Scared to death but moving forward

[razemarie]

After ending my 8 year relationship with my uBPDxbf, I moved me and my three year old son in with my parents while we got back on our feet.  It's been a very rough past 4 months detaching from the relationship and maintaining LC.  He does not want the relationship to end and has tried everything to get me back, including many suicide threats and eventually police involvement.  The good news is that I have finally learned how to set healthy boundaries and am finding my way out of the FOG.  With the support of all of you, I have learned many tools to help navigate through this nightmare.  I think back to a year ago and I am amazed at the transformation in myself.  You can only blame the BPD to a point, then you need to take a look in the mirror and work on your own issues that kept you stuck in the relationship.  I have done that and continue to work on myself each day.  I keep telling myself that I am a work in progress and that this relationship does not have to define me.  I know that I am smarter and more aware now and having that knowledge is priceless.  That's the silver lining in all of this.  You find out what you are made of.  Yesterday I took a big step and signed a lease on a little house for me and my son.  I know this is a good move for us and that I should be happy but I can't seem to drum up any excitement.  I am hoping that once I start moving things in and get settled I will be able to relax and enjoy the success of working hard to save money and provide for the two of u.  I think a big part of my concern is how my ex will react when he finds out I am moving ... .without him.  I am scared to death but that is not going to stop me from moving forward.  Because I am a survivor and I now know that I can do this.

[seeking balance]

Yesterday I took a big step and signed a lease on a little house for me and my son.  I know this is a good move for us and that I should be happy but I can't seem to drum up any excitement. 

Hi razemarie - big step indeed 

I can relate to this.  I remember when my divorce was finally done, my house refinanced in my name that I thought I would feel happy or something and I felt numb.  I think we get so used to being "on guard" and "struggling" that it takes a little time for calm to sink in.  There is also something a bit final, peeling another layer of grief away.

I am hoping that once I start moving things in and get settled I will be able to relax and enjoy the success of working hard to save money and provide for the two of u.  I think a big part of my concern is how my ex will react when he finds out I am moving ... .without him.  I am scared to death but that is not going to stop me from moving forward.  Because I am a survivor and I now know that I can do this.

You will settle in and relax, honestly.  We get so used to "survival" that living becomes unfamiliar.  It really will balance out.

This is a big time for you, you will look back and realize it is during these stages that you really are rebuilding your own worth in a healthy way.

Peace to you and your son.

SB