So Angry

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

3 weeks ago she's telling me she wants to be with me and that she was pregnant with my kid and wants to be together. We get in an arguement stop talking. Now I find out she's in Mexico with her new boyfriend. So damn angry. I was posting before about forgiveness, but how do you forgive someone for being such an absolute terrible person. I'm

Trying to post here instead of giving her the satisfaction of know how pissed and hurt I am.

[beachlover]

3 weeks ago she's telling me she wants to be with me and that she was pregnant with my kid and wants to be together. We get in an arguement stop talking. Now I find out she's in Mexico with her new boyfriend. So damn angry. I was posting before about forgiveness, but how do you forgive someone for being such an absolute terrible person. I'm

Trying to post here instead of giving her the satisfaction of know how pissed and hurt I am.

[robert4574]

Beachlover,

That's tough man. I can totally relate. MY ex is most likely in China with her ex boyfriend right now for the 2nd time. She went during our relationship, but told me she was going with a gf from school.  Forgiveness is tough right now. I've never really hated anyone in my whole life, but I despise her. Feel the anger and in time you may forgive her.  At least that is what I hope for.

We deserve better and we will get through this. They will live with this disorder forever and will never be truly happy. We can and will. 

[seeking balance]

3 weeks ago she's telling me she wants to be with me and that she was pregnant with my kid and wants to be together. We get in an arguement stop talking. Now I find out she's in Mexico with her new boyfriend. So damn angry. I was posting before about forgiveness, but how do you forgive someone for being such an absolute terrible person. I'm

Trying to post here instead of giving her the satisfaction of know how pissed and hurt I am.

I am sorry, Gosh, I wish you didn't have to deal with this.  I can relate and it really is tough.

You don't have to forgive her today - do you?  Can you use this anger to give yourself the time and space to protect your emotions and let yourself heal from this?  Forgiveness will happen - but we really do have to let ourselves use that anger to establish some boundaries to protect our own selves now.

So, is she pregnant or do you know?

[beachlover]

No, she told me she was pregnant 3 weeks ago after I cut off contact for two months. Told me she loves me told me she wants to be with me. I feel the need to forgive because I can't have this much anger. I can't have so much pent up anger and hate in my heart it isn't good for me at all.

[beachlover]

She said she had an abortion, but every time I asked for proof of the pregnancy something came up she could never prove it.

[seeking balance]

. I feel the need to forgive because I can't have this much anger. I can't have so much pent up anger and hate in my heart it isn't good for me at all.

Anger is real and necessary - lean into it, so you can go through it.  Think of waves at a beach, knocking you around.  If you stand still or struggle it will reek havoc, but if you dive into - kick and swim - you get to the other side.

Physically process the anger - hike a mountain, run, kickbox, hot yoga - let yourself feel the anger in an environment that wont hurt you or others... .it is the way through.

[gtrhr]

Please consider reading "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive The Freedom Not To"

It's a book that I found to be very helpful as it frames forgiveness in different terms than we're used to.  True forgiveness demands some real remorse and introspection from the person who wronged you.  Some level of sincere apology, and I think an understanding on their part about modifying behaviors in order to have any kind of relationship with you whatsoever.  Possible with a BPD?  I seriously doubt it.

Cheap forgiveness (which the BPD's love as it requires nothing of them) won't help you feel any better long term.  Maybe it helps you stuff your anger away temporarily but that's not healthy long term.  And without behaviors changed, you WILL be wronged again.  You're kind of letting them off the hook.

There is also another type of letting go which you should consider later.  It's for your benefit.  You don't torture yourself, or them with the memory of the wrong and you won't get real resolution about the wrongs, but you will get your sanity back.  It means they are out of your life fully.

I agree with the other folks who have said to allow yourself to feel some anger and use it to set the proper boundaries with this person and purge them from your heart.

I'm with you in this.  Several weeks ago I was told by my exgf she wants a future together and yet she is currently involved with someone.  It's a demented type of person that can do this.  Today I looked back at a journal entry and reflected that not a lot has changed in three years time.  A while ago she did try for a brief period of time to do couples dialogue with me, and couples counseling in therapy together.  She tried at first but erupted one weekend with "Why do we need to talk so much!"

