Dealing with when a disinterested co-parent becomes interested

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have a bit of a dilemma to deal with.  I have been the primary caregiver of D4 since birth, and my ex-wBPD is her mother.  There has been an ongoing pattern where she'll detach from dealing with anything regarding my daughter for a few weeks, then get involved, hear about something untoward and wonder what's going on.

For example, this past weekend, D4 was off for a visitation visit when she told my wife about some kids telling her that she smelled at day camp and that she had no friends.  Concerned, she asked me what was going on and made a point about something needing to be done.  It was then I told her that she had, by and large, gotten along with the younger campers there, that she had friends (and identified them as such), but also that she had some issues with occasional bathroom accidents and wiping herself.  In addition, I mentioned that the camp's population trends towards older school-aged kids, so that might be a source of friction.  Once I told her the whole situation, she kept insisting that something needed to be done when I alerted her that various things were being done relative to her issues.

Now, this was just one incident, but it seems to be a part of a pattern.  She'll not care, then care immensely, trying to be Supermom before she completely detaches again.  I don't want to completely remove my ex completely out of my D4's life, but I also can't have her swooping in and trying to fix situations with which she has no particular knowledge or understanding about.  How should I move forward?

[iluminati]

I have a bit of a dilemma to deal with.  I have been the primary caregiver of D4 since birth, and my ex-wBPD is her mother.  There has been an ongoing pattern where she'll detach from dealing with anything regarding my daughter for a few weeks, then get involved, hear about something untoward and wonder what's going on.

For example, this past weekend, D4 was off for a visitation visit when she told my wife about some kids telling her that she smelled at day camp and that she had no friends.  Concerned, she asked me what was going on and made a point about something needing to be done.  It was then I told her that she had, by and large, gotten along with the younger campers there, that she had friends (and identified them as such), but also that she had some issues with occasional bathroom accidents and wiping herself.  In addition, I mentioned that the camp's population trends towards older school-aged kids, so that might be a source of friction.  Once I told her the whole situation, she kept insisting that something needed to be done when I alerted her that various things were being done relative to her issues.

Now, this was just one incident, but it seems to be a part of a pattern.  She'll not care, then care immensely, trying to be Supermom before she completely detaches again.  I don't want to completely remove my ex completely out of my D4's life, but I also can't have her swooping in and trying to fix situations with which she has no particular knowledge or understanding about.  How should I move forward?

[livednlearned]

Is she trying to actively do anything with the camp? Or is she focused mostly on having you fix things.

[iluminati]

She isn't actively involved.  She just wants me to fix things for her.  That's the frustrating part.