Prep for next encounter

[calmboom]

I am feeling a bit anxious about the next encounter with my uBPD BF. We have been together 6 years. The day before the last dysregulation he told me he was thinking of marriage.

After a big dysregulation, he left, went ST, and after 9 days sent a txt regarding returning to continue with a house project in the upcoming weeks.  But no word of wanting to talk about anything else.

I know we will speak eventually as he still has many of his personal items at my house.  I am feeling anxiety not knowing if he is truly done or just needed to go off for awhile.  Should I continue to stay quiet until he resurfaces?   This is the longest separation in 6 years.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[motherof1yearold]

Sorry to hear that!

Right now it seems sort of like a push/pull or power play... .he feels 'in control' because you are left hanging, not knowing where you stand in the relationship.

Also sorry to hear about you feeling anxious.

Honestly, 9 days is a LONG time to not know what is going on. I think you should decide what YOU want to do at this point. If you want to continue the relationship, it should be made clear that you won't tolerate this ST. It isn't an ultimatum , but setting boundaries rather.

[123Phoebe]

Honestly, 9 days is a LONG time to not know what is going on. I think you should decide what YOU want to do at this point. If you want to continue the relationship, it should be made clear that you won't tolerate this ST. It isn't an ultimatum , but setting boundaries rather.

It's really about our preferences and choices.  How is someone to know where we stand if we don't even know where we are ourselves?

A value and boundary might be:  Respectable communication is important to me.  I cannot handle silent treatment; I find it abusive.  Therefore, I will not commit myself to a person that finds ST an acceptable way to communicate.

Have you responded to his latest text?  Is this an acceptable way to communicate?

[calmboom]

Hi, yes I did respond back to his text.   He responded back by text that he had to change the dates when he was available to work on the house project and that he was sorry he made an error on the dates.  Since then nothing.  I feel reduced to an obligation, a house project that he had started and feels guilty about finishing.  I want to know what is up with the r/s.  No contact has been made about that.  I've been waiting, thinking that would be best to give him space if he needed to calm but I didn't expect it would last more than a few days.  I want to reach out and make contact but I am conflicted that this wouldn't be wise.  Looking at the phone... .

[123Phoebe]

I feel reduced to an obligation, a house project that he had started and feels guilty about finishing.  I want to know what is up with the r/s.  Looking at the phone... .

A watched pot never boils   Ugh, I feel for you here calmboom

I wonder what would happen if you told him how you feel?  It's can feel scary to speak our truth, believe me I know... .  Progress wasn't made until I got serious about how I felt though.

If it's any consolation, it's pretty normal for a pwBPD to distance themselves after getting close.  And marriage talk?  Oh boy, it doesn't get much closer than that.

What would you like to say to him?  Maybe working through it on the board will help