Wow now I feel like a fool... But I think this is good.

[Undone123]

Hey been a long time since I've been on these boards.

I'd like to say that after being over one year out of my 12 month relationship with my ex, I am now 100% detached. 100%! I can safely say now, if she ever raised her head again it would take zero strength to not go back... .

Now looking back on my detachment I feel like such a fool! I feel like a fool for being in that relationship. I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be recycled so often! And I feel like a fool for breaking no contact on occasion once I was discarded!


So insane! I thought of this website today after watching a documentary about domestic violence. So thought I'd post... .One day many of you who are suffering now, will hopefully look back and think. "Wasn't I silly, I deserve better"

[amigo]

Thank you for posting this. I can't wait to get to where you are.

Thank you for letting us know there is hope.

[fromheeltoheal]

So feel like a fool all the way, let it hurt like hell, and then use it.  The only useless pain is the pain we don't use to better ourselves.

[thereishope]

So feel like a fool all the way, let it hurt like hell, and then use it.  The only useless pain is the pain we don't use to better ourselves.

Amen.

[thereishope]

Thank you for posting this. I can't wait to get to where you are.

Thank you for letting us know there is hope.

Me too!

[Frankcostello]

I feel the same way.  It's been two years for me.  Looking back some of us wish we would've never gone through the experience.  But such is life.  We need to value ourselves first and foremost.

[Buried in Blackness]

This is just an awesome thing to read.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's "awesome", but the awareness of seeing clearly is quite an eye-opening, life changing experience.  And I'm just starting to get there as well.

I'm almost a year out from when she smashed our wedding things, punched me in the face, and stormed out the door.  And I was still completely hopped up on her, going down to bedrock in the downward spiral, until I hit the bottom in February.  Shredded, tattered, completely destroyed.  I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror… Saying I was a shell of the man I was is being way to kind.

Thankfully I've never had an addiction to drugs.  I've played around of course, but that "addict gene" (or whatever you want to refer to it as) isn't part of my makeup.  But looking back now I was as bad as any heroin junkie that I've seen on Intervention or any documentary.  When you look at them and say "Just QUIT!" and they just don't see it.  They exist in the shadow-world.

That's where I (and from what I'm reading) and you seem to be coming out of.  I made a complete fool of myself.  I acted in ways that I (the REAL me) is so unfathomably embarrassed by that I seriously had to move to another state.  I want to go back and just smack myself up the head with every club in my golf bag. 

But the "junkie love" me would never listen.  I LOVED her. And I know I'm not telling you something you don't already know.  I built my future, my life, every decision that I made from the moment that we were together, on us being TOGETHER.  I had my sense of myself.  I had a good career, friends, I was good.  But I focused on US.  The woman who said she loved me, would never leave, and would stay by my side.  She wanted this as much as I did and I fully mind/body/soul committed.  That is the way it SHOULD be.  And I make no apologies for it.

I never knew that I was simply seeing one facet of a multi faceted stone.  Because that is not how I am.  I am real.  I am one uncut stone, the same from every angle.   It was incomprehensible that the one side that I saw all the time was that.  A side.  And when everything started to turn to quicksand, for lack of a better term, I went mad. 

Feel like a fool.  The REAL you that is now having the curtains fall from your eyes, that is getting the poison out of his veins, would NEVER do those things.  Ever.  I'm still getting clear.  If you would have said that I would think this way even 2 months ago I would never believe it. 

But if you were like me, you were a madman at the time.  And what a better thing in all of this world, in all of the universe, than to lose your sanity, go crazy, and make a complete fool of yourself, than for love? 

It was just with someone that had a mask with many faces and a heart of stone. 

Never forget. 

[Blimblam]

"But if you were like me, you were a madman at the time.  And what a better thing in all of this world, in all of the universe, than to lose your sanity, go crazy, and make a complete fool of yourself, than for love?  "

This is great I think I will keep this to tell people when they pass some kind of judgement on me for falling so hard

Undone,

That is Awsome that you have detached!

I was wondering if you could highlight any aspects of your detachment besides no contact that might illuminate the way for some of us still feeling the pain.

[fromheeltoheal]

That is Awsome that you have detached!

I was wondering if you could highlight any aspects of your detachment besides no contact that might illuminate the way for some of us still feeling the pain.

For me it was stages, as described, although I didn't believe it at first.  The first stage was denial, and really not realizing how deeply I had been hurt; that lasted maybe 5 months.  Then anger, lots and lots of anger, rage boiling over, exhausting but apparently necessary; that lasted maybe 6 months.  Then depression and physical sickness, a shoulder that completely seized up, sleeping way, way too much, terrible attitude, not caring about anything; that lasted another 6 months, through the winter, which didn't help.  Then finally, acceptance, and really just not thinking about her or the relationship at all, and finally shifting the focus from her and the past to me and my bright future, taking steps in that direction, with a gleam in my eye.  Even as I type this I'm not thinking about her or 'us', I'm thinking about how damaging and hurtful being in a relationship with someone with a disorder is for anyone, and knowing exactly what new people here are going through, feeling for them, and trying to help.

