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Author Topic: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs  (Read 39730 times)
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« on: October 04, 2013, 10:42:39 AM »

Sometimes I would like to post some good news, a breakthrough or even a TLC ("tiny little change": according to Valerie Porr in Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, we need to be aware of the very small positive changes in our BPD loved one in order to move along in a better frame of mind toward a better life).

The TLCs have made such a difference in how I look at and handle things with my adult (36) son who was just diagnosed with BPD 6 months ago, making the "two steps forward, one step back" of his recovery process easier to bear and appreciate. Acknowledging his TLCs, breakthroughs and any sort of good news relating to his recovery process keeps me positive, hopeful and refreshed.

So, I had an idea... .How about starting a thread like this one, where anyone can come in and post their Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs, just for the pure joy of it? For others to read and gain inspiration? For all of us on Parenting to share the knowledge that sometimes we can rejoice, and we can all know that the little things can add up to a happier life? In an otherwise difficult and painful situation, there is hope?

Does anyone have any Good News, Breakthroughs or TLCs to share? Have you used the communication tools and found them to help? Has something you've learned here made a difference? I'd love to hear about it and share your joy... .Sometimes life is great! And it's great to be able to share each others' joy  

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« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2013, 12:10:42 PM »

Well my dd19 has gone back to college part-time, and is even considering doing some volunteer work.

This is the 3rd time she has tried college,so quietly I have had my reservations whether she would stick at it, but so far she has.She is focused and driven and says she has no intention to going back to do nothing.

Chasing after exbf or boys doesn't seem to be her main focus anymore, so she seems to have less meltdowns and room in her head for more positive things. She is a great mommy to gd. So attentive and loving towards her.It makes me feel proud to see how close they are, and I love watching how they play together. She comes and stays here with gd or I will go over to stay with them which I always enjoy. If she is having a bad day she will call me to tell me and tell me. Just speaking to me seems to calm her. Even if we have some disagreements she seems get over it quicker and bounce back more easily.

We speak everyday on the phone and she will often tell me how her day went, what funny thing gd has done or is doing, or if im not around she will little messages wishing me a good day or a little message from gd which is so thoughtful of her.

I really never ever thought things would turn themselves around after many hellish years and I certainly dont take anything for granted... .but We definitely have less bad days now... .

I think what has worked for our r/s from my point of view is learning how to use validation and SET. Once I put them in practice communication with dd became easier.I also think this has allowed dd to trust me too, and know that Iam always looking out for best interests, and sometimes this involves being told things she doesnt want to hear... I think she gets it now. Radical Acceptance also allowed me to accept dd the way dd is. Iam not constantly trying to change her now. I have learnt ways to support her instead.

I also think she  finally realizes that iam not going anywhere and I will always be here for her and gd. Maybe it comes from knowing what a mothers love is now she has gd IDk... .but yeah my dd is doing really well these days. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2013, 07:18:26 PM »

Love this thread!

I have had a few ups and downs the past weeks but really feel like the validation skills are helping a lot.

As many of you know I have been trying to encourage by BPDS26 to move out of our house.  he has an income but he refuses to go bec he feels that we "kicked him out" when he was 14 and has issues with being "thrown out" of the house (never actually happened when he was younger but that is his perception)

anyway, he finally moved out this week (woo hoo) and rented a small apartment in our neighborhood.  

The day after he moved out, I cleaned up his room which is a renovated portion of our attic which has been an absolute disaster area for years.  he came home a few days later to get something from his room and was very disturbed that I had cleaned up and ruined his system of organization

here is the good part.  he didn't blow up but held himself back and expressed his frustration without losing control.  then he left.

the next day he came back and was visibly angry  and said "I cant believe you did this"

in the past I would have gotten defensive and told him why I had a right to clean the room.  instead I said, I understand that your privacy was invaded when I cleaned up the room.  He said, it feels like you kicked me out just like you did when I was 14.  I said that s not what I had in mind I just wanted the room to be clean. he seemed to accept that answer

none of this would have been possible in the past it would have turned into a big mess.  I definitely feel like we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back but the overall direction is progress

thanks to bpdfamily for teaching me how to talk to him
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« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2013, 07:05:43 AM »

The Will's Way Fund, named after my beloved son, is now established at Pine River Institute, a Residential Treatment Facility in Ontario for troubled teens.  

