7 days NC, she broke

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Well, I thought I'd be the lucky one. I ended contact 7 days ago with my crazy, cheating, BPD ex. Sent a long text saying never contact me again no matter what and said how crappy she was. She didn't even reply to it.

Woke up this morning, got a text from her that just said "hi".

Was really hoping I was a lucky one and wouldn't have to deal with her contacting me again.

Because now I'm going to ignore it, and she does not like being ignored, so this could escalate further and I really don't want that or anything to do with her. I still have open wounds and pure anguish for her and everything that happened.

What do I do?

[eagle755]

Well, I thought I'd be the lucky one. I ended contact 7 days ago with my crazy, cheating, BPD ex. Sent a long text saying never contact me again no matter what and said how crappy she was. She didn't even reply to it.

Woke up this morning, got a text from her that just said "hi".

Was really hoping I was a lucky one and wouldn't have to deal with her contacting me again.

Because now I'm going to ignore it, and she does not like being ignored, so this could escalate further and I really don't want that or anything to do with her. I still have open wounds and pure anguish for her and everything that happened.

What do I do?

[Ventus2ct]

Why not just "block" her number, that way you won't have to worry about it.

[eagle755]

Because att charges you to have blocking, really stupid.

Either way, she's crazy, and will find a way.

[Ventus2ct]

Because att charges you to have blocking, really stupid.

Either way, she's crazy, and will find a way.

Fair enough then, seems a small price to pay. iPhone here and easy to block and free!

It's up to you then but I'd ignore it, if it escalates then you'll be prepared for it and can act accordingly. I would advocate NC just like others.

[eagle755]

Oh yes, definitely nc. As much as I want to get things off my chest and blow up with pure anger because of how much hate I have for her, I know it wouldn't matter because of how they are.

Hate to also say, I'm somewhat curious to what she has to say, maybe it's important, who knows. Because to have the audacity to text me? That just makes me angry in itself.

[gtrhr]

True, AT&T does charge I've used that service before and it's good, they cannot even get to voicemail I believe.  Then she would try my work number.  Then when I wouldn't answer that she tried email.  Also as ventus pointed out the latest iPhone software has free blocking built in.  So do a lot of other Android phones.  See what your handset supports.

I have mixed feelings about using those features though as part of the NC plan.  Sometimes I think it's better to go the long periods of time knowing she's not contacting me, then if I did get the occasional "Hey" I know it's just bait.  It keeps me from going mental thinking every day, "oh what if she's contacting me and I missed something."

Part of me feels if I am doing NC I should have the discipline to ignore any and all attempts at contact.

There have been times where I'm doing NC against all desire to do so and so blocking the number was better then.

If I really look at it though, getting to the point of NC with my ex gf meant that I had tried and tried, and hoped she would reach out to me in some meaningful way, and she could express how harmful her behavior had been to the relationship.  I wanted to allow for this.  I didn't *really* want NC even though it was what I was doing.

On one occasion I set the bar really high and really didn't want to hear from her.  She kept trying to get in touch and finally I really told her off and said to leave me alone unless she wanted to respond to all of the harmful actions she had done.  She wrote me several well thought out apology letters.  I took her back too quickly and have never seen an effort like that again.  And I'm certain I never will. Even looking at those letters though there was not the depth of empathy or the sense she wasn't capable of doing the same things over and over again.

I have decided for me true No Contact means having no interest anymore in what this person has to say, even if they have made great strides in understanding themselves and would want to present that side to us.  We should be able to block them or not and it make no difference to whether or not we respond.

For me anyhow it will take a lot of discipline to get there.

[myself]

She doesn't like being ignored. You don't like crazy cheating BPD crap.

You asked her to never contact you again (but she disrespectfully did).

Would responding to her give the message, "I didn't really mean it"?

Many of us here have seen our exes ramp it up no matter how we responded/not responded. It's part of the disorder to act out like that. Many have also seen how less responses lead to less attempts.

What do you do now? If you're done with her, stay done. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Live your life. It doesn't do you much good to keep interacting with somebody who treated you so badly.

[eagle755]

I can totally agree on not blocking them just to know they're trying to talk to you and it makes you feel better knowing how desperate they can be for you, and it's like the one time we ever get empathy or anything.

And I've learned my lesson on her, there's no way I'll ever get back with her.

She spent the night at a guys house, two nights in a row(says they did nothing, but we all know), halfway through our relationship. Didn't talk to me, ignored a million of my calls. It was literally for no reason, and she lied about it so horribly hard. I had to find out from her friend where she was. She tried guilting me when I finally found out. So I was like fk this, and left the sht out of her. Then she begged me back, and got me a 600 dollar engagement ring.

