advice for talking to teens about BPD mom

[mt grl]

I am the step mom to 2 teen boys whose mom is uBPD and an alcoholic/addict. My DH has gone to court twice to limit her visitation, so now they only see her 1 weekend/month and 6 weeks in the summer. We have always avoided talking about her and her issues to the kids because she is their mom and they love her, but her behaviors have gotten so bad lately that we feel like we have to address the elephant in the room.

For example, over the 4th of July holiday which fell during her 6 week visitation, my husband's family had a family reunion in the same town that she lives in. The boys had both begged their mom to let them spend a few hours with their cousins that they only see once a year but she refused. The cousins kept texting the boys begginf to spend time with them so she finally relented and said she would bring them to the parade and they could hang out there. She and her "boyfriend" of 1 week parked across the street from us and the kids ran back and forth. My SIL walked over to say hi to her and came back and said she was completely wasted. This was at 9:30 am. After much begging, she allowed the boys to come with us for a couple of hours. When my SIL dropped them off at their mom's house at noon she was so drunk that she couldn't make a complete sentence and the oldest boy had to speak for her. She also fell down and ripped her shirt and scraped her elbows. On the ride back to our place, my niece told her mom that the younger boy told her that his mom is an alcoholic. Therefore we feel it's time to talk to them about it.

For those of you with BPD parents, what would have helped you the most growing up? The boys are both scared of and protective of her, so I know we need to tread lightly, but I think they need to be able to talk about what they experience instead of keeping it all inside. as I said, we have done what we can to limit the time they spend with her and provide them a loving, stable and supportive home.

What else can we do to help?

[littlebirdcline]

Wow.  Well, first it seems like there's a safety issue.  If she is driving them around drunk, and they are in her care when she's wasted, that cannot continue.  Not only is it dangerous for their physical well-being, but very damaging to them psychologically as well.  In my opinion, they should not be allowed visitation if that is her state when they're there.

I agree it's time you talk to them about it; clearly they see what is happening.  They probably feel responsible for her.  I know I did- still do.

I was "lucky" that my mother is fairly high functioning and never had problems with alcohol or anything.  We were always well-fed, told we were loved, taken on activities, etc... .  But emotionally, she is a child.  I surpassed her emotional maturity level in about kindergarten, I think.  She has always been incredibly dependent on me, as her main emotional support/confidante, telling me everything, including problems with my dad, family, her traumatic childhood, etc... ., from a very, very young age.  I have always put her first, adjusted my personality to her, and absorbed untold amounts of emotional (and some physical) abuse.  My dad never did a damn thing.  Still won't, to this day.  In fact, he's mad at me right now because I finally had enough and haven't talked to her in six weeks. 

What I would have loved as a kid was for someone to listen to my feelings without judging them, misinterpreting them, and telling me that I was a liar.  I would have loved my dad to acknowledge that her treatment of us was inappropriate and to take my side.  Your stepsons clearly have that, so I would think the best thing to do is start by letting them talk.  Giving them a safe space.  Letting them know its okay to love her and be angry with her at the same time.  Be kind in your description of her.  Honest, but kind.  Make sure they know none of it is their fault, and that it's not fair.  And that they can't fix her. 

Of course, I'm 39, and I'm still trying to learn those things.  I really hope things improve.  But I think they are very lucky to have not only a great dad, but to have you as well.  A positive maternal image is so good for them.  I can tell you my dad's mother was likely BPD as well, and I think that's why he has put up with her for so long.  So, a model of a positive, nurturing marriage and mother- figure is a great thing for them to have. 

And finally, I will say therapy has been key for me.  My husband is fantastic and a good listener, as I'm sure you guys are, but there's something about being able to talk to an uninvolved party that is so crucial. 

[Progress Not Perfection]

Mt girl,

First of all, kudos for you and your husband for working on setting boundaries and limiting the kids contact with their mom. Some of the memories that I hold on to of my own childhood are of my dad and stepmom protecting me from my mom with BPD by strongly enforcing boundaries, so that it was not "my fault", since my mom had far more power to hurt me than them. Going to their house was a safe haven, but I could never tell her that, so by them "forcing" me to spend time at their house they gave me SUCH a gift!