Pine River has an 80% success rate, measured in broad terms: good relationships with family and peers, an occupation at school or work, non-problematic substance use or non-use, HOPE FOR THE FUTURE being the most important.  Pine River positions itself as 'a place called hope'.

That is the good news!  

Please know that I am not soliciting funds for this initiative.  

To give some background, I did not know about Pine River when I was looking for help for Will for the last 9 years.  I had read one short article about it, about a year before our son died; however, I was quite exhausted and probably too traumatized to phone for information about their approach, as my son was too old for the program at that point.  My husband had been working overseas for three years and I was alone trying to find help for my son.  I mention these details to put this tragedy in the correct context.  I was very isolated without my husband.  I was the scapegoat in my family of origin, which also played a part.  Many people knew how sick my son was.  I regret to say it; however, there weren't no Good Samaritan.

 

Onwards... .

Phoenix Rising!

Out of the ashes... .

Reality

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« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2013, 10:38:11 PM »

What a great thread!  

I have to say my tlc's are my dd having another job after being unemployed since February.  

Her job has done wonders for her self esteem.  Also, she was awarded take home privileges at the methadone clinic, and that means no more early weekends and driving her everyday to the clinic.  I was not thrilled that she went back to the methadone clinic, but, she is not buying drugs off the street and looking for money to buy her next fix.  

I accept that my dd is who she is, and I can not change her.   I have dusted off some of my validation books, and using the tools that I lost for awhile.   I accept that my dd will probably never find the treatment that I want her to get.  I guess it is the serenity prayer here.  Accepting what I can not change, and praying for help to change the things that I can.
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« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2013, 11:04:09 AM »

Yesterday DD and I both went to therapy.  

We both see individual Therapists at DBT at the same time.  We both came out with puffy red eyes.  When we got in the car I sad in a joking way, "Gee looks like we both had an interesting session".  She decided to share with me that she felt like she had a bit of a break through (for those of you who don't remember we are dealing with her eating disorder which is not eating all day and binging in the middle of the night).  She told me with tears running down her face that she thinks her binging may in fact be a way of dealing with the emptiness she feels inside. The constant feeling of loneliness.  Feeling like there is no one in the world that she can really ever count on.  She said, "Mom, I don't want to tell you this because it might put more pressure on you, but I told T that the only person in the world that I can count on is my mom."  I was happy on one hand that she feels this way about me and so sad for her that this is how she feels.  

She asked me why I was crying when I came out and I told her the truth, that I was talking very  much about the same thing.  That I too feel very lonely, gently pointing out that her dad was really not someone that I could count on.  She said she knows this.  I didn't go into much detail but told her that most people do their best and that it is important to find something in herself that fills her up... .not food, not drink (although she doesnt partake in alcohol or drugs), but finding something in life that makes her feel good.  It was a good conversation, one that we will need to work on.

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« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2013, 06:35:56 PM »

Well, my son is having a breakthrough: He's writing and drawing again, and actually is working on a graphic novel!

My son has been diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Anxiety and now finally BPD. He is low functioning, and since getting this new diagnosis and being treated, things have been moving right along. But, one thing that has been a "sticking point" for him was the fact that he "forgot" who he really is. His whole life (from age 2 on, no kidding) he's been an artist. Writing, drawing, composing lyrics and music. But, after suicidal ideations and substance addictions, and finally completing a 21-day intensive Dual Diagnosis Program where he learned the reasons for his troubles, he's been getting healthier and stronger every day... .except for his art. He wouldn't work on it. He told me "I'm not an artist anymore... ." I knew that if he could find the artist in himself again, he would be on the road to finding himself again. And be able to soar.

He is working on a graphic novel... .like a comic book story but a serious subject. I think it's his own story of what his life has been like, but he doesn't want me to see it till it's done. He's doing it on his laptop--writing the text in a window on one side of the screen, and drawing the graphics with a paint program on the other side of the screen and then dragging the pictures to where they go with the text.

I don't know how he does it, but we just got him the laptop a month ago (he never even had one before!), and he taught himself how to do it soon after. He's on fire creatively right now, and just 5 weeks ago he was afraid he wasn't an artist anymore since he's been clean and sober for 7 months now; he'd thought the drugs "made" him creative though I knew that wasn't true (he was always an artist, from like 2 years old on, and he didn't start abusing drugs till he was like 15 or 16). The reason this is a breakthrough? He's really amazed that the artist was HIM and not the drugs making him an artist... .He's finding himself again, and that can only be a good thing!
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2013, 12:51:40 AM »

My dd is doing good  started a new school this year and has pretty good grades. She got her drivers license too and if you had asked me a year ago Isolde not have thought this possible. She flew to see her sister this weekend by herself.

