ex in "replies to email regarding owed money"

[BlondeRunner]

I’m 9 weeks NC with my diagnosed BPDexbf - most of you will know the drill: we had an argument, he gave me the silent treatment, blocked me, I let him get on with it and, apart from a couple of minor nudges from his end, nothing was said and that was that. (FYI: This is the first break up, no past recycles, just one ride on the merry-go-round before being flung into oblivion... .)

My ex owes me a substantial sum of money that was clearly agreed to be paid back- he actually has a very good job and no problem repaying me. While the thought of breaking NC didn’t exactly fill me with joy, at the same time I strongly felt he should pay me back. I wrestled with this for a bit and decided to send him an email (which was much more reasonable than he deserved!) offering to work something out in regard to repaying my money. Frankly, I didn’t expect a reply and had planned my next steps to involve a lawyer (although I didn’t mention that!). He replied within two minutes. I nearly fell off my chair! Now, I’m fine but it has baffled me somewhat:

• I’m stunned he replied. I, and most of my family and friends, were 100% banking on him continuing to ignore me – I have been blocked and ignored for 9 weeks solid, in fact I expected my email to also be blocked.

• My expectations if a reply was received were a) it would be after some time, to drag it out, to show he’s not at my beck and call etc and b) be something quite cold and probably on the not-so-nice side, I half wondered if I might just get an “F-off!” judging by his actions! The casual and pleasant (yes, pleasant!) nature of his emails was not what I was anticipating, for example, he “hopes everything is good with me” (really dude? Well I can tell ya that things weren’t good when you ruthlessly blocked me from your existence! That stung a little!) and he even thanked me for "understanding” (Ok, I’m going to take that as a “thank you kindly for not justifiably tearing my head off over the hideous way I treated you”!)

• I kept the email conversation strictly relating to the money (as did he) but, since we were somewhat on the topic anyway, I did kind of expect him to address the fact that he still has a ton of my stuff at his house which he has never returned (when I asked about it previously I was ignored... .). But no mention of that. I didn’t bring it up either, to be honest I didn’t want to push my luck and was just focussing on the money. Er, maybe he really did have a ceremonial bonfire of all my stuff in his garden. . .  

I don’t feel upset or anything, in fact I am thankful that we didn’t get entangled in a nasty exchange (which was my worry actually as it would have made me feel worse than being further ignored). I guess it just wasn’t what I expected considering what has gone on. A nasty exchange would actually have been more consistent with his behaviour.  I just found the whole interaction a bit... .BIZARRE!

[seeking balance]

so, what did he actually say about repaying the money?  Did he give you a timeline?

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Seeking Balance, 

Yes - he made quite a reasonable suggestion of amounts and when he would pay them which I accepted. It's quite a lump sum that he owes so I agreed to split it into smaller chunks (I would rather get the amount in one or two payments in order to get it done and over with but it's not really feasible and I just want my money!  ). First lot to come next week apparently. Fingers crossed. . .

BR x

[seeking balance]

Hi Seeking Balance, 

Yes - he made quite a reasonable suggestion of amounts and when he would pay them which I accepted. It's quite a lump sum that he owes so I agreed to split it into smaller chunks (I would rather get the amount in one or two payments in order to get it done and over with but it's not really feasible and I just want my money!  ). First lot to come next week apparently. Fingers crossed. . .

BR x

good deal

As hard as it is, try not to focus on his words right now... .they are words- be grateful it was easy and if he sends the money as scheduled,  good for you

Keep us posted and keep your expectations realistic... .BPD is an attachment disorder, not a morality issue.  The money payment or not is more about staying attached (real or imagined)... .be mindful of this.    Maybe brush up on communication tools if any further correspondence is necessary or post here for feedback before reacting.

Simple "thank you" can go a long way with pwBPD.

Peace,

SB

[BlondeRunner]

Thank you so much SB.

As hard as it is, try not to focus on his words right now... .they are words- be grateful it was easy... .

Agreed! I’m very thankful it was stress free and you’re right: they are just words. It’s hard though as his behaviour towards me was absolutely brutal and yet he sends me a perfectly good-natured response in two seconds flat. It’s confusing for sure but I know there’s no sense to be found here.