I stupidly went back to her, but didn't accept the ring, even for the next 6 months I didn't accept it. I was way to cautious after that.

So that was sort of my last straw. Then she went and slept with some ugly looking redneck which is where everything really ended.

The 2nd chance phase is long gone for me.

I just see a lot of posts of people having a very rough time with their ex contacting them in every way possible, and I really don't want that. I guess if she doesn't somehow try contacting me again(most likely guilting me in some way for ignoring her) I'll just blow up on her. And maybe she'll learn... .for next 7 days-_-

[Ventus2ct]

I can totally agree on not blocking them just to know they're trying to talk to you and it makes you feel better knowing how desperate they can be for you, and it's like the one time we ever get empathy or anything.

I guess if she doesn't somehow try contacting me again(most likely guilting me in some way for ignoring her) I'll just blow up on her. And maybe she'll learn... .for next 7 days-_-

Eagle, it's almost as if you want her to contact you despite saying otherwise. It's either over or it isn't in your mind/heart?

I was just like you and I drove myself round the bend over it, why waste the energy on her? Spend it on yourself, you're a much better investment!

[Karmachameleon]

I have my ex blocked, so he just keeps getting pre-paid phones so I don't recognize the numbers or texting me from other people's phones.  He should be in the Secret Service or something. 

[willtimeheal]

I have my ex blocked, so he just keeps getting pre-paid phones so I don't recognize the numbers or texting me from other people's phones.  He should be in the Secret Service or something. 

I am sorry he is doing this. It did make me chuckle the way you said the secret service. Thanks for the chuckle I needed it.

[eagle755]

My two year relationship with her ended only two months ago, so obviously there's still a lot of weird emotions going on, and no closure or anything amongst that.

The most faithful girl in the world, turned completely opposite over night and turned on me. The normal BPD break up

All I have right now is this board, a lot of friends, and surfing to keep my mind away from it. I've been doing well for the most part, I'm growing and moving forward better than a lot of people.

I just have my times, and some things help.

[Ventus2ct]

Eagle, I understand, am a little further along (only 3 months NC) I found the 2 month mark particularly hard so can comprehend what you're going through. Good days and bad days, the bad days get less as time moves forward, I thought the pain would never end, it's still there but lessens every day, little by little.

You will get there, keep on the board and try not to beat yourself up over it all, you will be in such a better place further down the line, just got to believe in yourself.

Stay strong!

[NorthLight]

I feel you bro, we went through pretty much same story + same breakup. Do not respond. Do not give her anything, not even an answer.

My exBPD did NC for a month (after she dumped me out of the blue), then suddenly last week she wrote me a very long confusing letter about how sorry she felt and how good i was to her (she was suddenly idealizing me again - what the heck), and regretted she said we could never meet/speak again. I didn't reply, and the next day, she was outside my door crying. I let her in, she cried for a long time, then I broke down (damn, even tho i have found out about BPD and that she is nuts, i still missed her, u know?) so i started crying, and then she switched mood, and was suddenly all happy, saying "thanks, you really saved my life and gave me everything. Now i can move on, and I feel this break up was so the right thing to do". I asked if she could stay 5 more minutes, because i got very emotional and she responded "no sorry I'm gonna go meet a friend now, but thanks for the last 2 years, and good bye forever" then she laughed and walked out (where is the empathy for me?) on me while i sat there crying (just like she did the day she dumped me) and again I felt abandoned.

So... stay away from her. BPD is so black / white, up / down, you never know their next move!

[willtimeheal]

I was recycled many many times. I allowed it. I was dumped by her two days ago. She still texts and says she wants a.life with me. It's different this time. I am different. She was very verbally abusive a few nights ago. I haven't seen that side of her in well over a year. And then when she dumped me the way she did it. Calling me names and having the put downs continue something switched in me. She is ugly to me now. I used to look at her and see this beautiful woman. Gorgeous woman. I used wonder why she wanted me. And now I look at her and I no longer think she is beautiful. She is ugly. Who she is is ugly.   I am no longer prisoner to her beauty. For the  time I see who she really is and letting her go is easier. I know it will be hard at times. But I am thankful right now and realize how lucky I am. Does that make any sense?

[gtrhr]

I liken "I want a life with you" to signs on a telephone pole saying, "Stay at home and you can earn $10,000 a month"

It is the type of thing my BPD ex likes to use as bait.  But we're NOT fish in ponds.  We don't have to respond to bait and get reeled in and thrown back in!