Going to spend time with and visit her college and see the football game. This probably doesn't seem like much but my dd went through such a time I really didn't know if she would make it. She has not tried to over dose since March and no cutting. She has a ways to go still and there are bad days but I am more and more hopeful for the future.

I do like reading all the small and sometime big steps   It really does give me hope and helps keep me positive. I have not posted much lately and I have not visited as much as I use too but I really love hearing everyone's news.

Thanks again for sharing.
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« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2013, 03:44:11 PM »

It seems so much like tempting fate to post on this thread!  But here goes my story of some TLCs:  

Our pwBPD is our exdil, the mother of our gd5.  Our ds is intellectually limited, and works at a minimum wage job, and loves that child with all his might.  :)h and I send my social security check to ds each month, and he promptly turns it over to exdil, as she seems unable to work, and we worry so about gd5.  We have gone through the gamut of emotions over this "enmeshment" or "enabling" or "codependency", whichever it is, and have decided it is necessary for our own sanity--to know that they all are fed and housed.  And we have kept communication open with exdil, thanks to many of the lessons here.  

I have no illusions that our access to gd5, through Skype, email, and visits twice yearly is due to the financial help...   But it is working, and I guess I should rejoice, just a little, in that fact.  In many ways, our exdil is like an adopted child, and our son is of course very dear to us---the pity is that these two flawed souls (aren't we all?) can't make it together.  But I have found great peace from following the threads here, reading the lessons, attending AlAnon, and realizing that everyone, everyone, EVERYONE has a story.  

What I would say has  been the big change, is in me.  Some sort of acceptance, both of our son's limitations, our exdil's illness, and the hope that this bright little will be able to overcome the strikes against her.   Every day brings its worries, to be sure, and every time the phone rings, my stomach still churns, but dh and I can handle it.  For that, and for all your help here, I am most grateful.      Swampped
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« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2013, 08:30:34 AM »

Miracles are all around us, we only need look at people and situations through the eyes of love and compassion.

My dd16 came to the city with me yesterday afternoon so that she could see her dad (she hadn't seen in almost 2 weeks as he stayed in the city to be near doctors and had been admitted to the hospital once more).

My stepson went to pick my husband up and we waited and waited and waited.  It was a difficult wait for my dd16 because she 1. wanted to see her dad 2. wanted to get back home for Halloween festivities with her friends (Halloween is her favorite holiday).  Time was slipping away.

When finally he arrived she laid down next to him in his bed and with his arm around her they talked and remembered together all the Halloweens of the past.  She and stepson didn't leave until 7:30 and wouldn't get back home until after 9 o'clock.  No time for festivities with friends.  Just home and to bed.

I didn't have to remind her of the value of the time she had with her dad, she didn't beg or plead for stepson to take her to see boyfriend or friends or join in festivities.  She made a wisemind choice and was satisfied that it was the best choice under the circumstances.
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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2013, 07:38:32 AM »

My BPD16 has been doing better and better.  Still has days of anger and frustration, and as a teenager there are always issues.  But the damage done by my BPDex with the endless criticism and anger is being undone by his absence.  He is now with his "exit affair" and we have honored our d's decision to not meet her or see her.  Basically, just keeping consistant routine, consistant discipline, and overall acceptance of her "quirks" has greatly increased her self esteem and decreased her acting out.  We are going to look at colleges this week, 4 months after she was hospitalized for a suicide attempt.  Good things can happen.  I can't promise forever, but they can. 
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« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2013, 03:48:26 PM »

Stumbling onto this thread today - so good for my soul. Supports me in enjoying the quietness in my life today.

DD27 is staying in a monthly rate motel and doing her dual-dx probation program. Practicing acceptance here; she has invited an old bf to stay with her - says they are helping each other stay clean and sober; she is making her way to daily checkin and even took her dog yesterday on the bus with service dog registration ID and this worked out OK; she has missed most of her probation and T appointments that are scheduled at 1pm and they seem to be persevering with her and continuing to 'hook her in'. DD invited me to share information about her dx and evalualtions with them, which the T seemed to sincerely appreciate. DD has been so appreciative for our support with her suite, and will keep praying for some kind of housing assitance to appear before the 6 months we can do this run out.

