New sentence for DD, struggle holding onto my peace

[qcarolr]

New developments with a new sentence for DD is putting my peace to the test. Relationship repairs were needed tonight with my dh and gd for a "grandma meltdown" at dinnertime. Gd is so stubborn when it is time to come in and dh is so sarcastic and I am way too loud. Things were better by bedtime.

DD violated her alternative sentence of work release when she got high just after Memorial Day. She had her hearing on this violation finally last week. The judge gave her a new 180 day sentence starting last Thursday. The soonest she can get out with 'good time' is mid-November. All her friends in her pod are getting out sooner. Today she said no one would talk to her, like she has some dread disease. My guess is stress has erupted on her face with infections - MRSA. Her biggest fear is her jail bf will get out and find a new girlfriend. DD does not feel whole without a guy in her life. This r/s got her fired from her last job as well - walking with him to bus that got her to work late every day. Then she got high.

Dh believes that she will not accept treatment for her drug use, and her life will continue to cycle as it has for the past 15 years or so. We have to preserve our life - emotional, physical, mental and financial. He is at 90%/10%; I am holding out at 50%/50% -- failing rehab vs. accepting treatment.

I am doing good with boundary about her not living in our home. If she had a place to live she would qualify for home detention or day reporting -- how would she pay for this alternative sentencing. I am advocating intensely for housing somewhere when she gets released. I am working with the mental health center - nothing can be applied until 30 days before her release and then it is based on mental health needs give priority according to her T last week. I plan to let things rest a couple weeks then meet with the only case manager that DD has not already burned out.

It is a struggle to balance my love for her, my advocacy for her, and keeping the boundaries to let her own success or failure. This is not my burden to carry. My old patterns tempt me to take them on in the illusion that I can 'fix it'.

DD is reaping crop of weeds and rocks from years of bad seeds sown in so many relationships. I think I am holding onto my boundaries OK and giving her what validating emotional support I can. Then I realize how my body is reacting - not so good. I have missed my morning quiet time for past week, I am having increased pain,numbness,tingling, headaches and fatigue. My pretending 'all is well' breaks down.

How do I discern what to say to DD? She asks me to advocate for her to submit motion for a sentence redetermination. She has failed probation and programs to get into a dual-dx residential program when she struck out of the outpatient dual-dx program. Probation is done with her -- she has straight jail sentence with no probation. She cannot see the 'advantage' to this. All she can see are endless, lonely days of boredom/sadness/panic attacks and illness from the stress.

Can I turn any of our phone calls or her furloughs for mental health appointments into teaching moments? What can I teach her - tools or skills. Or do I just listen, listen, listen and understand. (Four rules of validation; "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" (pg 38), Lundberg) This book has been on my mind a lot this week. Maybe time to read it yet again.

Amazing how sharing my story here helps me get clarity. I am doing the right things. My support network is engaged. My dh is here for the family - he gets to meltdown too. Need to focus on my self-care as the summer draws toward the end. Looking forward to our short camping trip in 2 weeks.

Thanks for listening, listening, listening and understanding.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

I am up early and came here to check in (haven't for awhile) because we had dinner with SD last night and I have her BPD swirling around in my head a bit.

I am sorry to hear that your peace has been tested but let me say, your post sounds so strong I am certain you will weather this storm I just wish like crazy that you and your family didn't have to endure it.

Stubborn grand-daughter, sarcastic grandfather, too-loud grandmother hold onto each other like a true family, wrinkles and all.

I hear your DDs concerns and wish there were some way for you to communicate to her that she will survive, she will make new friends, a new boyfriend will happen after she completes her sentence. Even if she doesn't (can't?) hear your teaching moments I don't think there is anything wrong with your trying. Listening will give you the opening for this and Listen, Listen, Listen, Understand is such FINE advice.

I do so very much understand how you feel your peace slipping away. The things your daughter worries about are crazy making to me. My SD has the same manner of freaking out about the last things she needs to be freaking out about. By this I mean how is it that they worry about such stoopid stuff when what we worry about FOR them are such grave issues?

