Strike three, I'm out

[Youcantfoolme]

So my day has finally come. I have made my third and final attempt to reach out to my brother who I've had no contact with, for over 9 months because of his BPD wife. I gave myself a date in which I give him until, to contact me. I even waited a few extra days and now I give up. I know this may sound totally screwed up to some of you and I'll explain why I did this.

I haven't spoken with my brother, except for two times in the last 9 months like I've already said. The last time I spoke with him was back in April, when he showed up to my home during a really heated battle with his uBPD wife. He wanted to reconcile after 6 months of not speaking. I agreed. We hardly got a chance to talk however because his wife was bombarding him with phone calls. She didn't know he was at my house and wouldn't have been happy had she known. He told me our relationship would have to be hidden from his wife for a while. I agreed but didn't hear from him for almost a month. Had my mother not said anything to him then I don't think I ever would've heard from him again. I replied to his email telling him I wasn't exactly comfortable with having to sneak around to talk to him and that I didn't understand why his wife hated me so much that she wouldn't  allow even him to speak with me. I was hoping it would push him to put his foot down with his wife. That or at least he'd explain what was really going on. He came to resolve things that day on the advice of his therapist. The therapist told him that if he wants to have a relationship with his family then he shouldn't let anyone stand in his way. He never responded to my email. To be honest I really don't even feel like I should have welcomed him back so easy into my life that day but I did because MY love for my family is unconditional.

I saw them twice after that day, at two different family functions. He didn't even acknowledge me, my son or my husband. It was very hurtful to be there with him and not be able to speak with him. After the party I tried to friend request him on Facebook. I blocked him a long time ago because his paranoid wife thought everything I wrote, had some hidden cryptic message about her. (I wasn't the only one either, she thought many family members were doing it). For example, I took an artistic picture of my engagement ring and new wedding ring after I had them cleaned one day and she thought I was trying to "show her up"! The funny part is she couldn't see any of this from her page because we were never friends on Facebook. She was stalking my page through my brothers page and then later through his ex girlfriends page (my brother had her password). Anyway I tried sending a request to him to try to open some like of communication. To my amazement he accepted it... .not for long though. The very next day his acct was deactivated. A few days later he reappeared but have "unfriended" me.

That was the second strike in my mind. The last one was my last attempt to reach out. Our mother is turning 60 this year and I told him I was planning a surprise party. This was back in April when he showed up at my house. My mom is having her own issues with his wife too but I didn't want him to feel excluded (even though I was excluded and not invited to their wedding). Again I feel like I am trying to open the door. I sent the invitation to his house with the RSVP date being yesterday. I never heard back from him. Instead I am now blocked on Facebook altogether. I was even sent something by a family member  that his wife posted. It was some quote about staying silent and not answering people. She posted it as her cover photo, on the RSVP date. I know it's aimed towards me and the invite. I however, refuse to take her bait. I'm done. When  my brother and I reconciled and I wrote him the email, I told him even though I'm not comfortable sneaking around, I'd ALWAYS be here if he needed me. I'm not sure I will be at this point. I'm so unbelievably hurt. I have done so, so, so, so much for him and I can't believe how easily he will turn his back on me. I don't feel like he owes me anything besides the same unconditional love I have showed towards him.

This is one of the hardest decisions to make but I feel he needs some tough love. Maybe he needs to know what it's like to have nobody there to catch you when you fall. I've let him walk all over me and sling me in the mud enough. I tried to make things  better but I struck out. It just sucks but it's something I have to do. How many times can someone be rejected?

[Daliah]

You've tried enough. It seems like your going NC wouldn't require more than to stop trying to establish contact.

While I think you're not only justified in going NC but actually should do it, it seems you're still doing it to show him ("... .he needs some tough love.". It may not show him anything since he isn't even in contact with you from his end. In fact, when you cease trying to make contact, it may feel like a reprieve to him since his wife will have less reason to get on his case about you. If you want to make something clear to him, it may be best to do so either with direct words for one last time, or through actions if and when he tries to contact you again, i.e. by not being there for him to listen and talk to yet again. If this happens, you can of course agree to a relationship conditionally - and if he doesn't keep up his end, declare it over again for your own sake.

From your post it isn't clear whether you've ever made it clear to him how you feel about his treatment of you. The closest you seem to have come appears to be the talk in April, but you also say that it was he who wanted to reconcile (which comes across as him making the decision and you going along) and that you hardly got a chance to talk. So you probably hardly had a chance to give him your point of view.

If you haven't told him how his treatment of you makes you feel in clear, direct words and that, because of it, you have finally decided to stop being "on standby" for him to have a normal sibling relationship with should he ever feel like it, this is probably a good time to do so - if you still feel like you want to do something.

That said, you're under no obligation to do anything anymore before you make up your mind not to be on standby for the rest of your days for if and when he feels he needs your companionship again. He has been acting badly enough for long enough to tell you that your friendship is of little to no consequence to him.

I'm sure you will benefit from declaring it over if you don't cling on to hopes of it changing him.

[ThrowAwayChild]

Stinks to used, doesn't it?  That might be what your brother is doing to you but only when he is at his wit's end. 

Like the poster above, I say it sounds like maybe, possibly, you have never said "Bro.  What the heck do you think you are doing?"

[pessim-optimist]

That must be really painful to be receiving the cold shoulder from your own brother, and I don't blame you if you've had enough... .