Gd8 has blossomed socially with DD living away from our home, and the anxious doggie is with DD as well. She is making new friends at school, and sharing stories of her day with us. Some increased issues with her energy level and impacts on attention, impulsiveness and distraction. Will talk to her pdoc again about this. Feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. She brings such joy into my life when I take the time to be present with her.

Me too! I am gaining so much from work with my new T. I have never worked with a faith-based T before and it adds a much deeper dimension. Working to re-write many things in my own story to integrate them into being better able to love who I am, and then pass that onto my family. I am so ready to stop being so grumpy! Tired! Sad!  Shari Manning's idea of giving myself a "half-smile" as needed -- it works,

bus here. gotta go

qcr
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« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2013, 03:55:12 PM »

Thanks everyone for all your positive posts.

I too have some good news to share - and believe what lbjnltx said "miracles are there when we have the eyes to see them."

My dd36 who has had no contact with me and said I was dead to her and her sons finally contacted me around the middle of October.  She emailed me, called me, and then emailed some more.  She was saying she is letting go of her anger and finding closure on her past.  I was hopeful that she was committed to that and had a mindful approach to our contacts.  

For my grandson's birthday I sent a package with a bday gift and Halloween treats and asked to call and wish him a happy birthday... .I asked his father.  My dd contacted me and said, go ahead and call him - she doesn't care, be in their lives... .whatever.  It had undertones of sarcasm and anger but I thanked her and told her I was thinking of her and my grandson and remembering that his life is a miracle (he was born at 25 weeks gestation and 17 weeks in a NICU, touch and go many times).

Now my other grandson's birthday was today and I sent a package to his dad's house. This time I emailed her and asked if I could call and wish him happy bday at a time that he's with her.  She emailed me in a totally different tone saying when I could call and she would make sure the phone is on.  She then followed up with a couple more emails about an old friend of hers who's husband had a farm accident... .she was very positive and it was refreshing!  

I'm so hoping we can continue to communicate at a different level and I can continue to be validating to her as she works on improving her life situation.

Thanks everyone!  This is a great thread.    
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« Reply #13 on: November 21, 2013, 08:00:34 AM »

DD went to counseling/therapy session for first time last nite and group for first time the nite before. Smiling (click to insert in post)  One day/hour/minute at a time.  Peace to us all.
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« Reply #14 on: November 23, 2013, 11:24:41 AM »

I just wanted to share that I was dreading seeing dd today as last weekend she was raging and throwing things, painted my dss black because he was 'talking too much' and was extremely hard to regulate all though we got there in the end and she made peace with dss.

Today however I had the most lovely time with her, she was well mannered, laughed easily and said some things which demonstrated extraordinary self-knowledge and progress (this without therapy yet) such as 'I am my own worst enemy, I drive people away with my bad behaviour and when they react, I just remember them as a bad person who did wrong to me!'

On the flip side my dss is still painted black but she seemed less angry than normal and said she would be ok with him at  Christmas (but that's that).

She also forgot her wise words about driving everyone away and told me some stories of ill-treatment and named about 5 different people who were perpetrators of such injustice towards her BUT... .

On the whole we had a lovely day and I felt we were close and connected.

Im obviously apprehensive, as she once told me (after a crisis) that she couldn't bear to be close to anyone and, as she loved me it made her rage to protect herself from the closeness.  This was in another amazing insight of her own behaviour.

Anyway, no matter, the fact remains I had a totally happy and relaxed time with dd today without the cloud of anger crossing her face at all and I feel blessed!

 
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« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2013, 08:34:22 PM »

Things are still going along well here, by baby steps. But, my son is now going on 10 months clean and sober (yaaaaay!), and his Neurofeedback Therapy sessions are slowly being scaled down (from 3 hours, twice per week) to 1.5 hours on Wednesdays, and 2.5 hours on Saturdays. He seems to be continuing his progress at the same pace, so this is really great, as it saves us money and we can all see some light at the end of the tunnel to recovery. The scaling down hasn't stunted his recovery at all, so it feels good to know that the end is in sight.