It took what it took, but the key was shifting the focus from the past to the future, a bright future without her in it, and informed by the extreme lessons I got all along the way.  I feel a little older but a lot wiser; sometimes the best gifts come in disguised packages.

[seeking balance]

Hey been a long time since I've been on these boards.

I'd like to say that after being over one year out of my 12 month relationship with my ex, I am now 100% detached. 100%! I can safely say now, if she ever raised her head again it would take zero strength to not go back... .

Now looking back on my detachment I feel like such a fool! I feel like a fool for being in that relationship. I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be recycled so often! And I feel like a fool for breaking no contact on occasion once I was discarded!

So insane! I thought of this website today after watching a documentary about domestic violence. So thought I'd post... .One day many of you who are suffering now, will hopefully look back and think. "Wasn't I silly, I deserve better"

Good stuff undone

It is freeing once we let go and accept the process.

Can you share what emotions you had to accept  and feel that let you be ok totally letting go? (not breaking nc, etc).  I am sure many struggling will find that very helpful.

[thereishope]

Can you share what emotions you had to accept  and feel that let you be ok totally letting go? (not breaking nc, etc).  I am sure many struggling will find that very helpful.

I for one would like to hear this as well.  I'm in the middle of the denial part... .believing with my mind that it would be best to go away from here, but realizing how tied up my heart and soul is in this man... .I have poured my whole heart and soul, as well as all my time, efforts, and complete focus into him for the past 4 years.  I (really) have seen him as THE ONE I have gone to with everything during this period of time... .I've poured all of myself in... .He has been relatively calm these last few days and I looked at him yesterday and almost started to cry because I see the vulnerable, abused little boy inside who created all the mess inside this grown man's heart and experience... .I understand he has been extremely mean and mentally abusive to me many times, but why doesn't it sink in deep enough?  I'm so tired.

[seeking balance]

I understand he has been extremely mean and mentally abusive to me many times, but why doesn't it sink in deep enough?  I'm so tired.

Undone is hosting the thread, so really hopes she comes back to answer for you.

Overall, for me - your sentence right here was what led me to leaning into the pain... .it was leaning into it that I went through it rather than fight against it.

What does sinking in deep enough look like for you?

[Undone123]

I understand he has been extremely mean and mentally abusive to me many times, but why doesn't it sink in deep enough?  I'm so tired.

Undone is hosting the thread, so really hopes she comes back to answer for you.

Overall, for me - your sentence right here was what led me to leaning into the pain... .it was leaning into it that I went through it rather than fight against it.

What does sinking in deep enough look like for you?

My detachment was far from text book. I don't think any detachment from a relationship like this can be... .

For me I did all the internal reflection, but still wasn't detached. That's due to denial. Denial was the biggest thing stopping me. I was on the one hand accepting her disorder, but on the other denying it was applicable to me. My own narcissism was stopping this. I thought I was different. But I am not. I am no different to those she had before me. None of us are... .

I was hooked in denial, because I believed she was making attempts to get better (she may well be, but this isn't an over night thing)... .Anyway I was unblocked last November on social networking. I said some cringeworthy stuff, like "I love you if we could just talk... " In response was the usual vial tirade, and again I was blocked. Anyway I was unblocked again in march, she had a replacement she had met in December. I checked out replacement, and saw a public "I will love you forever" from her on his site... .


The penny really dropped then. Complete acceptance. We may have meant something in those moments shared, but there is no loyalty in BPD. We are discardable. Replacement was being idealised, as I was, and will be devalued as I was... .

I thought this would hammer my self esteem, but you know what? I have since been dating healthy women who can care. Can be real. Who when I say "I can't see you tonight" are fine, and there is no drama or tears. It feels alien but completely comforting. Like me, myself am better again from a disease.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.  My ex has tried to contact me several times since I left her a year and a half ago, which I've ignored, but she makes it clear she wants to retain some kind of relationship with me, even though there are many others.  It's become clear that she's just following the standard BPD playbook: develop attachments with a lot of people, while being convinced that all of them will leave, so no sense putting all your eggs in one basket, might as well spread it around to lessen the hurt when one does leave.  And lie about all of it, because in her head being open and honest would guarantee someone would leave immediately.  That was always the case with her, never OK with me, I could never get my needs met that way, and we're just wired so completely differently that it could never work.

Detachment has been a letting go, grieving the loss, and moving on, wiser, to people I am wired like.