Broke nc

[Front runner]

Hi All,

4 months nc and I texted her. We talked on the phone for a bit. She'd moved on had been in a relationship (now broken up) for two months that I think overlapped with mine. Didn't want to meet or talk. Told me I was mentally ill. Said there was no future for us. Patronised me by saying she wouldn't meet up because it wouldn't be good for me. Having previously told me that she would meet up if I told her where I was now living. Then said she was too busy. Toying with me.

Result is I feel awful. But the call was necessary as I was holding on in some hope. I still am holding on somehow and I need these feelings to be quashed. I heard it all from the horses mouth. She doesn't care. She projected all her mental illness onto me (undoubtedly I am mentally ill). Blamed break up on me, hence the no future comment. Played with me. Told me shed been dating someone for two months but had broken up. Said she thought about me but made it clear she didn't want to meet or reconcile.

Please help me let go. Why can't I still do this. Everyone I talk to says 'can't you see this is over' she couldn't be saying it more clearly. How can I accept this. I am thinking because of her disorder she will come back round at some point. I need to get out of this hole. Anyone else been here?

[KeepOnGoing]

If you're like me, you're holding onto the fragments. The little bits and crumbs like, "I thought about you." I sometimes feel like that scene from the Jim Carrey movie when the girl told him he had maybe one chance in 1 million and he got excited about that one chance. That's what we do with these types of people. We grab on to the one chance in 1 million that it'll be the way it was.

[Hopeless777]

If you're like me, you're holding onto the fragments. The little bits and crumbs like, "I thought about you." I sometimes feel like that scene from the Jim Carrey movie when the girl told him he had maybe one chance in 1 million and he got excited about that one chance. That's what we do with these types of people. We grab on to the one chance in 1 million that it'll be the way it was.

Yes, holding on to "one chance in a million." That's me! I never give up, no matter how bleak it looks. Probably I'm mentally ill as well. I don't know. I'm facing my demons, she's not. 8 weeks out its very sad with lawyers now and money flying out the door. I'm having violent dreams. I'm a mess, but I won't roll over! I have some dignity and self-worth.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm so sorry you're hurting Front Runner.  I broke NC a lot.  It's been just over three weeks this time.  Longest ever.  I believe he's involved with someone else.  So hopefully that will cure me.  Just too humiliating.  First of all DON'T beat yourself up for it.  If we all handled this perfectly there would be no need for this site.  I can also tell you that every single time I did I felt much worse afterwards.  I was hoping for... .something... .and I never got it.  A friend (from BPD Family) told me she finally made a vow to herself that she was NEVER going to put herself in a position where he could reject her again.  And she hasn't.  He has reached out to her but she has not initiated.  

This is all terribly hard to accept.  I know how much you want her to come back around but I can tell you from personal experience that has the potential to cause you a great deal more pain.  I think we need to work on our self worth.  Somehow convince ourselves that we deserve so much more than this.  Get to a point where we don't want them to come back... .because we deserve better.  

[Tausk]

I'm sorry you're still suffering.  It's not uncommon.  I understand.  I lived in limerence for a long time.  I had to give up all hope that my ex would ever get better.  Being stuck between hope/uncertainty that things might change is basically being in the bargaining phase of grieving.  I stayed in that phase for years, and still move into it once in a while.  

It's sadly part of the PTSD and the trauma bond and the incongruence of trying to put rational actions on someone who is Bat Sh-t Crazy.   I know I stayed in the fantasy that things might change for a long time. And part of the issue was that's how I learned to survive my childhood.  I had trauma that I didn't know how to deal with, so all I could do was suppress the feelings, and hope/fantasize that one day things would change.  

It's how I learned to grieve.  But it's not appropriate as an adult.  :)o you know how to grieve?  I'm just beginning to learn.

So I ask for the strength to accept and let go daily. And I try to remind myself that my ex will never get better.  It really just doesn't happen.

But recovery will come for us who are working at ourselves and willing to take responsibility.  It will come.  Have faith and try and suffer less.  If you need send me your pain.  I'm a good spot and can absorb some.

In support

T

[Caredverymuch]

Being stuck between hope/uncertainty that things might change is basically being in the bargaining phase of grieving.  I stayed in that phase for years, and still move into it once in a while. 

It's sadly part of the PTSD and the trauma bond and the incongruence of trying to put rational actions on someone who is Bat Sh-t Crazy.   I know I stayed in the fantasy that things might change for a long time.   



So I ask for the strength to accept and let go daily. And I try to remind myself that my ex will never get better.  It really just doesn't happen.

But recovery will come for us who are working at ourselves and willing to take responsibility.  It will come.  Have faith and try and suffer less. 

