How do you forgive?

[Depression = 72% of members]

To forgive I have had to explore the pain within and find her in my heart through gnosis. I had to be true to who I am in the space I needed to heal. An incredibly painfull journey.

[Blimblam]

To forgive I have had to explore the pain within and find her in my heart through gnosis. I had to be true to who I am in the space I needed to heal. An incredibly painfull journey.

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[flowerpath]

I just responded to a thread on the Taking Personal Inventory board, and thought that this thread that I started back in the summer would be a good place to post a portion of what I wrote:

When I first came here, I was so angry and I wanted to know how I could even forgive.  Waverider’s response that forgiveness is closely tied to resentment moved me to look closer at all that happened over the years and compare it to what I was learning about BPD.  I was able to categorize all of those hurtful behaviors into 7 out of 9 characteristics of BPD and make some sense of what seemed to be senseless.  I realized that like any other person who has a form of mental illness or any kind of disability, this is not a disorder that my uBPDh chose, and I was finally able to forgive the events of the past.

Then I found that I was angry with myself for the ways I had betrayed myself and gotten myself into this mess and stayed in this mess.   I considered how before we married, I did not heed the red flags that told me that something was amiss.  I thought about how I explained away the warnings of my family and friends.  I considered what experiences in my FOO shaped my thinking, what my thoughts had been about his behaviors, how I responded, and why I made the choices that I did. I thought about all of the reasons that I stayed, even before we had children.  I was able to pinpoint the reasoning behind all of my thoughts and choices, and instead of being angry, I was able to love and forgive myself instead.

I think that anger is justified and that it does take time to work through.  Now that I have been able to settle in my mind what the behaviors were and are about, understand why I've made the choices that I have, and forgive him and myself, I know that dwelling on the hurt of the past will take me nowhere good.  I feel that doing what I can to look after myself in the here and now and planning for the future is the best place to put my thoughts and efforts.  

Maybe in time I will think better of all of this, and not think of it as a "mess".

[waverider]

I just responded to a thread on the Taking Personal Inventory board, and thought that this thread that I started back in the summer would be a good place to post a portion of what I wrote:

When I first came here, I was so angry and I wanted to know how I could even forgive.  Waverider’s response that forgiveness is closely tied to resentment moved me to look closer at all that happened over the years and compare it to what I was learning about BPD.  I was able to categorize all of those hurtful behaviors into 7 out of 9 characteristics of BPD and make some sense of what seemed to be senseless.  I realized that like any other person who has a form of mental illness or any kind of disability, this is not a disorder that my uBPDh chose, and I was finally able to forgive the events of the past.

Then I found that I was angry with myself for the ways I had betrayed myself and gotten myself into this mess and stayed in this mess.   I considered how before we married, I did not heed the red flags that told me that something was amiss.  I thought about how I explained away the warnings of my family and friends.  I considered what experiences in my FOO shaped my thinking, what my thoughts had been about his behaviors, how I responded, and why I made the choices that I did. I thought about all of the reasons that I stayed, even before we had children.  I was able to pinpoint the reasoning behind all of my thoughts and choices, and instead of being angry, I was able to love and forgive myself instead.

I think that anger is justified and that it does take time to work through.  Now that I have been able to settle in my mind what the behaviors were and are about, understand why I've made the choices that I have, and forgive him and myself, I know that dwelling on the hurt of the past will take me nowhere good.  I feel that doing what I can to look after myself in the here and now and planning for the future is the best place to put my thoughts and efforts.  

Maybe in time I will think better of all of this, and not think of it as a "mess".

Acceptance is as much about accepting our own failings as it is about accepting the failings of others. It humanizes us, it releases us from the delusional thinking that we are somehow a benchmark of how others should behave.

This was hard for me as I brought two kids into this RS and they copped it rough as I had no idea how to stop making things worse. I still carry a bit of guilt over that. At the end of the day it may have been my failings that contributed to the mess, but it was not my fault, I was doing my best with what little I knew (which was next to nothing). I had to accept my part, and forgive myself also.

At the end of the day due to my efforts with the help of this site, we are all coming out of it a little more healthy with a clear path in front of us.

You cannot manage a BPD relationship on your own without gaining knowledge, the best you will do is survive. Survival alone is not enough.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm jumping in here late, with some fundamental thoughts about forgiveness.

First, you forgive for yourself, not for the person you are forgiving. I'd compare the opposite (not forgiving, holding a grudge) to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.

Note: Forgiveness by this definition means you stop carrying the pain around in your head and your heart. It doesn't mean you have to trust the person you have forgiven, or even allow any future contact. (For example, I'm fairly close to that kind of forgiveness for the guy my wife cheated with... .and will avoid all contact with him in the future if possible. I have zero respect for him. Forgiving my wife is more complicated, but I'm getting there too.)

Second, it is just about impossible to forgive something while it is still happening, or being held over you. (You can't forgive somebody for beating you up in between punches!) So much of what  you need to forgive will require you to set up strong boundaries and enforce them to protect yourself before you can forgive.

Third... .what you just said here, flowerpath. You have to work through a lot of feelings before you are ready to forgive. Especially if you have been stuffing those feelings for years!

[waverider]

Third... .what you just said here, flowerpath. You have to work through a lot of feelings before you are ready to forgive. Especially if you have been stuffing those feelings for years!

Forgiving does not negate your right to any of the feelings you have, or may have had. ie you don't need to view your feelings as being wrong. They just are, or where. Part of the journey.

Forgiveness is the bridge over the troubled water to where the grass is a little greener

[myself]

Forgiveness is a tool and state of mind that helps us face our letting go.

[Cat Familiar]

First, you forgive for yourself, not for the person you are forgiving... .Forgiveness by this definition means you stop carrying the pain around in your head and your heart... .So much of what  you need to forgive will require you to set up strong boundaries and enforce them to protect yourself before you can forgive... .You have to work through a lot of feelings before you are ready to forgive. Especially if you have been stuffing those feelings for years!

Forgiveness is definitely a decision. And when we've experienced repeated nastiness from our SO, it's almost like having PTSD--we are hyper vigilant and expect bad behavior and then it's easy for our expectations to manifest in reality.

I guess what keeps me from being forgiving is the feeling that I was wronged and that he hasn't acknowledged it enough. And partly that stems from having a previous BPDh who repeatedly kept me off balance through bad behavior that he apologized for, but then repeated. So my level of trust is rather low.