He still sees his Outpatient Therapist every Monday, but she's helping him a lot. They are working on his going out (eventually) into the cold, cruel world without socializing with or needing his old "drug friends" and being strong enough to live a completely different life--like he has been for the last 10 months--while not in the safety of our home. His NFT is working with him on the same thing. As is his Psychiatrist, who he sees once per month still. Slowly but surely he will make his way out in the world, in a healthy manner... .

He's still writing and drawing on his new laptop, and working diligently on his graphic novel. He doesn't know it, but I just ordered him a tablet to attach to his laptop, bundled with art programs that will help him even more with his drawings that he will be able to eventually animate (a dream come true for him!). Everything he's done so far on just the laptop's Paint program will be able to be brought into this new program and he will be psyched! Can you tell that I am, too?  

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« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2013, 08:15:16 PM »

OK time for me to share my happy news and TLC.  DD is officially in mainstream school.  She had her first day today.  She said it was boring but better than the partial program  

So, we are on our way.  We also made it over the 1 month mark since her last major crisis and since she typically falls apart once a month we've really got our fingers crossed that she continues to do well.  She also knows that I am committed as much as I can be to not hospitalizing her again.  I think she's responding positively.
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« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2013, 06:51:14 PM »

Things are still going carefully smoothly with my son. Something cool that is related to his sobriety (he's in his 10th month!): His best "drug friend" got out of Rehab after a 20-day program, a few weeks ago. My son heard of his friend's return to our town through the grapevine (my son hasn't spoken to him since his own Dual Diagnosis Program stay in March/April of 2013). He told me that he'd like to call his friend, but wouldn't until he heard--again through the grapevine (a non-drug friend)--that the "drug friend" not only completed the whole Rehab program, but that he also "has a plan to stay sober."

That was monumental to me (but, officially a TLC for our purposes here   ) because in the past, after my son had completed his own prior Rehabs (the DD Program was his 3rd in 4 years!), or after his drug friend had completed one of his own (a few over the last few years), they'd always started hanging out together again. And one thing would always lead to another and they'd both end up using again.

Well, my son has still not called this friend. And isn't complaining about it. And is still clean and sober and working on his many issues. And working on his graphic novel. So far, so good... .
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« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2013, 03:20:01 PM »

Well I have a little good news. I made it thru my 2 grandkids Christmas concerts with my daughter today. The morning one was a little nerve wracking seeing her for the first time in a while after she stopped talking to me again. I actually was surprised she was very pleasant to me.

She actually offered to stay and wait at my youngest grandchild's daycare  until I got there if I ran late and missed his concert so I could see him. I realize she didn't have to offer but she did. Especially since things have been so unbelievably tense between us. I actually expected to be shunned.

I am taking that as a positive note. I sometimes want to reach out and kiss her I think she looked like she wanted to do it also I think we are both pretty afraid. This last assault on me was probably the worst of our whole lives together. It caused a lot of hurt with her and her Step Father. I think and feel sometimes she is afraid to reach out again. I always came right back to her after the blow outs this time I didn't.

I think me backing up and giving her all this space may actually be helping! I am taking this day as a positive one
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« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2013, 04:31:58 PM »

Breakthrough - DD on her way to Addiction Recovery Center until Monday. She fell through the rabbit hole - most likely meth. I have not heard from her since Sunday except and "OK" yesterday out of nowhere. I was concerned, called PO who was going to call me. The amazing thing is DD went to her probation program office when I texted her to go -- to have courage and go. And she did.

Now to pray for the TLC's if she can keep her heart open.

qcr
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« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2013, 04:25:21 AM »

Hello Everyone!      

I Just wanted to report my not-so-tiny celebration!

Last time I posted I was feeling desperate as dd was suffering drug-induced psychosis, due to her staying a couple of nights with a random boy she'd met on fb who had given her a cocktail of drugs and also, due to being there, she had missed her regular high dose of seraquel, which she badly needs to function.  I felt my world crash down and thought it was all happening over again, In my imagination visualised us losing our business due to her need for care and then our home would be repossessed and I was terrified for us all.

However, after drug testing her urine, the doctor sedated her for a week with olanzapine and within a few days that and her regular meds kicked in, the drugs left her system and we are right back where we were before, which was not too bad a place considering.

Dd has told me it has taught her not to look for thrills with strangers as it is dangerous and also that her family are the ones that really care and are always there for her.  Whether she can remember these lessons for long term is another matter but considering the nightmare place we were in a couple of weeks ago, to say I am happy and relieved is an understatement.