There is such magic in letting them go while still having faith that the path they are on is their path, no matter how crazy making it is. That is where I find the most peace- that letting go along with the faith. Yeah Q- say what you need/want to say to her with no expectation that she will listen or hear you or understand you- because maybe some of it will linger on in her head, ready to access when she isn't so confused or distracted or high. Keep delivering the message of your love for her and let her go... .there is still a decent chance that she will make better choices in her future.

Focus on what it is you CAN do, which seems clear to me is to heal your wounds so that you can be the best you can be. Focus on your grand-daughter and find together a way for her to be strong and healthy in spite of all she has witnessed in her young life, such a lot for such a little girl.

Dh believes that she will not accept treatment for her drug use, and her life will continue to cycle as it has for the past 15 years or so. We have to preserve our life - emotional, physical, mental and financial. He is at 90%/10%; I am holding out at 50%/50% -- failing rehab vs. accepting treatment.

The outcome for your DD is out of your hands. Your DH is right that you have to preserve your life in all of those important aspects. And truly, it is the best you can do for your DD and burn out won't help your GD... .not in any way at all.

 and   

thursday

[qcarolr]

Thursday, THANKS! You are able to pluck the things out and respond in ways that so encourage me.

qcr

[HealingSpirit]

Dear qcarolr,

Thank you so much for sharing!  And I'm so sorry your DD's prison term has been extended.  So hard on you and the rest of your family! 

I really appreciate how much wisdom you shared with us.

It is a struggle to balance my love for her, my advocacy for her, and keeping the boundaries to let her own success or failure. This is not my burden to carry. My old patterns tempt me to take them on in the illusion that I can 'fix it'.

I need to make this my new mantra.  As parents, I think we're "biologically programmed" to solve problems and fix things.  So, it's counter-intuitive to listen, listen, listen, understand, and NOT TRY FIX IT! 

I think I am holding onto my boundaries OK and giving her what validating emotional support I can. Then I realize how my body is reacting - not so good. I have missed my morning quiet time for past week, I am having increased pain, numbness, tingling, headaches and fatigue. My pretending 'all is well' breaks down.

So I'm not the only one whose body breaks down when the stresses fly?  Hmm.  Maybe we parents and grandparents ARE only human after all.

Amazing how sharing my story here helps me get clarity. I am doing the right things. My support network is engaged. My dh is here for the family - he gets to meltdown too. Need to focus on my self-care as the summer draws toward the end. Looking forward to our short camping trip in 2 weeks.

I have also found writing helps give me clarity.  It's so nice to have a place (this board) to write where someone actually writes back!  I'm happy to listen, listen, listen and understand you anytime! 

There is such magic in letting them go while still having faith that the path they are on is their path, no matter how crazy making it is. That is where I find the most peace- that letting go along with the faith.

Thursday, I couldn't agree with you more!  There has been a part of me that KNOWS detaching is the key to loving someone with BPD, but I didn't really get that for real until I read your post.  I've noticed that when I'm emotionally detached, I'm more centered.  I still love my DD with all my heart, but I find the only way I can tolerate (even enjoy) my life is by not getting emotionally riled up in hers.  And you're right... .it takes faith to do that.

Hang in there!   

[qcarolr]

HealingSpririt

Yes - it helps to have someone write back that gets it. Someone who loves their child that others cannnot love, or even tolerate. There is indeed a neurobiological connection between a mom and her child and their attachment bond. Sometimes the bond is out of balance -- this does not change the drive to be connected.

Here are a couple of quotes I keep on my wall provided as replies here by lbjnltx. (she is not here often now)

It is not within your power to orchestrate the outcome... .

You can only try to create opportunities.

This has helped me with acceptance of limits to my advocacy for both my DD and my GD.

Mind = DBT skills we practice [and other skills and tools]

Body = neurobiology explains what is happening when we practice skills

Spirit = understanding and awareness that provides interconnection of body, mind, will and self and our Creator.

