreme emotions I remind him of this. And I remind myself sometimes too. Just try to get through time, spend time with your family, friends. Let it blow over. How does he feel when you talk again (if that happens). How does that make you feel?

Then, you get to decide. For now, don't wait. Live, your own life.

[an0ught]

Don't make decisions when you're angry.

Don't make promises when you're happy.

Sounds like sensible default boundaries = limits for yourself.