Got a second opinion: personality disorder of unspecified type

[HopefulDad]

While I waffle between "undecided" and "staying", I've been trying to get some clarity on my wife's mental state.  After a half-year of marriage counseling, my wife was diagnosed (disclosed to me only) by the MC as having BPD in October 2013.  I took that and ran with it, prompting me to come to these boards and learn about it.  Still, like with any professional diagnosis that could be life-changing, I came around to the idea that a second opinion may help confirm the original diagnosis.  So after months of telling my wife no to her idea of seeing a second MC, I agreed and let her pick one.  She picked one that was different in gender and in style (first MC focused on CBT, 2nd one focused on Gottman's 7 principles of marriage).

Well, last week my wife quit this 2nd MC as the "heat was being turned up" and we were being challenged on our roles in our dysfunction.  She did the same with the first.  So again, upon ending the MC relationship I had a one-on-one as I did with the first to get her take on me, my wife and us as a couple.

She wouldn't go as far to say my wife has BPD, but she said for sure my wife has a PD of unspecified type.  She says my wife's world view is very self-centered and my wife has no real empathy.  She believes my wife is severely traumatized by an abusive childhood and really needs to be treated for it.  Always requesting blunt honesty and candor, I asked what she thought about our future and she said, "I don't know how you'll be able to stay married to that woman if something doesn't change."  The first MC said something similar in our wrap-up session.

I think I'm getting ready to pull the plug.  I determined a long time ago that I don't have it in me to stay married to someone with a PD and put up with the random attacks, severe mood swings, long bouts of silent treatment, triangulation with the kids and all the other crap I've had to endure.

My wife said she still wants to keep working on us and find a "3rd time's the charm" MC.  I'm 100% positive this will lead to the same result of her quitting again and me hearing in private my wife has a PD.  I'm trying to determine what value this has.  If my goal is to go to my wife as some future point and tell her that 3 different MC's have diagnosed her with a PD and she needs to address it, I guess it has value.  If my goal is to keep my wife in any type of therapy in hopes of of someone helping her see her PD, I guess it has value.  The value I don't see is expecting it to actually help us.

[tbddbt]

The problem is that marriage counseling for pwBPD is like treating the cough when you have pneumonia. The symptoms will never go away and the marriage will always be rocky because the main problem, BPD, needs to be addressed directly.  If she does go and follow through with dbt therapy, there is almost no chance that anything will get better. Believe me, I've tried.

[tbddbt]

I meant to say "unless" she goes and follow through with dbt. Sorry for the typo.

[HopefulDad]

The problem is that marriage counseling for pwBPD is like treating the cough when you have pneumonia. The symptoms will never go away and the marriage will always be rocky because the main problem, BPD, needs to be addressed directly.  If she does go and follow through with dbt therapy, there is almost no chance that anything will get better. Believe me, I've tried.

I've understood this since the original diagnosis and this is why I didn't want to seek a second MC.  It wasn't until after months that I figured that maybe at least a 2nd MC could confirm the original diagnosis and that's sort of what happened... .not BPD, but a PD.

I feel relieved to get that 2nd diagnosis so any action I take based on a diagnosis has less of a chance of being based on a misdiagnosis.

Still, I'm not sure where this leaves me.

[LettingGo14]

Still, I'm not sure where this leaves me.

I'm sorry, HopefulDad.  I wish there was some road map, or list of action steps I could offer.  What things have been helpful for you -- for yourself -- during this time?

[HopefulDad]

Still, I'm not sure where this leaves me.

I'm sorry, HopefulDad.  I wish there was some road map, or list of action steps I could offer.  What things have been helpful for you -- for yourself -- during this time?

Well, I moved out of the house in January and that has allowed me the physical space I need to gather my thoughts without interference.  We still interact quite a lot as I'm at the house in the evenings to spend time with the kids, but knowing our interactions have a hard stop rather than the dread of some late-night blowup is nice.

Despite knowing the 2nd MC sessions were not going to bear fruit as far as progress goes, I did enjoy the sessions.  I got to air some of my wife's episodes to someone without any serious refute.  There was a perverse satisfaction in watching my wife twist herself in knots with some of her logic and rationalizations.

After several months of being out of the house, I gained about 10 lbs from eating take-out frequently.  In the last few weeks I've cut back and watched carefully what I eat, losing about 5 lbs in the process and I feel good.

I coached my oldest daughter's soccer team this spring for the first time ever and really enjoyed it.  I'll be coaching her team again in the fall.

I've been reaching out more to friends, but finding it difficult to make plans work due to everyone's family obligations.