What's your brother like in general? Is he the type that avoids difficult subjects, or is he normally fine discussing hot topics?

Do you think he's just terrified of his wife, or do you get the impression that he could care less about you?

Were you close in the past?

[Youcantfoolme]

What's your brother like in general? Is he the type that avoids difficult subjects, or is he normally fine discussing hot topics?

Do you think he's just terrified of his wife, or do you get the impression that he could care less about you?

Were you close in the past?

Generally speaking, my brother is a good guy. He's the typical "nice guy". At the same time he can't be somewhat selfish and self centered. I would also describe him as non confrontational. He avoids conflict but isn't afraid to voice his opinion when need be. I'd say typically he doesn't have or cause much conflict in his life but any time in the past that we've had issues, we have NEVER gone more than a week without discussing them.

Do I think he's terrified of his wife? ABSOLUTELY! For example, about a month or so into them meeting and dating, she had quit smoking. My brother tried to quit too but wasn't able to. He would always be hiding to smoke. One time when we were together he got in his car and was frantically trying to cover up the smoke odor. He was wiping antibacterial lotion all over his mouth, on his hands and spraying cologne all over as well as chewing gum. I asked him why he was so afraid to just tell her he was having trouble quitting and he replied, "you don't understand, SHE':) KILL ME!" He was right, I didn't understand. I can see her being concerned but breaking up with someone over that seems a little extreme. It's not like he was booting black tar heroin! He's shown this fear many times. He also told me she'd be extremely livid had she known he came to my house that day. I'd think a "normal" spouse would be more supportive and understanding. Instead of flipping out about the cigarettes, help support him and think of ways to help him quit.

And yes, we were very close our whole lives. We hung out a lot and he always used to let me tag along with his friends and him when we were young. I helped him out a lot prior to meeting his current wife, when he found out his ex was cheating. I guess that's what makes this so hurtful!

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, that explains a lot. And I can see how terribly hurtful it must be for you... .

I see this as a case of his wife's jealousy over the relationship you and your brother had in the past. And wanting to destroy that r/s altogether.

You say he is terrified of his wife, and as a "nice guy" who wants to avoid trouble, he just might be trying to please her with doing what she tells him to do. He might be really sad that he and you can't be close, but at the same time, he is not willing to destroy his marriage over it.

As hurtful as your brother's silence is, please bear with me and let me point out another side of this whole picture: if you "cut him off" in turn, you'll just be finishing what your sister-in-law started and she will be happy to have safely pushed you out of the way.

I don't really see your brother as "rejecting you", rather I see him as being weak and hoping that she might change her mind if he plays along for long enough, and hoping that he will be able to re-establish contact with you sometime in the future under more peaceful circumstances. He is probably being unrealistic, and your relationship suffers in the meantime.

In light of that, are you still in favor of cutting him off, or are you willing to consider other options?

[Youcantfoolme]

I don't really see your brother as "rejecting you", rather I see him as being weak and hoping that she might change her mind if he plays along for long enough, and hoping that he will be able to re-establish contact with you sometime in the future under more peaceful circumstances. He is probably being unrealistic, and your relationship suffers in the meantime.

As far as I know, this is dead on, exactly what he's thinking will happen. In face he keeps telling my mom, "baby steps", however 4 months have gone by and he hasn't even taken a half a baby step. Like I said, I tried reaching out to him in hopes of getting some type of explanation and understanding if what's going on but he hasn't given me as much as a word. I do know that she "feel threatened by the close relationship we had". Why that threatens her, I don't know and I don't understand it. I guess because my non-BPD brain understands the love you have for your family, is completely different than the love you have for a spouse. I wish he'd just explain that to me.

Am I still in favor of cutting him off? Well I can't really say being that it seems I'm the one who's "cut off". In my mind, if he kept some line of communication with us and explained why it's taking her so long to get over, whatever it is she's dealing with, then I'd maybe be more patient and understanding. Leaving us in the dark, is leaving us to speculate and making things way worse. We are starting to think his wife has some serious mental issues and we ate concerned for his mental well being. This isn't going to make anyone accept her or like her. The more he hides, the worse off he's making the situation. We can't even so much as have a discussion about it with him.

[pessim-optimist]

Am I still in favor of cutting him off? Well I can't really say being that it seems I'm the one who's "cut off".

Being ignored by a loved one for whatever reason is one of the most painful experiences. And your anger and sadness are both valid.

In my mind, if he kept some line of communication with us and explained why it's taking her so long to get over, whatever it is she's dealing with, then I'd maybe be more patient and understanding. Leaving us in the dark, is leaving us to speculate and making things way worse. We are starting to think his wife has some serious mental issues and we ate concerned for his mental well being. This isn't going to make anyone accept her or like her. The more he hides, the worse off he's making the situation. We can't even so much as have a discussion about it with him.

True. And I don't blame you if you feel upset, worried, and want to give up trying to reach him, because he doesn't respond. You still have to options: you can slam the door shut (hurt him back because he hurt you) or, you can leave the door open: "Bro, I love you and I miss you. We are all worried and upset that we can't communicate with you. I feel like I have lost you and it hurts. If we 'baby step' at this pace, how long is it going to take before we can talk again? It hurts too much to keep trying to reach you and only meet with silence. So, I will stop, but I want you to know that I am here and I would love to hear from you. Sis"