That being said, my mom had at least equal if not more time with my sister and I than my dad had with us. I still have a hard time forgiving my dad for leaving me to take care of her... .however, I also think that one of the best things he did for me was "moving out of crazy town" (what I call my mom's sense of reality and normalcy -- which is NOT healthy for anyone). His choice to be healthy in his own life has been a gift to me as I have woken up and moved out of crazy town myself. It's awesome to have a parent who is there with welcoming arms and the ability to listen and validate. I love reading that you and your DH are doing just that!

To your question, I distinctly remember when my dad tried to give me the book "stop walking on eggshells". I was about 15, and had probably recently had a conflict or especially distressing conversation with my mom. He said something along the lines of "I know your mom can be difficult to deal with, this might help." While this was SO well intentioned, it also seemed to me (at the time) to confirm what she always said about him -- that he was "so hard on her" and trying to pit us against her. So... .it didn't fully work at the time. However, when I started to come to terms with my own depression/anxiety/etc years later, I feel like in that one moment he gave me a matchbox that I kept in my pocket until I was ready for it, at which point it that small amount of light helped me to start the long (and ongoing) process of coming out of the dark.

My guess is that your DH has to take the lead on talking to your stepsons, since it is possible that their mom already has them primed to pit you against her. Probably against your DH, too, but I know for my mom it was/is always WAY more focused on whoever my dad was currently dating/married to than it was to him, since she idealizes/devalues him still.

I think that the number one thing that I don't remember hearing, and that I desperately needed to hear from ANY of the adults who knew how my mom was treating me, was "you do not deserve to be treated this way". Honestly, if that is all you get out of this post, I think that's the most important thing.

Oh! Also! (i have a lot to say apparently  ) if they aren't in therapy or counseling that can be a great outlet too. So can good friends and supportive family members. For me a key piece was feeling like the person I was talking to either 1) loved my mom too, even if she was being totally ridiculous, and was therefore able to understand that even though she hurt me I wouldn't hurt her back and/or 2)would never ever ever ever tell her what i said. Because of the mind games she put me through with my dad, I wasn't 100% sure that was him back then. Now I know it is, thank goodness!

Hang in there!

[mt grl]

You both have very good insight and advice. I'm so sorry for what you have been put through and are continuing to struggle with. Hopefully you can continue to heal.

I wish there was more we could do to prevent the boys from visiting their mom, but unfortunately the courts don't offer much protection without a very long battle. It took us almost a year to get the current schedule, and that was only because she agreed to settle. If we had to go through the entire process we would still be in court and they would be visiting her every other weekend and all summer. And we also have built in language so that if they have sports or other activities then she doesn't get her weekend because that is more important and she will not take them to games or social events. It's amazing that she cares so little for their lives and interests, but she pretends to be so loving. She doesn't really know what to do with them now that they are maturing and don't really care for her smothering "love". An example of this is when she calls the boys every few weeks and keeps them on the phone for almost an hour. They are desperate to hang up, but every time they try to say they need to go to bed or whatever she gets upset that they don't want to talk to her. It's so sad.

We will do our best to let them know that we are a safe place to talk about their feelings, but I do understand what your saying that it may be hard for them to trust us because of what she has told them. Both of us as well as DH's awesome family have all been vilified by her, and we are to blame for her horrible life. Currently I am the lead demon, but we all take turns. I do believe the boys know who is really there for them, and it's not her.

[Ziggiddy]

mt grl

It is a wonderful thing that you want to help and provide some structure and support to the boys.

It's commendable that you don't wish to solve or fix the problem - weird as it seems to say that, it shows a great depth of maturity.

My folks were so dysfunctional behind the doors and so normal seeming to others that there was a constant dichotomy between how I viewed the world and the world being unaware of how skewed our perspectives were. What would have helped me was to know that THIS was not normal. That it wasn't my fault and it wasn't always my problem to solve. To know that others understood that this kind of behaviour is actually quite abusive. The emotional dependence that was put on us kids was highly pervasive and ultimately the most damaging. If I had been taught or shown somehow that I wasn't responsible for my mother's emotional state I might have avoided an incredible load of guilt.

Also just being available for them to talk to might be of more service than you can possibly imagine. Being calm, loving, reasonable and available. They will benefit just from someone non judgmental to talk to.

Bless you for reaching out to them to help.

Ziggiddy

[littlebirdcline]

It occurred to me the folks in the "Coparenting after the split" board might have some good suggestions.  Perhaps they've already seen this, but could you try posting there, too?  Just a thought.