My biggest frustration is that I would like to share what's been going on with close friends, but they are also close with my wife (especially their spouses) and this would create an awkward dynamic and risk triangulating them in our issues.  Fortunately I do have some close friends who are not close to my wife, but only one is local while the others are old friends who live far away.

[LettingGo14]

Well, I moved out of the house in January and that has allowed me the physical space I need to gather my thoughts without interference.  We still interact quite a lot as I'm at the house in the evenings to spend time with the kids, but knowing our interactions have a hard stop rather than the dread of some late-night blowup is nice.

Despite knowing the 2nd MC sessions were not going to bear fruit as far as progress goes, I did enjoy the sessions.  I got to air some of my wife's episodes to someone without any serious refute.  There was a perverse satisfaction in watching my wife twist herself in knots with some of her logic and rationalizations.

After several months of being out of the house, I gained about 10 lbs from eating take-out frequently.  In the last few weeks I've cut back and watched carefully what I eat, losing about 5 lbs in the process and I feel good.

I coached my oldest daughter's soccer team this spring for the first time ever and really enjoyed it.  I'll be coaching her team again in the fall.

I've been reaching out more to friends, but finding it difficult to make plans work due to everyone's family obligations.

My biggest frustration is that I would like to share what's been going on with close friends, but they are also close with my wife (especially their spouses) and this would create an awkward dynamic and risk triangulating them in our issues.  Fortunately I do have some close friends who are not close to my wife, but only one is local while the others are old friends who live far away.

I'm glad you get to spend time with the kids -- that's invaluable to both you and them. 

Around the time of my own divorce (prior to relationship with pwBPD), I heard the acronym MEDS, which stands for Meditation, Exercise, Diet, and Sleep.   I think I did very little of each during that time, but like you, I started with watching what I ate, and then slowly increased the other activities.

Have you thought of a T for yourself, as a measure of self-care and relief?   And, with regard to sharing, I am glad you are sharing here.  We are all in this together.

[HopefulDad]

Well, I moved out of the house in January and that has allowed me the physical space I need to gather my thoughts without interference.  We still interact quite a lot as I'm at the house in the evenings to spend time with the kids, but knowing our interactions have a hard stop rather than the dread of some late-night blowup is nice.

Despite knowing the 2nd MC sessions were not going to bear fruit as far as progress goes, I did enjoy the sessions.  I got to air some of my wife's episodes to someone without any serious refute.  There was a perverse satisfaction in watching my wife twist herself in knots with some of her logic and rationalizations.

After several months of being out of the house, I gained about 10 lbs from eating take-out frequently.  In the last few weeks I've cut back and watched carefully what I eat, losing about 5 lbs in the process and I feel good.

I coached my oldest daughter's soccer team this spring for the first time ever and really enjoyed it.  I'll be coaching her team again in the fall.

I've been reaching out more to friends, but finding it difficult to make plans work due to everyone's family obligations.

My biggest frustration is that I would like to share what's been going on with close friends, but they are also close with my wife (especially their spouses) and this would create an awkward dynamic and risk triangulating them in our issues.  Fortunately I do have some close friends who are not close to my wife, but only one is local while the others are old friends who live far away.

I'm glad you get to spend time with the kids -- that's invaluable to both you and them. 

Around the time of my own divorce (prior to relationship with pwBPD), I heard the acronym MEDS, which stands for Meditation, Exercise, Diet, and Sleep.   I think I did very little of each during that time, but like you, I started with watching what I ate, and then slowly increased the other activities.

Have you thought of a T for yourself, as a measure of self-care and relief?   And, with regard to sharing, I am glad you are sharing here.  We are all in this together.

Meditation - I don't actively do this, but I subscribe heavily to mindfulness.

Exercise - Definitely need to do more of this.  I usually exercise playing pickup soccer with my kids.

Diet - Well into managing this.

Sleep - Comes and goes.  I definitely sleep better after squeezing in some exercise.  Should take that as a cue.

After the original diagnosis , I continued to see our MC as my personal T since my wife had quit by that point.  I stopped after a few sessions.  Sometimes I feel very angry at my wife and have to suppress the anger so it doesn't affect my job and my attitude around my kids.  Most days that's easy, but other days it's really hard.  I harbor a ton of contempt toward my wife and am not sure even reconciliation would make that go away fully.  I don't like feeling the anger and contempt and may seek therapy for that.

I love this board, love the shared experiences and am glad we can all be in this together.  That being said, I'd like to extend the types of connections in here to my close friends in real life.