Frontrunner,

You asked if anyone else has been where you are? We all have. Every one of us. It hurts my heart to read posts from our group of supporters where I can not only see the words but I can hear the pain. I hear your pain. I've lived that pain, right where you are emotionally.  You are going through a process. It's not a fair one.

Trausk is spot on. Grieving is a process that only time directs. I've slipped back in between the stages at times too. Clearly the hopeful stage that things would change mixed with uncertainty as to why it was all happening lasted the longest.  It does get better. I never thought it could. But it does.

Use the tools here and keep posting, asking questions, seeking support.  The disorder doesn't get better. It really doesn't happen. They don't change or get better. We do.

[Overbeck]

One of the few areas I am strong at is maintaining NC. Now that I know she has been with someone else that is even more fortified in my mind.

Borderlines feed off humiliation of their exes. It gives them a sense of safety and dominance---both necessary to feed their survivalist instincts. Every time one of us breaks NC, we hand them the autonomy to emotionally damage us some more.

This is the one rule all of us must abide by if we are to heal and move on. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should we ever break NC. It is a losing proposition. 

[Front runner]

I'm sorry you're still suffering.  It's not uncommon.  I understand.  I lived in limerence for a long time.  I had to give up all hope that my ex would ever get better.  Being stuck between hope/uncertainty that things might change is basically being in the bargaining phase of grieving.  I stayed in that phase for years, and still move into it once in a while.  

It's sadly part of the PTSD and the trauma bond and the incongruence of trying to put rational actions on someone who is Bat Sh-t Crazy.   I know I stayed in the fantasy that things might change for a long time. And part of the issue was that's how I learned to survive my childhood.  I had trauma that I didn't know how to deal with, so all I could do was suppress the feelings, and hope/fantasize that one day things would change.  

It's how I learned to grieve.  But it's not appropriate as an adult.  :)o you know how to grieve?  I'm just beginning to learn.

So I ask for the strength to accept and let go daily. And I try to remind myself that my ex will never get better.  It really just doesn't happen.

But recovery will come for us who are working at ourselves and willing to take responsibility.  It will come.  Have faith and try and suffer less.  If you need send me your pain.  I'm a good spot and can absorb some.

In support

T

Thank You Tausk.  I don't know how to grieve.  This is definitely the problem.  I too have major issues from childhood supressing emotions in the hope that one day things would be better.  I have been working hard with my T on this.  The letting go and acceptance is the key.  Letting go would mean grieving and I don't know how to do this so my mind forces me back into fantasy land.  Problem now is fantasy land is completely barren and no one's there. so the pressure becomes greater, or the madness starts to take over.  I cant seem to get angry or sad.  Just bonkers.  I will take you up on your kind offer and send you over some of myt pain if you are in a position to accept it. That is extremely kind of you!One day I will return the favor for you so feel free to send it over.  Just not yet

[Front runner]

and yes please if anyone has any tips on how to grieve I would love that.

Thanks

[Front runner]

One of the few areas I am strong at is maintaining NC. Now that I know she has been with someone else that is even more fortified in my mind.

Borderlines feed off humiliation of their exes. It gives them a sense of safety and dominance---both necessary to feed their survivalist instincts. Every time one of us breaks NC, we hand them the autonomy to emotionally damage us some more.

This is the one rule all of us must abide by if we are to heal and move on. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should we ever break NC. It is a losing proposition. 

Chiefsalsa,

I agree with you completely on this.  But, it seemed in my case after 4 months no contact that I had allowed the fantasy to take over again.  Waiting for a call or anything.  Obsessing that one day soon we would reunite.  To the point where i started to really believe it.  Then as time went on and the phone call didn't come I'd crash again and again. Like I was recycling the relationship but just with myself.  So I thought after that much time I could get an answer out of her to stop me going round this hamster wheel. My need to get off the wheel was greater than anything else at this point.

[BacknthSaddle]

Hi All,

4 months nc and I texted her. We talked on the phone for a bit. She'd moved on had been in a relationship (now broken up) for two months that I think overlapped with mine. Didn't want to meet or talk. Told me I was mentally ill. Said there was no future for us. Patronised me by saying she wouldn't meet up because it wouldn't be good for me. Having previously told me that she would meet up if I told her where I was now living. Then said she was too busy. Toying with me.

We have all been here my friend.  I have been on similar calls more than once (although mine usually wants to talk, the more opportunity to devalue me). I have to remind myself of this: if I really want a person who talks to me like this to be my partner, it must mean that I think I deserve to be talked to that way. And I until I can get past that nonsense, I'm not going to get over this toxic person.