I have been applying this wisdom a lot this week. First by keeping my visit with my T and phone consult with gd's T. I am getting back to my self-care practices. Have reduced my Zoloft - feeling a little hypomanic (not needing sleep, food, and really irritable and easily angered... .)

Next with DD. I received notices to submit info for re-certification of all her public benefits: food stamps, needy disabled stipend (small amount while waiting for SSI application to be processed), and adult medicaid. I called and asked some questions, searched out info online, filled the forms out, took to DD for signature, met with eligibility specialist at county human services office (BCHHS) to submit. DD loses all these while she is in jail, most likely retroactive to end of March. She can reapply when she is released from jail. Uncertain whether her medical doctors visits and ultrasound will be covered. Will deal with all this as it comes to my mailbox (at least the best I can to LET IT GO).

Every time I speak to anyone in a position of authority I ask about housing options. The tech at BCHHS looked at her flow chart and they all led to the county mental health center. DD is already a client there. They helped me with some of the benefit forms. So I stopped at the case manager open hours and pretty much refused to leave until she offered me something about housing. So she gave me the application for their Transitional Housing in another city in our county. It is an apartment building. There is a required community with lots of rules, including sobriety. DD said to bring her the application to sign, which I will do on Monday.

Usually they do not accept the application until someone is released from jail. When I filled this out for DD, I requested they allow this before she is released so she can submit to judge with request for redetermination of her sentence. So she will have a place to go directly from jail. That she can request electronic home detention if she has a place to live. Then she can get support to move forward in her life. We can only wait and see what the review committee chooses to do. It is usually a 3 to 6 month wait for an apartment. It is decided on a case by case basis, not by order of application or a lottery like other housing programs. DD will have to request a furlough to do an interview with the program if it gets that far.

I know that releasing her from jail, in the winter, into homelessness is not a plan to keep her out of jail in the future. Yes, I am desperate to find opportunities to avoid this result. And only DD makes it work out one way or another.  Outcomes and opportunities.

As always, cautiously hopeful and unconditionally loving.

qcr

[HealingSpirit]

Dear QCR,

Thank you so much for sharing those quotes!  I wrote them down so I can post them next to my bed.    

You're doing such a good job staying centered and holding together through all the FRUSTRATING B.S. of dealing with "the system"!  I'm so sorry you have to go through this to help your DD.  I hope I NEVER have to go that route to help my DD, but it is comforting to know that you and several others here have done it (or are doing it), so if I ever have to, I can come here to see how to get started.

I'm glad you're back on track with your self-care regimen.  I know interruptions in self-care are inevitable, but everyone winds up suffering when that happens. So, it's good you're able to find time for you amidst the chaos.

It really isn't fair that such a wise, giving spirit as yourself has to deal with such heartache!

HS

[Rapt Reader]

qcarolr's happy story to share is the personal growth she has gone through, the strides she has made in her ability to live her life without totally obsessing over her daughter, and her positive changes in her relationships with her granddaughter and husband.

I think she's doing the best she can--and better than so many others would be doing!--under trying, tragic circumstances. Her positivity and strength is a wonderful example for others who are suffering. She never gives up on her own personal growth, and her daughter really does appreciate her efforts and they have a love between them that a mother and daughter can understand and appreciate.

I think that her efforts are remarkable, and her story will end up positively eventually... .Negativity is always short-lived with her, and she shakes off the dust when things fall down; I admire someone who can see the good in her BPD daughter and persevere relentlessly, trying to be supportive but not enabling, and doing the best she can do. I admire someone who realizes that there are things she can do, and then does them, to help make things better, instead of being negative and brooding... .I think her story is one of strength and optimism.

I, for one, admire you, qcarolr 

[swampped]

I would second Rapt Reader's response.  Although I rarely post here anymore, I follow this board in particular as I struggle to understand our ex-dil who is uBPD, and who has custody of our gd5.  I have found your story and your amazing ability to see beyond today's struggles to the big picture positively inspirational, qcr.  Please keep on posting, as you have no idea how much help you are providing those of us who may be too silent to acknowledge it.       hug  Swampped

[lbjnltx]

Hello qcarol! 