Also, when I saw her yesterday, she asked me how I was, I mean really wanted to know if I was coping with everything! That IS progress!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Merry Christmas Everyone!      



   

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« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2013, 02:03:06 PM »

Hi, I thought I would post this! Grandkids came we are done opening our presents. My daughter and Son In Law dropped them off. The last 2x she got out of the car to talk to me. Great since 3months or so ago she told me never to contact her again.

Today she seemed really happy and was speaking so nice. My Son In Law usually is the one who carries all the kids stuff inside she hasn't been in my home in three years as they started to walk inside the garage my daughter started to turn towards the car not to come in. I saw the look in her eyes like she wanted to come in but was afraid.

I reached out and said please come in to. She looked very happy and said yes. She told me how everything looked so beautiful we hung out for a bit. Hubby who is very angry wouldn't come up from the basement I told them he was fixing the TV. I decided I was not going to force the issue he is very angry also. About 5min. later he decided to come up. Little uncomfortable but he did it on his own

It is a little start hopefully we could finally start to heal and understand all of this.

I feel blessed right now
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« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2014, 06:52:59 PM »

Love hearing the good news and progress! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

peaceplease
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« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2014, 07:33:26 PM »

My good news is that our son, who we took in from the streets about a year and a half ago, was diagnosed today.  He is in a special-needs private high school, but I'm not sure they can meet his needs (despite an annual tuition of over $50,000).  And they act like we are awful parents for not being able to micromanage our son, who is 18.  They went so far as to tell us that he should not be left unsupervised.  On the BPD spectrum, he's not reached that level yet, they just don't want him getting high, his use is low.

My other good news is that his psych team now seems to get it, him and us.  And we have a superb facility that allows us to communicate even though he's an adult (18).  The best news, though, is that his team has great hope for him, he is able to be empathetic and extremely kind (always offers to help carry strollers up stairs, helps the elderly if they trip, etc.).  The rage is increasing, though.  His school is less academic, but a greater challenge in other ways, and his usual passive-aggressive techniques combined with innate charm no longer work.  Which is good.  I just don't appreciate being treated like a parent who doesn't have a clue when I have been living with this kid and working endlessly to get him the help he needs.
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PaulaJeanne
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« Reply #24 on: January 10, 2014, 12:24:25 PM »

I sought out this group in October after my dd20 walked out on a job at a local coffee house/restaurant that she had loved for almost a full year. She had gone off her meds & was spinning out of control.

I used what I learned here to keep a dialog going with her. I never got as worked up as I used to. I used to think I was going to die from the stress.

She started a new job this week that is the same type of work she did before (barista). It's less than a mile from our home, and she has got three days in, & says she really likes it. I just saw she posted on FB today how happy she is to have found a job where she doesn't get an anxiety attack before she walks into the place. This is really good news!
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« Reply #25 on: January 21, 2014, 05:00:11 AM »

Still having some progress with daughter. Took they advice continued to give her space since the holidays. Well she is back answering the phone when I call. Kids talking again and sounding happy Grandma is calling my daughter sounds extremely upbeat and happy and eager to have the chats on the phone seems very willing to be what I would call going out of her way to offer to help bring the kids to my house instead of me always running to her.

I started counseling with a counselor who does DBT but what I also realized I played a major role also very much so and probably has always been very CoDependent. Working on me now and not worrying about everyone and everything no longer trying to fix everyone else. Setting major boundaries. I feel good for the first time I am taking care of me. Boy oh Boy and I have been seeing a lot of changes from the people around me. I feels great to stand up and finally be heard and taken seriously. I didn't handle things in a very healthy way although I knew or thought I knew what healthy was. Reading CoDependent no more I what I saw scared me that book is screaming Me Me Me all over the place

Its a new day!
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« Reply #26 on: January 24, 2014, 10:17:49 AM »

I have some good news to share about my dd16. On the weekend we had two issues that in the past would have sent my dd into a tail spin.

On Saturday night my dd was backing out of our driveway and accidentally hit a retaining wall and did a lot of damage to her new car she got for Christmas. She was very upset and it looked pretty bad. We hugged her and assure her it was ok... . accidents happen.etc... . She went out to a friends but returned early because she was still upset. The next day my handy husband fix it up best he could with some paint and she got over it.