... .and keep your expectations realistic... .BPD is an attachment disorder, not a morality issue.  The money payment or not is more about staying attached (real or imagined)... .be mindful of this.   

As in my expectations of whether he will actually pay the money? Well, to be honest I do expect that he will pay it. Do you think this is actually quite unlikely?

Maybe brush up on communication tools if any further correspondence is necessary or post here for feedback before reacting.

This is such an excellent suggestion and I’ll definitely do this since this is all relatively new to me.


On another note, I’m pretty strong-willed but I can see how breaking NC is a very slippery slope indeed. Ideally I wouldn’t have contacted him, I’ve never been one for keeping links and I’m very much a “cold turkey” gal for my own sanity but I have been slightly unsettled this morning – the temptation is there to demand an explanation behind the last two months since he seems reasonable at the moment. I won’t do this, it’s just a thought that will pass. Just gotta plough onwards as before.

[seeking balance]

As in my expectations of whether he will actually pay the money? Well, to be honest I do expect that he will pay it. Do you think this is actually quite unlikely?

He may pay, but it might look slightly different than what you agree.  Sometimes pwBPD use control as a tool to manage their own emotions.  Like it or not, for him - paying back this money is likely to push his abandonment button (real or perceived).

As such, the communication tools, making sure to depersonalize and have solid boundaries is your best bet.

If I were in your shoes, I would email the agreement he agreed to, but saying - hey X, I just want to make sure that I understand what we agreed to - is this how you understood it?  If not, please feel free to let me know.  This way you are covered, you give him the illusion of control and no matter what he says next (if it is reasonable) say "sounds good".  This is one of those times where being right is not going to serve you - let him be right.

Feel free to post a note here for feedback if you choose that route.  Definitely understand SET, DEARMAN, JADE before you engage in communications as money is a highly charged issue even for people not having a PD.

[willtimeheal]

My ex BPD owes me quite a bit of money. When I asked her about it she said "I don't know what you are talking about."  She know this is the last thing she has to hang on to me. I am trying to decide whether to cut my losses or take her to court. I do believe.It is a way they know they can stay in contact with us.

[BlondeRunner]

Like it or not, for him - paying back this money is likely to push his abandonment button (real or perceived).

It’s funny though as if this did push his abandonment button I would expect him to NOT pay up in order to keep that connection. He was way more cooperative about it than I ever imagined! In fact, I’d say more obliging than I’d expect from a non!

As such, the communication tools, making sure to depersonalize and have solid boundaries is your best bet... .Feel free to post a note here for feedback if you choose that route.  Definitely understand SET, DEARMAN, JADE before you engage in communications as money is a highly charged issue even for people not having a PD.

Thanks a lot SB. I think I have done well so far by being neutral, clear and polite but I’ll definitely brush up on the communication stuff as I don’t really know too much about it. And yes, will post for feedback if need be... .goodness know if I had done that earlier we wouldn’t be in this pickle!

Hi Willtimeheal! 

My ex BPD owes me quite a bit of money. When I asked her about it she said "I don't know what you are talking about."... .I am trying to decide whether to cut my losses or take her to court.

It’s certainly a tricky one. I also wrestled between cutting my losses or going after it - if it had been a less amount I think I may have just left it. Only you know what to do. I think it also depends on who you are dealing with in terms of the pwBPD.  My ex isn’t the aggressive, raging type at all so I figured the outcome would be either a) I’d get further silence (that’s ok – I’m used to it!) or b) I’d get my money. It was going to be one or the other although I was pretty much certain it would be option a. Had my ex been more the raging type I may have felt differently about going after my money. Sometimes it’s just not worth it... .

I do believe  it is a way they know they can stay in contact with us.

Well I never! Now I’m extremely upset and feeling very insulted indeed by my dBPDexbf! Trust me to have found the only pwBPD in the entire world who is so utterly thrilled to be able to get rid of any ties and contact with me that he virtually jumped at the chance to pay me back!  Hahahaha!