Though I am not here often... .when I am I look for your threads to see how you are and update my prayer support for you

You are doing all the right things... .and you are suffering.  To ease your suffering hold onto radical acceptance.  When radical acceptance slips away... .draw it back to you and begin again.  Lighten your burden by giving your dd to the Lord... .when you find yourself taking the burden back release it once more and begin again.

Each day is a new beginning.



lbj

[lever.]

Qcr - you have been an example and an inspiration to me for the reasons RaptReader says.

I rarely reply to your posts because you know much better than I do what needs to be done but I admire the way you get on with your life and focus on your own development whilst unfailingly supporting your DD and GD

[qcarolr]

You are all just what I needed tonight - encouragement and validation. I am worthy, my feelings matter, and you all care about me. I have not been here for a bit. Went on short, rainy, restful camping trip last week with a few in my family. Gd enjoyed the mountains, swimming pool, hiking with grandpa, roasting marshmallows... .Dh enjoyed all of the above, except he went out off-road motorcycling with my nephews instead of swimming. The camping 'resort' where we were staying has a new mountain 'summer tubing hill' . GD wouldn't go - too fast. It was Ok except I couldn't ride the track back up the hill with my big tube - was going to fall backward. So got lots of good walking there! (kind of like the moving walkways in an airport except up this giant hill the length of at least a foot ball field!). It was nice to get away for a few days.

I did take a couple calls from DD while there, and it was OK. Something within me has shifted so her distress impacts me in a different way. It belongs to her. I can experience it in a way that I feel it and not take it on my shoulders. Most of the time. There are really not words to describe this place. Give me a little time - the words will come. It is easier to hear all the voices around me with what I 'should' do or be and stay connected to 'my mind like a still pool of water... .'

I sent DD my filled out copy of the transitional housing application and a blank copy for her to fill out. Mine read like 'dear diary' about her life -- way too many words. She could not mail it back to me as it was 7 pages and they only allow 4 pages at the jail (only one stamp allowed, I cannot send her stamps). She will bring it when I pick her up for furlough on Friday to see her T.

She did lose her medicaid at least effective on the day I submitted the recertification 7/24/14. I am praying they do not apply retroactive -- if they do the case worker at MHP (mental health partners) said it takes a long time for that to happen. Can put that out of mind. The meds. person at MHP was trying to get her meds refilled in special no insurance program. She talked to the MHP staff that work in the jail, and said she could not help me at all while DD is in jail. Even though the jail has not responded to any of DD's requests for help.

Yes, lbj, yes. Radical Acceptance. A daily practice. I really want to go on a spiritual retreat for a couple YEARS. I mean REALLY WANT TO GO. Talked in my T about this today. And I also get that I cannot leave gd at this place in her life. I do not want to leave dh - he and I are good for each other.

Gd has been very physically threatening to me lately and it is hard to take, hard to manage. Vacation - she did really well. Back home -- she is restricted for 3 days out of backyard for throwing rocks at me 3 times on Sunday. She is lonely for her friends. They just got back last night from 3 weeks with family out of state. A cousin came back with them so they have been gone all evening since gd got home from day camp. Reminded her she will be home in the morning. Mentioned she has T appt in afternoon - here come the shoes, feet, fists, and the DH trying to get her to her room she falls into furniture. We cancelled the last appt and will not do so this time. I have to be the authority in  this house - dh and I. Have to balance that with our commitment to be here for gd regardless.

Peace in Steel Town - I have shared some positive stories here on the thread for good stories. "Good News, Breakthroughs and TLC's"  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210800.0   Tiny Little Changes. Here it the link - it is on the index page for this parent board.

My life is complex, as are many who come here as parents with such troubled kids. I do not have sibling issues to cope with - that makes so many others lives so much harder to manage with a BPD child in the mix. I am able to have physical distance, after a long struggle to get here, from my DD. Yes, her choices led to her sentence. And yes, she has failed at all the court ordered attempts at rehabilitation and recovery in past 2 years. Yes, they are pretty much done with options for her other than to do her time and get out. And then what? Since she has not felonies many transition options and case mangement for transition planning are closed to her. She has lots and lots of misdemeanors in past 5 years. She needs housing, not homelessness, to stay out of jail. So I will not give up on searching and advocating for options for her - then it is up to her to make it work.