I couldn't continue with the counseling with that being her attitude towards the whole process and us not sharing some common goals.  Since then the hurts and drama have continued.

It's tough.  We break off with the person yet don't want to be broken up.  Whether we chose to do it or not.

Well this for me is the thing I'm working on the most now.  Please know I understand how you feel.

[beachlover]

I really don't want to devote more time out of my life reading a book. I do a lot of aggressive physical activity to try and rid myself of my pent up anger and frustration. I know she will never apologize or do anything. I literally hope that karma catches up with her and that will be my resolution. I'm just really trying not to email or message her on Facebook telling her how terrible of a person she is as that will just make her know I care. I really wish that I never ever met her or cares about her.

[seeking balance]

I'm just really trying not to email or message her on Facebook telling her how terrible of a person she is as that will just make her know I care.

No, you won't be showing her you care - you will be playing out the role she has given you as her persecutor. 

Karpman Triangle - many threads on that in this board, but the basics are the pwBPD has a savior and a persecutor - you are set up to play your role, unbeknownst to you.

The only way to get free of the web is stop playing the role.

Keep focusing on you and as much as you might not want to read, knowledge is really power in detaching.

Peace,

SB

[beachlover]

I guess I'm a person searching for answers to a question that has no answers. At this point I'm using the anger to never talk to her again. I'd rather go through 100 nights being upset then give her one ounce of care.

[gtrhr]

Yeah, getting super-pissed about it is one path to being able to eventually let go.  Good for you realizing she doesn't deserve an ounce of care!  Likewise not giving her the satisfaction of contacting her.

I think where a lot of us have gotten stuck is that we tend to have empathy and compassion for people that aren't deserving of it as they don't reciprocate.  It took me way too long to accept that.

[beachlover]

I just know that she'll never care about me like I deserve. No matter how hurt I am, she will not truly be happy and if I reached out she wouldn't care. She wouldn't of done what she did if she cared at all about me. All I can hope for is that karma comes back to her.

[NorthLight]

I just know that she'll never care about me like I deserve. No matter how hurt I am, she will not truly be happy and if I reached out she wouldn't care. She wouldn't of done what she did if she cared at all about me. All I can hope for is that karma comes back to her.

What a horrible thing to do. I feel your pain.

Yes, believe in karma, and NC, because if u "reach out" to her, she can play ice cold to harm you even more. Remember that her life is an endless up-down / black-white roller coaster, while your life is down / black right now, but you will slowly get on your feet again, and then you can stay on "top" without her in your life taking you down again! So with karma, you will have a better life, just more painful than hers right now, but she will have these downs- periods suddenly out of nowhere, her whole life...

Stay strong

[beachlover]

I'm trying to stay strong. I know that reaching out will do nothing. It's almost like I'm in such disbelief that I find it funny. How someone can say certain things to you to lure you in and then it's literally like it was my fault. All I can think about is them together on a trip her and I had talked about taking hooking up in their hotel room like her and I used to. I realize I shouldn't think about that, but it's like torturing myself. I just wish she wasn't happy. I wish she would start treating him like she treated me.

[beachlover]

One thing I do know is that if she ever reaches out, I cannot talk to her even if she shows up at my door.

[NorthLight]

Well, I hope you see that its a 100% chance of her unstable emotional rollercoaster sooner or later will be heading right down to hell again, its up and down for the rest of her life.

So... .you wish she would treat him bad ? or r/s fail? You seriously deep inside KNOW it will happen sooner or later mate.

No BPD SUDDENLY find their hero and then stay happy with that person for ever!

Then this forum wouldn't excist

It will never happen. Not with you, or him, or next one. Thats what BPD is about, always up and down, black or white, its part of their personality, so thank god you are now out of the chaos, which you would have been some day anyway, better be done with it now than have to deal with this sh1t in a year or two - Good luck

[beachlover]

I guess that helps. My therapist says that she is going to try and contact me again once the dust settles with her lie about being pregnant. I don't want to focus on that as it may never happen. I just keep hoping for something to go my way. I just feel defeated and trying to pick back up the pieces of my life.