Self Parenting

[Reforming]

Hi all  

I've been thinking a lot about my own FOO issues to try and understand myself better and get healthier

My rescuing tendencies  

My narcissistic traits.  

Self esteem issues  :'(

I'm the third child of seven. I would say that my parents are very codependent.

My father is intellectually bright (art critic) but can't drive a car or even ride a bike.

He went to work and came home late after we'd gone to bed, buried himself in a book or locked himself in a room and listened to music. He rarely if ever spent shared any time or activities  with us and consistently avoided any real involvement in his children's lives

He could also be a frightening figure and on a few occasions he was violent which left its mark on me and my older brother

We had no real relationship with him until we were adults.

I didn't know any better but looking back now it's very obvious his emotional absence during my childhood left a hole in me and my siblings - a hunger for a father

My mother is much stronger and more positive but she's a rescuer who is frequently too enmeshed in her children's lives.

I think healthy boundaries were absent but I also think my father's disconnection with me and my brothers and sisters has also left most of us missing important life skills.

I realise to heal and address I need learn to be my own father.

But I'm not quite sure of the best way to address this.

Your thoughts and feedback would be appreciated

Thanks

Reforming

[Blimblam]

Reforming it's good you are taking the time to self reflect I'm this way I am doing a lot of this same work right now and it isn't easy. 

A phrase or mantra I created in the past when recovering from a BPD relationship to help heal was this. 

We don't choose where we come from and we are all at different points on our journey.

It helped me find compassion acceptance and forgiveness when confronting a lot of these issues and is helping somewhat now but that's just where Im at in the journey.

[seeking balance]

I realise to heal and address I need learn to be my own father.

But I'm not quite sure of the best way to address this.

Your thoughts and feedback would be appreciated

First off, good job for tackling these big questions 

Overall, working with a qualified T is really useful in this area.  Many books are good, one that comes to mind for this particular question is The Betrayal Bond.

To reparent, we need to know what we missed and what the effects that has on us.  With our own self talk, we begin to talk to ourselves like we needed as a child. 

Renewing trust in others and ourselves takes time - a good T can help you develop a trusting relationship - everyone needs to have a trusting relationship to heal.  Sometimes support groups can serve this purpose too. 

Abandonment & lack of boundaries - these are common themes to accepting a lonely or unfulfilled relationship... .fear is why we accept this as ok and it is breaking down the fear that we free ourselves.

Do you have a T right now?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi reforming, In his book, Iron John, Robert Bly talks a lot about the hunger for a father.  He doesn't suggest, however, trying to be your own father.  Instead, he discusses the need for a male mentor.  Lucky Jim

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Reforming,

You are doing some real reflecting and I am impressed with your self honesty.

In the grand scheme of things, we need a mother and a father and that's just the way it is but when disorder steals away the growth and normal family love that we should have experienced we learn not to look there for it. Reparenting yourself is a real way to address what is missing and oh so necessary - self love. healthy balanced self love.

I have heard again and again from all over the everywhere that this comes from within. Personally, I challenge that. i think it comes from outside and then is accepted within.

We are social creatures, us humans and we none of us learn in a vacuum.

Do you have friends, trusted friends who you feel love you with any of the qualities that were so sadly missing from your own father?

Do  you find you know what those qualities are? An honest list may help you focus on what you want.

I have found it so worthwhile in reflecting on the love I count on from friends and letting that pour in the holes. From there I can say "Hey! These people believe in me. And that's a place to start."

From there it is our own process to accept whatever love is given to us. yes we know it won't replace a parent but it goes a long way to building us up, I believe.

Another analogy is one of the whale drifting through the ocean and picking up plankton and letting the rest filter through. Perhaps you can focus on the 'emotional plankton' that is good from either parent and hold onto that bit without feeling it is eclipsed by the rest?

like you I had a detached father - not nearly as cold or withdrawn as yours. Well not on purpose I'm sure. What would confuse me was the times he WOULD engage so warmly. But the times were so brief and unreal that I finally realised it was a combination of his 'duty' and obedience to others who would say "You should do (insert family type activity here)" so he would obey.

After a good deal of vacillation I now have decided to focus on those and accept that the rest are best accepted without being overly reacted to. it doesn't make me feel like I have the love of my dad but it does give me a peace of a kind and from there I have been able to find a solid foundation for building my own self esteem.

I hope you find your own voice, Reformed. i am sure you will. If nothing else you know what NOT to do, don't you?

Peace

Ziggiddy

[Reforming]

Thanks Blimbam and Seeking Balance for sharing your advice.

"We don't choose where we come from and we are all at different points on our journey".

I think this very true. I'm trying not judge myself or impose a rigid timeline for my healing. Instead I try to focus on doing the right things as consistently as I can and let go of the outcome.

Seeking Balance.

I was seeing a schema therapist last year. It definitely helped but for various reasons which don't necessarily reflect on her professional abilities she wasn't the right fit for me.

I've been exploring other therapists but I recognise that I need to start again.

Schema did help me to begin to talk to my inner child and I found it very helpful.

"Renewing trust in others and ourselves takes time - a good T can help you develop a trusting relationship - everyone needs to have a trusting relationship to heal.  Sometimes support groups can serve this purpose too."

I don't think I distrust everyone else - though this may very well only emerge in intimacy which I'm not ready for yet. I do think learning to trust myself and love myself is definitely a core issue.

"Abandonment & lack of boundaries - these are common themes to accepting a lonely or unfulfilled relationship... .fear is why we accept this as ok and it is breaking down the fear that we free ourselves."

I realise that I was recreating a foundational relationship with my udBPDex. Trying to have a relationship with someone who was essentially emotionally unavailable (like my father) and trying to rescue (like my mother).

I think Schema can help me address these life traps  and learn healthier boundaries.

Thanks for your suggestion Lucky Jim.  

"In his book, Iron John, Robert Bly talks a lot about the hunger for a father.  He doesn't suggest, however, trying to be your own father.  Instead, he discusses the need for a male mentor."

I realise that unconsciously for most of my life I've been seeking father figures but I've focussed on the wrong people - not their fault - and then acted out and pushed boundaries to try and force them to fulfil that role

I came across this book online

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Father-Factor-Fathers-Impacts/dp/1591024102 which looks interesting.

Ziggiddy

Thanks for the support.

My father can be affectionate and kind though he is so profoundly avoidant that he's almost emotionally autistic.

My mother recently discovered that he'd had affairs in the past and she is struggling to deal with this.  He's elderly and though I feel anger towards him I've tried to forgive.  He's damaged in his own way and I want to make the best of what time I have left with him and my mother.

It's funny for many years I blamed our family dysfunction on my mother but I now realise that though she made mistakes she tried her best to mother us. He just ran away.

I do have a support network, a couple of close friends and siblings and I have rebuilt my relationship with both my parents since the end of my relationship with my udBPDexgf.

But I've also accepted that due to my own rescuing / narcissistic tendencies and poor self esteem I was drawn to unhealthy relationships in general

Shortly after breaking up with my udBPDexgf and old friend moved in with me.

He needed somewhere to stay for a while and I thought the company would be healthy. But he's had mental health problems of his own and six months after moving in he tried to commit suicide in my apartment (I was away for the weekend).

I have discussed this with a therapist and after trying to maintain LC with him I decided it was healthier to end our friendship.

I know that I need to work at building a bigger and stronger network of healthier friends.

Many thanks for all your advice and help

Reforming