I love my DD from the center of my being -- this I am called to by my creator strongly and directly. I am allowed to come here and share my suffering in this love and ask for encouragement, validation, and support in taking care of myself so I can continue to be here for myself and my family.

Going on a walk.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I have been on a little hiatus from here.  I had computer issues, and, I felt that I needed a break, anyways.  My laptop is up and running, again.  My ds, the tech guy, has been helping me with those issues. 

I can totally relate to a Spiritual Retreat for a few years.  I seriously would love to go on a retreat!  I have been considering one for a week.  I am back in counseling, and taking care of me, again. 

I am sorry to hear about your gd.  My heart sunk when I read about her being physical with you.  But, then I thought, no worries, "qcr got this".

I love that your daughter's distress affects you in a different way.  I have been practicing that, too.  And, not jumping in to rescue her.  Lost another job, car insurance overdue, fines overdue, garbage way overdue, too many bills, and threat of jail if fines are not caught up.  Asked her what she thought SHE could do?  She replied that she wanted to run away.  I did make a suggestion of a resource that was available to her.  They are some life improvement classes, and they can be compensated for completing them.  They will pay a delinquent bill.  She told me that someone else had suggested that, and told me that she was going to look into it. 

I can understand the deep feelings of love for your dd.  They are our children, and no matter what, we always love them. 

I continue to pray for you, and all of us here at bpdfamily. 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Met with gd's T yesterday. Realize there is a lot going on for her. All her neighborhood friends were gone for the last 3 weeks and she was stuck with a cranky tired grandma. I realize how I depend on gd playing to satisfy my needs for private time (ie. wanting to go away on retreat, daily meditation time... .). It is the end of summer and school anxiety is beginning. I think gd resents the time I spend with her mom. Dh and I have been enforcing the consequences for our boundaries more consistently and gd is fighting back for sense of control. Her cravings for sugary treats have increased with her meds. - another source of defiance as we try to get her to eat healtier. Dh and I have to sacrifice our own desires for snacks and rid the house or them.

The T has emphasized that gd is in a power struggle feeling that she has no say in anything in her life. I feel like all I do is ask her to pick up, put away, eat, go to bed etc. and she has an automatic 'nope' response. Dh and I have created some organized space and feel the need to keep it that way so more pressure on her to clean up her play as she moves along. She is more distractibe than ever. I am so frustrated and only see more as school starts and resistance to homework in 4th grade. I also resent that I have to put in this effort when she is on down side of ADHD meds. after school into evening, wanting to be with friends after school, and I am tired.

Pretty normal stuff. Need to find my playfulness skills. Dh is better at that then me.

update on DD28:

Spoke to case manager at public defender office with questions from DD. I have a better understanding of the rules, programs available in her pod (DD claims there are none, CM says there are -- she will try to visit DD in next week or so about all this. Talked about her need for documentation from jail staff of the things she is doing independently. She says she is still working through book - sort of a DBT program. Maybe I could suggest she share this with her T who could also write a reference letter. DD wants to request a hearing to adjust her sentence - shorter time with return to work release and support for her substance abuse. Since judge terminated her probation many options are no longer available to her while in jail.

I continue to stop myself when distracted by thinking about all this with DD and return to presence in the moment. The issues with gd have really disrupted this for me in general. I think I will find my Radical Acceptance reading and give it a refresh.

I am grateful for those who share with me here, even if you do not post a reply. Thanks for listening.

qcr

[justhere]

qcarolr

I just want to say... .thank you ... .for being here... .

Its been a long time since I've been reading here on these boards and it was a struggle looking up my name and password.  I am too upset right now to even read your post but seeing your name... .was something familiar... .someone I remember reading from being here before when I was able to find some peace. I'm so tired.  

I don't know whether I'm making any sense but I want to tell you again... .thank you...