We can be like a granite rock face.  In fact I think it helps me to think of myself as the more stable, unchanging one in this relationship.  Because I have been.  Based upon their pattern of abuse it should be up to them to really PROVE themselves worthy of our love.  Not the other way around.  Make the BPD use something a little tougher than that weak-a$$ grappling hook to get to you.  Come at me with the long ropes and titanium spikes and maybe I won't eject you at the base of this cliff.

Sincerely though we need to set our standards much much higher before we even allow them to say words that are too familiar.

I have myself been seduced by this same line countless times, realized it and still not blocked her out of my life.  Well 2 weeks ago I heard the same thing yet again, with no follow through.  So you know, you can just expect more bait and switch.  There needs to be a lot more behind that phrase than just those easy to say words.

At this point for me it's more about what is not being said.

[eagle755]

You guys make some great points.

The beauty thing I can agree with. I still see that beauty because she is a really hot girl, And it sucks knowing this girl I thought so highly of, was just used for sex by some other guy. It makes me ridiculously angry.

Now I am starting to see the ugly though, you can look at her and see the craziness in her eyes. Its creepy.

And I've definitely learned my lesson, she's come crying to me before, but then instantly switch to someone else as soon as I give her empathy, and I receive no empathy once I'm emotional.

Its so sickening.

Luckily I've found a new girl, she's going through something similar, so having someone there for me, really really helps.

[BacknthSaddle]

I was recycled many many times. I allowed it. I was dumped by her two days ago. She still texts and says she wants a.life with me. It's different this time. I am different. She was very verbally abusive a few nights ago. I haven't seen that side of her in well over a year. And then when she dumped me the way she did it. Calling me names and having the put downs continue something switched in me. She is ugly to me now. I used to look at her and see this beautiful woman. Gorgeous woman. I used wonder why she wanted me. And now I look at her and I no longer think she is beautiful. She is ugly. Who she is is ugly.   I am no longer prisoner to her beauty. For the  time I see who she really is and letting her go is easier. I know it will be hard at times. But I am thankful right now and realize how lucky I am. Does that make any sense?

I relate to the idea of being a prisoner of my exes beauty. I wish something atrocious would happen sometimes so I could see the ugliness of who she is all at once as you describe. For me it has been a more gradual process, with who she is slowly eroding my opinion of her appearance. There are setback though.

I liken "I want a life with you" to signs on a telephone pole saying, "Stay at home and you can earn $10,000 a month"

It's funny, my ex said this to me, and is never heard it before. That particular phrasing. It was so intoxicating. It reeks of fantasy, doesn't it? "I want a life with you" is so different than "I want to spend my life with you." The latter implies an independent agent with a fully formed self. The former is just a penny thrown into a fountain.

[BacknthSaddle]

You guys make some great points.

The beauty thing I can agree with. I still see that beauty because she is a really hot girl, And it sucks knowing this girl I thought so highly of, was just used for sex by some other guy. It makes me ridiculously angry.

Now I am starting to see the ugly though, you can look at her and see the craziness in her eyes. Its creepy.

And I've definitely learned my lesson, she's come crying to me before, but then instantly switch to someone else as soon as I give her empathy, and I receive no empathy once I'm emotional.

Its so sickening.

Luckily I've found a new girl, she's going through something similar, so having someone there for me, really really helps.

Just a couple of thoughts:

Would you rather have had her be with another guy she could victimize like you? Because with her these are likely the only possibilities. The people she brings in for the long-term are going to be people who are susceptible to borderline charm. The people who see the red flags after the I intimacy are going to be out right away. Also, remember, the language is important: you say she was "used" for sex, but she's a grown woman, and she lily consented fully to this arrangement. She might like the world to believe she was "used," as it furthers the victim narrative.

[eagle755]

I used the wrong words. I meant to say, he didn't deserve her, what so ever. Ugly, gross, disgusting, chubby etc. He was only able to get her in bed because he gave her attention and partook in her favorite hobby with her which was riding horses, whilest I ignored her due to the overwhelming stress she gave me.

I've actually heard his point of the situation, and apparently they had talked about getting together and everything. But for some reason, after I found out, she decided not to.

I'd much rather him be victimized. I'd much rather him feel this pain. He doesn't deserve to have had her and not even had to go through what I went through. I've had bad history with the guy as it was.

Plus if she was with him, I'd be able to laugh at the crazy downgrade