Monday my dd asked me to help her dye her hair back to blonde... . I foolishly said yes... . skip to 12 hours later and a lot of technical difficulties her hair was not looking to great. We decided to sleep on it and come up with a plan in the morning. In the morning I offered to try again but after a long discussion she decide to go to school and I would make an appointment at a salon for after school. For my dd to go to school with less than prefect hair is a small miracle.

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« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2014, 06:50:39 AM »

I must let you all know my my 16DD is still going strong even throughout some of the most unfair and unacceptable circumstances not of her own doing, but the professionals that were supposed to be helping HER.

I am still not going let my guard down just yet, and the example is my 14d's change of behavior and attitude/demeanor came out of nowhere and fierce.  

My 16DD will be completing a GED program as well as work part time which was her #1 preference in order to reep the positive consequences that hard work provides with a paycheck that is 100% yours.

Her outlook is positive and bright.  She is considering opportunities that exceed her present goals and if she continues on this path she will absolutely meet those goals and even surpass what I thought was never going to be in the cards for her.

I see a future for her now where as before I was talking to professionals about preparing myself for her to succeed in leaving this life.  It was a year of relentless commitment and incredible breakthroughs for her as well as me.  

Now I can turn my attention to another child of mine that is in need of corralling as I call the process of modifying unreasonable and unhealthy behavior.

Googie.

Have a beautiful day
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« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2014, 06:34:52 PM »

So after six weeks of limited contact with my uBPDss18, my husband and I had a coffee chat with him yesterday and it actually went well.  

We were playing 'text tag' for a while but because we cancelled his phone at the end of January, his new phone settings weren't compatible with his and our texts weren't getting through either way.  Although we were deeply hurt and confused by his behavior after Christmas, we decided that this first meeting would be kept light and have as much validation as we could muster.

He's staying with bioMom (possible BPD) and they're not getting along well at all with both of them raging and playing the victim.  He's on job #3 and girlfriend #2 since Christmas and has decided that 'do it yourself' tattoos are a good thing.  No interest in explaining his behavior, getting back into school, getting a learners driver license, or getting a place of his own yet. No problem - we're just happy to have him out of our house and no longer a drain on our finances and energy.  How he lives his life is now up to him and his unending dramas just don't affect us they way they used to since we've 'detached with love'.  I think we're actually emerging from the FOG, amazingly enough!

Still no contact with bioMom - as long as she gets her child support check for the younger daughter who was manipulated into moving from our house to hers with various BPD stories, she leaves us alone.  Although I do find it interesting that both kids are working part-time and paying her rent as well as the cost of their prescription medicines.

So, hubby and I are slowing adjusting to an empty nest, establishing a social life with friends and family, re-connecting with each other, and learning not to 'stick our hands in the crazy', as my wise mom used to say.

There's hope after all!
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« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2014, 07:22:19 PM »

On March 1st, my son reached his one year anniversary of being clean and sober (from opiates--his major past problem--and everything else, including alcohol).

He is now 37, and every year since turning 20, his birthday has been a trigger for suicidal ideation. But not this year... .

Also, my husband and I have just returned from a 3 week vacation, a 2-day drive away from home. A yearly vacation that regularly saw some trauma occur for my son (who stays home), culminating in his spectacular flame-out last year that ended up with him getting arrested for possession, being hospitalized for suicidal ideation the day after being released from the custody (he was never jailed or convicted of anything), and then finally being admitted to the Dual Diagnosis Program that saved his life, 2.5 weeks after we got home from vacation.

I had been very frightened to leave this year for our vacation, fearing that something would happen to him as usual, although I knew intellectually that he is a different person now, and that I needed to trust him in his recovery. But, the whole 3 weeks we were away, I was a little apprehensive in my self-determined trust... . listening for tell-tale signs of anything that seemed "off" in our phone conversations every 3 or 4 days. Nothing ever did seem amiss, but I knew that I wouldn't know for sure till we finally got home and I could see him with my own eyes. You know the feeling, I'm sure... .

Well, things are fine. He is fine. Though he had to miss his Outpatient Therapy and Psychiatric Therapy while we were gone, his Neurofeedback Therapist did come and pick him up and bring him home, for three 2.5 hour sessions spaced many days apart to last the duration of our vacation. We'd worked it out ahead of time to keep him in "recovery mode" and still taking one step after another in his process, to prevent relapse. It did the trick!  And he is one year clean and sober, and getting healthier physically and mentally, than ever before Smiling (click to insert in post)

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